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Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 6:49:24 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Hello All,
Just something I wonder, not motivated by my circumstances.
*edited as after reading my own post, yes this is about my circumstances Duh!!

Do you with your Dom/Domme have a way to communicate your wants and things you need on paper, or do you prefer to do this verbally?
Often when I in past relations had communicated serious needs or casual wants this was overlooked.
I think it's part my fault, because as a sub I try my very best not to be demanding or confrontational.
Often waaayyyy later I'd hear, "I heard you saying it, but didn't take it personally or as something important. THough I heard you the urgency or strong desire was not conveyed."
I often times feel when I try to communicate what I want, or need like my mind runs a million miles an hour trying to figure out a good submissive's way in communicating this.
What do you do to relay your position and desires to your top?

I was thinking about asking my new Sir to let me develop a wish list. Much like a grocery list.
I'd divide it into
Absolute needs
Sometime would be nice needs
Really Want
Think I want
and of course
Don't want at all.
Like for example Needs may be socks, or femanine protection if he controls the money, or time to talk to you, or anything that's a BIG one to make you OK,
Sometime Needs would be a can opener if you don't have one, or to get over my trust issues or other things you feel you lack that frustrate you etc...

Being I don't like to be a pest, and other than in play prefer not to aggrivate my Sir by begging I think this will be a bonus to us.

Mind you this is not to be designed into a hard and soft limit list, but rather a communication tool to help your top know where you are.
What do you think about this?
suzanne

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 1/15/2007 6:50:11 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 9:51:43 AM

IvyP

Posts: 43
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline

personaly, i think thats a great idea, to compile a list....i am a pretty much black and white person, and has the need to see things that way.....the better tools we can give to Sir, as to aid in setting Sir up for success, the better off slave would be...and also, with the knowing that (altho i sometimes do think)   Sir isn't perfect......Sir may forget sometimes too. the good seems to out the bad here :) for Many reasons 3 quick reasons why a person doesn't do a good job:
lack of skills
lack of knowldge
don't give a shiot
good luck!!!          sisters in submission
                                    slave ivy

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 10:03:40 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Thanks ivy.
My relationship is very NEw with Sir Rob. We are just beginning.
We are discussing the same thing.
My mistakes, weakness and errors need to not only be addressed, but we need to find ways to help me get beyond my imperfections.
As I have no issues and Sir Rob's not forgotten anything, not left me wanting this is more a shot of preventitive medicine here for me, but I can see how this will help him too.
I wonder if people would rather humiliate their sub and expect them to just ask, or if they get into a sub begging them.
Me, I just view begging as selfish unless I'm specifically within specific circumstances asked to beg as he likes it that way.

(in reply to IvyP)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 10:44:34 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'd say we're 90% verbal and 10% online. That 10% is pretty much just sending a picture we find particularly hot, or a story. Then we talk about the story.

We relay our feelings and desires by asking eachother about them continuously.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 11:45:45 AM

asassylilslave

Posts: 93
Status: offline

I have never been one to write things down and present it to someone saying 'ok this is what i want', I perfer face to face talking of such things. If i can't trust the person to hold to their word after agreeing with some, then I don't need to be with that person to start with.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 11:55:41 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

suzanne,

Perhaps what the two of you need to do is set up something that functions like a code. I had friends who had something like this. When she said, "I need X," her Master knew she wasn't kidding and she needed that. Explain that you feel you are being asked to beg for needs (if I'm ready your post right) and that makes you feel ignored and unimportant. It's just simply a lack of proper communication, so finding a way to communicate this is the first step. Now, if he STILL doesn't find your needs to be of importance...well, that's another topic.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 11:58:24 AM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

Often when I in past relations had communicated serious needs or casual wants this was overlooked.
I think it's part my fault, because as a sub I try my very best not to be demanding or confrontational.
Often waaayyyy later I'd hear, "I heard you saying it, but didn't take it personally or as something important. THough I heard you the urgency or strong desire was not conveyed."

Suzanne-

I have had this exact problem in the past, and it has ended a relationship because I didn't understand how serious some issues were to my sub until it was too late. I applaud your idea -- indeed, any idea -- for organizing and presenting your wants and needs as honestly as possible. To me, I wouldn't care how the information was presented, though I confess for something I may need to periodically review or remind myself, having a written something would be helpful. Any device for increasing honesty is a good thing in my book -- the greatest danger we run into in these relationships is letting the dynamic alter our communication in a negative way, out of misplaced respect or deference or pride.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 12:56:17 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

We have a checklist, that we enjoy a evening with, re-doing it, as our relationship evolves, and thus our needs and desires. Using the same piece of paper with the original answers, and then doing it again, in a different pen. We get to discuss, how we developed along a certain path, what got us to move forward etc. and can learn from this, its also quite a laugh too.

