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Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 6:13:24 AM

barefootgal

Posts: 44
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Milwaukee, WI
Status: offline

My husband of 4 years and I are new to BDSM play and still "feeling our way" around. I am becoming more comfortable with my submissive side -- which is stronger than I had imagined -- and he is embracing the dominant part of his nature.

One of the things he has always appreciated about me is my willingness (read: eagerness) to initiate sex. He says he always knows when I'm horny! Is there an appropriate way for a sub to do this, or is it topping from the bottom? Which, by the way is a great term and I am striving to not do.

Thanks in advance for your advice/assistance/general commentary.

Post #: 1

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 6:32:25 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

you can certainly ask for what you need but it is his decision to agree and allow it. Just ask respectively and appropiately.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 2

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 6:34:27 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

One of the things he has always appreciated about me is my willingness (read: eagerness) to initiate sex. He says he always knows when I'm horny! Is there an appropriate way for a sub to do this, or is it topping from the bottom? Which, by the way is a great term and I am striving to not do.

If he appreciates it, I would have to assume you are going about it in an acceptable way. If you enjoy it, that don't hurt niether now does it.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 3

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 6:36:41 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

IMO if your Sir/Dom/Somme/Maam is asked this question only they can give you the correct answer.
We can all speak for what works for us, but that has absolutley no bearing on your relationship.
You are to submit to him if you indeed are his sub, not us or your own preferences.
suzanne

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 4

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 6:39:05 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It really doesn't matter what we think. Once you start allowing us cloud your feelings your relationship is going to take a hit.
As long as it is working and the two of you are happy. Then don't worry about anything.

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 5

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 6:58:39 AM

mymasterssub69

Posts: 566
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

Daddy loves it when i initate the need for hot sex because sometimes He's in the mood for the same too.

i merely ask respectfully what i'm craving from Him. sometimes i beg for it too depends how bad i really need it.

_____________________________

there is something infinitely magical
about a Daddy Dom
...something only a little girl
can understand.

collared on 16th Jan 2007 by bigsambaman, my Daddy

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 6

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 6:58:45 AM

barefootgal

Posts: 44
Joined: 1/7/2007
From: Milwaukee, WI
Status: offline

Thanks for your responses so far. When I chose the word "appropriate" I had a hunch I was picking the wrong one. Of course, as some of you have pointed out, what is appropriate -- or right -- for us may be very different for others. I am just looking for suggestions as to what has worked for other people with more experience. Since we are both newbies, it gives us a starting place, rather than having to reinvent the wheel.

sweetnurseBBW, thank you especially. I think that is exactly the information I needed.

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 7

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 7:09:03 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

ooopppppssss, wrong thread.

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 1/15/2007 7:10:24 AM >

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 8

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 7:10:21 AM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline

Topping from the bottom isn't so much about what you indicate you want, as it is about your reaction to the answer.
There are a thousand and one ways (at least!) for a woman to indicate that she wants to have sex, and since your husband has always liked that about you, I wouldn't see any reason to assume that has changed unless he says it's changed.
Just remember that you can "want" all you like, so long as you accept "not right now" gracefully.
~~the above is solely the opinion and experience of the poster~~

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 9

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 7:24:24 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

I think if he likes you being frisky you could set a signal between you. One of mine is to change into something sexy, or be frisky by like showing him my pussy suddenly and unexpectedly, or lightly running my fingernails over his penis while he's dressed.
These subtle signals tell him, you're turned on and draw his attention without you begging or topping.
I'd also say if he does indeed like you to just start things go for it.
It's not disrespectful unless he thinks so.
Many people make the mistake of wanting to adhere to some universal good girl, or good Dom standards.
There are none that apply to you, except those your Dom wants of you.
Lets put this in other terms.
If everyone else in the room is not allowed to talk and your Dom wants you to, that's what you should be doing. If he's not worried about keeping up with the Joneses you should not concern yourself with exterior reactions. The responsibility of and choice of that is his to make.
You are a reflection of him.
suzanne

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 10

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 8:25:54 AM

michaels4evr

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline

i tend to give a sexy smile and say "wanna do it Daddy?"

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 11

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 8:43:28 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

The general answer is whatever works in your relationship.

