RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"?

RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (Full Version)

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desertdancer -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/10/2007 9:27:59 PM)
I have to say that reading this has made me sad. If this were a sister or girlfrined telling You this story and not you tell this story to us, what would you say to her? Would you advise her to be strong for herself? Would you tell her that she can not take care of anyone elses needs truely, if her needs were not being met? Would you tell her that she is letting herself become emotionally harmed because she is allowing this person to take advantage of her? Or would you have no sympathy? Would you tell her it's her own fault, she made this mess, deal with it? Or that she got herself into it, now she's stuck? If you told her the fist few things, and were supportive then I'd tell you that you should treat yourself the way you'd treat your friend or sister. That often times we have more sympathy for others then we do ourselves, but we are just as important. If you answered along the second half, then I would ask you to seek some help, for I'd think you've got some big self esteem issues that need to be explored. At the end of the day, we can't make your choices, only you can, you just have to decide if your important enough to be treated well. ~dancer

Lordandmaster -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/10/2007 10:57:08 PM)
Doesn't sound like you're talking about someone you truly love. Sounds like you're talking about someone who isn't as attached to you as you'd like. If he's not going to end this, you should. The longer you stay, the more resentment you're going to show, and the more ugly things you're going to say, whether you're aware of them or not. quote: ORIGINAL: katerzkat i've tried to explain the pain he's been causing me by taking advantage of my love ever since we first met, but he is a professional leach [con-artist --- litteraly], & he just can't grasp it or see fit to "let me go."

losttreasure -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/10/2007 11:06:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: katerzkat quote: ORIGINAL: losttreasure quote: ORIGINAL: katerzkat what do i do? i can't walk away from my "unwitting" Dom, & he refuses to either set me free or play his role... has anyone else ever experienced this? what did you do? if not, even, please give any advice you've got, because 588 days of this type of situation is nearing the breaking point, & yet neither party seems either willing or able to break... Kat... why can't you walk away? i don't really know. i feel like whatever he says, goes. i say no, he says yes. if i repeat in the negative, he keeps at it until i don't. he... is very convincing. & i am very bad at holding my own in an argument. i know this is my responsibility. i just wish i could find a way to break free that actually works [!]. & i wish, once he's away, that i could stop craving his control You're a smart girl, kat; you have what you need inside you. Let your own wisdom and understanding have control of you... take one step... then another... and don't look back.

gypsygrl -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 2:31:55 AM)
[/quote] i don't really know. i feel like whatever he says, goes. i say no, he says yes. if i repeat in the negative, he keeps at it until i don't. he... is very convincing. & i am very bad at holding my own in an argument. i know this is my responsibility. i just wish i could find a way to break free that actually works [!]. & i wish, once he's away, that i could stop craving his control [/quote] You say he's a con man. In essence, he's playing your confidence (trust), and every time you talk to him or interact with him, you give him the opportunity to do that. Accept that fact that you won't "win" any argument, and when it comes to the art of the con, he's better than you. He will not let you go. You'll have to go on your own power. End all contact because any contact you do have will keep you hooked. I think of D/s in terms of processes of attachment. You're clearly attached. Now, you have to detach. That you're questioning the relationship, and talking with others is a great step suggesting that the detachment has already begun. When I'm in this kind of situation, I look at myself as a barnacle stuck to the bottom of a ship and the challenge is to peel myself off so I can float away. Until I peel myself off, I cannot float. You've started to peel off at the edges. Its just a matter of continuing, bit by bit, until you're fully detached. At this point, I suspect its not a matter of simple will power but understanding your own buttons and how he pushes them, then figuring out ways to protect yourself. Here I've been thinking I was the only one who could get into this kind of situation. Its happened to me more than once, though with enough variation that it didn't seem like I kept making the same mistake over and over again, but I was.

bandit25 -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 2:36:58 AM)
You have the strength inside you...you know it's what you should do...like Nike says...Just Do It. You'll feel better about yourself. But, as LA often warns, don't get into a D/s relationship for at least six mmonths. Take some time off to decide and find out what you want and need. You go girl.

