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RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 7:48:44 PM

Anarrus

Posts: 475
Joined: 11/8/2005
Status: offline

Be satisfied she at least gave some sense of closer, even if only two short sentences. Many don't even get that. Having someone bail sucks, but it happens. Take a little comfort in knowing you've joined what probably is a very large club.

Be well

Anarrus

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"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."...Goethe
"Send lawyers, guns and money" ..Warren Zevon

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 21

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/1/2007 10:51:34 PM

LadyBadger

Posts: 176
Joined: 11/6/2004
From: Lake Forest, CA
Status: offline

Thank you, one & all, for your honest, kind and sharing responses... for myself, the "event" was surprising given how I perceived things to be progressing tween them... but in the scheme of things, not all that surprising... crap happens & one deals with it... I'm just very saddened for the pain of my partner -- he didn't deserve this (and neither does anyone anywhere else!)...

she really is a very lovely lady and I hope she eventually finds what she is looking for...

as for seeing good friends here, hi back! ::smile:: "ganging up on unsuspecting souls"??? heh, well, geesh, you make that sound like it's a bad thing! a good tag-team can be SO much fun, esp. when requested politely...

however, oddly enough, I have experienced others feeling intimidated by a team/group, whether online or real-time and it truly puzzles me... it's not like we got together for any sinister or nefarious purpose, unless one considers FUN to be a bad thing? ::smile:: about the only way to defuse that is to invite the others to join in!

and yes, poly is not for everyone -- it's not a cure-all for relationship woes or whatever one feels is wrong with traditional relationship forms, etc. ... certainly both of us respect whatever path others choose for themselves, as we would wish to be respected for our choice(s)... ::smile:: for us, finding a compatible poly partner is the icing on the cake!

again, thank you everyone from us both! the good words, thoughts & support are most appreciated!

LadyBadger and Highwaymanrt66

(in reply to LadyBadger)

Post #: 22

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 6:37:35 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You say that he was very clear about his wishes, desires etc. You don't say that the communication was going both ways. Apparently she didn't feel that her wishes and plans were being taken into consideration.

She told him she didn't want to continue with him. He could write politely and ask her to tell him what he did wrong but be prepared to not get a response.

Because he was seriously considering her doesn't mean she is obligated to yield to his wishes. Last time I looked it was a two way street.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 23

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 6:51:04 AM

LadyBadger

Posts: 176
Joined: 11/6/2004
From: Lake Forest, CA
Status: offline

She was communicating back -- I'd been reading the emails back & forth all along... they'd just had dinner out on Friday 12/29, they'd written one another several times since about future plans, current plans, etc. ... it appeared there was a depth of affection and there certainly was no sense of unhappiness till the last email... that's why we were both so surprised at her sudden/abrupt farewell...

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 24

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 7:06:39 AM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

While its distressing when someone you are interested in decides not to pursue the relationship, this incident doesn't seem that unusual to me. How many times have we all dated someone for a week, a month, a few months, and decided that we weren't in the right place for a relationship or that this person wasn't the right one for us. Often times we can be drawn and attracted to someone, and so we investigate the potential of that relationship. After a bit of time together, we recognize that this is not the right direction.

I know that people often complain about this in the BDSM world, and I'm not sure why finding a partner should be any different than it would be in the vanilla world. Sometimes you know immediately that someone is not right and you don't bother to engage or exchange emails. But sometimes, you feel drawn to someone - there are qualities that attract you and you move forward in the investigation...but then as you delve deeper, realize something you need is missing in that particular person. It's disappointing, but I think it is to be expected as a normal part of the process of pairing up.

(in reply to LadyBadger)

Post #: 25

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 7:15:53 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Since she actually met both of you then I have a hard time putting any blame on her being less than honest with both of you or herself. Maybe she was not ready or maybe in fact it is what she wrote you, not working for her. The message was short but at least you got a message.

The problem on my end when I have cut things off is that no never means no to the other person and basically to end it does usually require a clean cut of communication. It is so tough to find someone and when you have gotten to a point that effort and emotions have become invested that it is very difficult to accept, I am sorry no thanks.

Maybe if she would have kept communication going she would have said something more in detail but would both of you just accepted that or try to talk her out of her decision and how would you feel if someone would do the same to you. My guess is she did not want to go through that.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

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(in reply to darksdesire)

Post #: 26

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 7:27:48 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

The general theme to these types of issues seems to be:

Some days your house burns up; and some days your house burns down.