Specifically though I have had this type of conversation forever both online and in person with dominants. Almost all I have talked to have pondered or have been frustrated by their submissive not initiating anything in the sexual or kink area. I am guessing that most of the dominants will chime in and say they like when their submissive asks or shows their wanting something in this area.

Of course as a submissive you must be prepared to take no for an answer and keep a proper attitude.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to michaels4evr)

Post #: 12

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 8:48:05 AM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: barefootgal

My husband of 4 years and I are new to BDSM play and still "feeling our way" around. I am becoming more comfortable with my submissive side -- which is stronger than I had imagined -- and he is embracing the dominant part of his nature.

One of the things he has always appreciated about me is my willingness (read: eagerness) to initiate sex. He says he always knows when I'm horny! Is there an appropriate way for a sub to do this, or is it topping from the bottom? Which, by the way is a great term and I am striving to not do.

Thanks in advance for your advice/assistance/general commentary.

Well, the same thing is appreciated from me in our relationship- and, in fact, he punishes me when I do not initiate sex when I want it.
Be nice and polite about it, don't interrupt something important he's doing, ask for his permission to tease him, turn him on and make him want to fuck you silly, etc. Talk to him about how HE would like you to handle it- you'd be amazed the sorts of things those fellows can come up with.

behindmirrors.

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 13

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 8:48:27 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Don't get hung up on words and labels. If someone wants sex I always say no, but then tease them, torment them, then bend them over and tease them a bit more. Use you for my pleasure but not let you cum. Then, when you least expect it ravish you until you beg me to stop.

Do yourselves a favor, buy a copy of Dossie Easton's two books about topping and bottoming. Reading those will answer so many of your questions you will be amazed that so much can be packed into two tiny books.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 14

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 10:13:10 AM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

For me, if we're in bed together and I get an urge I just get down to the buisness of playing with and sucking on his penis, and making apreciative noises while I suck, and he gets the idea I want something hehe. He askes me does baby have plans? and I say yes.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 15

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 10:45:58 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Asking for what you need/want is called honest communication.

Amazing how many claim to need it and then balk at it the first time you have to actually apply it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 16

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 11:49:37 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

He's the Dominant. Ask him what he wants. He might enjoy a code or you simply kneeling in a particular way to say that you're ready for him. It's his choice to exercise the opportunity.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 17

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 12:21:54 PM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

Something you two need to work out, there aren't any rules - you run the risk of alienating him if you place too many demands, most guys have limits as to how often they can perform.

If it was me, I'd say start gyrating your hips, writhe around a bit - if I'm not there in five minutes, start without me.

There are all sort of things you can do, even if he's otherwise indisposed, begging, orgasm denial, etc., that allow him to recharge his batteries, while heightening the sensation for you. Take it as it comes.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 18

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 12:46:35 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: barefootgal

Thanks for your responses so far. When I chose the word "appropriate" I had a hunch I was picking the wrong one. Of course, as some of you have pointed out, what is appropriate -- or right -- for us may be very different for others. I am just looking for suggestions as to what has worked for other people with more experience. Since we are both newbies, it gives us a starting place, rather than having to reinvent the wheel.

sweetnurseBBW, thank you especially. I think that is exactly the information I needed.

Hello barefootgal,
having read your second post to your thread, i would like to give you some of the ideas of 'asking' for sex that work for me and us.
We have a ritual of placing two particular glasses of red on a podium, i mean coffee table lol that's in the lounge. That's the first que, that little one wants something. Then, just like any vanilla couple, i flirt my ass off, usually in a playful manner, as i know that gets me brownie points with him.
Asking might fail, begging that is genuine, ie, i am in real need, so it comes across authentic, also works.
I like the ritual, as it sets the whole request evening off on the right foot, which occasionally, my spoken word can cock up!

Topping from the bottom is a delusion in my opinion. Spouted by single people. Who debate at great length on such matters. Ignore such threads. They are fruitless, and a complete waste of time.

I wish you both success, fun and love
littleone

(in reply to barefootgal)

Post #: 19

RE: Asking for what you need - 1/15/2007 2:09:06 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

My Master likes it when i offer myself to him. I might put myself in a seductive position and say "Master, would you like to use your slut?" It's kind of fun to do that, because it plays into the power dynamic so well - there is no sense of pressure, and it's an offering he can accept or reject quickly and easily.

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 20

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