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Help? - 1/23/2007 1:26:14 PM   
ErictheRed12662


Posts: 17
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		I have a problem with a domme... She and I met up on this site, and for a long time I wouldn't meet her because she's simply not into what I'm into. Finally, we agreed to just meet each other because we had so much in common outside of the lifestyle. We hit it off immediately, and we've been dating.

Problem is... Her religion prohibits her from even knowing me, and she isn't supposed to be into sexual aspects at all (For her personal reasons I won't say her name or mention her religion). Not to mention, I was an interviewee for a submissive position with her, so she has other subs. She said she gave them all up for me not long after we started dating, but then we got in a small arguement and she went to see one of them again, so now I'm not sure.

She is much more hardcore than I am, and I have very little experience as it is. She likes CBT, anal, and forced bi. None of which I'm into... I'm not even remotely interested in other men, and anal... It frankly scares me... I'm not sure I can really explain why, it just does. CBT I can take, she's done that with me and I'm okay as long as it's not too much. I'm not a pain slut...

As far as me, I'm into much softer things. I like fetishwear a LOT, especially on my dommes. She won't wear fetishwear, but likes it on me. I can agree with that, it's a fair compromise... I can still have it. I love bondage, and she's into that, so we're good there. The main problem we run into is... I like forced femme. I don't like it too the extreme (anal and forced bi can be associated with forced femme and that's where I draw the line). I love the attention and the humiliation behind it, and I can't seem to get it the same from anything else. I don't even understand why, but again, I'm still very new. She has done femme before and doesn't like it, and doesn't want to compromise on that at all, even though she did say there's a lot of fun things similar she does like (panty shopping and makeup on guys) just because they're funny... She just doesn't want to do that with me.

Now, this might all seem trivial, but I assure you it's not. She wants me to be fully submissive and date her. She said she doesn't want me to give up my fetishes, but will not do them with me. How am I not supposed to give them up and enjoy them you ask? She suggested I find another domme. That to me is against the rules of BDSM... She was talking about me earning a collar and being her's for good, and yet she wants me to see another domme? And she keeps saying that she's going to make me succumb to her fetishes eventually anyway, because I belong to her...

So the problem here is, she's sacrifcing her subs and her religious beliefs (though the religious part isn't because of me), and she's compromising one one of my fetishes. She thinks that constitutes the right to anally rape me and submit to the things that scare me.. She said she won't do them yet because I'm "not ready", but she does plan to do it...

I don't know what to do here. I think I'm really falling for her outside of the lifestyle, but how can I submit to someone who wants me to do frankly much more hardcore acts than I'm into when she can't even wear leather pants for me? Am I wrong about this? And what do I do about finding another domme? I've searched for years to find a local domme, and I can't just go to another one for my fetishes and break the loyalty of my current domme...

I told her I would submit to her fully if she would try things with me first. I mean, it's a huge deal for me to try anal... it's a big fear of mine, it really is. I told her I would give her one night with me to do whatever she wanted, show me the ropes so to speak (no pun intended). If I was okay with anal and her fetishes, I would submit fully and agree to her terms. If I was still freaked out, I wanted her to respect it. I want this to work, I really do... She took it as an insult and told me I should be more greatful because she chose me over all the others. She said she's not a trial-by-error domme. I see where she's coming from, but she knows I'm new and need to try things out. She chose me knowing that, and promised she would show me new things. Now she just wants me to be her's for good and let her decide, which she says she can do already whenever she wants. If I was sure of what all that entailed and was okay with it, it would be what I trully want. I want to be her's, I just... I want to make sure she and I both know what that means.

I'm so confused... please help me!

< Message edited by ErictheRed12662 -- 1/23/2007 1:32:14 PM >
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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 1:34:58 PM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think you're asking for more than any of us can give in the way of advice.

Her choices are her's to make.  Your choice (as of now) are yours to make.

All I can say in the way of advice is:  You have a lot to consider before making your final decision.  What are you willing to live with/without in the long run?  Be sure before you commit because it's you who'll have to live with it, not us.

Good luck!

Edit:  Life is 'trial-by-error' (trial and error, maybe?).  We live, we screw up, we learn...that's how it works for me anyway.


< Message edited by valeca -- 1/23/2007 1:37:13 PM >

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 1:44:57 PM   
safesaneplay2


Posts: 22
Joined: 10/2/2006
Status: offline 		You might need to go back to the basics and re think what the responsibilites of a DOM/DOMME are and what it means to be a submissive. 

When Master decided to push my bi limits (that he knew were my limits) I honestly tried to please him.  It made me ill.  We talked and talked and talked. After much turmoil, I asked to be released. 

