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When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 12:51:58 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		I hate with a passion LDR's. I am very upfront with it when discussing with a new potential dom. Most of the time I wont even consider someone who isnt close enough to meet within at the very latest a couple weeks.  But then someone came into my life who made me willing to see what the possibilities were.

He has the qualities I am looking for in a Master and even the things we may not agree on, we can at least discuss and respect each others viewpoints. We talk, we discuss, we make plans. We are talking another month, most likely even less than that to get a first meeting. This is reasonable considering the distance and yet..I am driving him crazy because I have no faith in the relationship that we will actually get to the meet stage. Its all baggage from the past. I know this..I am not a stupid woman..and yet...I still react to my need to see him..to know he is truly real and not just a voice on the phone or words on a screen. He is trying so hard to be patient and to reassure me but I almost resent this from him. It almost seems "undomly" if that makes sense.

I think if I can get past the first meeting, then I can calm down. The waiting for the next meeting wont be so difficult because at least I will KNOW he is really wanting to be with me as we plan our future.  I almost find this ironic posting this to the boards because I am usually so easy about giving advice to others about the same issues..but I cant see the answer for myself.

So...LA..give me your "no BS" answer to keep busy and my mind occupied. Everyone else..tell me how silly I am being...Tell me whatever its going to take to stop making him insane and possibly making him want to back away from me because I really am not as irrational as I know I have sounded this last week or so.

And if I forget to say it....Thanks!

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 1:06:08 PM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Sorry hon, but I agree with you and don't think you're crazy.
When I dated on the internet I too did not put any faith or stock in any person I talked to till we met face to face.
It's like listening to a tape vs sitting and talking with someone to me.
I think you're wise to not blindly trust someone on the web even if you've written for a year.
Till they stand before you it's all fantasy to me.
If they are not ready for face to face I'm not ready to trust.
suzanne

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 1:09:44 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I swore after being a Navy wife for almost a decade, I'd never do another LDR. I now find myself in the position where my girl is 2000 miles away. As for my personal life, I don't have a lover, or potential lover right now, who's closer than 2 hours. And, ya know what? It doesn't bother me. I'm alone, but not lonely, for the most part. I've been alone a LOT in my life...and that't s ok.

As for you, look at why you hate LDRs so much. What are the reasons? Then look at why you have those reasons. In the end, it'll come down to fears that you can then address. It's hard, but it can be done.

It will work or it won't. If you don't do it, will you regret not trying? If you do do it and get hurt, you don't have the right to complain about it 'cause you went into it knowing that was the risk. But, what if you do it and it DOES work? Fear of success can be just as real as fear of failure.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 1:26:42 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

As for you, look at why you hate LDRs so much. What are the reasons? Then look at why you have those reasons. In the end, it'll come down to fears that you can then address. It's hard, but it can be done.



This is quite simple. Over the last year and a half of searching (with a brief time out for a local poly relationship that did not work out) I have been involved in 2 LDRs with doms in Florida. Both were very intensive and there was alot of plans made before hand. One even had me talking to a realtor looking at houses that he picked out over the internet because he was looking to relocate here to Texas.  (They were both relocating to Texas which is the only reason I considered them at the time).

One dom, I found out a week before the meeting that he was still doing initial contacts with other subs in the area (after telling me for 4 months that I was the one he wanted to be with) and the other changed phone numbers and didnt answer emails after a little over 2 months.  I was emotionally drained by both encounters and took a 7 month break from seriously searching for anyone online.

The reasons why are easy to discern and I HAVE explained this to him. I guess to his credit he has some of the same fears about me as well.. I dont want to lose him..nor do I wish to have a severe ass beating (said very tongue in cheek) waiting for me on our first meeting...

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 2:02:37 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Red

I know exactly how you feel. Sir is 7 hours away. We managed to meet with in 4 weeks after we started talking on here, which with our schedules is pretty amazing.

