RE: Should one take "time off" after break up?

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 7:28:55 AM

hammernhoney

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Hello this is a serious question that has had many subs/slaves scratching their heads for an answers.I would say first of all beware of jumping into a relationship just to be owned and secondly make sure you know the dom well before you commit to ownership...I would say remain active, for some times only friends can help you heal..get out in the bdsm community and go on with your life..This is advice from an ol master that has had his heart broken several time..william

< Message edited by hammernhoney -- 1/16/2007 7:29:54 AM >

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 8:02:08 AM

darksdesire

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I do think it depends on whether or not you are still emotionally wrapped up in the previous partner. When I've ended a relationship with little emotional attachment left, it's been easy to go on to the next. But...if I have a lot of feelings, a lot of grief regarding the ending of that relationship, if I am missing him, I don't see how I could possibly be open to what a new relationship would have to offer. I would have to let go of the previous person before I could move forward. Otherwise, I'd be likely to try to replace what I'd lost, rather than moving into something that is new and different, and good in it's own right.

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 8:26:34 AM

KatyLied

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For me, it has nothing to do with grief or sadness over the end of a relationship. I feel that I need time to clarify what I want/need moving forward. Something in my formula hasn't been working and I'm trying to figure it out.

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 8:34:19 AM

asassylilslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

For me, it has nothing to do with grief or sadness over the end of a relationship. I feel that I need time to clarify what I want/need moving forward. Something in my formula hasn't been working and I'm trying to figure it out.

Nicely said Katylied

My partner and I terminated our relationship over a year ago; mainly because my focus changed and we were no longer compatible. Like you, I have just been taking time to find which way I truly wish to go now; no pressure to find another except myself

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 10:49:03 AM

SusanofO

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Oh God, who knows, really? I've had it work out fine, and sometimes not, as far as "taking a break" or not (not always in a bdsm relationship - I am talking relationships in general here, although one bdsm relationship is in the mix here).

It depends on how emotionally aware of myself and my reactions I am at the time, as much as it does on how aware along that same line the other person is, too, I suppose. I don't think there's probably any hard and fast rule here that applies to everyone (although there may be some good generic advice one can tweak to one's own personal situation). I think it can work out either way, actually - whether one "takes a break", or not.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/16/2007 11:03:02 AM >

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 11:57:15 AM

ShogunSensei

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Excellent question! From my own perspective, I had a history of leaving one relationship and quickly finding another, not taking the time to work through the issues relating to the first. Consequently, I woke up several relationships down the line and realized the same patterns were present.

After my last breakup, I took the counsel of those whose opinions I trusted (parents and counsellor/mentor) and have taken a forced 6-12 month period to work on myself. Making friends along the way, but not being open to being 'in' a relationship. This has had it's ups and downs of course. I have 'not' done the rebound thing this time around. I have possibly passed up potentially compatible partners along the road.

I have learned more about me and what's really important to me. I have also found that I am now attracting those who are more similar to what I am most interested in a potential submissive or slave than who I may have chosen in the past.

The growth and learning of this process and time taken for myself has been invaluable towards my future happiness. I do agree that it is always up to the individual, yet having taken this path this time, I have found it to be invaluable in so many different ways...many that I can't and won't articulate.

And as others have said, it's absolutely up to each individual. Your mileage of course may vary.

Shogun

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/16/2007 7:20:22 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: asassylilslave

I am not looking to delve into the actual 'personal' aspects that the three of you used; but rather...more along the lines of how the three of you processed the bad into good. I find often that many ( not all ) find themselves stumbling when they attempt to do this; turn a bad relationship into one of learning and positive reinforcement instead.

It really was a matter of changing perspective of the situation. For Example...

With the old relaitonship... it was A+B+C=Z now alandra and I thought it should be D but experience showed in that relationship it was Z... it didn't makes our instincts and thoughts said D... but experience was showing it as Z. When kyra came into our life.. her perspective helped to shed some light to understand why it was A+B+C=Z... it was largely because C was Y... only thing is alandra and I couldn't see the forest for the trees you could say. The new perspective helped us uncovers some truths and relieved alot of frustration for us.. The other important fact with kyra.. it validated for us that A+B+C=D... that in of itself was incredible positive for us to move forward and learn from the experience.

The other aspect is that I am somewhat anal about learning from experiences... I don't accept failure very well and I hate to quit anything... If I feel I can learn from my experiences then I canI feel good about any situation. It really is a drive of mine to learn.. to focus positively on life and what I experience.... always looking for that positive even in the negativity. To me it is a Choice nothing more nothing less.

quote:

and lastly...how did you keep yourselves from letting the past control the new relationship. What kept you focused solely on the new without looking towards the past?

again, I hope that i am not offending with the questions. I just think that many who go through such times can learn from those who have been here and used a different approach than the norm of 'give yourself time'.

simple... I chose not to allow it The past is not the relationship. My relationship exists in the NOW. It really was not so hard actually. We reminded each other if anyone was dwelling on anything that was not directly related to our relationship in the here and now. What happen in the past is in the past... but our relationship is in the Now and we have a future. In time we can all say we have Past... and actually we have a past now... a past that is full of great moments... moments that we savor but also know that we are going to make more in the future.. we live in the NOW! It's a choice!

