RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self

RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (Full Version)

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Mercnbeth -> RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (1/23/2007 8:04:30 PM)
quote: ...Is the issue of forgetting one's sense of self a valid concern when a person is focusing on the needs and wants of another before their own?...orig:MadRabbit this slave believes the answer to your question to be entirely subjective. the following is the initial reply this slave gave, reposted from the previous thread titled "losing your self", which, by the way, if you haven't read it, is an interesting thread on the idea and also some interaction between LA, KoM and this slave regarding the concept that someone could accurately define that term and what it represents for another outside of the individual and/or the relationship represented. ihttp://www.collarchat.com/m_528991/mpage_1/key_losing%252Cself/tm.htm#529743f quote: if this slave wanted to retain some sort of independent "self" identity which included actively pursuing other things than serving in order to keep happy she would have drawn the line at sub, set up limits for the Dom to adhere to...or else...and consequently would have never been accepted as Master's slave. "losing the self" is a part of the third-person speech restriction this slave adheres to...as a posession of Master, He gives her ample opportunities to serve in a variety of ways. that, in and of itself, is a blessing, a gift and more than enough for this slave to be happy.

BreatheinToMe -> RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (1/24/2007 2:58:49 AM)
It is not exclusive to " lifestyle" relationships. It also happens with caregivers in vanilla. You are so focused on the needs of the other, that you keep going deeper and deeper in the backdrop. But now I just look at it as, something to watch for and discuss with your partner.

TreasurePet -> RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (1/24/2007 1:24:02 PM)
A slave/submissive/bottom absolutely can lose ones' self int he pleasing of another if s/he takes the others needs and desires and submerses her/his own personality. I am who I am because of the WAY in which I do them, not because of WHAT I do. Everyone is different. I tried to be someone else once, but I couldn't do it ... It's a good thing. My Owner likes who I am and makes decisions for me with the knowledge of who I am and with the intent to foster who I am .. not wanting to change who I am. A slave/submissive/bottom only loses who they are when they belong to those who do not truly support who they are, IMO.

seeks2serv -> RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (1/24/2007 1:43:38 PM)
Hello. As i read Your post it struck me funny. As a slave i believe i was born with the need to submit. Just like a gay person is born with thier desires so is a sub/slave. i believe that the way we are raised and the laws of vanilla that we lose our sense of self. Finding the right Person who accepts our submission and accepts us for who we are enables us to find our true selfs and finally feel free to be who we are.

scarpachii -> RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (3/17/2007 4:14:51 PM)
My slave and I are trying to watch this carefully. She feels afraid that she will lose herself. I try very hard to be supportive of her and stress that she can always come to me and discuss the problem if she starts to feel that she is losing herself. This can of course work the other way. There are times that I make sure that I stay in check. Power over another and having them submit to your every need can create an "ego". That is not what our relstionship is about and we have had many discussions on this topic. It is very important that we both get what we want out of our relationship without losing who either of us are. Know what to look for and communicate at the first signs of a problem. That is what we have found to be the best for us.

raevnn -> RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (3/17/2007 4:38:55 PM)
I've recently (in the last two years) noticed a very small, sort of quiet trend amongst slaves and submissives that involves 'losing oneself' as well as losing the whole point of a D/s relationship. They seem to become so focused on being this perfectly obedient slave that they forget everything else; themselves, their lives, their joys and hobbies and, sometimes, even what their master wishes. They end up doing everything they believe they should do and that seems to include... everything. It also seems that this behavior ends up emasculating their owners (if they are male as I've noticed this more amongst the 'female slave to male master' set) and there is no passion, no mastery, no bdsm, no sex, and no joy - there is only the slave doing everything possible to please/make her owner's life easier. It's almost as if the slave has all the control of the relationship. There is enough of this 'going around' that it scared me. I communed with these sorts of slaves for long enough that I truly believed I would need to lose myself and all of my joys and desires before I could be 'truly' enslaved. So, it's a very real fear and it could happen. I'm not saying it's the slave's/submissive's fault, either - it would end up being a lack of mastery or power or dominance on the owner's behalf as much as slaves need to be 'perfect.' A lazy master and a perfectionist slave make for a dangerous combination. Devotion is one thing, but if the dominant person in that relationship cares for their submissive and loves and wants them as a whole person, they will nurture those things that make the submissive who they are - their joys and hobbies. For instance: I love to paint and draw. My owner requires me to do this every week because I sometimes let it slip. He wants to possess a whole person, not just a robot or someone to mother him.

myobedience -> RE: Fear of Losing Sense of One's Self (3/18/2007 6:13:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Is the issue of forgetting one's sense of self a valid concern when a person is focusing on the needs and wants of another before their own? I had written something about the fetish of braless and pantiless on another thread. Ties in nicely here in ONE aspect. My sense of self, and self worth WAS greatly diminished when it was not to his wants and needs as a dominant but to his wanton carnal lust and his few fetishes. Obedience was demanded. Obedience was given and I suffered a great sense of self disgust at times. If I told him I disobeyed, the punishment was that I was to be ignored on all levels until he felt like communicating. Never listening to why I could not have done what he demanded sexually..... for example: braless, pantiless and short skirted as a nurse in an elementary school; seduce a woman who I have known for years whose beliefs would prevent her from even being bi-curious; seduce my grown nephew...... This was totally inappropriate for me and instead of listening to why, I was sold into silence for extended periods of time. Yes, this tore away at my self respect, self identity and sense of worth. I can understand why submissives are scared their sense of self will be eaten away at when they know such things as I just presented are likely or could happen to be done to her. I loathed myself for a few months and sought help. I DIDNOT need to be treated that way, esp when I seemed (and was) to be an option to him. Sir, of course, demanded to know more as we communicated more and when he found this out, he told me it would NEVER happen for my sense of self and self worth was more important to him than any sexual fetish. He demands a submissive with a healthy sense of worth and identity and has promised he will not do anything to tear it down. I now can focus on his needs and wants, knowing he wants me healthy emotionally.

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