Perspectives and Empathy (Full Version)

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kyraofMists -> Perspectives and Empathy (1/12/2007 7:07:23 PM)

I am not sure where to put this post.  It isn’t BDSM related just more a question for my own growth.

Typically, it is rather easy for me to view issues or situations from multiple perspectives.  It is just a skill that has come easy to me for the most part.  On the other hand I am not an extremely empathetic person.  Understanding how a person feels in a situation is difficult if I have not experienced something similar.

Where the desire for growth comes in… There is a situation that I want to be able to see from multiple perspectives and I want to have some empathy for the other people involved and I am struggling with that.

How have you learned to view other perspectives or learned to develop empathy within a situation?  I am interested in hearing thoughts, opinions or skills that you have used to develop these things.

Knight’s kyra



ownedgirlie -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/12/2007 7:36:04 PM)

Any time I have had to wrap my arms around something totally foreign to me, I have been tasked with visualizing it and exploring my thoughts and feelings about it through writing.  For example, to understand how I might feel about experiencing something I have never before experienced, I am to spend some quiet time in thought and really put myself there in the situation.  This may mean closing my eyes and meditating on it awhile.  It may mean spending a few days chewing it over.  It may mean simply sitting down and writing whatever comes out of my head.

The idea, though, is to put myself in that particular situation, and make it as real as possible in my mind.  In doing that, I explore how I feel as it occurs through my visuals.  Happy?  Fearful?  Angry?  Irritated?  Etc.  What are my responses to how I feel? Do I want to turn away?  Do I embrace it?  Am I confused?  Etc.  When I write about such things, sometimes it is in the form of a story, and sometimes it's just thoughts that flow from me as I write.  But I do really try to bring myself right there in the scenario, and see what emotions and thoughts come up.

I'm not sure if this helps in regards to your situation, but this exercise helps me analyze my reactions to things I had no idea what I felt about.  Perhaps in your situation, you can place yourself as the person you are trying to understand.  Create the same situation around you, personally, and explore how you respond to it.  For me, this helps me identify with what is happening, and hopefully with the person actually experiencing it.




Daddysredhead -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/12/2007 8:00:38 PM)

I tend to be a very empathetic person.  Doing legal work, especially in family court cases, I had to learn that there would be some clients that I agreed with and some that I would not.  After a while, I realized that even if I didn't agree with them at first, I could imagine myself in their circumstances and how they could get from point A to point B in their thinking or actions.  After a while, I began to have more compassion for people I once thought were unbelievable, whose circumstances were so beyond my comprehension.  I realized that we cannot always judge another's situation until we are knee deep in it ourselves.  My heart and my mind got softer and broader because I didn't let my own opinions and assumptions get in the way of how another person could see or feel in a certain situation.



catize -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/12/2007 8:12:14 PM)

quote:

 Understanding how a person feels in a situation is difficult if I have not experienced something similar.


I look for the common denominator.  There is always at least a small piece that I can relate to or understand and then I expand it from there.



IvyP -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/12/2007 8:22:23 PM)

Master taught me that there are Always options.....sometimes the deepth of those options however, are deeper than the obivious ones......especially calmness in scenes when being topped its most important...now for the latter...empathy? well...only one way there ....to experence it first hand...maybe sympathy  by feeling it first hand would work better  if experencing it is not an option....but there we go round again....dig deeper



juliaoceania -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/12/2007 8:52:03 PM)

You seem like an empathetic person, I hope my input gives you something.

I have had to disconnect myself often for feeling too close to others, too much empathy that kept me off balance. I am more centered today than I have been in the past.

The first thing I do when I am trying to see something from someone else's perspective is actively listen to them. I repeat  what they say to me back to them, sometimes I will reword it to see if I "got" it, instead of parroting it. Then I use my favorite mantra that I came across very recently... I love this person I am trying to understand, understanding them will make me happy, and I would rather be happy than right. I try to take my ego out of it. I have a rather large ego at times , so this is no small feat for me.

In the time I have known my Daddy, he has taught me some awesome communication devices so that our collective egos do not get in the way. We own our feelings, we acknowledge when we are angry and try to cool down before discussing more (so we do not say things in anger). I do not"universalize" as much anymore. "Universalizing" is talking about the world at large and how "we" feel or "people" feel, instead of talking about how I feel.

I find that sometimes it is better to divorce myself from my empathy to understand someone else. It is hard to separate one's feelings from another person's. If I have control over my own feelings, and they are not overpowering me, then I am more likely to be able to see where someone else comes from.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/12/2007 9:22:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
How have you learned to view other perspectives or learned to develop empathy within a situation?  I am interested in hearing thoughts, opinions or skills that you have used to develop these things.

