When Friends Think Abuse

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

When Friends Think Abuse

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> When Friends Think Abuse

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:37:25 AM

Coupleseeking321

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline

Recently several of Master's friends have come up to me with concerns about how he treats me. They don't know about our lifestyle and they are misinterpreting the things they see. I have no idea what to tell them other than I'm happy and safe in my relationship. I told Master about this and he's very hurt and no longer wants to associate with these people, I still do. How the heck do I keep our friends and allay their concerns?
Any thoughts would be great.
Leahslave

Post #: 1

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:38:30 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

When LA comes she will tag about a thousand discussions of this very phenomenon for you....

Ron

http://www.collarchat.com/m_676682/mpage_1/key_diapers/tm.htm#676728

there is one, but I aint no whiz like she is.

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 1/22/2007 8:40:25 AM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 2

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:40:50 AM

cjenny

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

I think if your Master understands why they ask he will be more forgiving about you not seeing them. If it were me, I would wait til I am with a most gossipy girl then share that oooooohmy yes we have some rough sex but dang its hot stuff. *then leave it to their imaginations*. Friends care.. it is that simple. I hope you don't isolate from them because of how your Master feels, it is so important to have friends and these obviously care about you.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 3

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:42:12 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

How does he treat you in front of them? Because if he's snapping his fingers at you and calling you bitch, then they have right to complain, if for nothing more than that he didn't get their consent to shove your sex life in their faces.

I'm always treated with respect in front of friends and family as well as when we're alone. If I get up quietly to refill his cup, nobody notices. If he asks me politely to get him more tea nobody notices that either.

Now if what's happening is that you folks play rough with black eyes and split lips the result, the only way to allay their suspicions of abuse is to smile happily and say "rough sex and I love it".

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 4

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:46:21 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Your master wants you to end friendships because they are honest about their concerns and give you a chance to explain?

You should come out to them about this being a particular relationship in which you serve him. You should do what you have been doing- explain that you are very happy, and that you made this choice freely for yourself.

Time is your best friend here- time will show them that this is a positive situation for you.

Your master should also get to know your friends as well, so that they can see he isn't a monster and that he has your well being as a priority.

If your friends truly cannot accept this as who you are, or accept that your choices will be your own- then it may be enough to end the friendship.

But I find it quite concerning that your masters first impulse regarding friends not understanding a situation which is very out of the norm and which has not been explained to them is to simply cut them out of your life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 5

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:46:29 AM

TwoSeekOne

Posts: 24
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

If he is open to it, might want to work out some alternative behavior rules for when vanilla friends are present. We've learned to operate differently under vanilla company than lifestyle company, in a way that has gotten rather easy, relaxed, and comfortable. Just take some time and see if you can work it out. Otherwise, you will need to re-evaluate your relationship with him. If you are his complete slave, may have to agree to his guidance (right or wrong) and not see those friends any more. If you are just exploring the slavery, then you might choose to re-assert your need for keeping those friends versus your desireto be a slave to him.

Rick

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 6

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:46:32 AM

LadyAyla7053

Posts: 52
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coupleseeking321

Recently several of Master's friends have come up to me with concerns about how he treats me. They don't know about our lifestyle and they are misinterpreting the things they see. I have no idea what to tell them other than I'm happy and safe in my relationship. I told Master about this and he's very hurt and no longer wants to associate with these people, I still do. How the heck do I keep our friends and allay their concerns?
Any thoughts would be great.
Leahslave

One of the first things that could be done is that you and your Master sit down and talk to your friends. I can understand why your Master is hurt over this. Being accused of abuse is a hard thing to take, however not associating with these people may hurt both of you more in the future.

Lady A

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 7

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:48:50 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coupleseeking321

Recently several of Master's friends have come up to me with concerns about how he treats me. They don't know about our lifestyle and they are misinterpreting the things they see. I have no idea what to tell them other than I'm happy and safe in my relationship. I told Master about this and he's very hurt and no longer wants to associate with these people, I still do. How the heck do I keep our friends and allay their concerns?

To some degree, you will have to be more open about what you do to your friends, unless you desire the scandal to continue—which can be fun in its own right, sometimes. I don't see why you can't be more open about what you do to those who ask; popular culture today accepts "alternative lifestyles" far more than it used to. Let them judge you if they want. Times like these test the mettle of those we call friends.

