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Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 9:47:31 PM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
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I was having a conversation with a Dom friend of mine from another site and some very interesting points came out of it and I had hoped to get some viewpoints from other Doms (or their subs or any subs or anyone for that matter LOL).

He is on a search for a slave to own. He is a good enough guy and has some solid experience in the scene. He is a member of the local community where He lives and I personally believe He would be a pretty good Master once He finds His girl. (He was interested in me as well but I already have someone at this stage).

Anyways..during the month of December, He actually had about 3 or 4 ladies He was interested in and thought they were very interested in Him as well. He spent alot of time "cultivating" them and preparing them for the first meeting. With each one, the first meeting never happened. Now..in talking with Him..I got the distinct impression that He spent alot of time, energy and effort into making these meetings happen and I got to thinking...was He just plain trying too hard? I know that tonight..He is disheartened and exhausted from the time He put in to only have it come to nothing.

My question is this..do other Doms put in this much work to try and prove to a submissive / slave that they are worth being with? I got to wondering if in the heavy pursuit, the submissive decided she didnt have to try so hard..He wanted her..all she had to do was let Him chase. And if this were the case...were either of them getting what they needed / wanted? (obviously no since the meeting didnt take place..but what if they had and this turned into a relationship dynamic?)

Keep in mind that I am looking for viewpoints and not answers...but I look forward to hearing different thoughts on this.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

Post #: 1

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 9:53:55 PM

sallysunshine

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline

she probably could tell that he was chatting and interested in others too
or just not giving her the time she thought she should have.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 2

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 10:26:19 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I think it varies. Some people cast a wide net and see what they bring in. Some cast a single hook and hope for the best. Either way, spending long periods of time reeling them in takes its toll. More often than not - in my estimation - taking that much time and effort simply on getting to the point of meeting is pretty indicative of potential relationships with no potential.

That's why I really like the whole 2 week limit. We begin talking...we have 2 weeks from then to figure out how to meet or not...if not, then the relationship isn't going anywhere. That's not to say it might not at a different time, but right now...it's probably time to move on.

So many people talk about just "knowing" when they've met the people they're with, that it seems that the odds are heavily in favor of this eventually happening. Anything more and you're working too hard on someone you don't even know.

juliet

(in reply to sallysunshine)

Post #: 3

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 10:29:49 PM

Travelino

Posts: 34
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline

Hi there, RedSavageSlave.

I put very little energy into setting up a meeting.

"Do you want to meet for coffee and discuss our viewpoints on the lifestyle?".
Yes?, k, I can meet you at this time, on this day, looking forward to it.
No? Ok, maybe in the future we can get together.

There is absolutely no need to convince someone to do something that they are leary about. They now know that I am willing to meet with them, its up to them to be willing to meet me. I will, of course refrain from asking them again, just to avoid causing possible pressure on them. Of course, I am in no rush to meet anyone, and there would a substantial amount of time would have passed before even suggesting we meet in person (the time-factor may vary, depending on the comminication involved beforehand.)

<<edited for sentence structure.>>

Travelino.

< Message edited by Travelino -- 1/1/2007 10:34:52 PM >

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 4

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 10:48:02 PM

TallAussieGirlie

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline

I know sometimes, when a Mistress pushes for a meeting before I am comfortable with the idea, I tend to back off. I respect that as a Dominant you should be able to dictate when you are ready to meet. However, as an unowned submissive, if I am not ready for that meeting, pushing is going to scare me off ratehr than instill me with confidence. The best Mistress I have ever been associated with suggested a meeting once, and I said I wasnt ready. Her response was "I'll wait for you, for a while. But dont think I will wait forever. If it takes forever to be ready, then you arent the one for me."
She was right. We met a few weeks later and I spent 6 wonderful months with her.

M

(in reply to Travelino)

Post #: 5

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 10:51:47 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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Maybe his choices were his problem...we all tend to repeat the same mistakes in choices over and over again.All he can know for sure is that the only true constant in all of his communications with these submissives is himself..So hence maybe he needs to go a little outside of his own "box" change up what he "thinks" he is looking for and widen his scope a little. Though these submissives were different people, they were more than possibly a lot of the same.....wish your friend well and best wishes...Tempting

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 6

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 11:03:53 PM

Nosathro

Posts: 3319
Joined: 9/25/2005
From: Orange County, California
Status: offline

greetings RedSavageSlave

I think what happen is very typical now. I do not think I try to hard. I am amazed at people who come here set up a profile and request those who are within a few limits like age and location respond. They never reply back but in the journel continue to complain about all the rude responses they get.

