I'm a virgin; what should I do next?

I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (Full Version)

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softcoresicko -> I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 12:40:03 PM)
I'm having a bit of a problem, and I'm hoping you can help me. You see, I'm interested in finding a girl interested in a long term, mongamous relationship with plenty of BDSM play; I've been interested in fetishes for essentially my entire adult life, and I can't imagine a relationship lasting without some kinky activities. The problem is, I'm still a virgin (as a result of my personal decisions), and that seems to be a turn off among the girls I'm interested in, especially the more submissive ones. Since my previous BDSM experience has taught me that I like to be in control, this seems like it could be a problem. One girl went as fair as telling me she had no interest in me once she knew I was a virgin, in spite of seeming curious, at least, when I was writing to her before. So, my questions to the subs out there (and any switches or Doms who might be checking out this post): (1) How important is experience when attempting to woe a sub? I realize that an interest in men with experience is natural, particularly for girls with submissive tendecies; but is there any room for those of us who want to learn to be a good Dom within the context of a stable relationship? (2) Now that I know my virginity can be a deal breaker, when should I bring it up? With the girl I described above, I mentioned my virginity in my second email to her, and I was still accused of leading her on. Short of writting it on my forehead for my profile picture, I don't know of any way to let her know earlier; when is a good time to bring up my lack of sexual experience? (3) To ask my title question, what should I do next? Should I continue to look for a sub girl who wants to help me learn as we go, rare though they might be? Should I find a vanilla girl, and introduce her into the world of BDSM once we have a solid, nonfetish relationship? Should I embrace my inner sub, and look for a Domme who would be willing to help show me the ropes, so to speak? Should I do something completely different, or some combination of the things described above? Any help you could provide would be most appreciated; I simply have no idea how best to proceed. Thank you all in advance.

obis -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 12:59:37 PM)
I'm usually one for full disclosure, but virginity is one of those few things that really isn't anyone's business unless you want it to be. Many people feel that it's a responsibility or worry about how the person will react to their first time and just don't want to risk getting wrapped up in all that. But if it isn't a big deal to you, then I don't see that you have any responsibility beyond saying that you haven't engaged in BDSM sex play so that the safety issues can be addressed. I should note for the record that the first girl I ever had sex with never knew I was a virgin. I wasn't planning to have a long-term relationship, and neither was she, so we just had fun for a time and then went on with our lives. But it sounds like it might be a big deal to you, in which case you simply have to keep looking until you find the girl who thinks you're amazing and wants to be there while you learn. Some women love that, some hate it. I had one wonderful sub who dated younger, inexperienced guys for years because she thought that's what she liked (until I came along :P).

hisannabelle -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 1:47:12 PM)
(1) How important is experience when attempting to woe a sub? I realize that an interest in men with experience is natural, particularly for girls with submissive tendecies; but is there any room for those of us who want to learn to be a good Dom within the context of a stable relationship? of course there is room. however, i would recommend finding either someone who has quite a bit of experience as a submissive for your partner, or else losing your virginity and learning more about sm play outside of the context of the relationship you are looking for. there are practical reasons why submissives seek out men with experience; one of them is that bdsm is a physically and psychologically touchy subject...certain aspects of play can just be dangerous with people who don't know what they are doing. (2) Now that I know my virginity can be a deal breaker, when should I bring it up? With the girl I described above, I mentioned my virginity in my second email to her, and I was still accused of leading her on. Short of writting it on my forehead for my profile picture, I don't know of any way to let her know earlier; when is a good time to bring up my lack of sexual experience? i am always one for full disclosure. of course, it is up to you, and you have the right to tell someone at any point you feel comfortable, but if you are going in the direction of physical intimacy with someone, i would recommend mentioning it within the first or second email. be conscious of the fact that you are not the only virgin in the world (i know someone older than you who's never been kissed, even), and that people who reject you simply because of your virginity, or claim that you are leading them on if you exchange one email without putting out a blinking sign declaring it, are probably people who are not worth your time anyway. hugs (3) To ask my title question, what should I do next? Should I continue to look for a sub girl who wants to help me learn as we go, rare though they might be? Should I find a vanilla girl, and introduce her into the world of BDSM once we have a solid, nonfetish relationship? Should I embrace my inner sub, and look for a Domme who would be willing to help show me the ropes, so to speak? Should I do something completely different, or some combination of the things described above? what -you- are comfortable with. i know that many dominants find it beneficial to serve a domme and learn what it is like to be a submissive; if that's a path that seems interesting to you, by all means, it's worth a try! as i mentioned before, if you do get into a relationship with a submissive woman, it's probably better to be with someone who has some experience in the lifestyle, simply so it's not the blind leading the blind, so to speak. the idea of finding a vanilla girlfriend and introducing her to bdsm later in the relationship is also a very good one, i think - my current relationship did not start out as a d/s relationship (although it quickly became one) - but you do run the risk of finding out late in the game that your partner isn't comfortable with bdsm at all. i think you should do what feels right to you. good luck :)

