Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know you're ready?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know you're ready? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know you'r... - 1/22/2007 11:24:50 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I've been on CM for over a year now. And for that entire time, I've been seeking "just friends" - and I've met a few. Sometimes, I've felt like changing my profile, and stating I was seeking a partner, but something always held me back.

I mean, this past year has been a real challenge. I lost my husband of 15 years to bone cancer, and then I got re-involved (briefly) with my first (and only) ex-Dominant - a situation that ended in non-consensual physical abuse, where I almost ended up with a broken arm and ribs, and now - my dog is sick, and probably has cancer (I realize this last thing won't make sense to some people as far as being upsetting, but believe me, it is upsetting).

However, I am really feeling I still need to start seeking someone. I do feel major parts of me are indeed "ready for that". BUT -

I am Scared. I really am. I haven't "dated" anyone is a long, long time (as far as my ex-Dominant is concerned, I'd known him for years before I ever knew he was into Bdsm, so that wasn't an issue in that situation, for me). 

I don't know what to do -  I feel like I don't know what I am doing, or what to look for, etc. - I am just at a loss. I am kind of worried I'll end up with someone who isn't really "my type" because I am lonely, or else I will miss someone who could be the "love of my life" due to my own stupidity, somehow. Maybe it sounds silly, but I feel like a complete novice when it comes to this "seeking" stuff.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks. 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/22/2007 12:04:45 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 11:28:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If you act like a mature, responsible adult and make the choices you know will be right for you in the long term and fulfill who you are...then you're fine.

The only thing you have to be scared of is your own bad judgement.  If you can't trust your judgement, then don't make any serious relationship choices until you can.  If you can trust your judgement, then everything will flow from that.

My advice for Novice Female Submissives

Newbie!

At a loss

I'm a new domme seeking advice

Does a slave also have to be a fool?

sub: totally new concept

Questions for other newbies

The Journey

Starting Out

New to the Life, Help

How to deal?

Request for Advice

Advice please: Relationships, bdsm, love and boundaries

First time sub seeking you advice- how to find the right master?

First time sub seeking advice

a newbie seeking advice

How can I be a great sub?

Brand new life

Help needed

Emotional Rollercoaster

Welcoming newbies

New to this

Just a few questions

Do's and Dont's

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 11:29:27 AM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		I suppose the question is:  can you date while still so vulnerable?

You can, of course.  Should you?  Perhaps not.  In your present state, you might be tempting bait for another abuser.  Even so, coming at new relationships with the honesty to admit you're hurt/suffering still is important, and I hope you do.

Of course, you know your mind best.  Have you considered counseling as a way to talk out your fears with someone whose motives are clear?

Best of luck with your choice - not an easy one.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 11:31:37 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks, LA, I appreciate that. And thanks for the links.

OdeipusRexit - I was in counselling, for over six months, this year. It was "grief counseling" (but, it delved into "other areas" as well). It helped me a lot - it really did. I recently decided I'd had enough counselling, but I could be wrong about that.

I am just not sure. I may hold off on "seeking" for another month or two, But - I am starting to feel my life never really started. I mean, I was married for 15 years to someone who wasn't interested in me sexually, at all, through (almost) no fault of my own.

I didn't date anyone at all from the time I was 18 until I was almost 25 (for personal reasons), and the one Dominant I had a relationship with - well, it ended badly. I know there has to be more to life than this - and a big part of me is tired of waiting for my life to start. Sorry to whine...  

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/22/2007 11:47:24 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 11:33:18 AM   
QuietDom


Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		This may sound a little patronizing, but why not start with 'practice dates' as a warm-up.  That is to say, get some of your platonic male friends to do date-like activities with you, one-on-one.  It may seem a bit silly, but it can help you get comfortable with the idea of dating before you try out genuine potential partners.

And don't push yourself unnecessarily.  You've clearly been through a lot recently, so don't feel you need to date until you've come to some sort of peace with it all.  Leaping back into the pool prematurely won't be doing yourself any favours.

(And take my advice very lightly.  My own romantic history is a bad farce, so I have no claim whatsoever to expertise.)

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 11:38:16 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		QuietDom: That's a good idea. Thanks a lot.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to QuietDom)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 12:04:48 PM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		susan, from reading your profile, it doesn't seem to me that you even have a clue of what it is you want.

