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Trust issues - 1/3/2007 7:30:29 AM   
queensweetangel


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/7/2006
Status: offline 		Because of my past experience, I am having a hard time trusting a new potential Dom. We are communicating just as friends. He's keeping me at arm's length but at the same time I'm also supposed to learn to trust him. How do I learn to trust him when #1 we aren't seeing each other and #2 when he's keeping his distance like this. Am I completely crazy for having a hard time dealing with understanding the reasoning behind this?

_____________________________

Live with intention, walk to the edge, continue to learn, play with abandon, choose with no regret, laugh, do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 7:36:06 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If you can't understand the reasoning, then surely we cannot either.  You need to discuss this with him.

Remember, there's a reason he's a "potential dom"- you are using this time to decide whether you want to make a long term commitment, whether you will be fulfilled together.  If you're already having basic communication and problem solving problems NOW, what does that suggest?  Perhaps neither of you are ready for more at this time.

Talk to him, if you want to work it out with him, then that's the only way to do it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to queensweetangel)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 7:42:33 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I am quite confused. You are communicating as friends but you are considering him as a Dom? Friends and an intimate relationship like D/s are two quite different things. Typically a friend is not going to open themselves up at the level you seem to be wanting him to. Does he know what is going on or does he really think this is basic friendship with a long shot of something more. Personally, if I was doing the friendship thing I would not invest the time and emotion to get the level of trust you seem to be asking for.

When it comes to trust, my advice is to first always look within yourself to see if you are at a place to be able to trust another and until you are at that place you should not be looking for someone. It is unfair to shift the burden of such an important issue all on the opposing person and can very much lead to clouded and wrong judgments and paranoia. Trust is accomplished through time and actions and not a checklist of procedures.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to queensweetangel)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 7:55:42 AM   
submaleslaveuk


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/21/2006
From: Manchester UK
Status: offline 		Firstly hello to you queensweetangel,

How long have you been communicating with this potential Dom? i agree with LuckyAlbatross when she says are you having problems communicating NOW feel like how it would be a few months down the line. Is the problem the trust issues from the past or is it a gut instinct about this Dom? possibly both but i do believe gut instincts are there for a reason and not enough people listens to them.

Whatever happens i really wish you the best of luck for the future and hope your past doesnt upset your future!

Hugs

submaleslaveuk
darren
xoxox

(in reply to queensweetangel)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 8:05:43 AM   
RobertCloud


Posts: 2959
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		Trust is a difficult thing to develop especially online. There are so many potential landmines to building trust and if this man is keeping you held back (as you put it "at arm's distance") then you cannot develop the trust you need to even begin considering a proper relationship.

It becomes even more difficult with time as one Dominant or perhaps on the other shoe, submissive, after another breaks trust. You find that the reason they hold you back, that they are not telling you everything is that there is a secret that they do not want you to find out. Perhaps they have children, or are married, or they are talking to more than one person at a time while they are trying to decide so they keep you help back until they decide who they are more attracted to, or perhaps they are going to play with many and go for all at once and not tell any of them about each other.

A man living in New York, such as myself, could easily have a girl in Virginia, another in New Jersey, another in New York, another in Ohio, another in Wisconsin, and even more, and even see them all realtime from time to time especially if they are the ones that are wanting to pay for their trips to see him. If he was not an honest man, it would be very easy for someone online that does not have someone in his life realtime, or for that matter who even does, to have all of that and none of them to know about each other.

He would not even have to use a different name or nickname, he could have multiple girls from here, some from somewhere else like bondage.com, or alt.com, and some from yet another place.

You see, I am saying this not because I am this way, I am not. However, I ran into a submissive once that had even asked me to marry her. I was considering the possibility when I discovered, because she had given me the password to her primary email account, that she was playing 86 Dominants.

She was collared to 9, engaged to 5 (I would have been #6) and she was even part time living with 2, plus she ran an online pay for sex cam show that she would give freebies if she liked you.

It is because of this that I have a difficult time building trust. I see red flags everywhere when I start with a new potential girl. Every time she does anything even slightly similar to something that other girl did a red flag will begin waving. Any major Drama, and a red flag will wave. Sudden interruptions on the phone, (in the other girl's case she always said it was her brother but it was one of the other Doms), and a Red Flag waves, especially if she does not return immediately or if there are a lot of them.

