what happens when..... (Full Version)

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leadmetrainme -> what happens when..... (1/1/2007 4:53:57 AM)

Hi [:D]

I wanted to ask if anyone else had been through being in a nilla relationship and wanting to move on but didnt want to hurt their nilla partner

Am I a coward for not wanting to hurt him.



MissyRane -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 5:03:43 AM)

yea it's called breaking up 'cause things don't work out [8|]



onestandingstill -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 5:03:43 AM)

Ending a relationship is not something that's easy for any person.
I would say maybe you're not a coward, but more a compassionate person who does not want to cause someone else pain.
I would say the same would be true vanilla or lifestyle in this respect.
The best thing to do is brace yourself, remain calm, and tell the person the truth.
Best luck for you this year,
suzanne



bandit25 -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 5:15:35 AM)

Aha! I'm going to say it before LA does...Any time you ask "if anyone else has had..." the answer is ALWAYS yes.  Rane is correct...that's just what it's called.  When any relationship is dissolved, unless it's by mutual consent (and even then sometimes), someone is going to get hurt.  Whatcha gonna do?  Stay with someone you don't want to avoid hurting them?  Makes no sense to me.



julietsierra -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 5:30:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadmetrainme

Hi [:D]

I wanted to ask if anyone else had been through being in a nilla relationship and wanting to move on but didnt want to hurt their nilla partner

Am I a coward for not wanting to hurt him.


Want to hurt them more? Stay. Stay and pretend you care for them the way you once did. (you can't really hide your feelings y'know...people always eventually see through it). Stay and assure them that their ever-increasing questions regarding how you feel have no basis. Stay and be "kind" to them.

That way, when you finally do break up, when you finally do realize you just can't do this anymore, you can add betrayal to the feelings they might feel over breaking up. You can be so kind as to help them to foster self-doubt over their sense of judgment, and you can show them the ultimate kindness of allowing them to become more deeply entrenched in your relationship before pulling out of it.

I'm not trying to be cruel here, but I AM trying to point how how, even when our INTENTIONS are good, lying to someone never does anyone any good whatsoever. And doing things out of kindness often results in even more misery for the person you were trying to be kind to.

If you feel there is some hope for the relationship and want to keep working on it, then by all means, work on it. But if you're just wanting out, and you feel it's run its course, then do yourself and the other person in your relationship a real kindness and make the break up as short and succinct as possible. Don't leave room for possibilities. (The absolute CRUELEST thing I've ever seen done is to have someone tell their partner that they need a 6 month break - just to see how things will look then. The person who walked away had no intention of coming back and it kept the other person on the hook, hoping against hope for 6 long months. Kind of silly, but nonetheless, very cruel.) Don't change your mind and don't cave to tears.

Walk in, say what you need to say, turn around and walk out. Don't get involved in long explanations beyond the simple reasons things aren't working. Don't lie and don't try to make things "easier" because you're so "kind."

In the long run, doing things this way - in my opinion - is vastly more kind than staying when you don't want to or holding out false hope to them that things might eventually work out.

juliet



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 5:38:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadmetrainme

Hi [:D]

I wanted to ask if anyone else had been through being in a nilla relationship and wanting to move on but didnt want to hurt their nilla partner

Am I a coward for not wanting to hurt him.



You've got a profile up stating you're here looking for another relationship.

The *least* hurtful thing you can do to your current vanilla partner is end things NOW, since you've already got one foot out the door and are looking elsewhere.   Dragging things out not only isn't fair and is ultimately more hurtful to your current, it also is damaging to chances you have of finding the next if you are still involved elsewhere.



agirl -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 5:40:09 AM)

No, it's not cowardly to NOT want to hurt someone you're in a relationship with, even if you are wishing to move on.

Ending relationships are hurtful all round, including the feelings of the person doing the ending.

agirl 



bandit25 -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 5:41:56 AM)

Wish I had seen that...if you're already looking, you're already hurting the other person.  Just end it.



CentFlaDom4Slave -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 8:04:04 AM)

It is always difficult to be in a vanilla relationship when you have the feelings for this lifestyle.  It is even more difficult when you don't find out about the lifestyle and find out what the feelings you are having aren't wrong, and you are already in a very commited relationship (marriage).  I knew something was missing for years and years until a friend spoke to me about this lifestyle.  I was already married and quite happy.  My wife is vanilla and we are at almost 21 years of marriage.  However, we talk, communicate, and remain married and in love though it is a trying relationship for us both at times.

If you aren't in this type....understand that you will have these feeligns and needs that they can't fullfill always....and perhaps...the bst thing to do is to speak to them openly and honestly.and make a decision based on knowlege gthat is best for you both.





Stephann -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 9:41:38 AM)

Nothing cowardly about caring for someone elses feelings. 

Something overlooked is that you, yourself, are hurting (if you weren't, you wouldn't be wanting to end the relationship.)  Hurting your partner with the breakup now will save both of you countless weeks, months, or years of frustration on both your parts - yours for not being fulfilled, his for wondering all the time why you're not fulfilled.  By your lack of fulfillment, you'll never fully give 100% of yourself, and your boyfriend deserves a girl who can give him 100%. 

Still, if you're looking at the difference between 'staying with him as a vanilla' and 'breaking up to find a BDSM partner' you might consider trying to have a talk with him about the situation.  Tell him what you want, tell him why you're not happy, and see if he's interested in experimenting with the lifestyle.  You never know, maybe he's a closet Dom who's just never been told what a flogger was for. 