Knight’s kyra


The multiple perspectives was easy.  I attribute it primarily to my voracious appetite for reading growing up and my philosophy training in college.  As well, my partners were excellent at this skill and forced me to do so.

And, as a switch, if you can't change perspectives, you're kinda doomed.

I'm not sure on the "how" other than to say that you must bend your mind.  People talk about wearing anothers shoes, I think it's first a matter of laying aside your own box and stepping into another.  You must flex around and flow with the subtleties.

As far as empathy?  NO clue.  I would wager I have near the lowest level of empathy on this board.  But I compensate with my intense intuition and understanding of human behavior/psychology.  My partner is trying to teach me to be more aware, but it's an excruciatingly slow and difficult process which often leaves me very frustrated and more upset with myself than anything.



gypsygrl -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 3:05:33 AM)

This is wonderful, juliaoceania.  Empathy, in and of itself, is not good or bad, and it can interfere with developing respect for another as well as hook one into another's vortex which can be destabilizing.  I have too much empathy (if such a thing can be quantified lol) and have to work at maintaining boundaries.

kyraofMists, I'm not sure empathy is possible in the absence of some kind of "shared experience."  An ability to see things from  multiple  perspectives is an intellectual/ cognitive ability but empathy is something that has more to do with feelings, and being able to connect emotionally, and feelings aren't as transferrable as cognitive insights.  Its hard to feel what anothers feeling unless we've experienced something similar.  And, even here, there's the risk of projecting our own feelings onto another.  I think in the absense of having had a similar experience, the best thing to do is talk/listen to someone (as Juliaoceania already pointed out). If thats not possible in a direct way, using your imagination to "enter into" anothers experience might help.  First hand accounts, fiction, movies may be of use.

When I'm having trouble empathazing with someone, I fall back on "respect".  Basically, I try to acknowledge that I can't identify with them in a personal sense, and simply allow them the autonomy of their experience.  I also try to remember that empathy can be a double edge sword and keep it in check so as to make room for respect.  I may have had a similar experience to someone else, and feel an intuitive understanding of what they are going through, but they are not me, and their experience/feelings are not mine.

I'm rambling.  I hope you found something useful here. :)



slavejali -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 4:59:44 AM)

quote:

On the other hand I am not an extremely empathetic person.  Understanding how a person feels in a situation is difficult if I have not experienced something similar.


I don't see this as a bad thing or a drawback. Afterall, we can conceptualise till the cows come home, but it is not until we are put into an experience that we really see if that concept or realistion is grounded in us in any solid way.



windchymes -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 7:10:16 AM)

I'm naturally very empathetic and I have no idea how to tell someone how to develop it! lol  In fact, I wish someone here could tell me how to LOSE some of it![:)]

Good luck, though!



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 10:29:01 AM)

Well I'm an empath, and although I know it's viewed as a gift, let me tell you that it SUCKS sometimes.  There are times I am so overwhelmed by the feelings of others, that I can't even discern if the feelings are mine or someone elses!!  It's one of the reasons that I've never had many friends, choosing to only allow one, maybe two people to get close to me at a time.  And I'm VERY choosy about who I do allow to get close to me.

My Master wants me to learn to be more social, and I swear I have so many things working against me to accomplish that goal. Introvert, empath, shyness..... [8|] [&o]

Sorry, I'm no help. [:o]




darksdesire -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 11:29:15 AM)

Empathy comes easy for me also.  I can remember when I was a child, I often felt that witnessing the pain (emotional) of my family mmbers was actually more painful than experiencing my own.  Empathy is not always a pleasant experience, and it definately shapes the way I interact with others.

While I think empathy comes easily to many, I also believe it is a skill one can develop by conciously placing oneself in another's shoes and imagining how we would feel.  But empathy is more than that too...I think it also requires an understanding of the particular circumstances of a situation, and the specific challenges, history, temperment of  the person involved.    Even though I might feel a particular way in response to a situation, doesn't necessarily mean someone else will feel the same.   Having empathy for those we know includes understanding their particular sensitivities and reactions, which may be vastly different from our own.   



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 2:49:53 PM)

I dunno, I find it funny that a lot of subs will claim they have high empathy...but then knock me down for being a big meany.

Don't they have empathy for my lack of empathy and can understand my perspective is just how I cut to the chase?



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 3:29:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I dunno, I find it funny that a lot of subs will claim they have high empathy...but then knock me down for being a big meany.
Don't they have empathy for my lack of empathy and can understand my perspective is just how I cut to the chase?


