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Getting Started - 1/3/2007 4:13:31 PM

DigitalNoise

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/28/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

So, I should first off mention I'm one of those people who like to know things beforehand, to avoid making themselves look like an idiot later down the road.

That said, I know there's alot about BDSM and this Lifestyle that's a learn-as-you-go proposition. I'm also aware (and in full agreement with) the "Safe, Sane, Consentual" motto that many in the community use.

Ok, now to the real question - I made an introductory post on the "Introduce Yourself" forum, but that's really not important. I am trying to find out where one really get's started - where they begin to learn about themselves and the type of person they are. I honestly think that I am set out to be a Dom - that said, I know that there is alot for me to learn.

Does one really need to get involved in their local community in order to learn properly? I mean, I wish the local college carried a BDSM 101 course, but they don't (isn't that a shame!). I'm asking, because, well, I'm an introverted, shy type person - and I don't really like large groups of people that I don't know very well - tends to make me uncomfortable. Are there any basic resources (online, printed, etc.) that can help one learn the basics of what this is all about? Or am I just looking at this wrong (I'm perfectly ok with looking at it the wrong way - set me straight).

Ok, so I know those don't sound like the qualities of a Dom - but I should mention that in my buisness profession, I'm anything but shy or introverted, and in the bedroom & personal life (with friends, family, etc.) I'm not either. It's just new people, places and particularly large crowds.

I appreciate the input...

Post #: 1

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 4:30:31 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I'd say that the one thing to remember is that not all munches are large boisterous affairs and some may be quite comfortable for you. At least drive by and see if it's something you can do.

Lots of people are introverted. I know that one of those people in particular, finds a chair in an area that is reasonably comfortable for him and spends the entire evening watching the people that attend. As he gets more comfortable with his surroundings, he steps out from that seat and begins to interact in a manner that's comfortable for him. That way, he keeps control of his environment, interacting on HIS terms.

No one needs to be a social butterfly to get involved.

juliet

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 2

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 4:49:58 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

There are lots of books and web sites that help you learn about the BDSM world and your particular preferences.
I'd start with Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns & Different Loving as good technical books to read. There's The Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, The Story of O and Exit to Eden for good fantasy heavy hot books to read and after that I'm sure you can find more to read from the sources you got those books from. Amazon.com has them for less than $20 each.
For web sites there's many, but two of my favorites are castlerealm.com and thefrugaldomme.com.
What I found though is in reading about things I thought some things were hot as hell, but in actuality they turned me off. An example was pony play. I saw it as being me and going through pulling, being ridden etc.. as me. When I went and saw it live most people into pony play go into the head space of being a real horse, well that to me personally is not hot. Some things just don't come through in books.
I went to a cane presentation thinking they were brutal and never would be used on me to only leave the class damp, trembling and sweaty. Again I was blindsided in what I though vs what real life experience is.
I'd say you should bite the bullet just like you do to work, shop etc.. to force yourself to say one munch a month. Meet a few like minded friends there and in time you'll be more comfortable as you know them better.
Read, do online, but remember it's all to get you ready for the real world and does not replace it.
Good luck,.
suzanne
PS>> Edited to add maybe try to go to a dinner munch in a restaaurant. You won't be required to talk much this way as you'll be eating. It's not half as hard to have a meal with a stranger than say having coffee.

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 1/3/2007 4:54:57 PM >

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 3

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 5:38:34 PM

DigitalNoise

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/28/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

I'd say that the one thing to remember is that not all munches are large boisterous affairs and some may be quite comfortable for you. At least drive by and see if it's something you can do.

Lots of people are introverted. I know that one of those people in particular, finds a chair in an area that is reasonably comfortable for him and spends the entire evening watching the people that attend. As he gets more comfortable with his surroundings, he steps out from that seat and begins to interact in a manner that's comfortable for him. That way, he keeps control of his environment, interacting on HIS terms.

No one needs to be a social butterfly to get involved.

juliet

Hmmm, interesting idea - perhaps I shall have to borrow that for the next one of these "munches" in my area. Someone local has invited me to one, and I'm considering going, it's just one of those things where I have to convince myself to go.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 4

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 5:45:14 PM

DigitalNoise

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/28/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

There are lots of books and web sites that help you learn about the BDSM world and your particular preferences.
I'd start with Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns & Different Loving as good technical books to read. There's The Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, The Story of O and Exit to Eden for good fantasy heavy hot books to read and after that I'm sure you can find more to read from the sources you got those books from. Amazon.com has them for less than $20 each.
For web sites there's many, but two of my favorites are castlerealm.com and thefrugaldomme.com.
What I found though is in reading about things I thought some things were hot as hell, but in actuality they turned me off. An example was pony play. I saw it as being me and going through pulling, being ridden etc.. as me. When I went and saw it live most people into pony play go into the head space of being a real horse, well that to me personally is not hot. Some things just don't come through in books.
I went to a cane presentation thinking they were brutal and never would be used on me to only leave the class damp, trembling and sweaty. Again I was blindsided in what I though vs what real life experience is.
I'd say you should bite the bullet just like you do to work, shop etc.. to force yourself to say one munch a month. Meet a few like minded friends there and in time you'll be more comfortable as you know them better.
Read, do online, but remember it's all to get you ready for the real world and does not replace it.
Good luck,.
suzanne
PS>> Edited to add maybe try to go to a dinner munch in a restaaurant. You won't be required to talk much this way as you'll be eating. It's not half as hard to have a meal with a stranger than say having coffee.