brightspot -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 2:45:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: katerzkat WOW. thank you all for [quick!] supportive advice... i can't say i disagree with a single thing that's been said [nor did i expect to, honestly]... it just helps a lot to hear others reconfirm what was lurking privately in my own head. i really think i just need to gather the strength to let this thing die... with a person as persistent as he is, this will not be easy --- i stopped talking to him for almost 3 months previously, & still he came back --- but you are all right. this is MY call. wish me luck..! tonight is, after all, a new night... If people are reaffirming what is already going though your head, I hope you will be true to yourself and leave the situation. Good Luck and Be Safe, Missy.

Squeakers -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 3:08:46 AM)
To the OP, you stated you crave his control. For me, in order to relinquish control of myself to someone else in a healthy manner, I must first be in control of myself. I found that I too craved control and Domination, therefore because the need was so strong and I had no control over my needs, I'd give up control to just anyone. It's wasn't easy to go through the process of gaining control of my needs or senses, but once I did, I was able to decide if a certain Dom was going to work for me and it helped me weed out those who merely award themselves the title. What worked for me in all honesty, was to be first submissive to myself. I made a list of what I felt were worthy traits, then made a list of my not so worthy traits and worked on bettering myself. Journaling helps and one doesn't have to have a Dom telling them to write one. It helps me greatly even now to go back and read through my journal from years ago to now and see how I was then compared to now. Thought processes change even though we don't realize it. Writing in this manner also took time away from my 'needy' thoughts to find a Dom to control me. Hope this helps.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 6:14:59 AM)
Why cant you walk away? This is an unhealthy, potentially dangerous relationship. You do have alot to learn and this one isn't the one to teach you. If you are being held against your will, this is illegal. You have a mind and have to take responsibility for yourself.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 7:43:24 AM)
marking down another example of how being submissive does not equate to a person being strong and capable for the next time someone tries to make that claim

SirDominic -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 7:56:19 AM)
katerzkat, you are what is called an enabler. It has nothing to do with BDSM, thousands of people in vanilla relationships have this too. The definition according to my trusty online dictionary is: "one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior". In your case, obviously, it isn't substance abuse, it is an abuse of your self-esteem and self-worth. This encourages him to continue the cruel treatment; indeed gives him the belief that he is justified. This is a very serious problem that not many people can not overcome on their own. I strongly recommend you talk to a certified counselor as they have the tools to lead you away from this. Believe me you will be a much healthier, happier person once you learn to overcome this. Truly, best of luck, Sir Dominic

SirDominic -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 8:00:10 AM)
p.s. Although a lot of people on here try to tell you, you have the strength to overcome this, it probablly is not true. They mean well, but most probably don't understand where you are really coming from, or the mechanics of what is happening in your mind. You know what I mean, because all this advice says get out, but you are struggling so hard with that, even though you know it is right. See someone professionally. Sir Dominic

spankmepink11 -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 8:02:49 AM)
Hi Katerzkat, You mention that you "crave his control", i think that you simply crave to be controlled in general and he's willing to oblige. The key to me is the fact that, in my opinion, D/s or M/s relationships are symbiotic. Your situation doesn't reflect that, so i hope you follow the advice of others, and walk away from this person completely. Also, please tread cautiously and carefully and do not allow your need to override your good sense, by submitting to the first Dominant type that crosses your path. (google BDSM dictionary and look up "subfrenzy" ) Good luck...

