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Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 11:58:11 AM

PAsextoy4u

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Joined: 9/27/2006
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I am wondering if its a good idea to take some time off, some time away from sites like this and away from the scene, after a submissive is released by her Master? Does that help the submissive let go of her Master, let her heart heal, let her find inner peace and closure? What do others advise in this situation?

How else can submissives heal their broken hearts after being released? And would other Masters prefer that a submissive take some time off rather than jump into something new too soon? Does leaving the scene help submissives heal faster, or does talking with other submissives and Masters help one move on? What has worked for others?

Thank you for your consideration of my questions and any suggestions you make.

Post #: 1

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 12:03:21 PM

mnottertail

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Joined: 11/3/2004
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LA will be by directly, and I already second what she will say....

Fuck your heart, tho........what have you learned?

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to PAsextoy4u)

Post #: 2

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 12:08:51 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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For me I did not date or play, but I did stay in this message board as I NEEDED this place to sort my thoughts and feelings out. I kept my close lifestyle friends, and stayed out of the public community completely for two months.
I then began to say I was seeking friends, but did not want to be mated to any one. Basically arms length. At this time I started to play with two people I've known more than a year and trust a little just to see where my head was and for relief.
I only went out to the community to socalize with my friends, not make new ones or play.
After three months my Sir found me here, I'd known him from before, and we began to date.
I haha thought I'd keep him at arms length for several more motnhs, but began to date more seriously after a month. The rest is history.
I say keep your good friends, keep talking and writing about how you feel, and in time you'll feel it's OK to start taking steps without fear.
Of course what I did worked for me, but that does not mean it works for any one else.
You in your gut know what's best for you. Think clear, be patient, and trust your instincts.
Good Luck,
suzanne

(in reply to PAsextoy4u)

Post #: 3

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 12:09:29 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

LA will be by directly, and I already second what she will say....

Fuck your heart, tho........what have you learned?

Ron

*Does her best LA impressoin*

Wait six months..

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 4

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 12:12:03 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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The answer is it depends.

Variables that another person cannot answer for another, how long was the previous relationship, how healthy it was, how did it end, and what is your state of mind in currently are just things off the top of my head that factor into when to look for another relationship again.

I guess my .02 advice would that it is OK to look when you feel it is OK and when you are able to learn from your past experience but not be driven by your past experience in searching out your new one. For most some tme off is normal and good but again up to each to find the best way for themselves.

Talking to people should help people with problems in general. Looking for any absolute answers from others as a way to move on for you can be dangerous. I do not think it can hurt to talk and listen to others but to be able to take what works for you and to discard what does not.

Waiting and wallowing in sadness and pity are two very different things.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to PAsextoy4u)

Post #: 5

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 12:43:18 PM

Hisamicia

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Joined: 1/13/2007
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I can't speak from the viewpoint of being released, but I did leave a 20-year vanilla marriage that was emotionally/verbally abusive and yes, I took some 'time off' of relationships. The friends I made in this lifestyle were what gave me the courage to leave and supported me when I did. Being 'fresh meat' and just coming out of a poisonous relationship could have made me easy prey, not mention the issue of 'sub frenzy', but fortunately I had an experienced sub who took me under her wing and helped me see that I needed to heal before I was ready to serve anyone. The ideal Master I dreamed of serving (and am now fortunate enough to belong to and serve) deserved a submissive who was whole and able to serve Him without the burden of too much baggage. Of course there was and still is some; a person forms patterns of behavior that they often don't see, but there was far less because I took the time to allow myself to release the pain and misguded guilt of the failed relationship.

During that time off, I took an honest look at myself. I discovered my strengths and weaknesses, identified my needs and desires, and wrote out the qualities I needed in my Master along with the qualities I could offer to Him in service. (That essay also gave me something to compare the Dominants who were interested in me to, as a way of seeing of they were really what I needed without being too caught up in the excitement of being dominated. It proved to be a good 'yardstick'.) I looked at my own failures in my previous relationship so I would not repeat them and broke some destructive habits, such as not clearly stating what I need. When My Master found me, I was ready to offer not just my body, but my heart and mind as well.

I have found joy beyond my wildest dreams in belonging to NChaka and He is everything I wrote about almost a year before I met Him. He is worth every moment that I waited and healed.

As always, this is only my opinion and all people and relationships are different. Your milage may vary.

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to PAsextoy4u)

Post #: 6

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 5:11:29 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
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I've always found that, whether I want to or not, I end up taking time off after a relationship ends. Oddly enough, the last three times the amount of time off has been the same as the amount of time the relationship lasted... three years, six months, and eight months.