I guess the big deal for me is that I just have a really hard time introducing myself to other people in a casual setting - wheras when I'm at my job, and I need to talk to someone new, I have a purpose for doing so and therefore focus on that and get the mission accomplished. This...while the same approach could be technically applied to this type of activity, I feel that eventually it would leave it feeling sterile and unwelcoming still to myself personally.

I was always "that guy" - the one that everyone else went to talk to, not the one that came around and hung out with everyone. *shrug*

But, what you've both said makes perfect sense and I'll definitely take it under advisement. And I appreciate the resources you have pointed out - I knew about CastleRealm but not the other, and I will definitely investigate further.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 5

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 6:31:42 PM

TwoSpirits

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Hello friend,
In my area, the local group has a leader. Check to see if yours does too. Meet with him. Be honest and tell him about yourself. If he's like ours, he has had this issue before and will have some really good insight for you.
Also, watch the posts of others. If you see one that particularly impresses you, talk with them. Just remember though that what work for him may not work for everyone.
Ideally, just being yourself and socializing with some slaves and you may find a girl who has experience at serving who will just find you irresistable and let nature take its course.
Bosn

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 6

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 7:39:01 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You do not have to go to groups to learn what you need to learn to be a good person for a relationship.

You really won't learn much beyond theory and processing online however.

You're on a personals site, hopefully you can start dating people offline. This really is just another type of relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 7

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 7:42:20 PM

DigitalNoise

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/28/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

That was my initial thought Lucky, but everyone seemed (except for you) to disagree with me - so I'm at the WTF stage :D

I can see how being involved in the community would make sense to a degree - you might meet someone unattached from there, etc. - but for those of us who are quiet, reserved, and just not into groups, it's a difficult thing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 8:39:53 PM

Elegant

Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline

You do have quite a few options in the Nashville area and I encourage you to meet some of those folks.

I agree with julietsierra's suggestion. In fact, Master Archer was a wallflower when I first met him (although that's hard to believe now).

_____________________________

Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 9

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 8:49:30 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

i know this is on the "Ask a Master" forum but, i hope you won't mind this slave sharing her perspective with you.

Personally, i don't have any interest in attending munches or play parties or anything else of that nature. That's just me and i don't feel like i'm missing out on anything. i have only ever gone to one BDSM event and it was just a little meet & greet with a demo on "medical play" at an apartment in the MD suburbs of DC and, although it was kind of interesting, it just wasn't for me. The only reason i went was because the Dom i was with at the time wanted to go.

i don't feel like you have to attend events or be a part of some organized group, if that's not what you enjoy. None of the Doms i have ever been with went through any kind of training. They just got themselves a nice little flogger (or had me go get a switch off a tree) and started using it on me. Seeing my reaction to what they were doing told them that what they were doing was working fine.

Just follow your instinct. Be yourself and trust yourself. Be honest with yourself and the person you are interested in and let nature take it's course. If you feel you need to learn certain techniques to be safe and effective in your activities, there are plenty of resources available online, all you have to do is type in what interests you and you will get a ton of sites to go to. Mainly, though, just be yourself and your true nature will reveal itself and before you know it, things will fall into place. Just like anything else in life, the more you do it, the more comfortable and confident you will become at it.

Best Wishes for a Safe and Happy Journey,
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 10

RE: Getting Started - 1/3/2007 8:50:06 PM

DigitalNoise

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/28/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elegant

You do have quite a few options in the Nashville area and I encourage you to meet some of those folks.

The only one I've heard of (so far) is The Mark in Nashville, and their regular Munches and other activities - I've looked at their site and it seems ok, but I'm still slightly concerned - especially with it being so formal and such. But alas *shrug*

(in reply to Elegant)

Post #: 11

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 4:34:14 AM

Elegant

Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline

http://www.middletndungeonsociety.com/

http://www.nla-nashville.org

http://www.nashvilledungeon.com/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Middle_Tennessee_Leather

_____________________________

Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 12

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 7:23:38 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Anyone who says there is only one way to do something is not a person personally I would listen to and there is no such thing as a right way to do things in this life. Just your way, and finding someone who you are compatible with is the proper way for you.

Certainly you can read books and research things of the web (please get more then one source) on things about safety and use of the toys. Certainly for someone who is sane and will go slow and not jump to something severe the first time they have someone this is perfectly fine. I know I have had no problem having someone I cared for use my body as a learning tool/classroom.

With that being said though, I would still recommend making a decent effort in at least trying your local community. It is a valuable tool; it is nice to feel a part of something and is still your best chance at finding someone. Being shy is perfectly fine. It might take you many munches to start talking to people then that is fine. In the end people always reveal their true nature to people and shy would not be held against you. If after some time the local community is not for you then stop going. Personally I have issues with local communities and stopped going but certainly my time in them was well worthwhile and has lead to having several close friends I cherish.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Elegant)

Post #: 13

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 3:19:46 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

I'm with LA on this one.

