Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all?

Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (Full Version)

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MidnightWriter -> Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/22/2005 9:45:22 PM)
I'm approaching decisions that I'm unsure of - which is not terribly typical or comfortable for me, so I thought I'd get some input from my prospective vict^H^H^H^Hdates. I've been horribly spoiled - while I enjoy a good painplay session, and don't want to demand more submission than someone is prepared to offer, I'm not going to be happy with less than 24/7 in a longterm relationship. OTOH, I've not had a D/S situation, not even a date, in over 2 years. I've even contemplated dating vanillas, just to relieve biological backpressure. I don't particularly want to go the "disposable submissive" route - while I'm a cold, cruel, sadistic sumnavabitch, I'm not entirely uncaring. But to be blunt, I don't see a wealth of potential slaves in my neighborhood. There are some damn fine submissives (many of whom consider themselves slaves, but I'm not rude enough to contradict them openly), and they'd probably be fun for a time, but I'd probably keep on looking for one of those special few I could be totally satisfied with - at which point, I suppose I'd become that asshole who "used me and then dumped me". Interesting concept - the slave I owned for years started out being a lass who liked kinky sex. It developed from there - go figger. One of these submissives could develop - but then again, they may not, at which point it will become time to part ways, and I'll be the bad guy - and not in a good way. So, I've avoided dating, and ignored invitations - I'd really rather not be part of a situation that someone is going to regret, overall. Am I being stupid for waiting for someone clearly headed toward 24/7 to date, or is it really better that I hold off until I see great potential before I ask someone out? Are the subs out there waiting for someone who is potentially "the one" (or "one of the ones", as I'm poly), or do they prefer to date with no expectations of long-term relationship, just because it's more fun than sitting home alone on Dungeon Night at the VFW?

songbird26 -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/22/2005 10:07:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightWriter Interesting concept - the slave I owned for years started out being a lass who liked kinky sex. It developed from there - go figger. One of these submissives could develop - but then again, they may not, at which point it will become time to part ways, and I'll be the bad guy - and not in a good way. So, why not tell your local subs exactly what you've posted here? There are, of course, nutjobs out there who'll consider themselves 'used and dumped' no matter WHAT you do, but if you wanted to have a casual, uncommitted, yet semi-regular 'play' relationship I can't imagine that you'd be unable to find someone who was looking for the same thing. You never know, one of those relationships might become something more. Not to mention the fact that making personal connections and getting out there actively is the BEST way to meet people who might potentially be "the one", since I imagine you're not meeting too many appropriate ladies sitting home with Cinemax on Date Night. grin I'd say that ignoring invitations and avoiding dating is doing more harm than good. Go forth and date, as long as you are 100% up front with what you're looking to put into each individual relationship, and what you're hoping to get out of it. Good luck!

sweetpleaser -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 5:39:17 AM)
What she said![:)] Also, you mentioned you are poly so why not start adding to your family now? Maybe one of the subs would be willing to be a slave or have the potential of pleasing you the way you want. Good luck and keep us posted!

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 5:43:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightWriter Am I being stupid for waiting for someone clearly headed toward 24/7 to date, or is it really better that I hold off until I see great potential before I ask someone out? You can't expect the perfect relationship to just suddenly happen on a first meeting. Relationships take time to incubate and grow. If you want to have fun, then go have fun! No reason you can't do that AND be honest about looking for long term. Sure there will be nights you sigh and wish things were deeper, but that's life. quote: Are the subs out there waiting for someone who is potentially "the one" (or "one of the ones", as I'm poly), or do they prefer to date with no expectations of long-term relationship, just because it's more fun than sitting home alone on Dungeon Night at the VFW? You're acting like it's an either/or? You CAN do both, plenty of people out there ARE doing both. Just be honest. If you're poly then you KNOW that no relationship will ever be on the same level as another in every way. Things develop naturally or it won't work. Staying at home won't get you ANYWHERE.

willing2serve -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 7:42:15 AM)
quote: at which point it will become time to part ways, and I'll be the bad guy - and not in a good way. You are a very wise person and I enjoy reading your post, but even you can't predict the future. The next relationship you have may not be the One; however, it still will be growing and nurturing for all parties involved. I disagree that in times to part ways that you will be the bad guy. You will only be the bad guy if you are not honest. This is something I have to take my own advice on, but as I have been told there are no guarantees in life. Be selective, be honest, and look for the One, she might be right there and you don't even know it. I will tell you from my submissive perspective, if someone came to me with these honest concerns and our interest were the same and compatible on other levels, there would be no reason to be alone. Respectfully, Willing2serve1