But I do think it depends on the person.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to Hisamicia)

Post #: 7

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 5:19:21 PM

bandit25

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Joined: 6/18/2005
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It truly depends. Do you feel you need time off? I think it's prolly a good idea, but only you can answer that for yourself.

(in reply to PAsextoy4u)

Post #: 8

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 5:54:02 PM

Lordandmaster

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I find that when I DON'T take some time for myself after a break-up, I make bad decisions.

(in reply to PAsextoy4u)

Post #: 9

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 5:57:22 PM

classykindasassy

Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
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I feel taking time to reset before getting into another relationship is good. You may find useful things on the boards while you do that.

The amount of time would depend on the breakup. If it was mature and sensible, maybe 6 weeks for me. If it was really a bigger deal, bad words exchanged, trust broken in a humiliating way, maybe a few months to get my sense of self back.

Do things that remind you of your best points. Put in more time at work, volunteer, SEE GIRLFRIENDS to get your "estrogen quotient" back up. A guy is probably going to want to be alone or get close to nature, or do things with the guys.

Whether they are in the lifestyle or not, spend time outside your head with people who give you positive feedback on your value. Inside your head too much and you will be picking yourself to death needlessly. Let someone else feed your masochistic need. Don't mindfuck yourself.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to PAsextoy4u)

Post #: 10

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 6:10:53 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

i think this is why a relationship that comes too closely on the heels of another are called rebound -- and i don't know many that have made a go of it.

YMMV, however...

jimini

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I find that when I DON'T take some time for myself after a break-up, I make bad decisions.

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 11

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 6:12:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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:) This is why I get to take naps now.

Anyway, as someone who has multiple relationships- I'm certianly not going to put them all on hold just because I've had a break-up.

IN GENERAL, yes, one should take time to re-learn who they are as a single person before jumping into a new relationship. IN GENERAL, most people get into rebounds that are even worse than the initial break-up.

But, there are occasions in which new relationships can help us process out of the old ones and where the energy just works to your advantage.

I will say it's always better to take it slow and secure rather than rushing. If it's a solid relationship, it will still be there in 6 months, and if you're not sure, than just wait awhile.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to classykindasassy)

Post #: 12

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/15/2007 6:23:28 PM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Anyway, as someone who has multiple relationships- I'm certianly not going to put them all on hold just because I've had a break-up.

Ditto

But, there are occasions in which new relationships can help us process out of the old ones and where the energy just works to your advantage.

This is very true of my relationship with kyra. kyra had a very positive effect for both alandra and I in regards to moving forward from a relationship we had with another girl. In fact kyra more or less walked in at the final months of it.

Our relationship was based on this experience.. but it was indeed an experience that opened doors of trust for all of us.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 5:53:03 AM

asassylilslave

Posts: 93
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Anyway, as someone who has multiple relationships- I'm certianly not going to put them all on hold just because I've had a break-up.

Ditto

But, there are occasions in which new relationships can help us process out of the old ones and where the energy just works to your advantage.

This is very true of my relationship with kyra. kyra had a very positive effect for both alandra and I in regards to moving forward from a relationship we had with another girl. In fact kyra more or less walked in at the final months of it.

Our relationship was based on this experience.. but it was indeed an experience that opened doors of trust for all of us.

I am curious as to how the three of you managed to keep the new relationship ( with Kyra ) from being nothing more than 'rebound'. It's rare that someone can take the energy from a dissolving relationship and focus it into something that is positive for one that is just forming.
( did that make any sense at all

)

< Message edited by asassylilslave -- 1/16/2007 5:54:41 AM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 6:06:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: asassylilslave
I am curious as to how the three of you managed to keep the new relationship ( with Kyra ) from being nothing more than 'rebound'. It's rare that someone can take the energy from a dissolving relationship and focus it into something that is positive for one that is just forming.
( did that make any sense at all )

Well for me it was because I didn't get into the relationship as a way to escape being single. I actually struggled a lot with the choice to go ahead and get serious in a relationship so soon after ending another.

Second, it was because my partners allowed/forced me to process what had happened in the other relationship. We had lots of talks about what led up to it, what patterns evolved, and they weren't threatened when I went through the inevitable "comparison" stage.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to asassylilslave)

Post #: 15

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 6:13:32 AM

asassylilslave

Posts: 93
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: asassylilslave
I am curious as to how the three of you managed to keep the new relationship ( with Kyra ) from being nothing more than 'rebound'. It's rare that someone can take the energy from a dissolving relationship and focus it into something that is positive for one that is just forming.
( did that make any sense at all )

Well for me it was because I didn't get into the relationship as a way to escape being single. I actually struggled a lot with the choice to go ahead and get serious in a relationship so soon after ending another.