Actively Seeking:
Dominant Women
Dominant Men
Submissive Women
Submissive Men
Switch Women
Switch Men
Dominant Trans
Submissive Trans
Dom/Dom Couples
Sub/Sub Couples
Femdom Couples
Male-Dom Couples
Friends Only

My best advice to you is to start with the one on this list you feel most drawn to. Get to know the dynamics of that relationship, then start to read a ton of profiles. You should not let fear govern your life, but neither should ignorance. I think you have a lot of personal reflection yet to do before you are ready to jump into actively seeking. I also think this is the wrong time because of the emotional roller coaster you are on right now; people don't tend to make good decisions in that state.

Best wishes, Sir Dominic

p.s. I for one, DO understand about your dog. When a pet is a member of the family, losing them is as painful as losing a sibling or a child. If you don't have anyone to talk to about it, please feel free to email me privately.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 12:06:13 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		SirDominic: I meant by checking all of those that I wasn't being "exclusive" as far as who I would be just friends with. That's all that means - I didn't want to exclude anyone as far as being friends with them.

As far as who I'd want an actual romantic or bdsm relationship with, I am positive I am submissive, and probably also a Switch.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/22/2007 12:26:37 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 12:16:36 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I think there are many ways we can allow ourselves to be productive.

There seem to be twice that number landmines that cause us to be unproductive.

To use your analogy, the water 'could' seem fine, but more likely it's either too hot or too cold.  So, you wait.

It's easy to wait.  After all, tomorrow's another day.  Of course, tomorrow will have it's 'tomorrow' as well.

Patience means perfect, right?

I understand your struggle, both having seen your issues and questions over the past year, as well as watching my own life go by.

Depending on your perspective, the solution may be too cutesie to contemplate, or right on the money.

You know you're ready when being alone simply won't do.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 12:27:47 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks, mstrjax. I just updated my profile, btw. Maybe by the end of the week, I will change it back, but I just feel a need to make a change, right now. But, people may be right - I am probably still dealing with the emotional fallout of this past year. I am confused - how the heck do I really know? But, I could put this off forever, too. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to screw with the head of whoever I could end up with, either, though - that is my biggest fear, really. But I really think I am too transparent for that (I really do).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/22/2007 12:48:25 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 12:49:07 PM   
Coupleseeking321


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline 		As someone who rushed into the water with open arms I'm very excited for you. You are a beautiful woman and I think you deserve to be desired and to have a litle fun. Dating is always scary no matter what the dynamic but if you really want it than don't let it hold you back.

I'll pass on my Mom's advice "you're a stunner, so go stun em." Yes she's that corny.

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 12:52:15 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Coupleseeking321: Why golly - thynak you! I really appreciate that! It is very encouraging to hear. Thanks.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Coupleseeking321)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 12:58:33 PM   
xonemasterx


Posts: 59
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Boston, Massachusetts, USA
Status: offline 		You can dive in and risk it or inch your way in.  The key is self awareness.  If you have a friend/advisor/councelor to bounce things off of, that a good situation.  It is hard to see ourselves.

You made your first step in asking the question.  Find a way that makes you feel comfortable and rewarded.

There is no reward without risk.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 1:30:11 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		xonemasterx: Thanks for the reply, and good advice. I appreciate it.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to xonemasterx)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 3:20:36 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Well, I've been on CM for over a year now. And for that entire time, I've been seeking "just friends" - and I've met a few. Sometimes, I've felt like changing my profile, and stating I was seeking a partner, but something always held me back.

I mean, this past year has been a real challenge. I lost my husband of 15 years to bone cancer, and then I got re-involved (briefly) with my first (and only) ex-Dominant - a situation that ended in non-consensual physical abuse, where I almost ended up with a broken arm and ribs, and now - my dog is sick, and probably has cancer (I realize this last thing won't make sense to some people as far as being upsetting, but believe me, it is upsetting).

However, I am really feeling I still need to start seeking someone. I do feel major parts of me are indeed "ready for that". BUT -

I am Scared. I really am. I haven't "dated" anyone is a long, long time (as far as my ex-Dominant is concerned, I'd known him for years before I ever knew he was into Bdsm, so that wasn't an issue in that situation, for me). 

I don't know what to do -  I feel like I don't know what I am doing, or what to look for, etc. - I am just at a loss. I am kind of worried I'll end up with someone who isn't really "my type" because I am lonely, or else I will miss someone who could be the "love of my life" due to my own stupidity, somehow. Maybe it sounds silly, but I feel like a complete novice when it comes to this "seeking" stuff.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks. 