We took a break..much like a separation in the vanilla world.  We came back to the table and renegotiated our relationship.  We are stronger now.  Master still pushes my limits but he leaves my hard ones alone.  In time, as we grow with each other, I may decide to ask him to push a hard limit and he may decide to do so.  Right now, there are just so many other adventures that those are not on the front fire.  I am currently working on a statement that I made one day....I have a thousand ways to wake you up in the morning...Master grins with each new sunrise.

Good luck.  Be safe.

_____________________________

coloring outside the lines!!

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 1:58:36 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Eric:  I've read your profile and your post.
 
You have not experienced enough variety to commit to anyone or anything.  Your doubts are your common sense talking..LISTEN TO IT.  
 
This is my opinion for you to take or leave:
 
Put aside that you are a submissive and she needs to put aside her domme identy and you two need to have the CTJ ("come to Jesus") talk.  D/s is fun... but it is not something you build your complete life on.  People change throughout their life.  If she ever stopped "being a domme", would you still care for her?  If you stopped being a submissive (for whatever reason-there are many)  would she still care for you?
 
It's a big ocean- there are other fish.
 
 
 
 

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 2:09:58 PM   
Donnalee


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		Eric,
You said so much in your post that I think if you read it yourself a couple times, and then maybe again a day later, you'll hear your answers in what you wrote.
Good Luck...it's hard to find a good match, but forcing it doesn't work for long. 

_____________________________

Just through all of your ups and downs ... know that I love you dearly.

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 2:24:05 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		Hi Eric

The way I see this, it boils down to a few things where there are problems, but as for the rest, you are made for one another?

You want feminisation – she doesn’t like this
You want her to wear fetish clothes – she doesn’t want to, but lets you wear it
She wants forced bi – you don’t like this
She wants to do anal – you don’t
She likes CBT – which you’ll tolerate but don’t like
And most importantly, you’re not sure you trust her entirely

In this life Eric, its rare to find two people who can come together and form a lasting relationship without compromises on both sides. To my mind, you seem to have found a lady here who is ideal for you, in all but a few areas – this in my opinion is no different to any other relationship; only the areas of compromise vary, so I’d say work on how you can each compromise on these, so that you each needn’t throw away something that is otherwise wonderful.

The feminisation thing; from previous threads on this site, it seems fairly common that ladies don’t like it. In ordinary life, most men who are into crossdressing of any form do it in secret, for fear of their SO finding out. Your lady knows you like this but doesn’t want to take part in it, and she has offered you the opportunity to do so in another’s company. That is a dream scenario to most. Now, I understand you feel this is cheating – but is it? As long as there’s no romantic or sexual involvement with the other person, then whats the problem, especially when its your lady that has allowed it? And of course we can throw in the fetish clothing aspect here too. The lady to whom your lady sends you might well indulge that element for you. I suggest you perhaps find a local pro-domme for these two activities; there is the expense of course, but since a pro-domme isn’t likely to get romantic/sexual with you from her side either, it even more says to your lady that she has nothing to worry about and neither do you. A monthly or bi-monthly “fix” might do the trick for you?

But the most important thing to me was that you don’t appear to trust your lady with respect to what are for you, hard limits (forced bi and anal). There is no getting around this except by way of you accepting her authority and submitting fully, or telling her straight and direct that these are hard limits for you and there is no negotiation on them. In the first case, you put up with it (no pun intended). In the second case you have to walk away if she wont compromise, though I would hope that since she chose you from many, she would see that otherwise there is something good here that isn’t worth throwing away over these aspects.

Overall though, I’d just say that whatever your fantasies, you’re a free man who is responsible for his own actions. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, and to me it seems your lady wants everything her own way – which is fine in a fantasy, but unrealistic in a real relationship.

E

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 2:37:48 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I just don't see strong compatibility here in terms of BDSM.

I wouldn't be in this relationship if I were you or her for that matter.

Too many things here are being seen as compromises and sacrifices and scary.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 2:49:55 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Yeah, what TJ said!  Slow down...you're new! 
 
Get yourself to some munches and other meetings of like minded people...real people; make real friends.  Most of us are interested in helping new folks feel comfortable.  When I was new, two different people (two different times) gave me a sort of 'show and tell' of the things in their toybags.  Meeting people, watching others play, becoming familar with 'the tools (toys) of the trade...all work to make you feel more comfortable and not fall for (or 'settle' for) the first one who expresses some interest. 
 
Quite frankly...from what you tell; she sounds like a newbie herself.  Forcing at this stage of the game?  hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
 
but that's just my thoughts,
b

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 3:03:12 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		 the fact that anal is a sexual aspect of play.  The fact is you're inserting objects or items into the ass, that's sexual penitration.


quote:

ORIGINAL: ErictheRed12662

I have a problem with a domme...
Problem is... she isn't supposed to be into sexual aspects at all

, anal, and forced bi.