DarkQuin -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 8:02:15 AM)
I have a few things to say even though I'm not a bottom, submissive or a slave. I read this forum a lot, because there is a lot of wisdom to be had here and that I like to know what people are thinking about and talking about. That said, I will give my opinion on this as a dominant. quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightWriter I'm approaching decisions that I'm unsure of - which is not terribly typical or comfortable for me, so I thought I'd get some input from my prospective vict^H^H^H^Hdates. Sometimes you just have to do it and get over it. Ever get a splinter? You most like got it out, maybe grunted a bit and patched yourself up and carried on. Well, the same with getting back into the social aspects of the leather kink oriented lifestyle. Just get in there and do it, you may flounder but you will pick up old habits and gestures like it was yesterday. quote: OTOH, I've not had a D/S situation, not even a date, in over 2 years. I've even contemplated dating vanillas, just to relieve biological backpressure. I don't particularly want to go the "disposable submissive" route - while I'm a cold, cruel, sadistic sumnavabitch, I'm not entirely uncaring. But to be blunt, I don't see a wealth of potential slaves in my neighborhood. There are some damn fine submissives (many of whom consider themselves slaves, but I'm not rude enough to contradict them openly), and they'd probably be fun for a time, but I'd probably keep on looking for one of those special few I could be totally satisfied with - at which point, I suppose I'd become that asshole who "used me and then dumped me". What is wrong with scening somebody just to scene? You get to beat some ass and they get their ass beat. The majority of scenes between two people normally don't turn into a lasting relationships, because it takes time to build up rapport, trust and confidence in each other. Sometimes, scening somebody is the best way to figure out if you want to scene them again or not. quote: Interesting concept - the slave I owned for years started out being a lass who liked kinky sex. It developed from there - go figger. One of these submissives could develop - but then again, they may not, at which point it will become time to part ways, and I'll be the bad guy - and not in a good way. There you go, you had a fulfilling relationship that started off slow, so you already know what you are doing and have a formula that works. You can either apply this formula again or you can tweak it to find out what else works. As far as a relationship not working out, it takes two to be in it and they share the responsibility equally for it's successes and failures. I can understand not wanting to fail or look bad, but what we learn from failures lead us to grander successes than if we had succeeded the first time, usually. quote: So, I've avoided dating, and ignored invitations - I'd really rather not be part of a situation that someone is going to regret, overall. Nobody wants to have regrets, but if it's just a date what harm is there in it? Unless the other person shows up with a J.P. in tow, I'd say go for it and have fun. I'd negotiate things beforehand, like if it's a movie date, hanging out with friends, going to the local dungeon or just having coffee. That way everybody knows what to expect and isn't thinking that there will be more than what is going on. quote: Am I being stupid for waiting for someone clearly headed toward 24/7 to date, or is it really better that I hold off until I see great potential before I ask someone out? Are the subs out there waiting for someone who is potentially "the one" (or "one of the ones", as I'm poly), or do they prefer to date with no expectations of long-term relationship, just because it's more fun than sitting home alone on Dungeon Night at the VFW? I'm always very leary of anybody who thinks that a first date is going to lead to a 24/7 relationship, because it takes awhile to get to know somebody and figure out if you really want to be with them. You may find the first one you go out with is the 'one', a good friend or somebody to keep at bay. No matter how it turns it out, you win because you have what you seek, you have a new or better friend, or you know who to take off the list of potentials. Just be careful, listen to your gut, and think things through and no matter what do not lose hope, because tomorrow is another day. Quin

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 8:15:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightWriter OTOH, I've not had a D/S situation, not even a date, in over 2 years. I've even contemplated dating vanillas, just to relieve biological backpressure. ... Interesting concept - the slave I owned for years started out being a lass who liked kinky sex. It developed from there - go figger. Someone quite wise once told me that there are no vanilla girls. Broaden your horizens a bit...play around in the 'nilla world, being sure to put hints out here and there. Favorite movie: Secretary or 9 1/2 Weeks. Favorite song: Brian Ferry's Slave to Love. On a date, do little things to "test the waters"...ask her to change seats with you or feed her with your hand. Taking a "vanilla" girl and introducing her to the lifestyle might take a bit more effort then finding one who has already done all the leg work, but it open up a lot more possibilities then fishing in your local BDSM fishing hole. Taggard

