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NewlifeDawns -> RE: CALLING A MASOCHISTS (1/4/2007 2:55:47 AM)
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Seems to me being alone is part of the way it goes. After all, when we were originally imprinted into equating pain with pleasure, converting abuse into love, we were not in control - those who 'loved' us taught us how it goes. How can one recapture the quality of the 'imprinting', the quality of a trusting child in the hands of an adult who both uses and nurtures, loves and abuses us simultaneously - at a time when we had no criteria to know otherwise - this was the world, we knew nothing about normality or deviation - when our caretaker took pleasure in spanking us, we could only wonder at the sudden strength, at how the hand that fed us now slaps us, then fondles us, then leads us to kindergarden, then pinches, then caresses, then feeds - all in the same person. This was the world. This was where we learned not only how to love and be loved, but how to just be, who we are...
So, it gets lonely sometimes. Childhood is many years away. And the association with food is there too - the same person who gave us sweetness and love was the one who used our body for their pleasure. We long to recreate the original passion, to be used by a loving lover, to gently abuse a trusting lover - to find the place where there is no victim or victimizer, just a very special love bound up with that first imprinting, and within us, the internalized object of our primal attachment is what we truly are. So when time passes and we cannot recreate the glowing past with its thrills and fears, it pleasures and peaks - we settle for a bit of sticky sweetness, and remember that there is more to us than our passions, and yet, it's there. Its' certainly there.
My sympathies. May you one day find that special someone who will recreate the original passion with you, and liberate you to live out the other dimensions of your life.
NewlifeDawns
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Our Passions are the Basement. It's dark and there are potato sacks. But the edifice of our personality is built on it. So be gentle to your basement. Bring some light. Make some French fries.
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