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How to court an online mistress - 1/3/2007 9:05:51 PM

subryan

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline

I'm probably looking for something that doesn't exist in the first place, but am hoping to find a loving and dominant woman to take the lead in our relationship. I have no trouble finding women in the vanilla world, but I need something more powerful and have come to collarme to find her.

The trouble is that I'm not sure of the protocol. Each woman receives a lot of email each day, I'm sure. And I don't want to just be another drop in the bucket.

What should I avoid doing? I already know the obvious - I'm not an idiot who would send an unbidden picture of my penis. I don't babble on about what I want. I try to stay concise. I don't use one letter to write "you."

I can't bring myself to post a picture and I don't feel entirely comfortable sending one without knowing the woman. How much of a problem will this be? I understand the need to know if the man is attractive, but I fear that a lot of the "dominant women" on here are actually men. And I'm just not interested in submitting to a man. I'm looking for a female-led-relationship.

Finally, are there any rules of decorum that I don't know about emailing? For instance, is it frowned upon to write to a couple of women in the same day? Or should I write at all - or let the woman find me? Just because I'm looking for a female-led-relationship, does that mean I'm also looking for a female-led-courtship?

Thank you for your opinions - and if you know any women in the DC Metro area who might be interested in a shy but incredibly handsome man, please point them my way.

ryan

Post #: 1

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/3/2007 9:15:03 PM

LadyLupineNYC

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

Every Mistress is diffrent, but I know for me I am looking for a few things...
-a photo is important to me; I post my out in the open so the least someone can do is provide me one in the email
-no novels about your 'ideal; scene
-I find it hard to take someone serious when the write to me about 24/7 right off the bat...or, even worse, 'no-limits' do-anything-you-want...
-listing 'punishment' which are really what you want most

I could go on, but I am sure other Mistresses will add...

The most imporant thing you can do is to be honest and wary...the right mix of the two should serve you well...

(in reply to subryan)

Post #: 2

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/3/2007 9:24:40 PM

subryan

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for replying so quickly.

And I know each Mistress is different. I suppose I'm just looking for a sampling so I don't step on any toes.

I generally start off by trying to focus on the vanilla interests mentioned in the profile. I find that, because I'm interested in so many things, we often have a lot in common. I've been trying not to talk about sex really at all unless I hear back from the woman - I don't want to jump the gun. But I'm not hearing back. So I suspect I'm doing something wrong.

I'm looking forward to reading this thread and getting a better feel for what is necessary. Also - is there a place on the profile that I'm missing where it shows what ages the woman is looking for? If not, there should be. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

Thanks again for responding.
ryan

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

Post #: 3

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/3/2007 9:42:54 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

Unfortunately, some people who claim to be Dommes (or submissives, or slaves, or blue-toed rhinos *snicker*) don't really deserve the title. People are rude no matter where you go, so if you aren't getting replies, and you are reading the profiles and writing well thought out messages, then write them off as either too busy or too rude to give you any time anyway and move on.

Not having a picture will hurt your chances with some - especially those like Holly and me, Lupine and others who have their pictures up. However, if you aren't comfortable with it, then that is the comfort zone that you have to maintain - some of us will overlook it as long as you show yourself to be worthy of us making an exception. We do require pictures relatively soon in communication, though, so be prepaired for that ... we get a lot of people claiming to be something other than what they really are, and it's nice to have a face to go with a name (even if it could be a picture of Joe Smoe from Anytown, USA).

Mostly just be yourself and keep trying - it took us years to find our first boy, and it's been years that we have been looking for a second.

The person who originally posted this has vanished into the mists, but it's still appropriate to keep in mind (paraphrased because I can't find the original anymore *sniffle*):

When you are looking for a car - any car, it's easy
When you are looking for a chevy, it narrows the field a bit
When you want a blue chevy, it gets a little harder
When you want a blue chevy 4-door, it gets a bit harder
When you want a navy blue chevy 4-door with 6 cd changer, fewer than 50k miles on it, leather seats with warmers, and all the other bells and whistles, then it gets really damn hard to find what you are looking for.

Same with a partner - if you want one, any one, it's easy
When you throw in all the things that you are looking for, be it vanilla interests, kinks, backgrounds, whatever, it gets harder and harder.

Be patient, you'll find what you are looking for.

(in reply to subryan)

Post #: 4

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/3/2007 9:52:33 PM

subryan

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline

That makes a lot of sense. Especially the part about being patient. I've just been looking for this woman for so long and have such high hopes for collarme, that every second is an eternity.

I would consider posting a picture of someone that looks a lot like me but isn't me. But then I decided that would be a problem. I want to be completely honest. So I'll keep hoping that the girl of my dreams is willing to overlook a little professionally-based cowardice.

ryan (and I promise to stop responding to every post - if only b/c I'm going to bed and there is a 0% chance of me checking this site from work)

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 5

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/3/2007 9:56:16 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

Pardon me for laughing, but ...