I have a hat, that i recently put every goddam fantasy i had in my horny head at the time. When he choses, he'll grab a few from it, he can then grab a few, and we do those. This is a partnership, where both our needs are to be met, not just his. And so, me having requests, wishes, desires, needs and wants, is not considered odd in any way, but expected.

Then there is the shelle gets the itch, and goes after what she wants. He can say no if he wishes.

But mainly, i just ask. The more detail i put in, the hornier i get, the hornier i get, the more attractive i become to him, and so on and so on. Works for us.

He doesnt control my money, so i never have to ask to buy anything, i just do it. Im not into that sort of control, definately. Been there in vanilla, it urks me, i wouldnt of wanted that in a D/s dynamic. But horses for courses.

little1

(in reply to obis)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 12:56:53 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

suzanne,

Perhaps what the two of you need to do is set up something that functions like a code. I had friends who had something like this. When she said, "I need X," her Master knew she wasn't kidding and she needed that. Explain that you feel you are being asked to beg for needs (if I'm ready your post right) and that makes you feel ignored and unimportant. It's just simply a lack of proper communication, so finding a way to communicate this is the first step. Now, if he STILL doesn't find your needs to be of importance...well, that's another topic.

Master Fire

Hello Master Fire Maam,
Again I have no problems with Sir Rob. He's wonderful at listeing to what I think, feel or say I want. Mind you this does not mean he gives me what I request every time or anything, just he hears me and understands my point well. No is still an acceptable answer as long as there's no bad communication on my part that does not show my feelings, or too much communications because of them.

It's that I feel like I get all tripped up in asking from a submissive perspective.
In my only BDSM relationship before (so not much to go on) often the other would say, I heard you say it, but didn't understand what that meant. Since you didn't push I didn't understand, and thought you were just speaking generally not you had an issue.
Again not happening in my life, but what I mean by examples is say I want to be tied up, or want to give him a massage.
If I say, If it pleases you I'd love to be tied up, that does not convey I came into this life knowing bondage frees me, we never do this and it's important to me.
Or, If you'd like I'd love to give you a massage. That does not convey I feel I'm not servicing you in ways I need to to feel like I help you.
It's my newness to the life, and total bludgeoning of protocol in my past, not current relationship that thinks if I can convey more on paper without making him read a daily journal (thus giving him a task or chore)I think it wouldt ake a lot of guess work and frustration in communicating as a sub away from me and my thoughts.
You see I feel like I'm a very submissive person.
Friends observe me as full of myself and focused on the I too much, and on the other hand I feel my wants and desires are left atthe wayside because 1-I'm confused how to word it in protocol without it just going over their head, and two-I'm tired of bouncing my head in the wall thinking I'm doing the right thing only to find in my inexperience I'm screwing up and seeming toppy.
I'm very close to thinking I'm just a bottom, I'll never be a sub, and I'm not ready to give up yet, but even though my new relationship is wonderful I feel MY submission and My communication skills and extroveretedness make me think I should just walk away because it's too hard.
suzanne

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 1/15/2007 12:58:52 PM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 4:04:37 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline

I never have a problem saying "Boy, I'd LOVE to do that sometime". For us, enthusiasm works.
If it's something I absolutely need, I have no problem saying "I need this", either. It seems only fair to me, that I give him all the information he needs to help both of us. I am getting much better at identifying true needs versus what I'd really like to have, and the needs list is a lot shorter than I expected. But if they aren't met, eventually it's going to hurt both of us, and I don't want that.
I have found that if it's something I really, really need, I can express that more clearly in email (the fact that it's a need, rather than an emotional want). That's just the way I work. I am able to sort out my own feelings, and sometimes find out that no, I don't really need whatever it is, in which case I can say that it would help me, please me, whatever, and he knows that the answer is his choice. Of course, I do know that he likes pleasing me too.
But if you find a way that helps you to communicate, it's all good!

< Message edited by mbes -- 1/15/2007 4:05:33 PM >

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 5:12:24 PM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I guess i am pretty verbal as i tell him what i want or like usually.

The firt time i saw him on a ladder i simply said " wow does that give me evil thoughts about blowing you on the ladder". He always grins at my naughty desires and often grants them.

There has been occasions where i sent him an email with a scene or pornagraphic desire as well.

As to things i need that is day to day stuff when we shop i am pretty free to just get what i need or want, though i am not a wanting person so he trusts me.