Empathy for your lack of empathy? [:D]  Well I for one appreciate your candor most of them time, although I will admit that I have winced a few times.  There are people on here who I believe are mean-spirited, rude and condescending for no reason other than they can be (and some of them wonder why they can't find a playmate [8|]), but I do not believe you are any of those things.  Aren't you thrilled having that validation from me? [;)] [:D] [:D] hehehehe

But I look at it this way, if we all responded to some posters and some threads with an "awwwwwwwwww I understand how you feel sweetie", it just wouldn't provoke much thought or growth for some, especially in cases where the person seems unable or unwilling to move/change without a good WHACK upside the head.  [sm=paddle.gif]

We need some Huggers and we need some Whackers....... that makes for a nice balance I think. [sm=mrpuffy.gif]



windchymes -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 3:33:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I dunno, I find it funny that a lot of subs will claim they have high empathy...but then knock me down for being a big meany.

Don't they have empathy for my lack of empathy and can understand my perspective is just how I cut to the chase?


No, see, we feel empathy for the one you're being a meany to! [:)]

Actually, I appreciate your down-to-earthness and would never dream of knocking you down.



slavejali -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 3:34:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I dunno, I find it funny that a lot of subs will claim they have high empathy...but then knock me down for being a big meany.

Don't they have empathy for my lack of empathy and can understand my perspective is just how I cut to the chase?


I think you've made a great point there. I don't know how reliable most peoples concept of empathy is, from my experience of people who claim "empathy" they are really off the mark a lot of the time and are only feeling something that has been reflected off their own feelings and ideals..and so not true empathy at all.



Donnalee -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 3:53:17 PM)

Something that helps me is to separate out sympathy from empathy.  A simple way of putting it is:  sympathy is feeling the other person's feelings with them.....like laughing at a shared joke, two parents talking and sharing about the love they feel for a  wee one,  feeling hurt when your friend is isulted...stuff like that.  

Empathy is understanding their feeling.  If you've been in the other person's situation before, it certainly makes it easier to empathize, but it isn't mandatory.  By actively listening to them, stopping to let what they're saying sink in, and trying to get out of yourself to see where they're coming from is a way to gain that.  Some people come by that naturally, but it's my opinion that most people are taught it growing up, and then only start to see the value of  getting better at it as an adult.

I have a good deal of skill in empathizing, but I don't sympathize very often at all.



KnightofMists -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 3:55:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

.....  There are people on here who I believe are mean-spirited, rude and condescending for no reason other than they can be (and some of them wonder why they can't find a playmate [8|]), ....


and then are others that can find a playmate or two or three or more..... and still appear to be mean-spirited, rude and condescending for no reason other than they can be.....

Just goes to show you ... Life just isn't Fair....  And I say... Thank God... otherwise... I might be talking to myself *g*



Mercnbeth -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 3:58:46 PM)

this slave believes that the best she can do is sympathize~even if she has gone through similar situations or experiences, her individuality, her reality, her feeling is not necessarily going to be the same as another's, no matter how hard she might try to believe otherwise.  this slave believes pure empathy is indeed rare, if possible.
 
this slave believes most folks in general would be hard pressed to identify and completely understand another's situation, feelings and motives, given the wide variety of ethnic, cultural, societal, familial, educational, etc. upbringings that have brought us all to this point.
 
for example, in previous service, this slave has spent time living in severely depressed economic areas, but by choice, not out of necessity.could she empathize with the others in the neighborhood, struggling with so many sociologic, substance abuse and gang-activity related issues?...not really...and they certainly couldn't empathize with her upon hearing her story of what brought her to their neighborhood, so this slave modified her story somewhat along the way, so not to "frighten the villagers" and provoke them into deciding she was some sort of narc to whatever authority they happen to be on the other side of.
 
they were skeptical at first, but soon learned to take this slave's good nature for what it was.  some were willing to be friendly, others robbed this slave blind as soon as her back was turned.  this slave learned alot from the times she spent there but doesn't feel sharing the experience of living there helped her to empathize with the folks who felt they couldn't leave.



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/13/2007 4:02:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

.....  There are people on here who I believe are mean-spirited, rude and condescending for no reason other than they can be (and some of them wonder why they can't find a playmate [8|]), ....


and then are others that can find a playmate or two or three or more..... and still appear to be mean-spirited, rude and condescending for no reason other than they can be.....

Just goes to show you ... Life just isn't Fair....  And I say... Thank God... otherwise... I might be talking to myself *g*


Ahahahahaha well I can't say that I've ever specifically noted those behaviors from you, but if it's working for ya, and it obviously is, then it's all good!  [:D][:D] [;)] 



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