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 8

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:48:55 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

I would suggest if these are HIS friends this is HIS issue to handle, not yours unless he asks you to.
If these are your friends I'd say come out of the closet you lie in in fear they will view you different and tell them the truth. If indeed they are real friends they will respect your choice is yours to make even if they don't agree it would be for them personally.
Deception and holding back the truth from people you consider your real friends does not make very good sense to me, especially if you're not ashamed of your preferences.
suzanne

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 9

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:53:03 AM

Coupleseeking321

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline

I should clarify, these are his friends, or friends we have in common. He's hurt because they haven't come to him about it and they basically told me I should leave him. He's never been rude to me in front of them but he will make requests of me. Or sometimes I'll ask for something and he'll say no. I don't think he's crossed a line in his public treatment of me. I guess I could be wrong though.

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 10

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:54:29 AM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

If I read the OP correctly, she said "Master's Friends". If this is the case, I can understand his hurt feelings. I would hope however that he could see the positive in knowing that his friends care so much about his girl that they are willing to put themselves out there to ask if the OP is okay.

If this were me, I would tread carefully but honestly. I do think that telling them that your happy and safe is great. If they are presistant, I would consider talking to yoru Master and then sitting down his firends and carefully explain that in yoru relationship you've made adult choices, explain a few, not all but a few of the choices and leave it at that.

I wish you the best of luck,
Dancer

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to LadyAyla7053)

Post #: 11

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 8:59:13 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coupleseeking321
I should clarify, these are his friends, or friends we have in common. He's hurt because they haven't come to him about it and they basically told me I should leave him. He's never been rude to me in front of them but he will make requests of me. Or sometimes I'll ask for something and he'll say no. I don't think he's crossed a line in his public treatment of me. I guess I could be wrong though.

Hurt is understandable.

Now he should understand their perspective, and go directly to them. You should have told them what you did (it's fine, we're happy) AND then told them to go talk directly to him because you know he'll be unhappy to think that they couldn't go to him directly.

Ending friendships over hurt feelings and misunderstandings is a waste. If they mean something to you, they are worth the effort. Your friends haven't done anything wrong here, IMO, though it might not have been the best approach.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 12

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 9:01:33 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

My friends know enough about my sexuality to not be surprised if they were to observe marks or bruises on my body.
I understand your partners being hurt, over the friends assumptions. Maybe he's just reluctant to be friends with people who would be so assuming and judgemental.?

Good luck

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 13

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 9:07:39 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

First of all, these friends are the ones at fault, not your Master. I can understand why he is upset with their assuming instead of asking. He has every right to be. If you live in a large community, no longer associating with them might be the best idea. However, if you live in a smaller community, rumors of abuse (even though they are false) could be very damaging to his reputation. In that case, not straightening out these false assumptions could be a huge mistake.

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 14

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 9:08:05 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coupleseeking321

I should clarify, these are his friends, or friends we have in common. He's hurt because they haven't come to him about it and they basically told me I should leave him. He's never been rude to me in front of them but he will make requests of me. Or sometimes I'll ask for something and he'll say no. I don't think he's crossed a line in his public treatment of me. I guess I could be wrong though.

Have your ever considered they came to you hoping you'd leave him so they might have a chance to have such a good girl for themselves?
Not necessarily what they are doing, but they are definitely consorting with you against him and he has a right to have his hackles up over their behavior. As you state they claim to be his friends first, yet they go behind his back and talk bad about him.
It's just not a good position they put themselves in.
I agree with him. If my friends didn't care enough to ask me what was up and went behind my back trying to cost me my relationship I wouldn't consider them trustworthy real friends either.
Even if he told them the truth about his preferences and they finally understood their misdirected approach would leave me leery of their claim to being a real friend for a long time to come.
suzanne

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 15

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 9:08:14 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

You cannot live this "lifestyle" ( in public in front of friends and family) and expect to keep the majority of your 'nilla friends and family....end of story. There is an equation to everything in life ...loss vs. reward or gain. As for myself (strictly myself!) When out with friends...all whom are 'nilla, I open doors...and will pull out a chair(not when she is standing up and not paying attention...lol)

My guy friends might possibly understand but maybe not(but then it would probably be out of some sense of curiousity as to more of the dynamics of the relationship) but the women would probably never understand and view her in a poor light as well as myself...Not worth it! Others will argue, but for myself this is just a sexual "kink"(mandatory...It does flow into the every day aspects of the dom/sub relationship) but not an all encompassing 24/7, spend every waking moment pondering this thang....and by no means does it define who I am as a man.