junecleaver -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 1:49:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: softcoresicko I'm having a bit of a problem, and I'm hoping you can help me. You see, I'm interested in finding a girl interested in a long term, mongamous relationship with plenty of BDSM play; I've been interested in fetishes for essentially my entire adult life, and I can't imagine a relationship lasting without some kinky activities. The problem is, I'm still a virgin (as a result of my personal decisions), and that seems to be a turn off among the girls I'm interested in, especially the more submissive ones. Since my previous BDSM experience has taught me that I like to be in control, this seems like it could be a problem. One girl went as fair as telling me she had no interest in me once she knew I was a virgin, in spite of seeming curious, at least, when I was writing to her before. So, my questions to the subs out there (and any switches or Doms who might be checking out this post): (1) How important is experience when attempting to woe a sub? I realize that an interest in men with experience is natural, particularly for girls with submissive tendecies; but is there any room for those of us who want to learn to be a good Dom within the context of a stable relationship? I'm a virgin and a submissive as well. Part of me does want someone who is more experienced and all my former partners have slept with a ridiculous (to me) amount of people. I'm not sure I've even met as many people as some of them have slept with and these relationships never worked out because we had both developed different ideas about sex. What I mean is I think maybe they were a little TOO experienced for me, maybe a little too shaped and defined to fit with me in a relationship. But a guy who has waited for me, been looking for me, made his decisions with me in mind long before he had even met me, that's hot too and better suited for me in the long run. Plus, sex just takes practice. (I think, ha.) Why does it matter who you've practiced with before as long as you are willing to learn? quote: (2) Now that I know my virginity can be a deal breaker, when should I bring it up? With the girl I described above, I mentioned my virginity in my second email to her, and I was still accused of leading her on. Short of writting it on my forehead for my profile picture, I don't know of any way to let her know earlier; when is a good time to bring up my lack of sexual experience? There is a difference between being a virgin and having a lack of sexual experience. In some ways, not having sex allows you to focus on the ways you get there, improving your sexual ability without ever fucking. As a woman and a submissive, I just state in my profile that I'm not having sex with someone because I don't want them to waste their time if we aren't going to be compatible and I don't want them to think I'm going to change my mind or that I'm playing around, because I'm not and I won't. It probably feels a little dorky, especially considering how society conditions men to feel about virginity, but maybe putting it in your profile (if it's important to you) would help. quote: (3) To ask my title question, what should I do next? Should I continue to look for a sub girl who wants to help me learn as we go, rare though they might be? Should I find a vanilla girl, and introduce her into the world of BDSM once we have a solid, nonfetish relationship? Should I embrace my inner sub, and look for a Domme who would be willing to help show me the ropes, so to speak? Should I do something completely different, or some combination of the things described above? I think you are the only one who can really answer this question. Just don't compromise your own values for someone else's. It's a cheap exchange in the long run.

toservez -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 2:31:30 PM)
First on virginity, it really depends on your reasons why you are a virgin. Certainly some reasons might be issues that do require being up front pretty darn soon. Reasons like not believing in pre-marital sex for example. Something that would clearly affect her. Other reasons that really do not effect her or your relationship with her then I do not see the need to go “Hi I like you, I am a virgin”. When to bring it up is when you feel comfortable in bringing it up. As far as experience it is strictly a personal preference of that person. Everyone will have a different opinion. For me personally, in looking for a long-term Master there are a lot of things so far ahead of experience that are more important to me that I do not think it has ever factored in a decision for me. If I find a person I connect with and share all those important compatible things with, letting him learn how to be his own Master and having him have my body to learn on would be a pleasure. I will gladly wait for him to grow into it. I would not rule out anyone based on opinions. Talk to women of all types. Focus on compatibility on all aspects of the relationship and do not worry about your experience level. The right one for you will not care and either should you. Good luck, Lin

bandit25 -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 3:19:28 PM)
Well, I hope you meant "woo a sub", not "woe a sub". Anyway, of course there is room for less experienced people. No one starts out with experience, you know. As far as when you should bring up your virginity, well, I don't know what to tell you. To me, 24 seems a bit old to be a virgin, but I came of age in the era of free love so I can't really answer that. Not really sure why it would come up until you're ready to "take the plunge" so to speak. Don't think trying to convert a vanilla girl (even one you have a good, solid relationship with) is a very good idea. You could continue to look or go to some munches near your home...find a dom to use as a "role model" so to speak...or just talk to people who do have some experience and learn from them. Good luck.

