Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (Full Version)

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crouchingtigress -> Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 11:39:05 AM)

To me a mentor is a friend or an associate, who you can ask questions of, someone who is living the type a life you want for yourself, some one who's values you admire and who you can communicate easily and honestly with.
 
thats all.
 
so why all the hostillity?
 
 



Fitznicely -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 11:42:47 AM)

Doubt there's any hostility towards *genuine* people who could be called mentors.

I dunno. I wonder if it's a bit like something I heard about wisdom once: it's not something you claim for yourself, but a label other people give you.



Celeste43 -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 11:43:23 AM)

Because all too often a socalled mentor is a dom without a sub who doesn't want the female in question for a relationship, but just as an excuse to have sex with her until he finds someone better.

What it ought to be is what you describe, a more knowledgable friend.



MstrssPassion -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 11:50:26 AM)

because many who use the term mentor are not mentors





crouchingtigress -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 11:52:52 AM)

thank you for your input celeste....i have heard that example before, for me it was like the mythical doormat....in that i have never met one....folks i might think of as a doormat actually tended to be pretty self aware and know what they were signing up for and what they were getting in return.
 
i cant help but think that the newbies also are self aware and not powerless in the decision to have sex with out commitments...i mean sure they are new to us, but they are not new to life....but maybe i am off...
 



dawntreader -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 11:56:46 AM)

i have had several good mentors...Doms and subs alike, all from collarme, both on line and real/time. The only thing i would caution about is putting anyone on a pedistel...because they are human, they will fall eventually.



dawntreader -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 12:01:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress


i cant help but think that the newbies also are self aware and not powerless in the decision to have sex with out commitments...i mean sure they are new to us, but they are not new to life....but maybe i am off...
 


The mistake i made was forgetting about my life experiences and not applying them to this realm when i began exploring it. If i was bold enough to give any advice to someone newer than myself, it would be to remember who you are, where you came from, and what you have learned of life.... mix it with common sense and just enjoy :-)



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 12:20:39 PM)

Because, in the scene, I'd say about 98% of the people who do the mentoring thing aren't using it effectively.  The mentors just want the prestige and use it as a way to have a safe "in" to start seducing someone, and the mentees just want someone they can be enabled by, something to put on their profile and not have to stand on their own.



Sirandlittle1 -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 12:54:45 PM)

Mentoring is a wonderful thing. When done professionally and correctly. When even the mentor has supervision of their mentoring. You get the picture, im for mentoring.

Mentoring in bdsm, is well, dubious id say. Im unsure how Mr A, can teach someone how to be a submissive for Mr B. I use the male term, as its often a predatory role in bdsm, and one clutched by the male population, rather than the female. Although the worse case of mentoring i read about, was acutally on Collarme, where a male sub had been badly abused by a female Domme. Another Domme, kindly stepped in and took over the sub and agreed to 'mentor him', to protect him from a repeat, She actually 'mentored' him into a scenario of male to male rape. Nice eh?

Mentoring has a extreemly bad rap with me.

On the converse side, i attempted to be mentored by another submissive, when i began my own submission, but we were so so different in personality, what worked for her, didnt for me. What had worked for her dominants, would not of pleased mine. But that is a isolated experience.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 1:20:10 PM)

thanks for all the replies...i think if that was my experiance i would be jaded too....hence the bad rap....



RobertCloud -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 1:32:04 PM)

Many of the comments here are correct. For the most part Mentoring is used as a form of manipulation to either seduce or to manipulate someone into a situation. It is not used the way it is supposed to be.

When I mentor all I do is instruct. I instruct someone that is new to the lifestyle on the various kinks of the lifestyle. I help them go through a list of limits and find out exactly what their limits are so that they are prepared and know what might be asked of them. I also am there for them if they need me when they begin to start talking to prospective dominants and they might want a go between or approval to move forward or is it too soon to move forward. I truly take on the role of a Mentor, I do not abuse it like most do.

However, I have had it be abused from the opposite side as well, where the girl that I was mentoring expected me to take them the next step and eventually become their Master when there was no intention for that to happen. They actually tried to seduce me. So it can be abused both ways and is one of the main reasons I no longer Mentor. Now I only teach girls that I am considering for myself.



shadevarr -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 1:32:23 PM)

Well, I have had a friend of mine, who was submissive call me her mentor. I guess it fits since she talks to me about her concerns regarding her relationships, play, and the like. I try to be objective when giving her advice, especially when it comes to the why's.  imho a mentor does not need to be a Dom, just someone that you feel comfortable talking about things and that you respect their opinion on things. As far as the sexual predator, I can see how it can come about but for me it had nothing to do with it and I believe that if a mentor is helping one side of an existing relationship that he should keep the other half in the loop when applicable. The hardest thing for any new sub is to trust someone enough to communicate openly without fear of rejection and I see a good mentor being able to alleviate that fear and empower the newbie submissive to talk with her Dom since she has already talked to someone else about it, it removes a lot of the stress from it.



bandit25 -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 1:52:42 PM)

Yeah, I've always been suspicious of "mentors" or those who claim they've mentored hundreds of subs/doms.  I've always thought of it as an easy way to get some easy sex.



sub4hire -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 2:38:35 PM)

I've never seen any hostility against mentors.  Is this online or in person?

What am I missing?



LadyHugs -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 3:18:08 PM)

Dear crouchingtigress, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I agree with the original post.
 