Hope you find that which you seek.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 27

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 7:33:37 AM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline

I can see how she may have been intimidated (not necessary in the negative sense) by meeting you both. She may have been scared by the prospect of a "real relationship" as others have said, and acted in haste by saying it's not working. You never know, if you leave her be she may come around and want to communicate again. Trying to push her into changing her mind may only cause further anguish on her behalf.

I only say this because I went through something similar with Sir when we first met, though it was not fear that caused me to rethink the relationship. I felt that he wasn't really all that interested and didn't want to prolong the relationship if things weren't clicking. I did communicate openly with him, and things worked out very well (we live together now), but my concerns could have easily ended the relationship had I not communicated how I was feeling.

Maybe if you give her some breathing room - she will realize it was a mistake and try to communicate how she was feeling and why she did what she did. Then again, she may not. But as others have said, at least she said goodbye.

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afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 28

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 7:42:07 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger

as for seeing good friends here, hi back! ::smile:: "ganging up on unsuspecting souls"??? heh, well, geesh, you make that sound like it's a bad thing! a good tag-team can be SO much fun, esp. when requested politely...
LadyBadger and Highwaymanrt66

Well not so unsuspecting I should say. I remember one time after a Paddlers munch we went to my friend Michaels office...the doctor. Played with his violet wand for a while. Ron was there and succumbed to one of your sounding sessions. I remember him bitching about it stinging to pee for about a week after.
First time I ever saw a sounding. No idea why that time sticks out when there were so many other.

As far as poly goes, you've been around a long time. How many successful relationships have you come across?
I still think that her intentions were probably good. Then as time progressed and feelings started growing deeper. Fear overcome her. She pulled back.
Though, would she talk to you about her departure? It's worth a shot.

Gloria

(in reply to LadyBadger)

Post #: 29

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 6:35:42 PM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

I don't know that I'd call it rude. The OP said that she received an email saying that she had changed her mind or whatever. At that point, she's under no obligation (well, she's never really under any obligation) to answer any more emails.

Legal obligation? Not at all - nobody is obligated, legally.

But a social obligation does seem to apply here. If the relationship has gotten beyond the first meeting, and all seems to be going well, whomever changes their mind is, in my eyes, obligated to give a somewhat better explanation than "it's not working, I'm sorry".

Rudeness happens, some people are often rude, and others who are rarely rude are still rude on occasion, and we all have to deal with it. This does not, in my eyes, make such behavior less rude in and of itself.

(Have I been guilty myself, of failing to send the followup "no, thanks" email or call after a first meeting? Yup. It's not behavior I'm proud of, and it was rude.)

Midnight Writer

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Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 30

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 6:37:03 PM

RandomGAGirl

Posts: 57
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

It does seem to happen a lot on both ends :(. I know it can always be a let down to meet someone who seems 'perfect' and then have them vanish in a puff of smoke. I'm glad she at least sent a note but I know that doesn't make it easier especially when it comes to finding out what went wrong.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 31

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 6:52:40 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I guess my point was that she didn't disappear. I mean, she did say that it wasn't working...should she have said why...yeah, probably. But, it doesn't sound like it was a "relationship". I'm not trying to split hairs...maybe she didn't know how to explain herself...maybe she didn't want to...who knows? I guess my point is that she at least did say goodbye.

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 32

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/2/2007 8:50:33 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: emdoub

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

I don't know that I'd call it rude. The OP said that she received an email saying that she had changed her mind or whatever. At that point, she's under no obligation (well, she's never really under any obligation) to answer any more emails.

Legal obligation? Not at all - nobody is obligated, legally.

But a social obligation does seem to apply here. If the relationship has gotten beyond the first meeting, and all seems to be going well, whomever changes their mind is, in my eyes, obligated to give a somewhat better explanation than "it's not working, I'm sorry".

Rudeness happens, some people are often rude, and others who are rarely rude are still rude on occasion, and we all have to deal with it. This does not, in my eyes, make such behavior less rude in and of itself.

(Have I been guilty myself, of failing to send the followup "no, thanks" email or call after a first meeting? Yup. It's not behavior I'm proud of, and it was rude.)

