ProtagonistLily
Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:
What life lessons have you been taught through the scope of bdsm? Has your Dominant or Submissive been instrumental in your learning?
Respectfully,
Willng2serve1
First off, I'd like to thanks W2S1 for opening this thread. I've been wracking my brain for a couple of days because I've wanted to put something out here, and thanks to her, this is really a natural fit for what I've been trying to articulate. Thanks.
Even though I'm fully integrated into my local scene, and have been for years, the community here at CM has been monumentally important to me while I have been exploring some things that I didn't necessarily want to have to let my scene friends know about. Who really wants to be vulnerable in front of those who look to you as an established member of a group? Therefore, before I start, I want to thank all of you, some of whom I've become close to, and others who I just know from your writings, for being there for me, whether you knew you were or not. Thanks.
I began my journey in BDSM as a submissive. Not because it was a 'chosen' role, but because inside of me, it's who, and what, I am. Even though in my vanilla existance I'm strong, a fighter, smart, articulate, and I don't back down from a challenge, am organized and an organizer, I can not translate these characteristics into the Dominant part of a power exchange relationship.
How did I find this out? Well, I either forgot, or I disregarded the the fact that regardless of whether I can give a great spanking or swing a good crop, I'm at best a Top (in a non-D/s context). And that's great, except being skilled with a toy and being able to do a scene does not a sexual Dominant make.
I sort of want to openly apologize to the men who had to endure my search process while I'd forgotten the fundementals. These were all nice men, good submissives; however, I wasn't feeling it. The other night, a friend phoned me to ask how the latest meet had gone. I let him know that, yet again, it wasn't successful. He said to me, "I don't want to hurt you, and I'm not trying to, but I have to tell you, I can smell the submissive all over you." Boom....Bang. However, I wasn't upset; strangely, I was relieved.
I'd been collared 3 years ago and it was an emotionally difficult relationship for any number of reasons that aren't important here. What is important for me to reveal is that I was emotional, human detritus when that collar finally came off. I wasn't fit for human, let alone BDSM consumption. So I took three years to get rid of the baggage, get my head back, and heal my heart.
Last year I was in a work situation that pretty much forced me to put my kink existance on hold. I was doing what in some circles was considered "God's Work" and I was busy 16 hours a day. So, when I returned from that job in November, I was ready to get my kink back on.
But, because of where I ended up out of my last D/s relationship, I was gun shy. As a sub, I'm kind of a hard sell. What I've found (and forgive me for generalizing, but I'm speaking from my personal experience) is that because I'm not willing to defer to every man or woman who calls himself a Dominant, that I'm choosy about who I play with and I'm not afraid to express my opinions, I get passed over for the more docile submissives. And this is ok, except who wants to go to a party and never play? So, I decided that I might as well Top while I was waiting around.
My mistake (and I'm certainly not saying that this is the case for anyone but myself) was that again, I confused being able to Top and enjoy it, with being Dominant.
So, I've shifted my definition of myself to Switch. I'm a submissive whose a talented Top. I think the submissive boys that I've inflicted myself on in these last few months, and those potential ones that have filled my mail box will give a collective sigh of reliefe. You have all been amazing boys. I wish I could have figured out what to do with you ~grin~
A special thanks to LA, Topcat, and Songbird. You guys have been great, thanks for the support and understanding. Taggard, what can I say babe, you are the BOMB.
Lily
_____________________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~
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