BDSM05478 -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 4:59:41 PM)
Do not sacrifice any part of yourself at this early step. Focus instead on learning all you can reading, watching and trying. If you have a local group check it out, maybe travel and go to major cities where you can catch demos and lectures. Since this life is not all about sex, the status of your virginity is of no importence untill someone earns the right to be trusted with your choice. On a personal note, being a virgin might actually make you more attractive to some potential partners. Some of us love to instruct and show people the ropes dom and sub alike.

HollyS -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 5:41:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: softcoresicko I'm having a bit of a problem, and I'm hoping you can help me. You see, I'm interested in finding a girl interested in a long term, mongamous relationship with plenty of BDSM play; I've been interested in fetishes for essentially my entire adult life, and I can't imagine a relationship lasting without some kinky activities. The problem is, I'm still a virgin (as a result of my personal decisions), and that seems to be a turn off among the girls I'm interested in, especially the more submissive ones. Hi there, Reading the responses you've gotten, I can see why you might be a bit discouraged. I agree with those who feel your virginity is no one's business but yours. When you've grown close to someone and choose to discuss it, there should be a strong enough foundation that your partner can keep perspective on the issue. When talking to new people, I'd not say anything early on depending on the limits you've set for yourself regarding BDSM play (bare spanking, general nudity, touching, etc...) Only you know where your line lies. I think it's an extremely common fantasy among some submissive women to find an uber-experienced Dominant; highly skilled, omniscient, bordering on mind-reader. Clearly they need someone else - there's still a whole world of submissives who'd be willing to grow with you as part of a committed LTR. You just haven't met them yet. I was a virgin when I married my husband, also a virgin. We were barely 22 at the time. We had our 15th anniversary this past year. You're not unusual for waiting, there are just a lot of people who can't imagine it. Small minds, they have. Good luck to you. ~Holly

bandit25 -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 5:53:03 PM)
Oh, I don't think I have a small mind...I simply grew up in a different era than you did and than he has. I certainly don't see anything "wrong" in being a virgin at 24...he had his reasons and they are what they are. I just said it seems a bit old to me, that's all.

HollyS -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 6:13:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bandit25 Oh, I don't think I have a small mind...I simply grew up in a different era than you did and than he has. I certainly don't see anything "wrong" in being a virgin at 24...he had his reasons and they are what they are. I just said it seems a bit old to me, that's all. My apologies, I didn't have you in mind when I replied. Your answer wasn't rude to the OP - it just said you found 24 "a little old" to be a virgin. I've no problem at all with anyone expressing respectful opinions. My mind was more on the vast number of people who've told me we were either nuts or lying to say we were virgins when we married. Unsolicited commentary on my imagined neurosis for waiting "so long" has happened plenty of times, so I empathize with the OP more than usual in this case. And you're right, the decision to wait is largely a cultural one. I came of age at the beginning of the AIDS crisis as well as being raised with 12 years of Catholic school. All told I developed a bit of a complex, I admit it. I'm so sorry for the implied offense - it was completly unintentional. ~Holly

bandit25 -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 6:15:29 PM)
Ah, my bad as it turns out then. No need to apologize.

softcoresicko -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 6:21:41 PM)
Thank you all for the wonderful and helpful comments; it's nice to know the people on Collarme are so friendly. My primary reason for still being a virgin is because I believe that sex (and the intimacy leading up to sex) is special, and want to wait to find a special girl with whom to share it. I try to be up front about these desires because I do want a close, personal connection; my ideas about a good relationship preclude any thoughts of being less than straight forward. So far, I've had only one girlfriend who inspired those kinds of feelings inside me; but she wanted to wait, I respected her wishes, and eventually she stopped seeing me before we went "all the way," so to speak. I think my personal preferences do have an effect on my relationships; I have a tendency to go rather slow and not push things, which is one of the reasons I'm a 24 year-old virgin. I honestly don't know if "things will go slowly if we date" is significant reason to announce my virginity at the very beginning of a relationship, but personally, I'd rather be up front and honest than get too worried about when is the right time to tell her. Again, thank you, obis, hisannabelle, junecleaver, toservez, bandit25, BDSM05478, and HollyS; you have all given me plenty of food for thought. All of your advice and kind comments are most appreciated. Softcore Sicko (P.S. Though I wouldn't have guessed it was so, apparently BDSM05478 is correct; I've been approached by two females just in the time this post has been up, both of whom made reference to my virginity. I'm not really sure how to approach this situation, it's rather new for me. I shall just have to take matters slowly, and perhaps I shall find my perfect girl.)

