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Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 11:09:00 AM

whisperedsighs

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I didn't want to hyjack LA's communication thread, but her thread made me want to pose this for consideration.

Let me start with a background here and then to the quandry. I am ultimately looking for a committed Dominant/submissive Sadist/masochist relationship. What that relationship will look like will depend on me and that person we finally connect with each other. But in the mean time I am in the proverbial "dating phase".

Now because so often in the community I run into people who are players, we all do, I have found it neccessary to communicate from the get go, what it is I am looking for. Apparently this is a huge NO-NO or so I keep getting told by my close friends. I find if I don't communicate the standards by which I expect to be treated right up front, I end up being treated with less then the due respect I feel I deserve, but often if I do communicate these standards they run for the hills thinking I am trying to lock a ball and chain on them. (Even if I specify that is far from what my intentions are.)

So when is the appropriate time to communicate with a prospective partner, what you want, need and will not settle for less then?

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 11:23:11 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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It's a social dance really. We don't want to be the desprate or overflowing types who go through a litany of needs before you get to the 'lo" of "Hello," but we don't want to get ourselves deep into a situation and realize there's some glaring issue (he wants kids, you don't) that got overlooked.

I'd say, before you make a non-play date, you should have talked about general perspectives and place in life- age, profession, kids/nokids, married, poly, the "Big Basics."

And if it takes one or two dates before all that comes out, that's ok too. Going on general "Hey, he's kinda hot and we might have a spark" is more than enough reason to try for a first date. I think any more than three dates without going over the Big Basics however, you'll be getting into overkill and dangerous waters.

That's what dating IS- it's testing the waters to start and see what might be there. I think too many put too much pressure on first dates.

And you might decide after Date One that it's just not right for you, or Date Two, or Date Three- I think if you genuinely are interested in them and they aren't glaringly disrespecting you, that giving them three dates with you isn't that much of a sacrifice to make sure where you want to go next, and that if after Date One you think that's it, then that's fine too.

Once that ground is covered however, it's all about mining on the specifics. And there's simply no way to track what should be revealed then since once you get beyond the basics- we're all too individualized and quirky to predict what's going to be an "issue" and what won't.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 12/30/2006 11:26:30 AM >

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 11:24:11 AM

julietsierra

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When it's right for you! I mean really! Would you even WANT to be in a relationship where someone didn't want you to be who you are?

I play things closer to my vest so to speak. I needed to find someone who wanted someone like that and who also played things closer to the vest. That's who we both found.

Neither way is right or wrong...when people ask for suggestions, it stands to reason I'm going to make suggestions from my point of view and you're going to make suggestions from yours. Both are right for the right person and both are wrong for the person that the advice, whether from you or from me, doesn't fit.

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 11:32:16 AM

juliaoceania

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I communicate it right upfront. The ones on the same wave length will appreciate it. Someone that runs for the hills because I am upfront is not right for me anyways. It is not like I have expectations of an instant relationship, but I do have ideas about who I am want a relationship with. Dating for awhile is fine, but I am upfront about what it takes to get more from me.

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 11:37:50 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Oh I should add that I was envisioning a fully offline based courtship.

If you're talking online, then going over all those basics makes sense before a first date unless you plan to meet them within the next week or two and thus become an offline courtship.

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 11:41:25 AM

juliaoceania

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I agree with no pressure on the first few dates. I consider that a getting to know you thing, but those are the dates when people usually ask what the other person's long term career goals are, if they want kids, and where they picture themselves living. It is important to be upfront about these things on the first few dates in my opinion.

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 12:04:13 PM

whisperedsighs

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I appreciate the input so far, you all have some very good advice. I don't do too much online courting stuff. I prefer if someone is going to be of interest to me to meet within a relatively short period of time. Makes no sense to me to invest too much time online with someone if the chemistry isn't there.

It just seems to me that often is the case that even though I state from the get go that I am not looking for a monogomous relationship, but something that is committed and meaningful that the men I am talking with assume that I am trying to tie them down from the start. I try to make it clear that I know the dating process and seeing if we both feel the same way is an important part of the process, but I definitely in my long term goals not looking for a one night stand. It doesn't mean I am looking to instantly have that committment either.

I would think that communicating that I want to be able to see the person more then once every couple of months when starting a conversation of what I am looking for shouldn't be out of line. I often find that they seem to think that it is. Other things I like to communicate up front is, don't play games. If you are not interested, have the courtesy to tell me. This seems to be the one that ends up with after the first play session turning into the "game playing" I so hate! So do you communicate with them withing your initial conversations these things or play the "accepted games"?

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 12:12:59 PM

mnottertail

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Well, having seen your picture and your location, and knowing that there are finite resources upon the earth, I would have to say everyone might have to sway with the breeze a little to thow a decent pie together.

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 12:15:43 PM

juliaoceania

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Perhaps the people you are dating are not into long term relationships? When a man is in the mood to settle down he is usually not put off by others who are also in the same mood.

I have met all of my dates via the compuer for several years. I have a small universe here where I live, and I like the idea of not going to meat markets to meet men. I have tended to state what I am looking for in the text of a profile. If someone is not on the same page they can eliminate themselves. Also, I tended to be upfront about dating many people, not just one, until I wanted a relationship.... but that is just me.

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RE: Too early to communicate? - 12/30/2006 3:20:01 PM

akisha

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Well I think things need to be discussed when it comes to the point and time in the relationship that it is relevant

On a first date, I'm not going to say." Ok this is what I need and demand in a long term relationship..." For we have no idea yet if it's going to go beyond the one or two date stage.

When I decide to have sex with someone then yes, before hand the discussion on what my limits and requirments are would then be discussed and communicated as should his.

When the decision to cohabitate comes to pass then the discussion on how things will be done on a day to day basis, how to deal with the little people in the house etc, is then pertinant to have. Why would you delve into that kind of thing early on? Probably just have the effect of scaring the other person off.

Plus you need to realize that everything is going to have to be re-discussed and re-negotiated as things change and evolve.

I think it should be common sense to treat another person with curtesy and respect when you are first meeting and dating, and that should continue on through out the relationship.

To be honest if someone told me that on a first meeting that I would have to do "X,Y, & Z" or behave in such and such a manner or don't bother coming, I'd smile and say, nice talking to you hope you find what you are looking for.

but that's just me

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