Over and over, we see stories of couples breaking up over BDSM, or of relationships not working out because he or she is 'vanilla.'  Something attracted you to this man in the first place.  If I had been afraid to share my BDSM interests with gretchen two years ago, she'd might have gone on to have a series of vanilla relationships (after our breakup) and still be wondering why the heck she's not happy with them.  After all, you're on the verge of break-up so what's the harm in telling him the whole story?

Good luck,

Stephan



gretchenS -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 9:59:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

  If I had been afraid to share my BDSM interests with gretchen two years ago, she'd might have gone on to have a series of vanilla relationships (after our breakup) and still be wondering why the heck she's not happy with them. 





I would still be submissive to a vanilla man, because I feel a bigger atraction for dominant man, even if they are not into BDSM... but the masochist in me would be missing something that might be never found in a vanilla relationship.

Even if you get to talk to him and he sounds interested, he might be a bedroom dom only or a relationship dom only with no interest in topping you.

If you decide you can talk to him about your kinks, you have to be very clear about what you seek exactely.

If you want to break up because of other reasons not related to your kinks, then... be honest and understanding...



junecleaver -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 10:12:05 AM)

Not wanting to hurt him is a feeling.  It's understandable that you'd have feelings like this towards a person with whom you built a relationship.  Feelings don't make cowards.  Actions make cowards.  So be careful where you let your feelings lead you. If nothing else, I think you owe him some honest communication about where you are at and how you are feeling.  Maybe you have misjudged and he's a closet freak?  Or maybe you need to move on since discovering more about yourself and your needs?  You cannot make a sound decision without more information and that's going to require communication with your partner.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 11:49:24 AM)

you are hurting the other person by not being honest and ending the realtionship. It hurts to end a relationship but that is just the way it is soemtimes. Have to do it and move on with both of your lives.



mellian -> RE: what happens when..... (1/1/2007 6:58:25 PM)

My first ever relationship as D/s, poly and she was 13 years older than me....not going to ever have a vanilla relationship after that, especially as I prefer hanging out with non-nilla type people.

-mellian



crouchingtigress -> RE: what happens when..... (1/2/2007 3:22:41 AM)

i honestly dont have a lot of sympathy for your situation, in your profile you clearly are seeking a new master, and you have a master already.
 
but yet you have not closed the door on your vanillia relationship, and i think that is decietful.
 
you say you are still with him because you dont want to hurt him, besides the obvious that every one mentioned (you are hurting him more by being dishonest and all) i dont buy the martyr trip.
 
none of of, not a single one does anything from a totally altruistic motivation. we all get somthing out of every thing we do. even the most seemingly unselfish act has a core motivation of self satisfaction.
 
and there is nothing wrong with that, but be honest, you are not still with him just because you dont want to hurt him, likely you also dont want to leave the comforts of the relationship the money, the apt, the dogs....  or maybe you want to have your other relationship firmly in place before you start the next one....i dont know...but you do...give some real thought as to why you are still in this relationship and have had a profile up seeking your new partner...
 
and also one last thing ....how you start and end your relationship, is your personal relationship pattern and you will attract other folks with the same relationship pattern.....dont you want to attract some one with clean past partnerships?, ....
 
and....wouldnt it just gut you if you found out your partner who you think your still in love with had a profile up seeking another and you did not know it for 8 months? and that your partner had a man in her life she called her master....who's approval her next lover had to attain?
 
Owch.
 
 



bandit25 -> RE: what happens when..... (1/2/2007 3:25:05 AM)

CT gives good advice.  It is very hard to leave someone and, perhaps, you don't want to hurt him but he may, in fact, be looking for a way to leave you and not want to hurt you.  Ever think of that?



Celeste43 -> RE: what happens when..... (1/2/2007 6:48:03 AM)

Not wanting to hurt someone shows you are a good and caring person. Being honest enough to say that you don't feel fulfilled or happy with him shows that you are also caring about your own needs. Last time I looked a relationship is supposed to satisfy both people.



SlaveSuru -> RE: what happens when..... (1/2/2007 8:23:01 AM)


I've been in that boat,  When my Mistress died I tried dating somone I had feelings for but he is not lifestyle in any manner.  We dated for almost two years before I decided  I couldn't take it anymore.   I broke up with him and started going to the local BDSM club and lookng around, that's where I met my current Master.   It hurt me so much to have to hurt my friend but that's all he'd ever really been able to be.  We were too different and also too alike for it to work.  He was as submissive as I am, he hated being around people, and didn't like anything I did except reading and fishing and a couple other things.  In the end while it hurt me to do it, I believe I made the best choice for my happiness and his as well because he would've been miserable if I had to go to someone else for a good beating or a good session.  He's now persung a girl he met at a concert and I'm happily in my Master's home serving him to my heart's content.  I still talk to him and we are still friends,  and I think now he understands everything a little better.


In the end all my friends told me the same thing,  Do what makes YOU happy.


Suru



akisha -> RE: what happens when..... (1/2/2007 11:49:33 AM)

It's always better to be honest so that they can move on with thier life, instead of wondering what they did wrong to make you cheat or abandon them.

Just say, my interests have changed and I need to explore them.

Try to part on open and honest terms. The other person may be hurt but they will atleast appreciate the honestly. I'm guessing they would prefer not to waste years in a relationship that has no future anyway.



MagiksSlave -> RE: what happens when..... (1/2/2007 12:22:41 PM)

Honestly you should have ended it befor you came her and made a profile.


Magik's slave



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