I think the hostility comes from those who have had bad experiences or are attacking somebody/something; to which they have no talent and or respect in doing themselves so, they have to discredit others as to make themself 'bigger' as to get the attention and the like.
 
In my mind's eyes I see--it really boils down to individual's intent.  Some I've witnessed proclaim themselves as experts and were about as effective as air brakes on a turtle.  I've seen people tick off they have formed this and that group but, don't say how long it stayed active.  So, its these sorts that have negative/evil motives as the ones who stand out and paints a generalized picture of those who mentor.  This is why generalizations are so dangerous--as it really is the problem in BDSM in general; we're painted with a broad brush of generalizations when in fact there are unique relationships as well as unique interests.
 
Sadly, for those who 'trash talk' mentors and like vigilantes, scare or frighten others as to sway their interests and or their inquiries into mentorship; offer no real remedies as to offer the person seeking help get what they need.  Books are not mentors but guides.  Mentoring is often more personal and more face to face, showing as if giving personalized lessons rather than attend an presentation with many individuals and or demonstrations where there is no hands on interaction with the instructor.
 
All who participate on CM, mentor in a way.  Although not in a physical sense; everybody in participation opens other's minds and challenges our (in general) senses, our (in general) logic and or our (in general) philosophies.  It really is lovely seeing people put into the basket their 'goods' and the one holding the basket can create from the contents what they see fit.  So, though mentoring is viewed more as a 'hands on' experience; the mental mentoring as well as any other realms, such as spiritual, emotional, physical, rational and or self awareness are all touched.
 
Learning is seizing the opportunity when it is presented.  Mentoring is an informal sharing of knowledge and or skills, as if giving a hand up and not a slap down.  No dominant knows it all.  I don't 'know it all.' Nobody knows it all.  However, all of us possess talents to which shared may/can help others to enrich their lives.  By sharing our (in general) stories, experiences and knowledge--we share; we teach; we inspire; we mentor; we grow and that is a good thing.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



LTRsubNW -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 3:22:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

To me a mentor is a friend or an associate, who you can ask questions of, someone who is living the type a life you want for yourself, some one who's values you admire and who you can communicate easily and honestly with.
 
thats all.
 
so why all the hostillity?
 
 


Can't speak to the hostility, but whether D/s, bidness or even life...most mentors are shit for brains who think they know more than they ever will.



whisperedsighs -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 3:45:51 PM)

I have seen instances where Dom/me have used mentoring as a way to get what they want. 

To me for someone to be an effective mentor they should be coming from the experiences the person is hoping to have.  For example, my very good friend who is also a sub/switch is my mentor.  I would not go to a Dom/me to mentor me in submission.  I would go to another experienced submissive.  A submissive who will have experienced the feelings that I may run into and can speak from personal experience of having the feelings.  If I were a Top, and wanted to learn about Dominating someone I would go to another Dom/me to show me the ropes and be my mentor.  Seems that someone who is going to be your mentor should not be someone you plan on "playing" with.  There are too many lines that can be crossed.




Trampler -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 3:58:06 PM)

I have just started a mentoring relationship with another Domme, who is also a good friend of mine.  She has been vouched for by several people in my community, not to mention by other good friends of mine.  Now granted it could be she is looking to get into my pants,  but I can't say as I would mind that!



thetammyjo -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 4:21:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

To me a mentor is a friend or an associate, who you can ask questions of, someone who is living the type a life you want for yourself, some one who's values you admire and who you can communicate easily and honestly with.

thats all.

so why all the hostillity?





Not idea.

I've mentored about a dozen other tops so far and I'm happy to mentor others I've met in meatlife. It's useful to have someone to talk to and learn from. Heck, it's even more useful to have several mentors.

Yet I have noticed that some folks think that you can only have ONE MENTOR and that person should teach you everything.

I think that's crazy. I highly doubt someone could know everything about every activity or technique out there. I'd rather someone learned from a person who knows about X then goes and talks to another about Y situation and has another to study Z with.

Goodness that would be like me knowing only one ancient historian my entire life and thinking that one person could train me to be a good ancient historian. No, I'd just be a pathetic copy of him/her and I don't think I'd have a good grounding or practice in the field.



thetammyjo -> RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? (1/10/2007 4:25:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: whisperedsighs

I have seen instances where Dom/me have used mentoring as a way to get what they want.

To me for someone to be an effective mentor they should be coming from the experiences the person is hoping to have. For example, my very good friend who is also a sub/switch is my mentor. I would not go to a Dom/me to mentor me in submission. I would go to another experienced submissive. A submissive who will have experienced the feelings that I may run into and can speak from personal experience of having the feelings. If I were a Top, and wanted to learn about Dominating someone I would go to another Dom/me to show me the ropes and be my mentor. Seems that someone who is going to be your mentor should not be someone you plan on "playing" with. There are too many lines that can be crossed.




I agree with your above idea that like mentors like.

I've mentored other tops/dom/sadists; I've trained bottoms/subs/ masochists. The relationships were quick different.

When I mentor I don't feel like I'm in a power or authority dynamic, I feel like I'm teaching at a pure level where the person coming to me directs the flow and I guide him/her along that flow.

When I train there is more power and authority involved, there is a hierarchy though it is still a form of teaching. It is more personal and at least for me it's also a testing ground for each other to see if something more is wanted.

I don't mentor or train random people. They must be people I've met and gotten to know enough to believe I can help them become even better than they are at that time.



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