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/17/2007 7:54:58 AM

asassylilslave

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quote:

It really was a matter of changing perspective of the situation

this I can understand fully; and I don't mean to be offensive; but I can understand that sometimes an 'outsider' has a better perspective of things than those of us who are involved heavily. A good friend of mine once told me that if you want some straight, honest and unbiased advice; ask a stranger

( of course, I realize that kyra was not a stranger in that sense )

quote:

simple... I chose not to allow it The past is not the relationship. My relationship exists in the NOW. It really was not so hard actually. We reminded each other if anyone was dwelling on anything that was not directly related to our relationship in the here and now. What happen in the past is in the past... but our relationship is in the Now and we have a future. In time we can all say we have Past... and actually we have a past now... a past that is full of great moments... moments that we savor but also know that we are going to make more in the future.. we live in the NOW! It's a choice!

wonderful advice KnightofMists.

thank you for taking the time to answer my questions; it is much appreciated

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/17/2007 8:21:26 AM

akisha

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I think how much time one needs between relationships really depends on the depth of the relationship one was previously in and how it eneded and how well you are coping with the termination of it.

When my marriage eneded, I was angry because of the yellow bellied way he ended it, but as soon as I was back on my feet and taking care of myself and the little one I was pretty much fine. Total of three weeks, but I didn't start dating again for 3 months.

Plus I don't think you can set a hard standing time limit. Would you really be willing to tell some great wonderful person that you clicked with when you weren't trying to meet someone that sorry you have top wait 5 more months before you can start seeing them? That's just silly. Rarely will someone wait for you to get your shit together. They might try, and they might even do it for a while, but our lives are ever changing and evolving. Life moves on and we're forced to move with it or get left behind.

I have agreed to wait for someone before, and it's hard and there comes a time eventually when you have to decide to move on with out them.

There are no hard and fast rules for anyting in life. We all do what we feel we need to do to survive. If you think it's the right thing for you to start dating again a week later after a break up do it. If you feel you need a year to heal and regroup then that is what is right for you as well. No one can tell you what is or is not right for yourself.

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/17/2007 8:57:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I echo Knight.

My partner still goes to divorce support meetings despite being legally divorced nearly two years now. I also keep pictures of him and his ex-wife hanging proudly in our apartment.

I do this to honor and recognize his past, a part of himself which he still greatly loves and is sad to have lost, to show that I'm not at all threatened and in fact want to cherish ALL parts of him, and to show that we are not in our house and our relationship together and I have no fear of that ending due to the past.

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/17/2007 9:06:29 AM

kittensmailbox

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The more i work, the faster i move on.... To be honest, i really don't cry over relationships.... Death sure, but never over a relantionships... i use to be a softy and get real emotional, but my former Master hated that i would get emotional... Except if it was sexual emotional.... ~rolls her eyes....

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/17/2007 5:00:34 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: asassylilslave

... but I can understand that sometimes an 'outsider' has a better perspective of things than those of us who are involved heavily. wonderful advice KnightofMists.

actually I wouldn't say "Better Perspective"... I would say "Different Perspective".... on some occassions kyra's thougths did show a more accurate perspective... other times just dead wrong... but more importantly Her perspectives helped to move us out of the box and consider other angles that we never considered.

quote:

thank you for taking the time to answer my questions; it is much appreciated

your welcome

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/17/2007 5:21:40 PM

dawntreader

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extremely informative thread...

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RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? - 1/17/2007 6:57:18 PM

NightWindWhisper

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Looking back, there are many good posts... Here's my two bits:

Kubler-Ross defined the often accepted stages of grief which are widely accepted. She claims that though a person will always experience at least two stages, though they do not necessarily experience all stages. She states that the stages are (remember they need not be in specific order) :

Denial: (The “this can’t be happening” stage) “he can’t do this to me”
Anger: (The “why me” stage) “how dare he do this to me”
Bargaining: (I’ll do this if you’ll do that stage) “I’ll be good, just let me stay”
Depression: (The defeated stage) “I can’t stand this..”
Acceptance: (This is really happening stage) “I’ve had enough, I need to accept this..”

We grieve little things quickly. For instance “darn, the wind took that dollar bill right out of my hand; damn wind; Oh god let there be another one in my wallet; Why does this happen to me, this is awful, Oh well, it’s just a dollar, and I’ve found another.” We grieve big things such as what you are experiencing more profoundly and much more slowly.

I believe that for some reason a d/s relationship takes longer to get over than does a vanilla relationship but I don’t know why.

What is important is to realize that grieving is a part of living. Your heart knows if it needs to take a long time—if it does honor that. If it doesn’t then fine, that is you.

I have found being in similar straights recently that actually moving closer to the scene has been helpful. It is best to be straightforward and simple: “it did not work out.” Sometimes it is very hard as he may be involved in the scene and that might make things worse. Perhaps there are alternate scenes? I find that talking with others helps, but I also sense this to be a “crazy period,” and I allow myself leeway to be erratic. At a recent local d/s group dinner and subsequent play party, I found that I was very happy that I went, though when it moved to “play” time, I preferred to seek the solace of solitude.

“Time does heal all.” But I believe that one is not healed after a five year relationship for at least a year. Though this does not mean that you do not need to go “into hiding,” but it would be wise to wait until a comfortable period of time passes before making significant decisions. You are likely to know when that time is by looking at the chatter in your head. If you go two weeks without thinking about him, your process is probably done.

Look to your heart. It will tell you. Look for hugs, they are healing.

With time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown. (Chinese proverb)

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