Tired of the BDSM rules (Full Version)

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Tslaveboy -> Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 12:16:43 AM)

I've been involved with a Mistress for a few years, but recently I'm considering turning my back on the whole BDSM lifestyle. It seems that whenever I meet her friends who are also dommes, I like to be friendly and open. It just happens to be part of my nature. But my Mistress insists that I act withdrawn. It simply drives me crazy.

In my former vanilla life, when I'd go to parties and social events I would learn the names of everyone there. I am a social butterfly who enjoys meeting and talking to new people. I've also been in many poly relationships and my Mistress is monogamous. She says that she can't stand the energy of too many people around her. I actually feel energized with lots of people around me.

This D/s relationship is just not for me and I don't think I could be in any D/s relationship after this. It had it's moments but it's over.

Has anyone else ever gone through this? Is it just the monogamy versus poly mentality? Introvert versus extrovert? Any feedback would be appreciated.



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 3:31:14 AM)

If you're consistently putting aside your own needs (needs, not wants) when it comes to your partner....then yes, the overall dissatisfaction you feel will wear you down and sour you on relationships.

It is a two way street though - you are just as responsible for knowing what you need to be happy and satisfied and finding an outlet for that as she is.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 3:32:52 AM)

I think people are just different in what they prefer... I'm not one to socialize a lot, but when I do I enjoy the fact that my slave/sub is a socialite... I learn the names of others via them and am less uncomfortable in a crowd. It hasn't got anything to do with the M/s lifestyle, or BDSM, it most likely her personal preference. I wouldn't gauge the lifestyle by it.
 
Jewel



LadyEllen -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 3:37:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

It has nothing to do with BDSM.   It has to do with compatibility with the person you're with.


Ditto

Also worth bearing in mind that a lady standing over you is better than a thousand CM profiles......

Have you talked to her about this? From what I read in your profile (gender "reversal" and toilet training), and going off responses to threads on those two subjects separately, you're going to have an extremely difficult time finding any other lady to indulge those two activities together.

E

edited to add; Sorry MsSM! I quoted you before you edited LOL! But I thought what you said pre-edit was spot on, which is why I quoted it!

ALSO to the OP; I dont get what you mean by leaving all this behind? Is it not an important part of who you are? If it is, then I dont see how you could forever abandon it. Take a break maybe, but not abandon.



onestandingstill -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 4:27:42 AM)





I too am a social butterfly.
What I find is in  the scene I balk at the eye and speech restrictions inside myself as it makes me feel like I'm in the body language of a depressed person. I also feel like it actually cuts me off from the community I want to be a part of.
I have actually been agonizing over this. I even have been discussing this short coming in me in the threads.
I think till I can get past a protocol oriented good sub position I actually can't call myself a sub at all, but now I'm believing I'm rather a conditional bottom who needs to grow before I think I can be under the name of sub again.
As far as your Mistress not being comfortable in public groups. That's a separate issue in my mind.
On that I say unfortunately it's only her choice to go or not go.
Maybe you're mismatched.
If you do care about her you'll just have to accept you'll have to go out an socialize without her if she'll let you, or you'll have to accept staying home as she prefers.
I do understand. I'm right there standing next to you in this.
If you want to talk off this board feel free to write.
Maybe we can help each other grow in our submission and solve our issues together.
suzanne





Lashra -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 5:29:15 AM)

You two simply are not compatible and its time to move on.

Good Luck,
~Lashra



SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules One's happiness does not come from another one but from within...just as (1/23/2007 5:33:17 AM)

One's happiness does not come from another one but from within...just as I am not responsible for another's happiness.


Ross



thetammyjo -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 6:49:30 AM)

Just because one top has certain rules does not mean that others will have these same rules.

You really need to learn about issues of social nature, sexual monogamy, and ideas of what it means to be sub or dom BEFORE you get into a relationship with another person. If your definitions and expectations do not overlap to a very high degree you have set yourself up for failure.

Clearly you two differ on important issues to you therefore why are you continuing in that relationship?

Don't you want to be successful in your relationships?

Of course you do.

Start now but ending this mismatch and being more assertive about getting to know others before you enter into a relationship.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 6:56:37 AM)

I would say heed Lady Ellen's advice, because this scenario sounds like the grass is always greener, and you may not be as desirable when you're single and your kinks are unfullfilled over a long period of time.  
If you don't much care for the lady and feel your being stifled by her being so different, than it is time to move on.   I'm not terribly social, but can do a reasonably good impersonation of one when I'm comfortable in the environment.   I personally would not stop my significant other from socializing, but I have known one or two men who were simply too friendly for my liking, and could not stay in relationships with them.    M



onestandingstill -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 7:04:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Just because one top has certain rules does not mean that others will have these same rules.

You really need to learn about issues of social nature, sexual monogamy, and ideas of what it means to be sub or Dom BEFORE you get into a relationship with another person. If your definitions and expectations do not overlap to a very high degree you have set yourself up for failure.


What about when your Dom shares your view of how you're comfortable, but you yourself see it as bad behavior?
My Sir Rob does not restrict my eyes or speech, but I feel as his sub in the dungeon I NEED to follow protocol to bring him honor.
HE tells me so what, why do I care if he does not care.
Again it's I feel a good sub should do X, though he agrees Y is acceptable to him.
What would you recommend to find peace inside my heart over this then?
I don't want to feel I'm failing, or failing him, yet it's in me and I can't see around it.
suzanne



SimplyMichael -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 7:15:53 AM)

suzanne,

Who is in charge in your relationship?  That mental tape in your head or him?  Take that tape out and crush it.

I say that as someone who LOVES speech protocols, always speaks to the owner first and never makes eye contact with a sub until introduced by the owner out of respect and would see someone doing what you WANT to do as hot and desirable. 