I wish you well

Nosathro

_____________________________

"The love of a slave girl is the deepest and most profound love that any woman can give a man. Love makes a woman a man's slave, and the wholeness of that love requires that she be, in truth, his slave." Magicians of Gor, page 31

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 7

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 11:25:48 PM

Leonidas

Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
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quote:

My question is this..do other Doms put in this much work to try and prove to a submissive / slave that they are worth being with? I got to wondering if in the heavy pursuit, the submissive decided she didnt have to try so hard..He wanted her..all she had to do was let Him chase. And if this were the case...were either of them getting what they needed / wanted? (obviously no since the meeting didnt take place..but what if they had and this turned into a relationship dynamic?)

Well, two things here:

A dominant who becomes too solicitious in the process runs the risk of being seen as a beggar by the sub, and shattering any impression he or she had of his or her dominance. Nothing less attractive than a "dominant" on the beg.

Second thing is yeah, there is just about no percentage in pumping lots and lots of time into the average free-range online submissive. They are almost guaranteed to be talking to multiple others besides you, and you have no idea what they're saying to the others, or how far along in the process they are with them. A sub/slave that you invest a good deal of time in has a pretty good probability of just disappearing one day, owing to the fact that he or she took up with someone else that you know nothing about. There are also a significant percentage of submissives who get themselves stuck because they lied to you somehow during the course of the "get to know you" phase and so have precluded the possibility of ever actually meeting you. There are others for whom this will never be anything other than a fantasy. All you're unwittingly doing is supplying them with masturbation material.

Before you think I'm being overly hard on submissives, you can take what I wrote above, flip it over, and it applies to your average free-range online dominant as well.

I met the slave that I own, and have owned for two years through collarme. After two days she was begging to meet me. After a couple of weeks she was begging to be collared. After a month she was collared and has been ever since. Now, that's pretty fast, but I say it to point out that if someone is here seriously looking, and they are seriously interested in you, things are going to progress from talking to meeting to acting in a fairly linear, straightforward manner. If they don't, you're probably somewhere toward the middle of the list of people he or she is stringing along 'cause they might be interested in them, or you're in the list of cyber-buddies that they keep to make them hard/wet talking about all the kinky stuff they're going to be doing "Real Soon Now (tm)"

Bottom line, you have to have a pretty thick skin and a decently tuned bullshit detector to be successful in finding a master/dom/sub/slave through a site like this, and you have to recognize that it's just a numbers game until it has moved past the online talking phase to a second or third in person meeting.

< Message edited by Leonidas -- 1/1/2007 11:33:40 PM >

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 8

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/1/2007 11:33:54 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

When I have found a sub who was worth pursuing, I might be tempted to do so. But, for the most part, I let them come to me. I will suggest a meeting, and they can either accept or decline. I am not going to badger them into it, becasue if they arent comfortable enough to meet me, then there are others that are. I wont rush a comfort level, but I am also not going to wait forever for someone. Aussie was close on my quote. "If you need that long to be comfortable enough just to meet me, we are never going to get anywhere."

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Leonidas)

Post #: 9

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 2:43:32 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i am of the mind that this decision should be approached with at least the same consideration that i make a career choice....due diligence for me i have a a multi tier initiation process....and after two weeks of showing good faith it is time to meet.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 10

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 2:44:35 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

These two contradictory sentences say enough for me - even though I'm aware they're your words moreso than your friends...

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

He is on a search for a slave to own.

Anyways..during the month of December, He actually had about 3 or 4 ladies He was interested in and thought they were very interested in Him as well.

One hard and fast rule for me when I'm looking is *one at a time* - because it IS exhausting! If another happens along while I'm cultivating the first relationship, I tell her straight off about my priority but that she's welcome to write back at a later date if she wishes....

I can't help thinking your friend wasn't so much trying too hard as not being focused on what he really wants. Either he was juggling 3 or 4 separate conversations at once (perfect formula for screwing up) or he was open to each about the others' existance, which undoubtedly would have put off at least one or two of them. Or all of them?

I think if he really wants *a* slave, that's what he should concentrate on!

Focus.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 11

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 2:58:17 AM

maleslave07

Posts: 14
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

I personally think its about expectations that people have. To be honest you cannot dominate or submit in an online relationship. After all what is a Dom going to do to a sub online? Spank you? Get serious. And yes I'm wearing pink panties right now to show my submission to a potential mistress. Get serious, sorry no pink panties for me (at least not until I'm truely collared...just in case she reads this posting).