And the worst time for me is when a meeting is planned, because that was when I discovered the lies of the other girl. We had planned to meet and two days before we were to meet she just disappeared. No phone calls, nothing. I decided I would not get on the bus without talking to her, and that was when I logged onto her account. So now when I plan to meet someone if anything goes wrong with that meeting, even if it is legit, I still get those flags waving and they are hard to stop.

I realize it is MY problem, and I fight it. I try to trust the person until I see true evidence that they are indeed playing me, but I have also driven people away with the lack of trust, especially in the beginning when I was very open and spoke openly about it. Now, mostly I keep it to myself until I see evidence that says there really is a reason to mistrust. But give me even a small reason and I can flare, and unfortunately sometimes that small reason is circumstantial and easily explained and I am soon eating crow.

Once you have had your trust devastated so deeply and as often as I have, building trust is very difficult. To give trust blindly is foolish, it must be earned. Too many trust blindly and are hurt.

If he is holding you back, you need to talk and find out why. If he is not going to loosen that hold, then you need to consider moving on because you cannot build trust when someone won't let you.

_____________________________

Author for Black Velvet Seductions
she melted to her knees and crawled to her master.
Toy's Story: Acquisition of a Sex Toy

(in reply to queensweetangel)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 8:06:06 AM   
PrimitiveLogic


Posts: 145
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Md.
Status: offline 		Arm's length = secrets, to me.  One is  either open; or they are not. As numerous posts have spoken; past behavior is often the best predictor of future behavior. One can get more comfortable with another as they grow accustomed to their 'quirks'; just don't expect them to change. I'd spend time on talking about the expectations the two of you have toward one another...perhaps that might be the forum to slip your concerns in?
Regardless, understand who you are and what your goals are. That is your barometer of growth, happiness, and fulfillment.

(in reply to submaleslaveuk)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 8:25:56 AM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PrimitiveLogic

Arm's length = secrets, to me. 

Arm's length could = many things.
It could = "I dont know exactly what your expectations are and therefore Im trying to avoid setting you up for disappointment if our expectations dont match"
It could = "Im really really careful about revealing myself to people online, so this is going to take a while."

quote:

One is  either open; or they are not.


When is a door not a door? People can exists in all sorts of states other than wide open or slammed shut.

quote:

I'd spend time on talking about the expectations the two of you have toward one another...

Yep, that's pretty much the only way to get past your uneasiness. Of course, you might choose to dwell in the uneasiness and feel it fully before you break down the door and run from it. Being familiar with, and even ok with, uncertainty can prove to be useful in any relationship involving another human being.

Take your time. Be open. Something good will present itself as a result, regardless of whether or not it goes anywhere with this particular guy.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to PrimitiveLogic)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 9:18:02 AM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: queensweetangel

Because of my past experience, I am having a hard time trusting a new potential Dom. We are communicating just as friends. He's keeping me at arm's length but at the same time I'm also supposed to learn to trust him. How do I learn to trust him when #1 we aren't seeing each other and #2 when he's keeping his distance like this. Am I completely crazy for having a hard time dealing with understanding the reasoning behind this?

Because of YOUR past issues, you are having a hard time trusting; yet you wonder why HE is keeping you at arms length?

I am confused here.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to queensweetangel)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Trust issues - 1/3/2007 9:29:41 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RobertCloud


Once you have had your trust devastated so deeply and as often as I have, building trust is very difficult. To give trust blindly is foolish, it must be earned. Too many trust blindly and are hurt.



I agree with what you state here sort of.
I too have trusted deeply and been hurt deeply because of it.
You can't fly in the sky unless you leave the safety of the ground first though.
The way I look at it is you can't hold something against someone else so to carry the baggage into your next relationship can't be healthy for you.
I still trust till you give me a reason not to, you don't have to buy trust with me.
You have to leave the fear of being hurt at the door and go in and try to be happy or just go home with it and live to lug the mistrust around another day.
One day someone will respect your trust enough not to crush your heart because you trusted them.
Do you really want to miss this person because you didn't take the chance and were waiting for them to buy trust with you?
Though it terrifies me to be open and vulnerable to someone new I'm developing a relationship with,  the alternative is to have a half assed guarded relationship that does not meet my needs.
I'm not saying trust blindly everyone, but you have to find the one who you're willing to open up to and then just do it.