SlaveAkasha -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 6:46:00 PM)
I would hold out till you find the one that thinks it's a wonderful and special thing. I made the mistake of thinking I had to when I was thirty, even if I really didn't want to. I now am with someone I very much love and wish I had waited one more freaking year. Once you do it, it's done..and you might not regret it, but then again.. you can't go back. I hope you find someone special to share it with..take your time, and don't feel pressure. Just because we are in this..doesn't mean we all think we should and can have sex with anyone at anytime. Being a Dom doesn't make it any different, I think it's great you are trying to keep the values that you hold close. Kasha

proudsub -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 9:11:15 PM)
One thing you can point out to to prospective subs in that being a virgin just about guarantees no STDs. Hubby was a virgin at age 26 when we married, btw, and we've been together 38 years.[:)]

Lordandmaster -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 9:14:48 PM)
I can't speak for the women who are turning you down, but my suspicion is this: they're wondering how you can possibly be ready for a long-term, monogamous relationship when you've never even had sex. You have to know what a short-term relationship is like before you move on to a long-term one, and if you've never had a sexual relationship before, you really have no idea how it works. You can't. quote: ORIGINAL: softcoresicko I'm having a bit of a problem, and I'm hoping you can help me. You see, I'm interested in finding a girl interested in a long term, mongamous relationship with plenty of BDSM play; I've been interested in fetishes for essentially my entire adult life, and I can't imagine a relationship lasting without some kinky activities. The problem is, I'm still a virgin (as a result of my personal decisions), and that seems to be a turn off among the girls I'm interested in, especially the more submissive ones.

chastitybelt -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/14/2007 9:31:04 PM)
I think today is my lucky day.I finally found fellow virgins in the BDSM scene and it's about damn time. Hello everybody i'm a 30 something virgin woman and i'm a femdom domme in training..Softcoresicko i can relate to your story. I would love to find a virgin /nonvirgin male who wants to be in a monogamous long term relationship with me and wants to be my sub because I want to lose my virginity to my long term boyfriend or husband. I'm new to the BDSM scene and i'm learning very slowly.I am in no hurry.I don't know if i should start out with a woman or a male sub but It would be nice if i could find another virgin so we could learn together.well it was nice meeting everybody. one more thing Mistressgrace07 i read some of your post and You're my virgin mistress role model.

twicehappy -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/15/2007 4:39:38 AM)
Ok folks, i read this yesterday and i restrained myself. I read it again thinking"Benji will find this thread and save me from embarrasing myself". I read it this morning thinking "Mnottertail where are you". It is too hard to resist, i cannot seem to stop myself, so to the OP, please forgive me but; GET LAID! Whew i feel better now so back to your regularly scheduled advice.

dawntreader -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/15/2007 5:11:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: junecleaver Just don't compromise your own values for someone else's. It's a cheap exchange in the long run. Great advice!

RedSavageSlave -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/15/2007 8:18:51 AM)
I am not sure how this is going to come out but I have to say it anyways.. Why are YOU making an issue with being a virgin? You want to be the dominant..so no sex is your option. I dont see where it needs to be explained to anyone. If they are not willing to take it at your pace, they are not compatible. This issue ISNT the fact that you havent had sex..the issue is you dont want to have sex with casual partners. Your call. I dont see why you need to bring your being a virgin into a discussion at all. This is of course assuming you KNOW all the mechanics and are not looking for someone to teach you how to have sex. I wish you luck as you continue to find the ways and means to show yourself to be all you desire.

onestandingstill -> RE: I'm a virgin; what should I do next? (1/15/2007 1:30:06 PM)
I think if you're proud to be a virgin and keep it that way you could (not should) but coild put that in your profile. That way it's there before you communicate directly. LOL much better than messing up your forhead as after you decide to have sex where are you going to get a new forhead from. I'd also recommend with all the toys out here for screwing a horny girl with there's other ways to give her what she wants just like the men with erectile dysfunction do (believe me this seems to be common in a lot of Doms who own subs). I think the right sub won't care ,the wrong ones for you always will and you have to have faith you'll find what you seek since you are looking. suzanne

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