Midnight Writer

I had someone break a three year relationship off with a letter on the door on Easter... was it rude? It was beyond rude. It was actually a mutual split and I knew it was over for me too, but I did not know how to break it off either. You see, I loved him as a friend, and that was a mutual love too. It is hard to face breaking things off sometimes, especially when you know it will hurt someone, and there is no kind way to hurt someone. BTW, even after he broke it off with me in such a cowardly way we ended up friends eventually, it is just impossible to say that "goodbye" to the relationship sometimes

I agree with Celeste... it is not working, what more is there to say? It is not like people can even articulate the "why" of it often.. it just ain't happening.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 33

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/3/2007 2:25:54 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings

i am the one who write not well i try my best i am learning but what i have to say is many so many want this lifestlye but they become scare and not knowing what to say like many have said some leave without a word and many rethink what they want i am sorry this happen to you i hope you take time to rest then look again please take a time i wish you well

mons warms wishes

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 34

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/3/2007 2:59:50 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

From a sub's perspective: i have had several occassions where i've communicated by email and by phone and then comes the first face-to-face and i get a stone in my stomach. It may not be "cold feet" or even any form of dishonesty or commitment to the lifestyle or any such thing, it's just the chemistry doesn't feel right. It doesn't have to be a flaw on the Dom's part and it doesn't have to be a flaw on my part. Sometimes, dispite all the wonderful emails and phone conversations, the in-person aura doesn't shine. i have met Doms who i really liked in person but never heard from again. i chalk it up to chemistry.

Now, several months ago i met a Dom who was great on line and on the phone and i was really looking forward to meeting Him. When we met in person He was unable to have a conversation, when He did speak it was to be critical of the wait staff, He had a couple of personal hygiene problems and never once smiled. i could have emailed all these things to Him and it would have just sounded like being critical or whining and trigger His defenses, so i simply told Him i did not feel the level of connection i wanted to feel. This was correct, truthful and kind.

Just because Your Dom partner is wonderful to You and perhaps a plethora of others does not mean this particular sub felt the same. There's no profit in assigning blame to anyone.

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Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

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(in reply to LadyBadger)

Post #: 35

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/3/2007 4:28:26 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
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I find it kind of strange that a thread would be started when she did the nice thing and sent an email. I'd hate to see what you would have done if she did the not nice thing and just disappeared. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
She didn't feel a connection for whatever reason.

(in reply to LadyBadger)

Post #: 36

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/3/2007 6:53:38 AM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

When we met in person He was unable to have a conversation, when He did speak it was to be critical of the wait staff, He had a couple of personal hygiene problems and never once smiled. i could have emailed all these things to Him and it would have just sounded like being critical or whining and trigger His defenses, so i simply told Him i did not feel the level of connection i wanted to feel. This was correct, truthful and kind.

And remarkably polite, to boot. After a first meeting, a simple "no thanks" is all that politeness requires. My impression of the OP was that negotiations had gotten much farther than that, and had seemed much more promising, when she bailed out.

Celeste, Juliaoceania - yes, once there's a connection, it's very tough to break it off, I agree. I don't agree that this excuses any kind of bailout.

My last breakup, I initiated, and it was tough. It entailed about 2 weeks of phone calls and emails, but we both went through it, got closure, and remained friends. Emotional connection entails responsibility, doesn't it?

My rule of thumb? Walking out should take up to about 1/4 of the energy/time it took walking in, or whatever it takes for both sides to have closure, whichever is less.

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 37

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/3/2007 10:43:39 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

My last breakup, I initiated, and it was tough. It entailed about 2 weeks of phone calls and emails, but we both went through it, got closure, and remained friends. Emotional connection entails responsibility, doesn't it?

I had closure with that relationship I mentioned above. I could have called him if I wished, I could have let it drag out. I did not need to. Not everyone is the same. I am sure the person in the OP could have called the person in question to ask "why" if necessary, if they have a phone number that is, and if they do not have each other's phone numbers... well that speaks volumes too.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 38

RE: She Bailed?! - 1/7/2007 1:51:40 PM

LordIncantatore

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline

Another thing to consider is that around New Years Eve, a lot of people seem to think that is the time to re-evaluate thier lives. Maybe she decided that this lifestyle in general isn't for her, or that she was looking for something different. Yes, it would be nice if they gave more details but then again at least she didn't just ignore you either. It really may have nothing to do with you two at all and may just in fact be a change in her needs.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 39

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