You are right, it is a little easier after you've met and made a personal connection, but don't think that will automatically relieve all your fears. 4 months into our relationship, I had a major flip out / break down. I didn't hear from him for a couple days when I had expected to and all my fears and insecurities came flooding to the surface. Being exhausted and sick didn't help but that's not an excuse. All I can say is thank god he just asked me what the hell was going on and then made me think about where my reaction was coming from. It had nothing to do with him but all to do with the baggage of past experiences.

Now, when i don't hear from him for a few days ( he works in the bush and is out of reach at times) I just remember that He promised to be honest with me. That I know he'd never ignore me just to be hurtful, and that if I keep continue to blame him for the short comings of others, I'll probably chase him away.

I'm not saying there aren't still moments that my fears raise their ugly head, but i remind myself that i love Him and trust him and the best i can do is believe that he has my best interests at heart. I might still get played the fool, but i'm willing to take that chance.

Our insecurities are horrible little monsters and they will take over if we let them.  We need to decide whether the risk that goes into being in any relationship let alone a LDR is worth the moments of having to fight down the times when they try to take over.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 2:04:51 PM   
sleazy


Posts: 781
Joined: 11/23/2006
From: UK
Status: offline 		LDRs can work, if both parties are willing to make the sacrifices and above all trust each other enough. Mine survived the width of the atlantic for far longer than I realistically expected.

I would be tempted to argue that your previous problems with LDRs are not just about the distance, as both sets of circumstances could happen across town as easily as across a state or country. My main problem getting involved long distance is purely about being physical, in my cranky old age I like the idea of being able to share time physically together even where the contact is not actually sexual.

I say if you both think you can both deal with the problems that time and distance often create, then there is little harm in trying. Sure it will hurt if it dont work out, but there is always the chance it could work out. It is for the pair of you to wiegh up the potential risks against the potential payoffs.

_____________________________

Opinion is packaged by weight not volume, contents may settle during transit. Consult you medical practitioner. Do not attempt to stop moving parts by hand. Ensure all safety shields in place. Open this way up. Do not expose to temperatures exceeding 50C

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 2:11:22 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		LDRs are very hard.  But like MFM, I'm in one too and I am alone but not lonely.  Don't be too trusting, but don't let your fears screw everything up either.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 2:15:49 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not LA, but I'll add my two cents worth anyway, since I've been in your shoes several times before, and have the exact same feelings and reactions as you are experiencing right now.  It's perfectly normal to feel frightened and keep the defenses up to avoid being hurt again.  But you are right to be afraid of scaring away what could be a wonderful relationship by your reactions.

So, I think the best thing is to find a way to vent your frustrations somewhere other than directly on him.  Maybe write a long emotional email that gets all your feelings down on paper (or screen), but don't actually send it.  Maybe you can tell yourself that, if the relationship is going to end, it's going to end anyway, whether you fret about it or not.  And, if it DOES end, since you're going into it fully armed emotionally (since you've been there before), since at this point, it's only an online relationship, is the world around you going to really change that much, other than "just " having another disappointment?  But the world kept turning the last time, and it will continue to turn again.  Logically, someone new came along after the others and logically, someone new will come along again. 

Basically, I psych myself out mentally, try to get through one day at a time, and each day is one day closer to actually meeting.  For what any of this may be worth, I hope it helps a little 

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 2:16:22 PM   
notsurebutsweet


Posts: 36
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline 		Master and me are about 1000 miles apart give or take and we have yet to meet. i was looking at airfares to try to get Him here for Valentines day. He would rather wait until the end of the month to save a little extra for when He is here. i do understand that because i have bills and rent to pay myself.

on a good note though i am going back to school. Master gave me that slight kick in the ass to go for it.

(in reply to sleazy)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 3:15:50 PM   
Hissltviolet


Posts: 44
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline 		...reading through this thread has certainly bolster this slave courage...<smiles>...
having just entered into...yet another LDR (why is it that all the 'good' Ones are a million miles away?)...
 
