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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

What's even more messed up is that many of these same doms also go out with vanilla women and have no problem calling those vanilla encounters dates. They also have no problem falling in love and forming serious relationships and/or marrying these vanilla women. After all, there will always be some bdsm woman for them to use on the side so they can have their cake and eat it too. We are nothing but toys to them to use for temporary amusement. Once they abandon us, they probably get some sick pleasure out of thinking of us alone and crying. They have no respect for us. We are considered lower than dogs to these creeps.

Your bitterness comes out in spades with this post... I suspecty someone hurt you and/or someone you care about very badly. 

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ORIGINAL: subexploring

I think that for the most part when a man says he doesn't want to "date", he is saying he wants to enjoy casual sex play with a lot of different partners.  So he doesn't want the implied committment of "dating" you, which would at some point might commit him to not dating other people at the same time.  I think at least some men in BDSM are there to enjoy a lifestyle that is focused on sex play, rather than emotional ties.

At least that's my read on it.

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ORIGINAL: wingedangel

The Courtship Rituals thread got me to thinking... what is the difference between vanilla and BDSM dating?  Over the past couple of years, I have come across more than one Dom who makes a distinction between them, yet it feels the same to me.  We go out to dinner, to the movies, to amusement parks, the beach, the mall, whatever... all the things I did when dating strictly vanilla men.  Yet, each of them has said something along the lines of 'I don't want to date anyone right now'  When I asked about it, all I got was 'this is BDSM'.

Time for you to change your profile and be very specific in what you want and what you are looking for, last time i checked being submissive did not mean that you did not get to choose who you want, nor did it mean that you are not allowed to say what it is you want.

What is the difference?  Just because at some point during the evening I usually ended up tied up and flogged or something, does that somehow change it from a date into something else?  Is it something akin to the Madonna complex, where just because I am submissive and allow them to dominate me that automatically makes me not dating material? 

You allowed them to tie you up and flog you?  We teach others how to treat us; just because he says he is a Dom/Master does not mean you have to do anything, he is not your Dom/Master. If you are hoping that by submitting yourself to them that they will somehow change thier mind about what they are seeking, and somehow fall head over heels, you will end up being bound and flogged and broken hearted; not a good thing.
 
To me, it is all connected.  I don't want a partner who isn't kinky, but I don't want just kink, either.  I want the whole package.  Still, it seems rather common to find that Doms don't 'date'.  So, if it isn't a date, what is it?

Then you need to state very clearly what it is you want.   I am not trying to sound mean here but its time for you to make some changes as it is obviously not working for you. 

 
Thoughts?  Comments?   
 
edited because I can't spell today. 

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

We as women need to somehow figure out a way to get doms to change the way they see us.

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

We as women need to somehow figure out a way to get doms to change the way they see us.

mmmmmmm so just the women need to figure this out uh? 

Why are you trying to change these um individuals.... how about just learning to avoid such individuals... learn how to identify individuals of character that you can admire and respect.  Individuals of character that admire and respect others.

Instead of trying to feed the world... why not learn to feed yourself first.

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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

We as women need to somehow figure out a way to get doms to change the way they see us.

mmmmmmm so just the women need to figure this out uh? 

Why are you trying to change these um individuals.... how about just learning to avoid such individuals... learn how to identify individuals of character that you can admire and respect.  Individuals of character that admire and respect others.

Instead of trying to feed the world... why not learn to feed yourself first.

Amen!

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Doesn't searching for someone else qualify as moving on?

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ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Doesn't searching for someone else qualify as moving on?

Not if you are still emotionally tied to him and dwelling on it while in your search.  Remaining in the past does not allow us to move forward, even if we think we are trying to.  Letting go enables people to move forward.  If I use my past pains as the sole basis for judging my future, and make my decisions based on it, I have not let go.

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He must have a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth. He must not expect sex outside of a monogamous relationship. He must be willing to date a bdsm woman, not just vanilla. Most people have a much longer list than this.

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Doesn't searching for someone else qualify as moving on? I've found that all the doms and switches in this area are either older and bald, already taken, or only date vanilla women. Here are my standards. He must have a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth. He must not expect sex outside of a monogamous relationship. He must be willing to date a bdsm woman, not just vanilla. Most people have a much longer list than this. So you see, it's not a problem of refusing to move on. It's the lack of decent doms to move on to.

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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I do not think you are hearing most of us, yet again, I do not think that you really want to.

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
What is sad to consider is that the very pain she is holding onto of the past that is colouring her perceptions of today and tomorrow will affect how Dominants will view her.  It could very well be that many of those few acceptable Dominants in her eyes would not view her as acceptable.  Making her search all the more difficult.

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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

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He must have a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth. He must not expect sex outside of a monogamous relationship. He must be willing to date a bdsm woman, not just vanilla. Most people have a much longer list than this.

My list was extensively longer than this. I was willing to date outside of my area though too.

Also, I do not understand "must have his own hair and teeth" thing. Some people your age lack these things. 33 is not exactly old, but it is not like you are 20 or something either. I knew guys I went to high school with that started losing their hair when they were like 25 or so. Believe it or not, that standard is probably not serving you very well. My brother in law lost most of his teeth by 30, and he is a very attractive man, and he has always worked, and he buys my sister almost anything she wants Perhaps you are not setting the "right" standards? You should make a list of everything you want in a person, just do not get upset when someone else does not meet your expectations.

I do not think you are hearing most of us, yet again, I do not think that you really want to. You would be much better served to work at making you the most appealing person you can, inside and out, then expecting anything from anyone else. I have this video that perhaps will serve you more than anything I can say to you, if you do not want to watch it, don't, but you are one of the people I have read on here that could possibly use it more than others (well maybe michaelga could use it too). There is a part  of this video that focuses on how to change our thoughts about relationships to attract the kind of relationship we want and need. http://www.allabreve.org/thesecret.htm

One last thing, you really do not need to state "no players" on your profile, it creates a much more positive vibe to focus on that you want, instead of that which you do not.