Zsuzsanna -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 9:06:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: katerzkat quote: ORIGINAL: Zsuzsanna quote: ORIGINAL: katerzkat i don't really know. i feel like whatever he says, goes. i say no, he says yes. if i repeat in the negative, he keeps at it until i don't. he... is very convincing. & i am very bad at holding my own in an argument. i know this is my responsibility. i just wish i could find a way to break free that actually works [!]. & i wish, once he's away, that i could stop craving his control sigh yes... are you sure you're not me? [:D] the fact that you get this means a lot to me; please tell me, how did you break free..? Not much choice really. I moved out of our house and he found someone else to be with all the time. I saw how easily he replaced me after so much and so long. That was really it for me. How could he do this after 5 years of... being more than best friends. (to put it simply) How could he so easily treat me as if I didn't matter? I decided that the best thing to do was to let him go. I knew that there was no choice in the matter, not if I wanted to be happy. It wasn't easy, things like this never are. But it HAD to be done. I spent a LOT of time wallowing in sadness and self pity, but the end result is what it needs to be. I could no longer allow him to treat me that way. And with newfound (from where, I'm still not sure) assertiveness I stop bothering with him. We stopped speaking. And that was that. Basically knowing beyond anything else that it had to end for me to be happy. That was what did it for me. Knowing that he was not capable of giving me what I needed, and that nothing was going to change that. Seeing it for what it was, not what I wanted it to be. I really hope you get through this alright. I PROMISE it will be worth it in the end. If you stay you will hate yourself for it everyday. I did.

KatyLied -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 9:46:02 AM)
There must be 50 ways.......to leave......your situation, you are the only one who can do it.

MasterGremlin -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 9:56:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: katerzkat i'm totally inexperienced in this lifestyle, & yet my submissive tendencies [now that i'm finally learning what they are] have been running my life for... well, forever. my relationships have been colored by it all along, & as of right now, i am completely owned by someone who knows nothing about D/s --- all he knows is that i am under his control, & that this is very handy to him. he is my "best friend," & he's been running the show ever since the first time we hung out, over 1 1/2 ago. i love him very much, & while he loves me as "his little helper," the depth of his love is like a puddle to my ocean... we've been intimate a handful of times, but over the course of a year & a half, for it to happen so seldomly only makes me more crazy than if it never happeneed at all! i recently admitted my new-found knowledge about what i've learned about submission/domination & how it effects my bond to him, & he doesn't really know what to make of it... in the end, i am not "his type." i've tried to explain the pain he's been causing me by taking advantage of my love ever since we first met, but he is a professional leach [con-artist --- litteraly], & he just can't grasp it or see fit to "let me go." to him, whether he loves me in any way at all or not, i am i priceless resource of both my meager financial & boundless emotional support. what do i do? i can't walk away from my "unwitting" Dom, & he refuses to either set me free or play his role... has anyone else ever experienced this? what did you do? if not, even, please give any advice you've got, because 588 days of this type of situation is nearing the breaking point, & yet neither party seems either willing or able to break... I say this all the time: "submissive" does NOT = "doormat" How can you be "owned" by someone whom you have not actually given yourself to who has accepted responsibility? As I see it, he does not have control of you, you simply refuse to control yourself. Just my humble opinion, minxy [:)]

crouchingtigress -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 10:10:40 AM)
kazerkat, what are you willing to do right now this minute to start the process? all this talk is great for motivation, but you also need action. what are you willing to commit to do today? what are you willing to committ to do tomorrow? i notice you answered everyone else who asked you things....but not me...is it because doing something and being held accountable is so hard to do? well that is true it is...welcome to the next level of your new found identity as a submissive....but this is the part where you begin to sculpt your natural orrientaion into something valuable for another to own.