I was comparing notes with a sub I knew here online and in R/L. She posted her profile with several pics...and yes she was actually the girl in the pics and her personality was just as she mentioned in her profile. But the level of response to her profile was overwhelming to say the least.

When she first started out she decided that she would be polite and reply to each and every email she got, even if it was a "Thank you but not interested". Her problem was that each time she logged into her account she would have about 10 new pages of emails. I don't know how many emails are to a page, but by trying to respond even in the simplest of messages of not interested in a polite and kind way she was unable to conduct her own search.

By not being able to conduct her own search she eventually got frustrated and had to put conditions into her profile...age, location, etc. And the use of filters, some of which didn't help since they eliminated a person or two who she was interested in that were borderline in what she was seeking. Then there were the people she thought she might be interested in. Some became very rude due to slow response or unrealistic demands and expectations. Such as, you should only be talking to me and me only...after just one email or just a couple of emails...get serious, she was searching and taking her search seriously (not very successfully due to the degree of emails). Just because they were first to contact her they should have special privilage and exclusive rights to her.

To be honest though I can see the Doms point of view...doesn't want to share or loose the potential slave to another Dom out there. But to be honest from her point of view she had just started looking, her profile had only been up two days and once her pics posted, then she had more offers than specks of sand on a beach (most were worthless to be honest).

Who goes out and buys the first house/car they see? Nobody, usually you shop around, do some research, compare, and then try and make the best informed decision at the time. If everybody just took the first offer given them without doing a little bit of leg work then all of us uncollared slaves/subs would be collared or all the Doms out there would be already taken.

Yes it does take time, energy, and effort. I wish it was as simple as do you want to hook up and meet somewhere public. That would save alot of the time, energy, and effort. I personally have met several people from collarme. Including as it turned out a 3rd cousin (whoops). One person I met even got to a third meeting. None worked out though for various reasons.

Some things that I think are wrong are that people don't read the profiles (when it doesn't say willing to relocate then why do you bother emailing them beyond a reasonable distance); people don't put expectations into their profiles (if you have specific expectations that you require your slave to adhere to, then list them); and finally people just don't use proper manners (if you are talking to someone and stop...then say thank you but not interested, for whatever reason if they ask...be polite though and let them know. Do not be rude and just stop talking). There are probably more than just these three, but you can bitch about them later.

I agree that there are game players out there and there is only so much you can do to weed them out. I agree the best way to weed them out is to ask them if they wish to meet eventually. And if not, then you know. If not right now, then ask them what/when are their expectations for meeting. And if they wish to meet then you definately know.

Some people use the phone as a way to weed out game players. I personally don't like giving out my phone number on the first email or even calling somebody until I've gotten to know them. Last thing I want is some crazy idiot out there having my phone number calling me at work. I generally follow the rule of not giving my cell phone number out to anybody unless I have met them in person. This allows me to know who I'm giving it to. I do make exceptions if I feel a very good vibe with the person.

I rather meet ASAP personally, but I am willing to put time into emailing and instant messaging. Usually the latter to be honest. You can create a simple annonomous yahoo/AIM/Hotmail account easily and quickly enough for privacy/safety purposes.

That just leaves how long you should chat/email before meeting. Again you should have a good idea of what they are thinking or what their schedule is based on your conversation about when you should meet. 2-4 weeks is generally a good time period if you ask me. But the goal should be to meet and both parties should be able to agree ahead of time about that simple goal in principle.

Using my friend as an example, she is a teacher and tax accountant. She didn't want to meet until the school year/tax season ended...two months down the road, but at least she told people up front why. Her schedule didn't really permit it, since she was in the middle of tax season. And she had concerns about how being a teacher could be affected by anybody who found out that should not know about this side of her. Yes she was idiotic for posting her pics on her profile given her concerns. She took them down once that was pointed out to her.

To answer your question though, your friend maybe had too high of expectations without getting some sort of clear picture of what the women's goals were. Just remember nothing is real until you meet in R/L.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 12

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 4:02:50 AM

SlaveAkasha

Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
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3 or 4 ladies..all in the same month, or at the same time? I think most people know when someone they are talking to, is talking to other people. There is the time issue, where maybe they aren't getting what they need out of it, or don't feel important enough to the person to allow themselves to get hurt.

I am sure there are lots of reasons that could be factors. I have talked about meeting someone, that actually got to know them better, or allowed myself to really look at the situation and realize it wasn't what I wanted at all.