Gemeni -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 8:35:39 AM)
Just be honest about your intentions. If you want to play, or role play, say so. Just don't rationalize a thing meaning more than it really is to someone, and you should be fine. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

topcat -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 9:15:54 AM)
quote: OTOH, I've not had a D/S situation, not even a date, in over 2 years. I've even contemplated dating vanillas, just to relieve biological backpressure. (Heinlein much? Glory Road is a favorite of mine, too<g>.) M. Writer- I am often a think-with-the-little-little-head kinda guy- Deliberatly. It may not be the smartest answer, or the best choice, but I have never had sex that was more meaningless that sitting home alone on a saturday night<g>. For that matter, I have only once had a bad date that wasn't more amusing than television. Which doesn't mean being a slime bag, or playing games, or 'being the bad guy'. As smart and lovely SB26 oberserves, with some people you just can't win, but if you are clear that you are looking to 'date-not-mate', you may, in fact, find a woman or two who is looking for just that. And, as M. Taggard's wise and sexy friend says, 'there aren't any 'nilla girls!' (or boys for that matter), and in 26 years of telling every girl I dated (somewhere between that first and third date) that 'I like to tie women up', no one has ever run screaming, and in fact, the only ones that ever said something along the lines of 'don't ever do that again' after being tied up were the ones who shortly after admitted that they liked it sooo much that they scared themselves! (This does assume that one is taking it slow- DO NOT open 'that drawer' on the first date with someone who is new to all this. Frankly, if she gets a glimpse of the tackle that you have no doubt accumilated over the years ( and no doubt think of as just basic stuff!), she will run screaming with visions of shallow graves and oildrums dancing in her head<g>.) I am, it has been observed, not hard to 'read' as kinky in most social situations, but I don't go around with a crop in one boot ,and a rope in the other (well, actually, I often do- but not where you can see them with my trousers on<g>), and I do make a point of putting it out there pretty clearly (what I am into) if I consider someone to be a prospect. on more than one occasion, it has either made me VERY interesting to the lady in question, or led to an introduction to a friend who found this stuff VERY interesting. This stuff hits some deep rooted structures, way down in the murk and clutter of the subconcious, and is more than a little appealing to the population at large, even if they are not-quite-ready to identify with it. Actual quote from a friends wife: "I mean- I love it when he jams my face into the pillow and fucks hard me in the ass, or pulls my hair till I'm gagging when I blow him, but we're not kinky or anything!" (this was after few few too many bottles of a good red in the hot tub<g>). And after bouncing in and out of the scene (by which I mean the actual out-there-in-the real-world-scene) for about twenty years, and the online thing for the past ten, I am more inclined to seek a partner in the mudane world, and to pervert her as we go along, than I am to seek a 'slave' or 'submissive' and try to build a relationship around the deluision of a common sexual proviclivity. All this of course, is strictly IMO/IMX/YMMV- Good Hunting Stay warm, Lawrence

Shayna -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 9:47:36 AM)
quote: And after bouncing in and out of the scene (by which I mean the actual out-there-in-the real-world-scene) for about twenty years, and the online thing for the past ten, I am more inclined to seek a partner in the mudane world, and to pervert her as we go along, than I am to seek a 'slave' or 'submissive' and try to build a relationship around the deluision of a common sexual proviclivity. In looking for the person that "does it" for all parts of me, I've thought about this alot. I've done both ways, but I think that the most important thing is to be HONEST with yourself and others, seeking out what you really want. If i really want a longterm relationship but keep getting sidetracked by short term fun, then I'm taking my energy and intentions away from what I am truly seeking; perhaps even postponing it longer. I think looking in a variety of places is the best way to go - that's why I quoted Lawrence - I really agree. We meet people ALL the time in our everyday lives if we slow down and smile, say hi, get to know the person at the bookstore or laundramat. I also have great role models in my two closest female friends - both in what most would call vanilla relationships, but clearly they are in control and their husbands seem to be very happy. They are on one end of the kinky scale and wouldn't go to a munch or dungeon but that doesn't mean they don't have rope and a strap-on lying around. Also I think we limit ourselves when we seek to only get intimacy needs met through a primary love relationship. That's just one type of intimacy - I get warm fuzzies from all sorts of people in my life. This keeps me from the "I'm not fulfilled unless I'm in a relationship" thing. I've been trapped in an unhappy relationship and I won't do that again. If I don't meet some great guy to spend my life with, then I'll live my life fully and take advantage of the kindness, love and friendship many around me have to offer.