...this girl swore...after that 'last' let down that she was DONE!!!...that this was just too hard and too painful but then she just had to peek into her COLLARME mailbox...one more time...and...sure enough...there He was...
 
...and here she goes again...on that rollor coaster ride...why???...because the 'risk' is worth the 'risk'...there is way too much to lose and a whole lot more to gain...so
...she tries to keep her 'baggage' to herself...though not doing a very good job if it <giggles>...panicing every time Master is 'missing'...but working very hard to build that 'link' of trust that has to be the foundation of any relationship...
 
...time will tell if she has been 'fooled' again...but 'something' tells her this IS the "One"...

_____________________________

ETERNALLY/INFERNALLY
Lord Bear's violet
(SLRN) 876-742-285
~**~
please, visit Yahoo 360
and
http://www.freewebs.com/fabricconcepts/

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 4:00:51 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Do not look a gift horse in the mouth, It's not undomly to reassure your potential one. I'd see it as far worse if he refused to be reassuring.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

He is trying so hard to be patient and to reassure me but I almost resent this from him. It almost seems "undomly" if that makes sense.


(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 4:30:31 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Long distance relationships have an inherent uncertainty to them because of the distance.  The security derived from physical touch or just being in the presence of the person you are in a relationship with is difficult to achieve.  I know that for the first 7 - 8 months of my relationship with my Lord this uncertainty made me doubt that there was an actual relationship between us and that it wasn't just a game and a way for him to get his rocks off.  The lack of physical touch and presence still brings up issues even after dealing with it for over two years now.

My Lord and I both had to make extra efforts to communicate, find ways to spend time together, find ways to connect with each other despite the distance.  It was not easy and took a lot of work.  We had to think outside of the box and make the time to spend with each other.  When I weigh a few years of work before I am able to move against a life-time together it is all worth it.  That he is willing to give you consistent reassurance is a good thing, but eventually you will have to learn to give that to yourself.  I also would not bet on it all being magically easier after the first visit either.  It will get easier over time but it will take consistent work from both of you. 

LDRs are not easy and I hope that it works out for you.  This will most likely be the last year that my relationship is a long distant one and I am looking forward to the day that he comes to drive me home.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 4:59:03 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I have to say i agree with Master Fire  Nother ventured nothing gained.  If you don't meet you will always regret it.  I have never been in an LDR  my Master lives 2 towns away.  I wish you all the best and good luck.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 5:10:20 PM   
innatedesire


Posts: 111
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		LDR's are never easy, they require a lot of inner strength from both people, i am sure it is just as difficult for him as it is for you.

i agree with others keep yourself busy, and focus on other other things as well; i know easier said than done but focus on the positive and remember that he is not them. When you finally do meet just think of how wonderful it will be to not have to feel the akwardness of meeting someone you don't know well, you have had the opportunity to spend all this time before hand to get to know eachother so it will be more comfortable.

i certainly feel your pain as i am in the same boat and it has been frustrating for both of us; he has been wonderful at letting me know what is going on with him (workwise as that is what is preventing us from meeting) and has gone above and beyond in his reassurance; i  find his thoughfulness and understanding to be kind and thoughful.

i keep the mindset that even if he flaked out, changed his mind, was abducted by aliens etc....i still learned a lot about myself in the process and still got to know someone who is a wonderful person and for what ever reason it did not work out. Better to have loved and lost than to not loved at all, no matter how fleeting it may be.
Yeah i know the hopeless romantic masochist.........but i try to see the good in everything.

Hang in there.........remember its not forever!! At some point you will have all your answers.


(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/5/2007 5:24:46 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I guess what I do is try to focus on what is and try not to focus on what might or might not happen. Make the most of what you do have and don't worry about what you don't have.  And, yeah, a while ago I ended a long distance thing, and swore I'd never do THAT again, but then, I decided, eh, why not be flexible.  :)

As for the inherant insecurity of an ldr, I'm not sure other kinds of relationships are anymore secure.  My ex and I had been married and living together 11 years when one day I woke up, and poof, it was over, just like that.  I really don't think one's more fragile than the other.






