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She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 12:34:28 PM   
LadyBadger


Posts: 176
Joined: 11/6/2004
From: Lake Forest, CA
Status: offline 		I'm writing rather blindly as I'm not sure how to approach this... ::smile::

My Dom partner (we are a Dom/Domme couple) just had someone under consideration bail on him -- no explanation, no warning -- just a one-liner on NYE saying "it's not working, I'm sorry"... this after what supposedly was a great dinner/evening out together, over a month of good emails, etc. ... we both thought there was a good possibility of this moving forward into the new year and we both thought they were "on the same page"... well, apparently not!

we're both puzzled about this -- he's been very clear about his wishes, his lifestyle, his partnership with me... I've met her & was impressed... she appeared OK with us... we've both written her to hopefully reassure her that there's no failure, to talk about what's upsetting her, etc. ... the posts are read (here on CM), but no response...

me, this is nothing new that I haven't experienced before (with malesubs)... but he's feeling rather flummoxed/blindsided... he is usually very cautious in his approach, very caring, careful -- takes his time in getting to know someone thoroughly...

any words of wisdom from other Doms out there? has this happened to anyone else -- a femsub simply bailing with no explanation or warning? then refusing all contact?

thanks!

LadyBadger

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 12:44:48 PM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		LadyB,

I'd say....get used to it!  Sorry, don't mean to be trite, but I think it happens a lot.  I think some people think this is a lot of 'online fun' and have a good time exchanging notes back and forth...until the rubber meets the road.

I also believe, there are a LOT of people out there who merely look for a free night out.

And, another thing to consider is; she didn't think things 'clicked'.  <shrugs>  It happens and many find just disappearing is easier than hurting someone's feelings.  Hey, consider yourself lucky she said goodby! 

I'm sorry your partner got hurt.  I think one needs a thick skin to 'shop on line', like we do.
B

(in reply to LadyBadger)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 12:56:06 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Ditto that, it happens a LOT.  At least you got the "sorry it's not working out" email from her.  Most don't get even that. 

I've said in here many times that.....many times, it seems great in email and chat and on the phone, but when you meet in real life is where it becomes reality, and many times reality just isn't what the fantasy was.  Could be she didn't feel physical attraction, or something turned her off somewhere, or she got cold feet and decided she couldn't do it after all. 

You'll drive yourselves crazy if you keep looking for answers to "why? why? why?"  Doesn't matter why, it just isn't.  It DOES happen a lot, with men and women, subs and Doms, straights and kinksters.  Pull up the bootstraps and move on. 

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to MsBearlee)
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RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 2:31:20 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Some people thing they know what they are looking for and when they find it they find it is not what they expected and run. It happens, at least you receaved a note and there is closure there.

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Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 3:04:41 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Sometimes it is about the sub herself and where her head is.  I actually think the sub had class in that she respectfully told you how she felt about it not working.  It is fairly common but is better to happen at this stage than to wait another 6 months and then decide it won't work.  I am sorry that your partner was hurt tho and think it is important that everyone remember it is another human we are talking too.


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"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

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RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 3:32:54 PM   
Nosathro


Posts: 3319
Joined: 9/25/2005
From: Orange County, California
Status: offline 		Tal Lady Badger
 
I first want to say that I have known you both for some time and I have respected you both.  Your, if you will excuse the expression "Better Half" I found to be a person who was careing and open.  Saddly I myself have also experienced this and like you "Better Half" felt rather blindsided myself by a person who suddenly just calls it off without an explaination.   I had the same experience with having it being called off after a dinner and what seem to me to be a good evening and no prior indications.  I, and this is my view, is that there seems to be more "Players" and "Curiosity Seekers" then those who are really interested in the Lifestyle.  I wish Both of You Well
 
Wind, Steel and Honor
 
Nosathro

_____________________________

"The love of a slave girl is the deepest and most profound love that any woman can give a man. Love makes a woman a man's slave, and the wholeness of that love requires that she be, in truth, his slave." Magicians of Gor, page 31

(in reply to LadyBadger)
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RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 3:38:38 PM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		People change their minds all the time, at least she was polite enough to email you.
Many just disappear, especially online.

(in reply to LadyBadger)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 3:50:21 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear LadyBadger, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In my mind's eyes I see; people can really want something bad enough and go through all the steps, even enter the door and they see this huge leap that changes their comfort of what they know already into a life in the unknown.  Cold feet.
 
