julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
I think you have hit the nail on the head on what is so hurtful about this for me. He goes to various BDSM play parties, but he goes much like a leech - invited because you couldn't invite so-and-so without him. He is my friend and I will defend him in a many situations but I have to be honest about that because he views play parties as a place for him to get kinky sex and doesn't understand why I refuse to spill details about ones he hasn't been to. I don't know who keeps their d/s in the closet and I don't want to be the one who "outs" someone by accident. I find this rejection even harsher as he tops frequently in his sex life so I feel like he should understand. It seems I will have to either come to terms with this, or remove this friend from my life. Which is something that my dominant endorses anyway.
AquaticSub:
I may be completely off base here, and if so, I apologize. To me it sounds like the feminism issue is really more of a side issue, with the real issue being a friendship that is quite possibly dying. And that stuff's painful - no two ways about it.
So here's what I see that has nothing at all to do with feminism, and everything to do with a parting of the ways.
1) He's arguing with you about YOUR choices for yourself and your life.
2) He mooches and has no problem doing so - that in itself is ok. I presume the both of you are in college and mooching is, quite frankly, how many people get through those years. My son, a year older than you claims he doesn't mooch, and then tells me proudly how he got his buddy to pay for their trip to Canada for an evening of clubbing. But done too often, I'd expect that it'd get old - fast.
3) He's being manifestly disrespectful to more people than just you if he's now only being invited to things because without him, so and so wouldn't attend, and he's being banned from parties for general jack-assedry.
4) Your dominant - dominance notwithstanding - is a step outside your friendship with this person and as such, just might possibly be seeing things a bit more objectively. Not to mention, men just know men better - y'know? Kind of like how women know when other women are leading men on when the men haven't seen it yet. And he's advocating you separating yourself from this friendship. (Very nice of him though to not order it so that you can reach this point relatively on your own - and I mean that sincerely)
5) I don't know how the parties are handled in college, but I do know that away from that environment - at least here, parties are kind of like Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And so people don't talk about what happens at private parties. They also don't tell each other about parties that they're going to (saves on those people who might invite themselves and/or who might develop bad/hurt feelings for not being invited.) An overall plan might be to never tell him about a party unless he brings it up.
6) Again, I don't know about how it works in college, but out here at least, your name is your bond. And when people's names start to get mixed up with those who are negative forces, eventually, their names do as well. I do understand about friendship though. Sometimes that takes precedence - and it should. Just be sure the friendship is really worth it. I've stood by friends even though, in retrospect, perhaps I should have seen things more clearly, but I have to say, I'd stand by them again if the circumstances were the same. It does take a toll though, and as time goes on, you're probably going to have to make some hard decisions as to whether the friendship is worth the cost.
Personally, as someone else said, I'm thinking he's beginning to feel the sting of not being invited places and he's on the attack with the one person he knows he stands a chance of influencing. If he can convince you that what you're doing is bad for you, then you will eventually start not attending the parties he's not being invited to and he will have "won" against those who didn't invite him - even if no one else thought it was a contest. I'd also be willing to bet that your dominant's stand that perhaps this is a friendship that you should be distancing yourself from is also known by your friend, so now it's a contest over who you'll listen to.
I will tell you that the farther you delve into this whole D/s "thing," and the more open you are with it, the more people you will worry and so, the more you'll find yourself having these conversations. But you know the drill. Whatever you decide for yourself, keep it healthy and steer clear of those who would encourage you to be unhealthy - whether they're bdsm folks or not.
And I always maintain that I AM a feminist to the highest degree. I work hard, expect equal pay for my efforts, will fight to get that, and I CHOOSE what's best for myself - even if that is unpopular or goes against the grain for a lot of people - even if that means I'm choosing submission to a man who is very much a dominant in everything he does.
Oh, and since you're in college, a side story to your feminist problem. When I was in high school, we had an assistant principal there. I wish I could tell you her name because over the years, she has become my idol in a lot of ways. At any rate, her first name was Jean. I'll call her Jean Smith
She applied to college. Her intended major was very much in a male oriented field. In fact, back in her day, if you were female, you couldn't be admitted to that field of study. When she applied, she filled out her application J. Smith and received a glowing letter of acceptance. She showed up on the first day of classes with her letter in hand and professor after professor showed her the door. She showed them the letter. More than a few of them tried to intimidate her into giving them the letter. She held on to it and refused to move. She also threatened to take them to court if they tried to kick her out. She stayed and fought indignity after indignity in order to receive her degree, but receive it she did. She eventually opted to teach ( a female oriented profession) but it wasn't about whether she was in a male or female oriented profession. It was all about her right to choose what she wanted for herself in her life.
I know all this because in high school I was very conflicted. None of who I was seemed to fit how other people thought I should be. She took me under her wing, told me her story and eventually got me a job working for a sheltered workshop for disabled adults. This fine woman saw my future and prepared me for it in more ways than I can ever thank her for. (I have a daughter who will eventually work in one of those workshops, and my career choice is in that field as well) I think she knew very well who and what I was, and showed me how I could be true to myself even if I didn't "fit in." She is my shining example of feminism
And she is who I refer to now when people say that my lifestyle choice is a slap in the face of feminism. She taught me that real feminism is the chance to make a choice even if no one else understands our choice.
My regards to you and your dominant.
juliet
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/31/2006 6:14:24 AM >
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RE: Handling Feminist Friends - 
Profile
Take that for feminism you little sissy. 
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