JustaDom
Posts: 84
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
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livinincincy, I agree a with a lot of what you wrote here. There is a difference between addressing someone with a term of respect such as "sir" or "ma'am" and addressing someone respectfully. I don't see sir or ma'am as respectful terms anymore outside of military service, they have become generic forms of address in the vanilla world. I deal with the public a lot in my job and when I use sir or ma'am it means that I'm not really interested in learning your name, I won't remember your name or I can't pronounce your name so I'm going to address you by your gender but still be respectful.
With me, the most respectful way a submissive can address me is by my first name. I try to give them the hint by introducing myself as Joe and failing that, the first time they address me as sir I politely suggest "please, call me Joe." If they continue to address me as sir after that I start to feel like Peppermint Patty in Peanuts with them being Marcie. I understand that by addressing me as sir that they are trying to show respect and I appreciate the thought but when I'm just meeting them, respect isn't warranted. They don't know me well enough for me to have earned much if any respect from them and in my mind, respect isn't appropriate at that point.
What I prefer is respectful behavior. The first thing I want from a submissive/slave/bottom/top/dominant/vanilla person when I meet them (outside of work) whether in person or online is to know their first name so I can address them by it. I don't start addressing a submissive by calling them slut or any of that disrespectful nonsense, I want to address them as respectfully as I expect to be addressed. I think, as a dominant and as a gentleman, that I should set the tone of how I interact with a submissive by setting an example. Effectively, I expect to be addressed respectfully and I have expectations of myself to also address them respectfully.
There are some submissives that have known me for some time that I am fine with them addressing me as sir. As an example, I still occasionally chat and talk to an ex of mine because we're still friends, we parted on good terms some six years ago and still have some mutual friends and all of that even though the romantic portion of our relationship is over. She developed a genuine respect for me when we were involved and started addressing me as Sir relatively quickly and still does, she even pronounces it with a capital "S". :) When I've actually earned someone's respect, then I feel being addressed with what they feel is term of respect is then appropriate, not until then. I agree with you, if it is simply habit or semantics then it is at best a hollow form of address.
There are some collared submissives and slaves I've known who are required by their owners to address other dominants as sir or ma'am. While I understand that they don't have a choice in the matter, I still let them know what my preference is and send them back to their owner to get an exception made. With one though, I couldn't resist messing with her and her owner's non-specific directions. His exact words to her were "you will address all dominants as sir or ma'am." I saw a loophole, because he never stated to address all male dominants as sir and female dominants as ma'am, so I had her address me as ma'am for the entire night at a BDSM event. If I don't ask to be a part of someone's protocol and they try to extend or impose theirs on me then I have no qualms about messing with them a little and extending my sense of humor or imposing it on them.
When she was caught addressing me as ma'am by her owner, the look on his face as the poor girl had to explain the situation was absolutely priceless. I hope they had enough of a sense of humor about it to laugh about it afterwards. I do know he corrected that order on the spot.
What it boils down to is either a case of manners or protocol. Regardless of gender or orientation, good manners are essential. A submissive offering to address a dominant as sir or ma'am or asking them how they would prefer to be addressed is almost always appropriate. A well mannered submissive will pick up on what I say and how I act to determine that I'm most comfortable addressing them and being addressed by them as an equal and a peer. Unless they are submitting to me and surrendering power and authority to me or we are at an event with a specific protocol, then we are equals.
Protocol is different. When one attends a high protocol event, one consents to the protocol and that becomes part of the fun. Whether kneeling, terms of address or whatever it is, any required proper protocol at an event is sufficiently explained beforehand and if you show up, you are consenting to it. When I attend those events, it is like the old saying that suddenly becomes very appropriate: "when in Rome, do as the Romans do." If there is no protocol stated for an event then good vanilla manners are always appropriate.
My name is not sir. I haven't been knighted by the Queen of England and I'm not in the military anymore. Even when I was in, I wasn't an officer -- I worked for a living. :) I agree with you, livinincincy and I enjoyed reading your post.
Sincerely,
Joe
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