(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/6/2007 1:53:12 PM   
belljar


Posts: 29
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline 		I feel that I am being "undommely" because -I- am the one who has the LDR insecurities. If my sub has them, he's not voicing them. I know he's in love with me, as I am with him. He's not one of those "I can get any woman I want" sort of men, far from it, but he is good looking, can be charming, and is a big flirt. The most he has voiced is jealousy in hearing me talk about a coworker flirting with me, afraid that I'll have a quick fling with this person. When I voice my frustration over not being able to see him, he then admits he feels it too, but it seems he's more realistic, while I'm being the emotional one.
To which I start thinking...."WTH am I doing being the Domme?" which is then answered the next time I hear him call me "Mistress", lol
But I do have strong feelings for him. His work schedule is crazy, he can work sometimes 60 hours a week, he only has every other weekend off, and due to work, holidays, family stuff we havent seen each other since the beginning of November, and he's only 5 hours away. We have plans set for next weekend, but I'm feeling so insecure and paranoid that something else is going to happen again, and ruin it. Or that the reason he's not making a bigger effort is because he's lying to me and has someone else, when we agreed in the beginning that he wouldn't.
*sigh*
I feel like such a putz sometimes next to the more experienced, secure, confident Dommes on these boards.

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/6/2007 2:48:28 PM   
asubmissiveheart


Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		If he only lives 5 hours away and can't make time for you in 2 months, I understand why
you would be paranoid.  I would ask for more time together, or look for someone else.
Why are you settling for that if you want more?

(in reply to belljar)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/6/2007 3:06:26 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: asubmissiveheart

If he only lives 5 hours away and can't make time for you in 2 months, I understand why
you would be paranoid.  I would ask for more time together, or look for someone else.
Why are you settling for that if you want more?


It has taken a couple of months sometimes between my Daddy and I spending time together. We originally lived 5 1/2 hours from each other, and less now. We both have lives, and in order to make the travel worth it, we want to spend at least two days with each other. He was actively working two jobs at one point, relocating closer to those jobs, and catching up on expenses. People have logical reasons why they cannot drop everything for a a round trip of over 10 hours.

It took me two months to meet my Daddy from the first email, and we talked with increasing intimacy up until the day we met, but those two months were not "exclusive", and I think that is a trap personally, and not one I would be willing to fall into again (been there, done that)

To the OP, this too shall come to an end, 2 months is really not that long in the big scheme of things, and if it is was worth the wait, it will just seem like a blink of an eye once you are in his arms.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to asubmissiveheart)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/6/2007 3:17:43 PM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		i hate LDRs with a passion because i always end up feeling stupid.  i swear i will never allow myself to get excited about a Dom who lives further away than 3 hour, then i get really excited about the wonderful guy who is just everything i've been looking for, the emails are great, the phone calls even better and guess what.... the emails and IMs stop, the phone calls get further and further apart and then they fade to not at all.  But then after i retreat and massage my ego a bit, i end up falling for it again.... and again... and again.

i don't know what the trick is... i hear of people making it work and i end up thinking there is something flawed about me that i have never in my life actually met anyone in person who lived more than 3 hours away. 

i would be interested to know how it works.  i really think for the right people it can but i can fully understand your apprehension. 


_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: When doubts start hitting - 1/6/2007 4:18:15 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		yes..well..so far this IS helping so I thank everyone for their input.

Being LDR is meant for us to be a short term temporary situation so you would think I could allow myself some patience in all of this. However, I still cant get past this overwhelming desire to just steal a car and drive the twelve hours to go see Him...

but then again..I am usually pretty upfront about being the impatient sort LOL...I told Him I had this post up..He also thanks you for the input as I have calmed down greatly since He spoke to me yesterday

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 20
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