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what do you do when you're owned by someone "unint... - 1/10/2007 7:36:57 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		i'm totally inexperienced in this lifestyle, & yet my submissive tendencies [now that i'm finally learning what they are] have been running my life for... well, forever.  my relationships have been colored by it all along, & as of right now, i am completely owned by someone who knows nothing about D/s --- all he knows is that i am under his control, & that this is very handy to him.  he is my "best friend," & he's been running the show ever since the first time we hung out, over 1 1/2 ago.  i love him very much, & while he loves me as "his little helper," the depth of his love is like a puddle to my ocean...
 
we've been intimate a handful of times, but over the course of a year & a half, for it to happen so seldomly only makes me more crazy than if it never happeneed at all!  i recently admitted my new-found knowledge about what i've learned about submission/domination & how it effects my bond to him, & he doesn't really know what to make of it... in the end, i am not "his type."  i've tried to explain the pain he's been causing me by taking advantage of my love ever since we first met, but he is a professional leach [con-artist --- litteraly], & he just can't grasp it or see fit to "let me go."  to him, whether he loves me in any way at all or not, i am i priceless resource of both my meager financial & boundless emotional support.
 
what do i do?  i can't walk away from my "unwitting" Dom, & he refuses to either set me free or play his role...  has anyone else ever experienced this?  what did you do?  if not, even, please give any advice you've got, because 588 days of this type of situation is nearing the breaking point, & yet neither party seems either willing or able to break... 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 7:41:04 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		You need to walk away. He has no reason to change, and won't.

(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 7:41:52 PM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat

what do i do?  i can't walk away from my "unwitting" Dom, & he refuses to either set me free or play his role...  has anyone else ever experienced this?  what did you do?  if not, even, please give any advice you've got, because 588 days of this type of situation is nearing the breaking point, & yet neither party seems either willing or able to break... 


Kat... why can't you walk away?


(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 7:43:24 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat

in the end, i am not "his type."  i've tried to explain the pain he's been causing me by taking advantage of my love ever since we first met, but he is a professional leach [con-artist --- litteraly], & he just can't grasp it or see fit to "let me go." 


Now....explain to us again why you cant just leave this person who does not want you nor do you have respect for him?

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 7:43:48 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		there is no easy way to say this and there is no easy way to change your situation....first he is using you and you are letting him.
 
second he will continue to use you until you are used up. Or until you stop him.
 
you have power. you can change your destiny. what can you do right now tonight that will be a step tward getting free?


_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 7:46:50 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		this is something that many people, both in the bdsm lifestyle and outside of it, have experienced, i am sure.

the biggest issue is that this person is abusing you and your friendship/love towards him. this is -not- healthy. if i were in your position, i would do everything i could do to break off the friendship, including changing my phone number or blocking his, and getting a restraining order if it came to that (and in my case, it has come quite close in the past).

why do you feel you cannot break free of the situation?

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 7:53:40 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat

i'm totally inexperienced in this lifestyle,


yup ... you sure are... you are also totally inexperience in taking responsibility for your own choices.  Maybe you should try taking responsibility for your choices....

NOTE... just because a person isn't taking responsibility for their choices.. .doesn't mean they are not making choices... you are making the choice to be in your current situation.. you are also making the choice of not taking responsibility for that choice.  Isn't denial Bliss.....  yes yes... I know ... it's "Ignorance is Bliss"... but hey.. if your in denial.. you can claim ignorance... so lets just skip the middle man.... "Denial is Bliss"

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:04:23 PM   
Zsuzsanna


Posts: 108
Joined: 12/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat

i'm totally inexperienced in this lifestyle, & yet my submissive tendencies [now that i'm finally learning what they are] have been running my life for... well, forever.  my relationships have been colored by it all along, & as of right now, i am completely owned by someone who knows nothing about D/s --- all he knows is that i am under his control, & that this is very handy to him.  he is my "best friend," & he's been running the show ever since the first time we hung out, over 1 1/2 ago.  i love him very much, & while he loves me as "his little helper," the depth of his love is like a puddle to my ocean... 
 

WOW. Did I write this when I was asleep? This is EXACTLY what happend with me. My best friend was my Master for years before I ever knew this definition of the term. And then when we found out about BDSM we went even further into an M/s realtionship. The only need of his that I didn't tend to was sexual. With everything else I was his to control.
My advice? You have to get out of it. It has already gone on too long. Our relationship broke up (basically) because I moved out. He quickly found someone else to occupy his time. Someone not in the lease submissive.  (go figuare!) It has been months, but i still miss him. But it seems he is doing well without me, seeing as he hasn't bothered to speak to me in 3 months.  Out of site out of mind with him... wait, this isn't about me.
As I said it has gone on too long. You deserve someone who will treat you the way you need to be treated (whatever way that might be! ) IMO, I don't think he has enough respect for you. He is (as I see it) uncaring about your feelings and needs. I know won't be easy (trust me!) but nothing worth it ever is. And getting away from him will be worth it in the end.
GOOD LUCK!

_____________________________

"Somewhere Ralphie smiles and says enjoy her every cry." Tori Amos

(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:17:04 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		My mother's advice: Ask yourself two questions: Would you miss them if they were gone? Is the relationship healthy for you? If you answer no to either one, you need to take a look at being in the relationship.