Time isn't right.  So, people will back away.  It isn't anybody's fault in the majority of cases.  Just the timing was off or not right.  Yet, if it was in a different time in their life and or circumstances; the leap would be made smoothly.
 
Regardless if right or wrong--anybody bailing gives a terrible feeling and start trying to diagnois what went wrong on the home side.  Sometimes you'll never get the answer as there wasn't any wrong on any one particular person's part. 
 
I look at it this way in my mind's eyes--if it is wrong for them, it is wrong for me as well.  I rather they listen to their gut, their own voice and be secure with it, then to ignore their gut and leap into something that isn't right for them time wise and or anything else wise; upsetting them and or my household and I.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to LadyBadger)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 3:57:50 PM   
Prodomguy


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline 		I've had it happen to me several times over the years.  All the reasons already mentioned are valid.  Another possibility is that the submissive in question had undisclosed mental health issues.  Depression, for example, can strike at any time and one of the symptoms is cutting off contact with people who you have become close to.

It is also possible that the submissive was not honest with you.  Perhaps she was married or had other obligations that she did not mention at the appropriate time.  Perhaps she had an STD or other health problem.  Rather than admit her omission, she bailed.

If you plan to date more submissives, get used to it and develop plans to deal with it.  Personally I started dating Dommes and found them to be more stable. 

Prodomguy
Portland, OR

(in reply to VeryMercurial)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 4:01:32 PM   
Carrianna


Posts: 273
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		I have had it happen to me, several times, but it also goes the other way too!!!

Have met a couple of subs from here, who have been genuine...

(in reply to LadyBadger)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 4:11:17 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I'm making no comments regarding my personal views, but it could very well be, not that she had any less dedication to "the lifestyle" than anyone else, but that when push came to shove, she simply realized she wanted someone who wanted her for herself, not an addition to an already established couple - even if that couple IS a dom/domme couple.

It is a valid desire to be wanted for one's own self y'know - and to want to be the person in the primary couple rather than the additional person. Personally, like others who have already said this, I think it's commendable that she realized whatever her issues were and was upfront about it now rather than 6 months down the road when everyone's feelings were more involved than they are now.

Disappointment over what you THOUGHT might have been is substantially better than loss of what was.

juliet

(in reply to Nosathro)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 4:13:51 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		In the vanilla world, i did something like you mention, a long time ago. I tried to convince myself for a month that i wanted to give it a try. i wanted to be nice and was afraid he'd hate me for telling the truth. Some things worked, some things were not what i wanted.

"nice" doesn't cut it in a community where straight communication is so important. I know this behavior may be hard to understand coming from another lifestyler. But, sometimes people do sift through that are not mature enough to deal with everyone straightly.

Thank goodness it was only a month and not so much was invested in the budding relationship.





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(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 4:24:19 PM   
MasterDesire


Posts: 45
Joined: 1/20/2005
Status: offline 		Hello  To All

I too find this and other sites interesting.  The lack of respect and the total lack of honesty really is disheartening.  I am finding more and more are using the female names and are really male. I find that if you want to play games then go do it in a sand box some place or on a card table. To many times you read of ones that were played  for no reason and that is sad. Some of us take the life as a serious way to live bringing both joy and fulfillment to each of us. True there are books and books wrote on the life but  you make choices as two together not by someway some other performs. There are no set in stone ways to act in this life. But there is a common rule in all life HONESTY and RESPECT  Let's all try to live by that  

(in reply to classykindasassy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 4:24:29 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger

any words of wisdom from other Doms out there? has this happened to anyone else -- a femsub simply bailing with no explanation or warning? then refusing all contact?

thanks!

LadyBadger




Actually, she did give you an explanation which was, it wasn't working. When something isn't working, I'm not sure what sort of warning you can expect for it. It's not as if she would write and say.. oh, next week I'm going to figure out it's not working and cease having contact with you. I'm not sure, exactly, what else you thought she should have done, but on the dump scale, what your partner faced was fairly mild and at least you did get some word from the submissive even if there is no further contact. She's done, she let you know she's done, she let you know 'why' (it's just not working for her) ... so you just need to accept that and be done, too. When it's right, it will work for everyone.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 4:28:48 PM   
DominatrixDevia


Posts: 14
Joined: 1/28/2006
Status: offline 		As a professional I know it happens all the time. It has happened with many of us that are pros as well as lifers. In all areas of life and business we will encounters wankers and timewasters who want to instant message and talk to you on the phone ALL day and night with NO follow-thru. Or go out for a free night out and that is all they are seeking they can get their thrills that way....also some people get a kick out of getting your hopes up and then letting you down, that is the high for them. We have our share right here on this board wasting other people's time.