Consider dancing.

I don't mean in bars, I mean where grownups who love dancing gather to dance.

It adds a dimension of physical interaction to whatever socializing you are doing now ( I know you have friends and are active socially.) 

If you choose a form of social dancing (Irish, Scottish, English,Contra or maybe even the dreaded Line Dancing ina carefully selected venue) it will afford you the opportunity to interact physically with a number of men, in a really fun way, without a lot of expectations or baggage. When the music stops the round is over

To actively and interactively touch other human beings can be wonderfully therapeutic and just plain fun. Part of what is missing in your life is probably the feel of a man's arm around you, the unaccidental touch of a hand, the chance to just be up against someone from the other side of the aisle. You can take these pleasures without guilt, remind yourself of what men smell like up close, express yourself physically and get some exercise.

Maybe you need to make a big policy type decision first, and then act on it. People are wired differently.  But maybe without making any looking/not looking policy decision at all you can start attending dances and just enjoying yourself in teh closer company of men.

Maybe you can--once again without any policy decisions--entertain some correspondence with someone who seems fun and interesting and worthwhile who is willing to interact just for the pleasure of interacting with someone fun and interesting and worthwhile like you.

So many people here seem to wage these campaigns to find a partner. "It's a numbers game" they'll say, or they'll have all these rules posted about whom they'll correspond with and under what conditions. Fuck that. And they count every interaction a waste which doesn't lead to a collar or something. Life is way too short.

You seem to feel as though you're in an in-between moment.  That's fine. Be there. In-between moments are moments just as rich as any other. Have in-between feelings and think in-betwen thoughts and do in-between stuff. And enjoy the difference between In-Between and Totally Not Ready and Full Speed Ahead.

I hope the news about your dog is good.



(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 3:26:43 PM   
cjenny


Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		Susan once you figure it all out would you please let me know too? I'm scared spitless & haven't a clue on how to step outside the door either lol.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.


~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 8:20:28 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Susan,

Sit for a while where you're comfortable and feel safe and begin writing down what you're looking for in a partner. Don't forget the obvious stuff like the fact that you want him to want you or that you want him to feel a certain way about you. Write it all down. It might take a while or several session. Once you have a decent idea of what you want, you then know what to start asking and looking for. As you go through the process, the things that are most important will surface. For example, you may find that him being clean shaven is a lot more important than him being tall...or him talking to you every day is a lot more important than than him sending you gifts. It's a trial and error thing.

Don't be afraid of making mistakes...even when you do trust your own judgement. Know that you don't HAVE to stay with someone if, over time, you discover that they aren't the match you thought they were. Just as is takes time to recover from the loss of a relationship, it takes time to discover a new one.

Master Fire - working on following her own advice


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 8:50:29 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with FireMaam but I would add one important thing.  Write down what EXACTLY it is you fear.  Be brutally honest with yourself.  Then look at those fears and find ways to address them, either by ensuring you are making better choices about smaller but similar things (think friends vs. lovers) or issues like physical safety.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Sticking your toes in the water after a long time -... - 1/22/2007 8:52:51 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

I suppose the question is:  can you date while still so vulnerable?


I think you have nailed the issue. Its the great human paradox that when we are most needy, desperate, and confused --- we are at our least attractive point (to ourselves and others) ---- which then serves up some discouraging experiences which can cycle things down even futher.

To go along with this, when we are low, we often lose our mastery of self.

What can break the cycle, how can we pull ourself together, and then, on top of that, meet a compatible partner as we plod on into middle age? Its a melodrama that reads like an advanced version of Bridget Jones Diary.

The hopeful optimistic me thinks that in times of great difficulty, we reach deep inside ourselves, we strip out our ego, we find our human core, and then we latch onto that with both hands. Next, the cycle of life turns, there is a rebound, a light shines, and we make that unexpected, unplanned connection to a special someone else.

It plays out organically, as if finding and trusting the the elusive Tao itself, -- changing our luck in our own personal faith-based initiative for connection and meaning.


(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know y... - 1/22/2007 9:07:32 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I agree with FireMaam but I would add one important thing.  Write down what EXACTLY it is you fear.  Be brutally honest with yourself.  Then look at those fears and find ways to address them, either by ensuring you are making better choices about smaller but similar things (think friends vs. lovers) or issues like physical safety.


Yes! What he said!

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Sticking your toes in the water - how do you know you're ready? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.156