To the OP - If you have fears this man is not handling things in ways you can accept in your life my advice is speak to him about how you feel or keep looking would be your only viable options.
suzanne

(in reply to RobertCloud)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Trust issues - 1/7/2007 3:37:35 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Arm's length certainly could mean many things.  I don't know why we expect people to spill their guts the first time we meet them.  TMI, as far as I am concerned.  I love discovering things about people as I get to know them.

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Trust issues - 1/7/2007 7:35:36 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I agree with justheather on this one.

It does not mean much to start with that he has you at arm's length. It takes time to get to know everyone, their past hurts and their fears. He may have them as well, and is being cautiously optimistic about you as well. Just because someone is called a "dominant" does not mean they do not possess their own baggage that they bring into the situation.

I would do as justheather suggests, be open and communicative with this potential dominant. People tend to mirror what they are around, and in my mind the best way to find out whether or not someone is hiding something, or being cautious is to present them an open face. It is very hard to be closed off to someone that insists on being themselves. If this is not the person for you, then someone else that IS open will be attracted by that energy.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Trust issues - 1/7/2007 10:35:14 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Tell him the truth, that there is no way you can learn to trust him while he's keeping you at arms length. Suggest you both slow down and learn to trust together at a pace you both feel comfortable with.

Whether he's lying by omission, afraid of emotional intimacy or just not yet over a bad relationship nobody here can tell but you have correctly identified a red flag. Me, I'd put the ball back in his court by stating the problem and waiting for him to find a fix.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Trust issues - 1/7/2007 11:45:49 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Because of my past experience,


Recognizing there is a pattern is the first and easiest step, realizing YOUR role in that pattern is much harder, dealing with and fixing your role is much much harder.

quote:

 I am having a hard time trusting a new potential Dom. 


You are not having a "hard time" you are either deep in your old pattern, trying to force yourself to trust someone despite lacking  real experience with him being really worthy of trust, or you are starting to break out of  your pattern and you are seeing things that are setting off warning bells that you are finally begining to hear.

quote:

We are communicating just as friends.
  What does this mean?  You are talking without having sex (good)? Or he hasn't expressed interest in anything other than being friends but you have hidden expectations (bad)?

quote:

 He's keeping me at arm's length but at the same time I'm also supposed to learn to trust him.


If you are just friends, what exactly are you "supposed" (is that his task or what you have placed on yourself?) to learn to trust him over? 

quote:

Am I completely crazy for having a hard time dealing with understanding the reasoning behind this?


Not only do I think you are not crazy, I think questioning this is a sure sign of sanity.

(in reply to queensweetangel)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Trust issues - 1/8/2007 11:45:06 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		First if you keep blaming the new guy in your life for the mistakes of those in your past you probably will never have a viable relationship. No one likes to pay for the sins of others. Some will be patient and try and work through some of your issues for a while but that gets tiresome for everyone after a while.

The whole basis of a relationship is trust and if you hold back then he will too.

Getting involved with anyone is a risk and only you can determine if the risk is worth the potential pain if it doesn't pan out.

Even when you think everything is going great you can get side slammed and broken hearted.

The gentleman you are talking to is probably trying to guard his own heart as well because he knows you are scared and doesn't want to get dumped and hurt so there for is also holding back.

I've learned you either have to take that step and hope for the best or you'll always be dissapointed. Yes there is always the chance that you'll be hurt but i'd rather keep trying then give up and whne about being alone.

just my 2 cents

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Trust issues - 1/8/2007 4:10:33 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: queensweetangel

Because of my past experience, I am having a hard time trusting a new potential Dom. We are communicating just as friends. He's keeping me at arm's length but at the same time I'm also supposed to learn to trust him. How do I learn to trust him when #1 we aren't seeing each other and #2 when he's keeping his distance like this. Am I completely crazy for having a hard time dealing with understanding the reasoning behind this?



I can understand what your feeling.
From this Dommes point of view...It can be hard to trust people.
Being Dom doesnt mean you dont have issues of some sort.
For Myself trust is a hard thing to give so I tend to keep new people at arms length until I know them.
I get to know people from chatting online,sometimes a phone call or two can be enough to make Me feel that they are trust worthy.

Certain questions are the best way to determine what kind of person someone is.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to queensweetangel)
Profile   Post #: 15
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