That said, that crap gets boring and I want variety not some enforced tiny world/protocol and wouldn't do it all the time.

What I would do if I were you, is ask to make time to play at the protocol thing.  Give yourself permission to revel in it AND to let it go.  Perhaps make a game of forcing you to talk to everyone for the first hour or something.  PLAY with the dynamics of both AND figure out where that stupid tape comes from!



missjada -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 8:33:14 AM)

Could it be the mistress you are with and the relationship you have that may be the problem and not so much the interest in BDSM? 



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 9:05:58 AM)

I don't see how being an extrovert has anything to do with being mono or poly. I also don't see how one Ds relationship coming to an end means that you need to leave the lifestyle, unless you're totally finding that you don't like it. To me, it simply sounds like she's not a match for you.

Master Fire



Tslaveboy -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 10:09:39 AM)

She does things that very few dommes would ever do. We've done every shower imaginable (golden, brown, ruby and roman). She also like to videotape the experiences, so she has other dommes come over. I've been the victim to up to 5 dommes. I find that experience really great. But it is just that after it's over, I want to let them know how honored I was to participate in this, but I'm restricted in my social contact.

If she would just tell them this is the way it is and that she is the one forcing me to be non-social, I might be better able to deal with it. But she doesn't.

I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her again. And rather than feeling desperate trying to seek out someone like this again (which I think would be almost impossible),  I'd rather just turn my back on the whole BDSM relationship thing. I'll still probably post on Max Fisch, Rapturevision and Collarme just for the social aspect and to have an outlet but for actually living the lifestyle, I'm turning my back on it.



LadyHugs -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 11:24:29 AM)

Dear Tslaveboy, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In my mind's eyes I see, communication is a must here and perhaps in a different use of an example; as to express the internal frustration.
 
Otherwise, it is a situation of a poor match, as it is perfect in kink match but, social/civil interaction is contrary and not a good match.
 
Either be miserable with or without is for you to decide. 
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



thetammyjo -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 2:46:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Just because one top has certain rules does not mean that others will have these same rules.

You really need to learn about issues of social nature, sexual monogamy, and ideas of what it means to be sub or Dom BEFORE you get into a relationship with another person. If your definitions and expectations do not overlap to a very high degree you have set yourself up for failure.


What about when your Dom shares your view of how you're comfortable, but you yourself see it as bad behavior?
My Sir Rob does not restrict my eyes or speech, but I feel as his sub in the dungeon I NEED to follow protocol to bring him honor.
HE tells me so what, why do I care if he does not care.
Again it's I feel a good sub should do X, though he agrees Y is acceptable to him.
What would you recommend to find peace inside my heart over this then?
I don't want to feel I'm failing, or failing him, yet it's in me and I can't see around it.
suzanne


If I were you, I'd have a long sit down (possibly a few of these) times when you are both completely out of Ds space in your minds and really talk about what you expect and want and need. If you find a lot of common ground, excellent. If you find you don't then you have a question to ask yourself as a sub: Can you bend to this person's will enough to satisfy him and to please yourself?

Sometimes the answer is really just "no" and there isn't a way around it. I know that is not what you or anyone else wants to here.

Sometimes the answer is "maybe" so we set aside a specific amount of time to try things together where we actively work to fulfill what we've negotiated. At the end of the time we re-evaluate.

Sometimes the answer is "yes" so we now challenge ourselves to daily follow that negotiated arrangement. You can do this by working together but also by finding others to talk to. No one feels like they do this perfectly, at least no one I respect does, because we're just human beings. This, by the way, is where Fox and I are at -- I may be laid back but I do have certain protocols and Fox has certain expectations for himself. We strive together to maintain our authority dynamic.

You might also ask what prevents you from formulating your own protocols and following them or setting up protocols together. Maybe he just is too laid back for you or maybe he isn't as experienced in those rituals and rules. But you need to design something you can both keep up and maintain.

Trust me please. I went through this with someone before who wanted more control, wanted more rules, wanted more protocols so we made them together. It was never really what I wanted and things then fell apart. I want to spare you the months we tried to be something for each other than we just couldn't be.



MistressTaboo -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 3:07:31 PM)

In social situations my slave/husband is equal to everyone in the room. He has no speech restrictions or eye restrictions. He looks everyone in the eye and speaks to whom he wants to...

When we scene then he calls me Mistress...but as he tells people when they ask..."I am my wife's slave" that saves him from being submissive to just anyone...





Tslaveboy -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 3:17:45 PM)

The problem is that I don't think I'll ever find someone so open and in to so many facets of BDSM. I suspect if I need to just make do with less it will just be frustrating.

If nothing else, I just need some time alone for a while. Maybe I'll get back into it at a later time.



Tslaveboy -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 3:22:10 PM)

The kink match is absolutely perfect. But the social part isn't.

I'd like to discuss this with her, but she is dominant in everything and prefers total control. I wish she were a little more flexible on this issue. But it's not going to happen.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 3:23:02 PM)

Having just read this for the first tie, and really only read the OP, Id say the two of you are just a bad match.  Having nothing to do with beinga D/s relationship, you arent a good pairing in any sort of relationship.  You seem to be too opposite to be able to make things work, and it hasnt.
If being a sub isnt working for you, then that happens.  But it would seem more like being HER sub isnt working, and if you found a more suitable match then things might be better.
Angel and I have rules in so far as what he is and isnt allowed to do.  However, part of what I love about him and always have is his personality.  Without that I'd never ave selected him. You need to find somone who appreciates your outgoing personality, who is confident enough not to see it as a challenge or a threat to her dominantion (which might be why she prefers you to play the part of the shy and withdrawn sub for her friends) and alows you to be youself withiin your sub role.

My 2 cents, if anyone wants them
DV



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