I can respect a person indicating they are not sure they are ready or they got scared. At least you did get a goodbye out of them.

I think you are doing the right things in being direct and upfront. I may come across as abrupt but I believe in being direct and to the point, within a first message one should be confident enough to say what they will and will not do and what you can offer your Domme/sub/slave in a relationship.

I have personally learned to ignore the short, nondescript messages commenting on looks or messages where I have to probe for information. If you are not sharing  with Me so I can get comfortable enough to continue communicating or make it worth My time where I don't have to work to pull info out of you, I ignore those because some people just want attention and as long as you replying or keep probing them for details they get a thrill out of that. There is not a clear cut answer on who is serious and who is not, You have to go with your gut with people, if you are hesitating then don't second guess yourself. If I am not feeling it I will reply no thanks and move one. In My opinion time is money and I won't waste any of either on someone who is not wanting something meaningful and serious.


(in reply to classykindasassy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 4:31:24 PM   
emdoub


Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline 		Oh?  Everything seemingly going fine, then they just vanish with no explanation or warning?  Yup - it's hit me, too.

It's not just online - I've seen at least a half-dozen people do that in the early stages of relationship (BDSM and otherwise) in venues where online had nothing to do with it.

It's ugly, it's upsetting, and it happens.  It's rude, but there's really no good response but to go on and survive it.

Midnight Writer


_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to LadyBadger)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 5:06:08 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger


any words of wisdom from other Doms out there? has this happened to anyone else -- a femsub simply bailing with no explanation or warning? then refusing all contact?

It happens, and more frequently than you would perhaps expect.  In some, I would say many, cases the person scared themselves.  It wasn't anything you did or didn't do so much as the person realized what they were doing or about to do and got scared and bolted.  These are also the ones most likely to stop speaking to you... they're afraid to talk about what they felt and you remind them of that.

The only advice I can give is to take it slow enough you create a "dance" with the submissive (as one submissive put it to me).  What I mean by "dance" is that you give them time to gradually get to know you and what you offering... which gives them time to adjust to it any new ideas you may be presenting and also the feelings they will be experiencing.  Fears and doubts are natural reactions when we are confronted with new ideas, concepts and experiences.  But they become overwhelming when the flow of those new concepts, ideas and experiences comes too fast.  Hence the need for a bit of "dance".  How fast is too fast... depend on the person... and that's the tricky bit.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to LadyBadger)
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RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 5:17:16 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger

My Dom partner (we are a Dom/Domme couple) just had someone under consideration bail on him -- no explanation, no warning -- just a one-liner on NYE saying "it's not working, I'm sorry"... this after what supposedly was a great dinner/evening out together, over a month of good emails, etc. ... we both thought there was a good possibility of this moving forward into the new year and we both thought they were "on the same page"... well, apparently not!

any words of wisdom from other Doms out there? has this happened to anyone else -- a femsub simply bailing with no explanation or warning? then refusing all contact?
LadyBadger


Coming from someone who knows the both of you personally.  Your relationship can be quite intimidating.  The way the two of you gang up on unsuspecting souls...hehe.
Anyway, if I were looking.  I would look at your relationship.  What you tell me you want and also what Brian is telling me he wants.
I'd try...because I'd know it would be great.
However in the end would I want to share either one of you?  Probably not.

He/she probably got cold feet and don't know how to tell the two of you.
No fear though, someone else will come along soon.

Chaulk it up to experience and move on with life.

(in reply to LadyBadger)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 7:38:06 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah, I think the fantasy, when brought to life, just isn't what the person expects.  I've gotten cold feet myself.

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 7:40:24 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know that I'd call it rude.  The OP said that she received an email saying that she had changed her mind or whatever.  At that point, she's under no obligation (well, she's never really under any obligation) to answer any more emails.  I think that I prolly would, just because of how I am wired, but I can see why this girl may not.

(in reply to emdoub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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