You are the same age as me, so you can't have been looking for that much longer - and our boy is 10 years older and has been looking since he was in his early 20s ... he found us 3 years ago. You will find many people who have been looking much longer and are still looking ... just remember, patience.

_____________________________

Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to subryan)

Post #: 6

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 6:08:43 AM

belljar

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline

Well, first of all, READ her profile. Really read it. and if she asks for a photo....send one right away. To be honest, the guys on here that I have actually responsded to did the following:

1. The mail was somewhere between a novel and two sentences.
2. The picture they included wasn't just one picture, was more than one, and included a candid of them that was interesting/silly/corny, whatever, gave me a peek at the real person behind the kinks.
3. I knew they read my profile, rather than just looked at my first picture or two.
4. It was obviously not a "form letter"....which I get alot of. Don't bother.
5. And I know some have said that "hey if I don't reply, it likely means I won't ever", which can be true...but if your second mail (if you really dig her) is different from your first, maybe contains an extra photo, something else in there witty and intelligent....it'll say "I'm really interested in YOU, not just the idea of you".

If you want specific examples, mail me. I'll show you.
But of my 12 pages of emails on here that I've gotten since I did a new profile not too long ago, I responded to only 20%, and only about 4 guys did I take the conversation off of Collarme. So yeah. You just have to hit the one Domme to whom your pictures and emails click.

(in reply to subryan)

Post #: 7

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 7:42:09 AM

demistress

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline

First, I don't consider myself an online mistress, but here are my reactions to some of your questions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subryan
... I can't bring myself to post a picture and I don't feel entirely comfortable sending one without knowing the woman. How much of a problem will this be? I understand the need to know if the man is attractive, but I fear that a lot of the "dominant women" on here are actually men..

Get over it, plus if one reads your profile, it becomes clear that this is not really your concern, your concern is people in your real life realizing you are kinky. Post a pic with your face blurred out, or identifying marks covered/cut out, whatever, but get a pic, and one of you. If you posted a pic of someone who wasn't you, that's totally messed up, and I would consider it a form of lying.

quote:

Finally, are there any rules of decorum that I don't know about emailing? For instance, is it frowned upon to write to a couple of women in the same day? Or should I write at all - or let the woman find me? Just because I'm looking for a female-led-relationship, does that mean I'm also looking for a female-led-courtship?

I consider it rude if you're attempting to establish a relationship with me and several others at the same time. If I'm being gracious enough to bestow my attention on you, then I expect you to stay the course until I either accept or dismiss you. I do not think waiting for the woman to find you is a great plan, I know that I only get around to browsing profiles once every 3 or 4 months, and even then I get very bored very quickly. I would suggest that waiting for ME to initiate contact, let alone courtship would be a very bad plan, because it would never happen. Also while I will dictate the pace and style of courtship, I expect any and all subbies I take under consideration to be eagre and enthusiastic in their desire to serve and be of service.

_____________________________

Mistress Heather
www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

(in reply to subryan)

Post #: 8

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 7:53:31 AM

Lorelei115

Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subryan

I'm probably looking for something that doesn't exist in the first place, but am hoping to find a loving and dominant woman to take the lead in our relationship.

Well, I'd say the first thing you need to do is rid yourself of this negativity. The best way to make a loving and dominant woman shy away from you is to tell her that you don't think she really exisists. A Domme that might otherwise have been seriously interested could see a line like that as part of the usual negativity that tends to be reflected onto female dominants. ie- Women can't really be dominant, the Dommes here are all fakes, you're all just looking for money, so on and so forth.

Just my thought.

_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to subryan)

Post #: 9

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 9:12:58 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Ryan,

There are several threads that address this topic. You might try doing some searches, the advice there is usually pretty good.

If I were a male sub looking for a female dominant here on collarme, I'd probably stick to the forums here. A couple weeks of posting gives you a chance to see what some of the ladies are like, and gives them a chance to see that you're sincere. Then, an introductory letter won't simply be a 'Hell, I am a XXXX looking for XXXXX please read my profile and XXXX.' You'll possibly have already exchanged ideas, and at least be able to comment on something more profound than 'you have lovely photos, and we both seem to enjoy 80s music, lets chat.'

Oh, and patience. It can take several months for a submissive male to encounter a dominant female in any venue - online or off.

Finally, confidence. Chicks dig guys with confidence. Guys dig chicks with confidence, for that matter. Chicks dig other chicks with confidence. Guys dig... well, you get the point. Seriously, the biggest stumbling block I've ever seen (and dealt with myself) was someone with poor self-esteem miserable because they have terrible luck with relationships. It's one of the most destructive self-fulfilling prophecies on earth.