Now your Dom obviously feels different when it comes to his or your friends....So the equation again rears it's head...What is the worth of these people compared to your commitment to him as well as this "lifestyle?"

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 1/22/2007 9:16:47 AM >

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 16

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 9:32:16 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I'm with LA on this one. Your Master is not acting very much like one if all he is doing is acting hurt, pouting, and wanting to end the friendships. It is his responsibility to approach your friends and talk it out in a calm, responsible manner.

I would add, that, even though you don't seem to think that he is acting out of line when the two of you are with your friends, if they are noticing to the point of being concerned enough to ask you about it, it does seem that he is indeed overdoing it in public. What is appropriate and what isn't is a fine line, and different people draw that line in different places. The two of you should talk about this.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 17

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 9:38:09 AM

Devilslilsister

Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Have your ever considered they came to you hoping you'd leave him so they might have a chance to have such a good girl for themselves?

This is a very common thing. When guys want something, especially a girl, they usually will stoop to amazing levels. I've walked away from a few male friends in the past year because of this behavior. i've had a couple of Master's friends try and convince me i should leave him and then in less then a breathe away - cite why i should be with so and so. Talk about losing respect for them.

Yet i never tell Master. i deal with it and as LA says, time is your friend. Time will prove their charactor and i neednt do anything but sit back and wait. With His friends, time has proven the charactor of the people that spoke to me and honestly Master hasnt much to do with them anymore. Not because of me, but because of their actions in other situations. Crappy people do crappy things.

Time is truth. In most situations to find out the way of things, the best bet is to sit back and let time tell the truth.

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 18

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 10:06:10 AM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Boy, have we all got the winter doldrums or what? The past page has had some really nasty replies to what I take as a basically innocuous question. (And yes, there's been some good and thoughtful advice interspersed with the doldrums, too).

I'll assume (unlike various people who posted in the past several hours) that the OP and her partner are not flaunting their relationship in some non-consensual way, that he is not an insensitive clod who wants to cut her off from her friends, that she is not fomenting drama between her Dominant and his friends, and that the friends in question aren't trying to break this couple apart so they can have a shot at her (tho I think that latter interpretation leads to interesting speculation about the beliefs of the people raising it). Oh, and while I'm at it, the idea that being involved in a B/D/S/M life means you must lose your vanilla family and friends is total garbage -- but its sure a convenient excuse for someone who's fucked up his or her personal life beyond all recognition (Hey, I'm kinky, so they hate me! Its not that I'm to blame)

To the gentleman of the couple "in question": If these friends are meaningful to you, then you owe it to yourself, your girl and your friends to address the issue. If they think you are abusive, you have to clarify the nature of your relationship with her. While its really none of their business, explaining to them that your relationship is consensual, and your behavior to her (and hers to you) part of what you both signed on for, is worth the effort. If they are curious, give them some reading material or refer them to an online source that will help explain.

Of course if your friends are just wankers trying to get her away from you, fuck 'em.
E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)

Post #: 19

RE: When Friends Think Abuse - 1/22/2007 10:15:07 AM

Caitriona

Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Your master wants you to end friendships because they are honest about their concerns and give you a chance to explain?

You should come out to them about this being a particular relationship in which you serve him. You should do what you have been doing- explain that you are very happy, and that you made this choice freely for yourself.

Time is your best friend here- time will show them that this is a positive situation for you.

Your master should also get to know your friends as well, so that they can see he isn't a monster and that he has your well being as a priority.

If your friends truly cannot accept this as who you are, or accept that your choices will be your own- then it may be enough to end the friendship.

But I find it quite concerning that your masters first impulse regarding friends not understanding a situation which is very out of the norm and which has not been explained to them is to simply cut them out of your life.

I agree with LA on this one. You don't have to get into explicit detail, but it would make things less tense for everyone if your friends are aware of what is expected of you in your relationship. I would stress that this was a decision entered into together and you are not unhappy or abused. I would suggest that you and your Dominant have this conversation together with those friends.

Standing on the outside if I confronted a friend about abuse and then was cut out of that friend's life...it would only intensify my suspicions.

Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> When Friends Think Abuse

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.092