Second, it was because my partners allowed/forced me to process what had happened in the other relationship. We had lots of talks about what led up to it, what patterns evolved, and they weren't threatened when I went through the inevitable "comparison" stage.

ahhh, ok...thank you...that makes it a bit easier to understand how you could keep the new relationship from going bad in that situation.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 6:57:06 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: asassylilslave
I am curious as to how the three of you managed to keep the new relationship ( with Kyra ) from being nothing more than 'rebound'. It's rare that someone can take the energy from a dissolving relationship and focus it into something that is positive for one that is just forming.
( did that make any sense at all )

what Lucky wrote:

quote:

it was because my partners allowed/forced me to process what had happened in the other relationship. We had lots of talks about what led up to it, what patterns evolved

Was very true for the three of us. It is a necessary part of failed relationships to work past them in a constructive maner if one wishes to minimize their effects on ones life and relationships. So, the three of us very much helped each other in this regard...kyra was particuarly beautiful in her support and understanding. She is was also instrumental in helping both alandra and I to learn from this experience and therefore take what could of be alot of negative energy into some really positive stuff. As I said before and will say again... one never fails if you learn from the experieence.. which is a positive thing.

Secondly, and more importantly.... we primarily spent time on our relationship and not focused on the baggage of the past. We didn't let the past baggage take control of the relationship. We continued to focus on the three of us... learning about each other and also plan and have great times together. And this may seem strange.. but for me... working thru tough moments of own relationship was particular bonding and rewarding. Our relationship is not seen through rose coloured glasses... we appreciate that shit happens and when it does we get some shovels and work together to move the shit.

In paradise anyone can have a great relationship... it's paradise after all.... but it's when you walk thru the valley of death together you learn the strenghts you have as individuals and as a relationship. Being that we are a LDR... we have had alot of challenges... but our committment and devotion to The Relationship.... has helped us to overcome all sorts of challenges and continues to be a tremendous rewarding relationship for the three of us. I expect nothing but the same in our future.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to asassylilslave)

Post #: 17

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 7:12:08 AM

asassylilslave

Posts: 93
Status: offline

I only ask because so often you hear others stress the need to 'not' go from one relationship to another; I find it wonderful that there are others out there who can take the bad from one and focus it into good for another. With that said...next question lol

quote:

Was very true for the three of us. It is a necessary part of failed relationships to work past them in a constructive Mainer if one wishes to minimize their effects on ones life and relationships. So, the three of us very much helped each other in this regard...kyra was particularly beautiful in her support and understanding. She is was also instrumental in helping both alandra and I to learn from this experience and therefore take what could of be alot of negative energy into some really positive stuff. As I said before and will say again... one never fails if you learn from the experience.. which is a positive thing.

I am not looking to delve into the actual 'personal' aspects that the three of you used; but rather...more along the lines of how the three of you processed the bad into good. I find often that many ( not all ) find themselves stumbling when they attempt to do this; turn a bad relationship into one of learning and positive reinforcement instead.

quote:

Secondly, and more importantly.... we primarily spent time on our relationship and not focused on the baggage of the past. We didn't let the past baggage take control of the relationship. We continued to focus on the three of us... learning about each other and also plan and have great times together. And this may seem strange.. but for me... working thru tough moments of own relationship was particular bonding and rewarding. Our relationship is not seen through rose colored glasses... we appreciate that shit happens and when it does we get some shovels and work together to move the shit.

and lastly...how did you keep yourselves from letting the past control the new relationship. What kept you focused solely on the new without looking towards the past?

again, I hope that i am not offending with the questions. I just think that many who go through such times can learn from those who have been here and used a different approach than the norm of 'give yourself time'.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 7:15:07 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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I think you need to know yourself well enough to understand how much time you need to process or obsess over things. I am taking a break and I feel good about it. By not searching, seeking and obsessing over finding that one (argh), I have found a weird freedom. I was telling a sub of mine last night that I feel weird because I no longer feel compelled to submit or search. It's weird for me, but it's also good, which I'm taking as a sign that I am doing the right thing by taking a step back from all of it.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to asassylilslave)

Post #: 19

RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 7:17:39 AM

asassylilslave

Posts: 93
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I think you need to know yourself well enough to understand how much time you need to process or obsess over things. I am taking a break and I feel good about it. By not searching, seeking and obsessing over finding that one (argh), I have found a weird freedom. I was telling a sub of mine last night that I feel weird because I no longer feel compelled to submit or search. It's weird for me, but it's also good, which I'm taking as a sign that I am doing the right thing by taking a step back from all of it.

Yes, I can not argue that for some, time off is exactly what is needed. ~ grins ~ I have been in a 'time off' space for almost a year due to the changing of my focus.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 20

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