A lot of folks (online and off) like to participate in oneups-manship. You see it in just about every field, from Tennis, to film, to stamp collecting. The more unsolicited credentials someone offers me, the more likely I am to disregard them and avoid them (in my personal relationships, obviously professional credentials have their place.) People who really know what they're talking about don't usually have to remind you.

Trust your instincts, be polite, and if it feels right (or wrong) it probably is. Oh, and there's a stack of books on the subject, raid your library or amazon.com.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 14

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 3:36:01 PM

BDSM05478

Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

http://bestslavetraining.com/Welcome.htm

http://www.bdsmcafe.com/contents.html

http://www.cuffs.com/

The best advice I can give you is this: always hit yourself before you hit someone else. Meaning if you have never used a crop on some one, hit yourself testing out different strokes and strenghs. Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 15

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 3:39:54 PM

sleazy

Posts: 781
Joined: 11/23/2006
From: UK
Status: offline

I sympathise with you a great deal Digital.

In the past my relationships have either "just happened" or started on-line. Add on the fact I am socially inept, very introverted round people I do not know well, and just hate crowds and meeting new people in general, and a munch often seems like my idea of an evening from hell. Sometimes I really want to shout at all those who simply say "go to a munch, get involved with a local group" without realising for some of us that could well be one of the most stressful things we ever try to do. If it wasnt for the fact that I want to try socialise for more than just trying to find a partner I would never have made the choice to go to some myself, I am shortly to bite the bullet and attend a couple, one far from home with a friend, and one more locally on my own.

_____________________________

Opinion is packaged by weight not volume, contents may settle during transit. Consult you medical practitioner. Do not attempt to stop moving parts by hand. Ensure all safety shields in place. Open this way up. Do not expose to temperatures exceeding 50C

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 16

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 3:54:57 PM

cjenny

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

I've come to realise that I am not a MUNCH person. I finally went to my first one and it was a serious effort to utter more than ten words the entire night. If a person is shy and uncomfortable around strangers there are other ways as mentioned. Thankfully!
It wasn't that folks were not friendly but I was totally out of my comfort zone and unable to relax.

Hmmm maybe I've lived way out yonder too long? *s*

~stamped uhhuh IMO

(in reply to sleazy)

Post #: 17

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 3:58:59 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

You know, you may not be as socially inept as you think. Most people find it difficult to meet new people, they just hide it better, that's all.

(in reply to sleazy)

Post #: 18

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 4:16:00 PM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DigitalNoise

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elegant

You do have quite a few options in the Nashville area and I encourage you to meet some of those folks.

The only one I've heard of (so far) is The Mark in Nashville, and their regular Munches and other activities - I've looked at their site and it seems ok, but I'm still slightly concerned - especially with it being so formal and such. But alas *shrug*

Check out the group websites. In my area for example, many are inactive or no longer exist but the website is still there. No big deal. Of the groups that ARE active, check out when they meet, what they do. i am very shy but the way i worked around that was to tell myself i am going there to observe and learn and NOT to meet people but if i happen to meet people, icing on the cake. When you make your learning experience the focus and not the social aspect it's easier for us painfully shy people to attend and attend alone.

The groups in my area only meet on week-day evenings when my work schedule won't allow me to attend but they do hold demonstrations and other events during the year that has been very helpful in allowing me to see what other people do, how they interact with each other and so on. Finding someone to help me experience things for myself has been even more difficult but not impossible. i remind myself that it's a journey not a jog around the block. i hope this helps.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 19

RE: Getting Started - 1/4/2007 4:40:43 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear DigitalNoise, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eyes I see, that those who are extremely shy or those who have public anxiety, may join a BDSM support and education group, which often has a forum where you can ask questions and explore.

I highly recommend asking their Board of Directors and or leaders of that BDSM support and education group, as to who might be willing to meet you more in a one-on-one basis at a neutral location, such as a diner or some place like Denny's; as to talk and ask questions candidly.

I would ask about and I wouldn't just question male dominants only. The community is rich with information, knowledge and experience; which isn't exclusively to men or dominants but, slaves, submissives, bottoms, women, Female Dominants, Switches (the people sort) and really soak up all you can.

Another potential avenue to personal growth, is attending an academy that is more like a quiet weekend that works with 10 total/maximum students at any one time and learn if you have the makings of being a Dominant, a SIR, a Master. It is my belief by location alone, Master Taino's Training Academy may be the closest. There is also another academy that is in the mid-West. APEX and or Butchmann's is in my mind's eyes in that regard.

If you can find the strength--please do consider attending conferences. They can be more intense exposure to many leaders, teachers, educators and mentors in one location. You can listen, ask questions and network there. You can find that each presenter can look at the same thing differently. At times more than three ways to look at the same thing. Some individuals in the audience are a gold mine filled with knowledge and skills. You will find that everybody started from where you are starting from now but, some didn't have the Internet, access to support and education groups, networking and so many public venues and opportunities.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to DigitalNoise)

Post #: 20

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