katerzkat -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 11:14:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress there is no easy way to say this and there is no easy way to change your situation....first he is using you and you are letting him. second he will continue to use you until you are used up. Or until you stop him. you have power. you can change your destiny. what can you do right now tonight that will be a step tward getting free? quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress kazerkat, what are you willing to do right now this minute to start the process? all this talk is great for motivation, but you also need action. what are you willing to commit to do today? what are you willing to committ to do tomorrow? i notice you answered everyone else who asked you things....but not me...is it because doing something and being held accountable is so hard to do? well that is true it is...welcome to the next level of your new found identity as a submissive....but this is the part where you begin to sculpt your natural orrientaion into something valuable for another to own. i'm sorry --- in all honesty, you're right: the reason i hadn't replied yet is because i'm not sure how to answer... i've been trying to figure out how to do this for almost as long as i've known this guy. i've tried cutting off contact; i didn't speak to him for over 2 months about a year ago [after a particularly bad incident], but i had the advantage of being at school, which is a couple of hours away... he also would only call once every 2 weeks or so, & i was usually in class when he did, so i can't really take much credit. eventually, he called when i happened to be drunk, so foolishly i answered; after that, things went back to their previous state as soon as the semester ended & i came back to this area. i know for a fact that, as long as i allow him to speak to me, he can talk [or harrass] me into [nearly] anything he wants --- i will definitely have to change my number, at the very least... i'll be leaving for school again in about a week & a half, but until then, if he can't call me, he'll just show up. he actually has no place of his own [he usually doesn't] & has been sleeping at my place for the last few nights --- he's stayed with me off & on since the very first night. as a result, there's always a bunch of his stuff lying around, giving him an excuse to come by... i've tried bagging it all up & telling him to come get it [the last day before i left, last semester], & he simply refused to do it [that same bag of stuff ended up in my dorm room. it's still there]. my biggest weakness is how lonely i get when he's not around. i know it's certainly no excuse, but no-one else pays the kind of attention to me that he does; it probably won't come as a surprise to anyone that i'm not great at making friends. i also have a lot things in my past [& present, for that matter] that i can't talk about with any of my school friends --- he is the only one who i know won't ever be shocked or walk away in disgust. as messed up as we are together, he is my best friend. i can call at any hour [as he often does to me]. his absense leaves a chilling void... i have trouble remembering the bad stuff & only remember the good [there are good times, too]... i'm not going to lie: i'm not sure what to do.

katerzkat -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 11:18:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Squeakers What worked for me in all honesty, was to be first submissive to myself. I made a list of what I felt were worthy traits, then made a list of my not so worthy traits and worked on bettering myself. thank you --- i'll try this, too

katerzkat -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 11:23:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic p.s. Although a lot of people on here try to tell you, you have the strength to overcome this, it probablly is not true. They mean well, but most probably don't understand where you are really coming from, or the mechanics of what is happening in your mind. You know what I mean, because all this advice says get out, but you are struggling so hard with that, even though you know it is right. See someone professionally. Sir Dominic this is one thing that a lot of people are overlooking: obviously, if was as easy as many seem to think, i never would have needed to post this question, at all... finding professional help would be tricky, but it really might be necessary

katerzkat -> RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "unintentionally"? (1/11/2007 11:32:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl i don't really know. i feel like whatever he says, goes. i say no, he says yes. if i repeat in the negative, he keeps at it until i don't. he... is very convincing. & i am very bad at holding my own in an argument. i know this is my responsibility. i just wish i could find a way to break free that actually works [!]. & i wish, once he's away, that i could stop craving his control quote: You say he's a con man. In essence, he's playing your confidence (trust), and every time you talk to him or interact with him, you give him the opportunity to do that. Accept that fact that you won't "win" any argument, and when it comes to the art of the con, he's better than you. He will not let you go. You'll have to go on your own power. End all contact because any contact you do have will keep you hooked. I think of D/s in terms of processes of attachment. You're clearly attached. Now, you have to detach. That you're questioning the relationship, and talking with others is a great step suggesting that the detachment has already begun. When I'm in this kind of situation, I look at myself as a barnacle stuck to the bottom of a ship and the challenge is to peel myself off so I can float away. Until I peel myself off, I cannot float. You've started to peel off at the edges. Its just a matter of continuing, bit by bit, until you're fully detached. At this point, I suspect its not a matter of simple will power but understanding your own buttons and how he pushes them, then figuring out ways to protect yourself. Here I've been thinking I was the only one who could get into this kind of situation. Its happened to me more than once, though with enough variation that it didn't seem like I kept making the same mistake over and over again, but I was. this isn't exactly the first time for me, either, i'm sad to say [probably not much of a surprise]... like you said, it's really just a variation on an old theme

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