riversimplicity -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 9:53:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: topcat [ "I mean- I love it when he jams my face into the pillow and fucks hard me in the ass, or pulls my hair till I'm gagging when I blow him, but we're not kinky or anything!" (this was after few few too many bottles of a good red in the hot tub<g>). And after bouncing in and out of the scene (by which I mean the actual out-there-in-the real-world-scene) for about twenty years, and the online thing for the past ten, I am more inclined to seek a partner in the mudane world, and to pervert her as we go along, than I am to seek a 'slave' or 'submissive' and try to build a relationship around the deluision of a common sexual proviclivity. All this of course, is strictly IMO/IMX/YMMV- Good Hunting Stay warm, Lawrence LMBO!!!! and still rolling!!! and i'll have to agree....it was someone i was dating in what i THOUGHT was a regular relationship that introduced me to the whole aspect of D/s and kink. He just did it in just the right way that i'm now forever perverted. *grinz and yup, ymmv and probably will

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 10:30:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: topcat And, as M. Taggard's wise and sexy friend says, 'there aren't any 'nilla girls!' (or boys for that matter) Hmmm...not sure I said anything about sexy... laughing Taggard

ruffnecksbabygir -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 10:47:24 AM)
sorry only read the first post here don't have time to go through the entire thread but i will toss in my .02 cents for whatever it's worth... i had a similiar situation to yours, i was divorced and searching for my "One" i did go on several dates with the "vanilla" folks, it was pretty much a waste of my time and theirs....i decided early on i would wait for that someone that pretty much possessed all the qualities i was looking for ... i knew it wouldn't be easy and even came to the conclusion at one point i would more than likely just end up alone for good....and it got to the point that i accepted that and realized i would wait forever if that was the case but would not settle for someone that was anything different than what i knew i needed and wanted......luckily, i did meet Him, met Him here actually in CM.... when i look back at all the potentials i turned down i breathe a sigh of relief that i did turn them down because i was available for the love of my life. Don't give up & don't settle....we are old enough to know what we want and we shouldn't settle for anything less. Good luck in your search!

darlingjade -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 5:46:02 PM)
Personally I'd rather know up front who and what I'm dealing with. Course, that has a LOT to do with the fact that when I started exploring BDSM about ten years ago I was married to a man that's almost as submissive as I am. Fighting over who was gonna bottom was NOT a lot of fun....'shaking my head then laughing softly'.... However, what it DID do was let me know in no uncertain terms was that I have absolutely no interest or tendencies towards being a Top, Domme or Mistress so I suppose it answered a lot of questions that might have arisen. That said, when I was ready to begin exploring after the dust from the War of the Roses had settled, I purposely chose a relationship that I knew going in was going to be short term and of a limited basis. It ended at the appointed time with no harm or foul to either of us. Have I dated vanilla in the intervening years? Yep, but I don't expect to find what I need from a man on those dates. However, I see no harm in going out to simply have a great time.

slavedesires -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 7:45:40 PM)
i started a smiliar thread not too long ago but with the opposite theme. only found those who were only wanting the have a mrriage or 24/7/365 deal without the journey to find out if the journey would lead to 24/7 or marriage. the journey starts with slow steps, winds, bends, turns, derails for reasons only one half might know ...so expecting marriage or long term or 24/7 right off the bat can be intimidating to not only the Dom but the sub. good luck shy

slavedesires -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 7:49:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightWriter I don't particularly want to go the "disposable submissive" route - btw, there is a wonderful forum on the disposable submissive on bondage...from a submissives angle... still am not sure if i can say that on here...but the mods haven't said anything yet shy

kyakitten -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/23/2005 9:37:58 PM)
In reply to the OP's question: It is far better to be dommed and lose than not to be dommed at all.

PaintedLady -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/24/2005 9:03:18 AM)
quote: It is far better to be dommed and lose than not to be dommed at all. well, yeah- but it does make it hard to settle for less.[:@]

PaintedLady -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/24/2005 9:07:52 AM)
quote: I am, it has been observed, not hard to 'read' as kinky in most social situations, not a dam bit[:D] chaps,boots, leather jacket, smirk, and the women falling all over you at the bar. I didn't even know what I was looking for- but I knew it when I saw it![:)]

MidnightWriter -> RE: Is it better to be dommed and lose, or not to be dommed at all? (2/24/2005 7:07:18 PM)
Thank you all for your input - it really helps. I'm not hiding at home - I'm the leader of the largest BDSM club in the area, and know plenty of kinky folk. Unfortunately, I can't honorably do more than flirt at meetings where I'm the safety net in case someone doesn't take "no" well for an answer - even though I do - it's a perception thing, and scaring off newbies is not my kink. But reading all of this does reassure me that it's time to 'get out of the door and down to the street all alone' - and there are kinkster gatherings that I don't run, and it's time to stop staying home. As far as dating 'nillas - well, it's really easier to date kinksters. Not only are they already up to speed on the concept of doing this on purpose, but they are the large majority of my social circles. Time to go date - thanks again, and I'll keep y'all posted on how it's going.

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