If it is other stuff like the new curtains and rugs for my room i ask, but there again i do not ask often, he has never told me no either.

My wants in the things category, i never ask, he pays attention and will often surpise me with things he sees me looking at or he knows i'll like. When all the garden catalogs started rolling in he gave me a spending limit and let me pick what i wanted to have.

If we go to auctions or yard sales and stuff he sees that i have money to spend.

(note here; Scooter is the only one who works, it is his preference that Jewel and i both stay home.)

I think because i do not demand, because he trusts me but most of all because he pays attention i've never had an issue with this category.

Your idea is a good one though at least until you get to know each other.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 5:19:55 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I just ask Master if I can talk to him about something and he listens. I state what it is I think I might need or maybe it is something I need to talk about and we go from there. I am more of a verbal person and Master has always listened to me and responded in the way he thinks best to my requests or issues. If writing things down is better for you then that would be a better way for you to communicate with him.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 6:37:26 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I think that is sounds like a good idea for you while he gets to know you and how you feel. When I ask for something I often get apologetic about it. Like last time I was down there I wanted to go and see the sunset on the ocean. He could tell it was an "urgent" desire for me, and he made sure this happened. I have never written a list like that for him. But if something is extremely important to me I will find a way to communicate that, and if I am told "no", I drop it.

He does know I have trouble asserting myself at times, and somehow he manages to compensate for it. Perhaps talking to your new fella about this communication issue that you have would make him more sensitive to how you communicate?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 6:55:03 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

We write things down a lot as Master is deaf.

I do have an actual wish list, but it isn't anything to do with sex or play. I have a list that gets updated for things I want/need in case Master becomes inclined to buy me a gift at any time.

Example: one of the things on it is a labrador puppy to replace my beloved doggie that died. Now a labrador isn't really conducive to our lifestyle right now, I just don't have the time to train it and give it the attention it needs in its first few years...but Master saw through that got down the the cruz of the issue..and now I have an adorable kitten I love so much.

Another thing that was on that list was a piano, I haven't had one in years and it isn't a real need...but Master got me one for my birthday.

If the house needs stuff like a can-opener, I just tell him.

But saying that..when we were first together...and I would count our time conversing on the internet as that before we met...I did do stuff like write lists of experiences I had had, things I wished to experience...my feelings around stuff etc...so probably your idea is a good one

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 7:11:15 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

Okay, not sure what submission is to you. You mentioned that perhaps you're a bottom and not a sub. Could be. In any event, i think too often we can all get very caught up in dotting our i's and crossing our t's and forget that this can be a helluva lotta fun. When i really want/need something from Master, i play with Him - His psyche. For example if i feel like i really would like a good whipping, i don't always say, Master, would it please You to whip me or something like that. i do something to put Him in the mood - like write Him an erotic story that includes whipping.

It's kind of like wanting a particular food for dinner and showing Him a picture of it instead of asking - do You want chicken? Although i understand the D/s dynamic is important and can be quite serious, i think, from what i'm reading on these threads that oftentimes we get too mental and analytical about it all and don't approach O/our other in more creative and fun ways, and even in just plain realistic ways.

i know there are those who don't believe love is a necessary ingredient in the dynamic. i don't happen to be among them. i honestly can't imagine sincerely submitting to anyone without loving Him. But that's just me. In terms of mundane needs like shoes, socks, feminine hygiene things, i just say Master i need - whatever it is. If He agrees we go get it, if not He says no. i don't need an explanation. i don't wrestle with myself over how to say something - i say things in ways that i believe are respectful and uncontrolling. i leave it to Him to decide if i'm right or not.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 7:25:21 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill
If I say, If it pleases you I'd love to be tied up, that does not convey I came into this life knowing bondage frees me, we never do this and it's important to me.
Or, If you'd like I'd love to give you a massage. That does not convey I feel I'm not servicing you in ways I need to to feel like I help you.

What I'm hearing, or reading as the case may be, is that you would like for him to say he cares and feels for you by tying you up. What I'm also hearing is that you'd like to say you care and feel for him by giving him a massage. If I've gotten this right, then I have these comments:

Each of us has a way that we tell a specific person they're important to us. Let him know that serving him by giving him a massage is your way of saying you care for him and it would mean a great deal if he would accept that service. Likewise, we have a way that others most effectively tell us they care for us. It would be important to you for him to say he cares by tying you up. These are examples of how you give and accept love (whatever kind you have) in the relationship with him.