Sometimes I think others are just so desperate for a "relationship" in any form, that they don't really look at all of the details about the person, and about what they would bring into their lives.

Maybe that was it, or maybe they were keeping their options open with others also and found someone they connected with in a better way.

I have always found it interesting with Doms I talked to, that they were "allowed" to talk to other sub/slaves, but I was expected to drop everything and only be available to them. I think both parties should keep options open until they meet in person, no matter how good things seem on the surface.

Maybe your friend should just step back a bit and examine what is going on in his own life, that is maybe making things not work out for him. Chances are there is something there he isn't seeing, or doesn't want to. Once he works on that, the other things will start falling into place for him better I would suspect.

Kasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
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(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 13

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 4:08:56 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

He could have been trying too hard or maybe they did know he was talking to others and just gave up. Finding someone is never easy. I know I was very skittish before I met Him. Thankfully, He persevered. I don't think He tried too hard...just the right amount.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 14

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 5:02:53 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sallysunshine

she probably could tell that he was chatting and interested in others too
or just not giving her the time she thought she should have.

So you think that before decisions are made to actually "form" the relationship, that Doms should only be talking to one prospective at a time? I am not sure I agree with this if that is true...and I also think its unrealistic on anyone's part, Dom or sub to expect that.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to sallysunshine)

Post #: 15

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 5:12:31 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas

I met the slave that I own, and have owned for two years through collarme. After two days she was begging to meet me. After a couple of weeks she was begging to be collared. After a month she was collared and has been ever since. Now, that's pretty fast, but I say it to point out that if someone is here seriously looking, and they are seriously interested in you, things are going to progress from talking to meeting to acting in a fairly linear, straightforward manner.

See...now I agree with this..and it was kind of the point that I was making..That he needs to step back and let her do some of the work too if its going to work.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to Leonidas)

Post #: 16

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 5:44:39 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Since I already own a slave but am inactively seeking additonal slaves, my efforts are pretty slight myself online at least.
I might contact them online and say hey I'm gonna be at X on this day and Y on this other date, if you want to meet me you can drop by, and I'll set aside some time to talk with you then. If they show up great, if they do not OK maybe another time.
Not much hel for those who are actively searching, except that the idea that you are an active person and you have a life and they are welcome to join you, really is a healthier way to conduct a search. I never feel like I've wasted alot of effort this way. I don't set much expectation that anything will come of an online meet until after the first face to face meet.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 17

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 6:32:31 AM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

Personally, I put the absolute minimum effort into online relationship building - I go for a meeting over coffee/drinks as quickly as possible. Among other things, I expect to spend minimal time/energy on those who are just feeding their fantasy lives, outright frauds, or with whom there's just not going to be any physical chemistry. This may be different if I weren't focusing on 'local only' - but I am, and I'm visible enough in the local community to look fairly safe to meet with in a public place.

On the 'one at a time' concept - I'm shopping. Until I'm pretty damn sure that this is the one I'm going to want to buy, I have no qualms at all about taking several off of the rack at a time to look at more closely. If someone takes umbrage at not being my one-and-only before we've negotiated for that, they're welcome to walk away - besides being a prevert, I have a life and other responsibilities, and those with expectations that don't match mine are welcome to stop us from wasting each others' time as quickly as they want to.

OTOH, I don't really expect anyone else to invest a whole lot of energy/emotion into the potential relationship, either - if they're not showing enough interest, or are chatting with others besides me, they're not going to upset me - it's more reassuring if they seem to have gotten over the 'Prince Domly is gonna ride up on his white horse any minute' stage. I like realistic expectations.

When you get right down to it, those who want to wait until after they've carefully checked out that one before they'll chat with me strike me as a bit scary - investing that much into a 'maybe' strikes me as someone who is somewhat unrealistic about relationships, and more likely to end up as an emotional trainwreck than as a comfortable partner.

Midnight Writer
Maybe it'd go better if I were more eager and less picky - but Ghu, I hope not!

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 18

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 6:41:34 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

If back when we were talking seriously, he had been also seriously talking with several others I would have known it and been turned off. Hell, remembering what one person says is hard enough, I imagine he asked a if she enjoyed her visit to her sister's while it was actually b who had had such a visit.

Seriously chasing four people at once smacks of desperation and desperation is never attractive. He would do better to stop seeking a slave and start making friends.

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 19

RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 7:10:11 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Unrealistic expectations. Plain and simple.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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Post #: 20

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