We all barter to get what we want. Barter suggests and even, amicable exchange. Sometimes, however, negatives move in and bartering becomes blackmail and extortion. He is asking you to exchange with him in order to maintain the relationship. Do you feel what he's asking and offering is a fair exchange for what you give? Are you willing to "sell" at an unfair price in order to keep the relationship? Only you can answer these questions, not us.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:26:19 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Do yourself a favor and leave.  It will be hard no doubt, but over all a much healthier way then having him leave you alone for when one of ~his~ type comes along.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:28:36 PM   
Zsuzsanna


Posts: 108
Joined: 12/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Do yourself a favor and leave.  It will be hard no doubt, but over all a much healthier way then having him leave you alone for when one of ~his~ type comes along.
 

Exactly. And he will, have no doubt. He will do it because he doesn't respect you. He will do it because he believes you would let him. He will do it because he can. I gave my "Master" everything and anything he desired for a number of years. This did not stop him from dropping me cold.

< Message edited by Zsuzsanna -- 1/10/2007 8:30:35 PM >

_____________________________

"Somewhere Ralphie smiles and says enjoy her every cry." Tori Amos

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:44:17 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		WOW. thank you all for [quick!] supportive advice... i can't say i disagree with a single thing that's been said [nor did i expect to, honestly]... it just helps a lot to hear others reconfirm what was lurking privately in my own head.  i really think i just need to gather the strength to let this thing die... with a person as persistent as he is, this will not be easy --- i stopped talking to him for almost 3 months previously, & still he came back --- but you are all right.  this is MY call.  wish me luck..!  tonight is, after all, a new night...

(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:51:11 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat

what do i do?  i can't walk away from my "unwitting" Dom, & he refuses to either set me free or play his role...  has anyone else ever experienced this?  what did you do?  if not, even, please give any advice you've got, because 588 days of this type of situation is nearing the breaking point, & yet neither party seems either willing or able to break... 


Kat... why can't you walk away?




i don't really know.  i feel like whatever he says, goes.  i say no, he says yes.  if i repeat in the negative, he keeps at it until i don't.  he... is very convincing.  & i am very bad at holding my own in an argument.  i know this is my responsibility.  i just wish i could find a way to break free that actually works [!].  & i wish, once he's away, that i could stop craving his control 

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:53:21 PM   
Zsuzsanna


Posts: 108
Joined: 12/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat


i don't really know.  i feel like whatever he says, goes.  i say no, he says yes.  if i repeat in the negative, he keeps at it until i don't.  he... is very convincing.  & i am very bad at holding my own in an argument.  i know this is my responsibility.  i just wish i could find a way to break free that actually works [!].  & i wish, once he's away, that i could stop craving his control 


*sigh* yes... are you sure you're not me? 

< Message edited by Zsuzsanna -- 1/10/2007 8:54:08 PM >

_____________________________

"Somewhere Ralphie smiles and says enjoy her every cry." Tori Amos

(in reply to katerzkat)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:55:01 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat

in the end, i am not "his type."  i've tried to explain the pain he's been causing me by taking advantage of my love ever since we first met, but he is a professional leach [con-artist --- litteraly], & he just can't grasp it or see fit to "let me go." 


Now....explain to us again why you cant just leave this person who does not want you nor do you have respect for him?


thank you for your reply :) ... my response to losttreasure is pretty much the same as what i would say here:  i need to find the strength to free myself... 

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:58:09 PM   
Celedane


Posts: 21
Joined: 10/17/2006
Status: offline 		Knowing you are weak, and maybe especially to him, as he appears to offer much to your desires.  Deny all contact, period.  Don't answer the door, don't answer the phone, fast forward and delete voice mail.  This 'man' is the worm in your apple, he is deep with in, but you have the razor blade, cut the worm out.  Good luck.  Life is too long to be miserable in your choices.

(in reply to Zsuzsanna)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 8:59:55 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Zsuzsanna

quote:

ORIGINAL: katerzkat


i don't really know.  i feel like whatever he says, goes.  i say no, he says yes.  if i repeat in the negative, he keeps at it until i don't.  he... is very convincing.  & i am very bad at holding my own in an argument.  i know this is my responsibility.  i just wish i could find a way to break free that actually works [!].  & i wish, once he's away, that i could stop craving his control 


*sigh* yes... are you sure you're not me? 


the fact that you get this means a lot to me; please tell me, how did you break free..?

(in reply to Zsuzsanna)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 9:09:11 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Sometimes, however, negatives move in and bartering becomes blackmail and extortion. He is asking you to exchange with him in order to maintain the relationship. Do you feel what he's asking and offering is a fair exchange for what you give? Are you willing to "sell" at an unfair price in order to keep the relationship? Only you can answer these questions, not us.

Master Fire



this is the part that burns the worst.  no, what i'm being offered is not fair --- not for what i give, & not for what is either asked or "demanded," either.  am i willing to under-sell..?  unfortunately, when push comes to shove, apparently i am.  i don't want to mistreat myself this way [or any other], but he knows all my buttons...

i know this is up to me --- i know no-one here can definitively answer this for me... i'm just reaching out for whatever i can get, to help me pull this off

thank you
.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 9:11:22 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Do yourself a favor and leave.  It will be hard no doubt, but over all a much healthier way then having him leave you alone for when one of ~his~ type comes along.


i truly hope i am long gone by then, because i can imagine all too well how bad that would be...

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: what do you do when you're owned by someone "u... - 1/10/2007 9:23:00 PM   
katerzkat


Posts: 27
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		i feel like i must do as he says... it's so hard to explain, since in all reality, it makes no sense

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 20
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