If getting your voice correct in your mind is difficult, use your body instead. To put this forward in submission, I suggest you ask for some time with him, then sit at his feet as you talk, in a normal way. Lay your head on his lap, if he likes that, or take a formal position, if he likes that. Then, simply ASK him how he wants things to work. It's a new relationship and stumbling around trying to covertly figure things out can be counterproductive and do you each a disservice.You would like to have and do these things. He has said no (I think). Does he now want you to ask again or beg for them or does he want to not be asked again ever? Also, think about how you're going to feel and react at each of these and talk about that, too.

Part of what's hard about being new Dominant is that we often simply don't know what we want...and sometimes, even if we do, it's hard to articulate. Ask questions. Make suggestions. Yes, you are the submissive, but you, too, are a vital part of how and why things get done.

I hope I haven't misread. Sometimes, when the dyslexia is in high gear, like it has been in the last couple of days, my comprehension skills go WAY down.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/15/2007 8:56:31 PM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..~smiles~

If there is anything of need be it personal or for house etc. I simply let Master know..Master? The toilet is overflowing or Master? I'm out of tampons. I generally do not have to many occassions where I word things as "I need or want" but rather just relay the information, and the rest I leave to Master to do as he wishes about the information given. If there is something specific..I simply use Master may we or I. He has his certain times where begging is required but generally it is just as a tool of reminder. At times if I am excited about something I do come off as demanding, (but it's more the tone) and am quickly given a look and told to try that again. It's more than enough to fix the situation on my part.

No matter what it is or why..he deserves to know.

Well Wishes
starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/16/2007 12:00:39 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

Hello All,
Just something I wonder, not motivated by my circumstances.
*edited as after reading my own post, yes this is about my circumstances Duh!!

Do you with your Dom/Domme have a way to communicate your wants and things you need on paper, or do you prefer to do this verbally?
Often when I in past relations had communicated serious needs or casual wants this was overlooked.
I think it's part my fault, because as a sub I try my very best not to be demanding or confrontational.
Often waaayyyy later I'd hear, "I heard you saying it, but didn't take it personally or as something important. THough I heard you the urgency or strong desire was not conveyed."
I often times feel when I try to communicate what I want, or need like my mind runs a million miles an hour trying to figure out a good submissive's way in communicating this.
What do you do to relay your position and desires to your top?

I was thinking about asking my new Sir to let me develop a wish list. Much like a grocery list.
I'd divide it into
Absolute needs
Sometime would be nice needs
Really Want
Think I want
and of course
Don't want at all.
Like for example Needs may be socks, or femanine protection if he controls the money, or time to talk to you, or anything that's a BIG one to make you OK,
Sometime Needs would be a can opener if you don't have one, or to get over my trust issues or other things you feel you lack that frustrate you etc...

Being I don't like to be a pest, and other than in play prefer not to aggrivate my Sir by begging I think this will be a bonus to us.

Mind you this is not to be designed into a hard and soft limit list, but rather a communication tool to help your top know where you are.
What do you think about this?
suzanne

What I tend to do with my owner is just say (quite literally), "I think it would be fun if we did..." or "I was reading XYZ and I'd like to do it, what do you think?"

I don't think I've differentiated wants and needs when making a request with him because there are very few things I can see as being a need and those few needs have more to do with emotional or relationship things rather than SM things.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/16/2007 3:24:26 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

With my last Dom- there were so many things I wanted to try, no matter how much they scared me- I joked once about my To/Try list. So he had me write up that list.
He would plan out one of these things ( some he had never even tried and he was very excited with each new one)
The day after I was to go back to my To/Try list and write in detail about that experience.
More than 1/2 of the list was accomplished before we split and I still have it.

< Message edited by swtnsparkling -- 1/16/2007 3:26:36 PM >

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you have a wish list, or just have to beg? - 1/17/2007 4:02:46 AM

slavegirl1969

Posts: 69
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline

For normal every day living I'm lucky, Master doesn't feel the need to have me ask permission to buy things, get on and do things, he's quite laid back in that he thinks I've managed to run a house on my own for the last 20 odd years so pretty much know what needs to be done without having to ask. When in the house I know that whether I am clothed or naked is totally his decision but outside he lets me decide (he admits he has lousy dress sense and doesn't feel the need to inflict it on me). Financially I hold my purse strings and he holds his (for now). I've never had to ask for more time with him because he wants to spend as much time with me as I do him so its not an issue.

But in relation to physical M/s if I want to try something, or really like something and want more of it I write erotic stories based on things I would like to try, have already tried and really, really like and want more of. This way I don't come off as being demanding and he knows what I think about, what I want, what I like and also how depraved my mind can get <giggles>

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 20

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