Good luck,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to subryan)

Post #: 10

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 10:57:42 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Pardon me for laughing, but ...

You are the same age as me, so you can't have been looking for that much longer - and our boy is 10 years older and has been looking since he was in his early 20s ... he found us 3 years ago. You will find many people who have been looking much longer and are still looking ... just remember, patience.

And Slave found me at his tender age of 53 :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 11

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 11:07:21 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Courting an online Mistress is easy.. e-mail her your credit card numbers

((grins))

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 12

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 11:12:59 AM

all4yourplsr

Posts: 156
Joined: 4/5/2005
Status: offline

How about how a Domme approached a sub here? I had a supposed Domme e-mail me with "when can we meet?" as her introductory e-mail! Yes, I want a Domme but come on now!!

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 13

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/4/2007 9:45:52 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

And Slave found me at his tender age of 53 :)

Oh, I know a lot who didn't find it until 40, 50, 60 ... and some who are 65+ and still haven't found it ... but of course, (to the OP) if you give up, you won't ever find it. Now, that's not to say that they didn't have any success at all ... just didn't manage to grasp that elusive (no matter what flavor your kink is) long term, lasting, loving relationship.

We just had a setback in our search for a second boy - we were only talking, working on friendship first and seeing where it would go ... I thought things were going rather well until he expressed a hard limit that is absolutely incompatable with our plans and goals for the future. All other things we seemed to be VERY compatable in, but that one, seemingly little thing ... and it means that we will never go beyond friendship with him. I'm not entirely disappointed, as I enjoy talking with him greatly so at least we are still friends - but it would have been nice to be done looking.

_____________________________

Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 14

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/5/2007 2:41:19 PM

subryan

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline

Thank you all for your answers. I didn't mean to imply that I would give up and I know patience is key.

I will take your suggestions to heart. I'll find a photo I can post online that at least partially conceals my identity. But it'll be better than nothing.

Thanks again.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 15

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/10/2007 10:37:41 AM

subsidize

Posts: 85
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline

on line relationships are for wannabes and players...real people attend play parties and interact with real people...

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

Post #: 16

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/10/2007 11:22:35 AM

EnglishPortia

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I put a lot of effort into my profile. So I like prospective submissives to actually read it, digest it, and consider if I am the kind of Mistress they can jive with. I therefore expect them to mention it when they contact me. I expect them to tell me something about themselves and to sell themselves to me. I mean I get approximately 20 emails a day from prospective submissives. I reply to every email I get, because its good manners. Often this will be thanks but no thanks.

Actually a lot of the time I prefer contacting prospective submissives myself, and it's how I got talking to my current prospective submissive (who in a most unDommely way I'm most excited about meeting!) shh... don't tell the twu Dominant P/police!

(in reply to subsidize)

Post #: 17

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/10/2007 3:50:08 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Courting an online Mistress is easy.. e-mail her your credit card numbers

((grins))

Magik's slave

ROFLMAO, okay coming up for air..... don't forget the expiration date and that CSV number on the back.....

Mistress Psy

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 18

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/12/2007 3:06:53 AM

MadameMonique

Posts: 35
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Fast reply.

Yes all of the above. Maybe check out here:

http://www.downonmyknees.com/archives/bdsm_ds_sm_speculations/how_to_woo_a_domme_online.php

Or:

http://www.femdomdating.com/

For suggestions too.

(in reply to PsyVamp)

Post #: 19

RE: How to court an online mistress - 1/12/2007 6:24:41 PM

Firsttime

Posts: 29
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Well, first of all, READ her profile. Really read it. and if she asks for a photo....send one right away. To be honest, the guys on here that I have actually responsded to did the following:

1. The mail was somewhere between a novel and two sentences.
2. The picture they included wasn't just one picture, was more than one, and included a candid of them that was interesting/silly/corny, whatever, gave me a peek at the real person behind the kinks.
3. I knew they read my profile, rather than just looked at my first picture or two.
4. It was obviously not a "form letter"....which I get alot of. Don't bother.
5. And I know some have said that "hey if I don't reply, it likely means I won't ever", which can be true...but if your second mail (if you really dig her) is different from your first, maybe contains an extra photo, something else in there witty and intelligent....it'll say "I'm really interested in YOU, not just the idea of you".

If you want specific examples, mail me. I'll show you.
But of my 12 pages of emails on here that I've gotten since I did a new profile not too long ago, I responded to only 20%, and only about 4 guys did I take the conversation off of Collarme. So yeah. You just have to hit the one Domme to whom your pictures and emails click.

I agree with belljar. I want to know more about the person writing to me than just their kinks. In my profile I say if you send me a photo of you I will reply in kind. Maybe you could try that and see how it goes. Oh, and personally I personally love long novel like messages about everything from kink to hobbies.

(in reply to belljar)

Post #: 20

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