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 3:25:53 PM   
ErictheRed12662


Posts: 17
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		See, I think we should experiment with what we each enjoy before we jump into things. Sure, anal scares me... But I've also never done it. I may love it. I don't know. Same with bi... I have no interests in men like that, but she swears 99% of the guys she has played with have been the same way. I'm thinking that if she can compromise and try what I like, and I what she likes... We'll find a common ground.

I really do appreciate your advice, and I understand it's not easy giving it considering this is a choice I have to make. I was just hoping that someone more experienced as far as the lifestyle goes would see something we could try in order to compromise. I really do like this girl... I just want her to help me into things before we just dive in as "slave" and "mistress", you know?

Now, I did want to clear a few things up... I know a lot of people who have replied simply don't think we work. But, in reality... We have tons in common. She loves poetry, and that's probably one of my favorite things. She loves music, and that's probably second on my list. We have the same concept of religion (Christians), even though we aren't 100% on that one, we talk about it alot and try and understand both viewpoints. We talk about anything and everything and not have to worry about the other one being trully offended. She loves horror stories, and we go see moives together. I love sci-fi and fantasy, which fits in most of the time with a lot of horror movies. Even in things we don't agree on we find some middle ground and it works. I think she's gorgeous and sexy, she thinks I'm cute and loving. If I can think of something I enjoy doing, I can match it with something she loves.

But, BDSM is a huge part of her life and it's something I want in on as well. She's a much more sensual and sexual person than I am, probably because I haven't had sex... She enjoys sexual acts, and even after having scenes with her as a domme, I'm still shaken. I still blush and get nervous when the girl holds my hand for god's sake. I just don't want to leave her wanting, you know?

As far as the question about why I don't just go see another domme... I somewhat addressed it in my previous post: I can't find one. I'm in college right now and money is tight, so I can't just go out and hire a dominatrix or something. I need a local girl who I can trust. I have been wanting to go to a munch forever, but I don't want to go alone. I've heard horror stories about people meeting up with someone they met at a munch and it going totally wrong. I would rather have someone there I know, like my girlfriend. So, I'm working on that... But I still feel weird about seeing another domme. I want to be loyal to her.

And really, it's not that I don't trust her, I do. I'm just worried that I'll disappoint her. She already went to see one of her old subs once, and that to me means I really upset her.

(in reply to Bearlee)
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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 3:27:55 PM   
ErictheRed12662


Posts: 17
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

the fact that anal is a sexual aspect of play. The fact is you're inserting objects or items into the ass, that's sexual penitration.


quote:

ORIGINAL: ErictheRed12662

I have a problem with a domme...
Problem is... she isn't supposed to be into sexual aspects at all

, anal, and forced bi.



I'm sorry, I'm not sure exactly what this means?

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 3:56:47 PM   
FemWillow


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline 		eric, I am, indeed sorry for your quandry, it must be utterly confusing!  I have not had the opportunity to 'blend' the vanilla and kinky sides of Myself in a LTR.  I can't imagine it being easy.  I wish I had advice for you. 

I just wanted to say that I think its wonderful that you seek help from these very educated Ladies (and Gentlemen).  I hope your 'issue' works out for B/both of you. 

And, by the way, I agree with many of the posts above, and especially, since you are new, to go to some munches and get involved in your local community, if possible.  It takes time and effort to do, but it can be amazingly rewarding.

of course, I am also put off that She is not willing to accept your limits.  To Me, thats a hard limit of Mine!

My best to you - Willow

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 7:19:21 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		What she is willing to emotionally sell or barter for the relationship is entirely up to her. You cannot control this acpect. What YOU are willing to sell or barter is up to you and is under your full control. The depth of what she chooses to sell should have no bearing on what you are willing to sell. If you gave these things up or decided to participate in all the things you don't like but she does, do you really feel that you'd be getting a fair and sound trade? How long do you think it'd take before you were miserable? If the things that you share with her are vanilla things, be vanilla friends and don't force a kink relationship.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 7:41:48 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Eric,  How old is your domme? And how long has she been active?


_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


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RE: Help? - 1/23/2007 7:44:43 PM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		People will tell you to comprimise. They'll say that you'll never find anyone who matches you in every way.

I tend to agree with Penn Jillette. Somewhere, there is someone who matches you. You'll find someone you don't have to change anything fundamental to be with.

She isn't it.

Good luck if you continue with this, though.


_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

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RE: Help? - 1/24/2007 12:16:45 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		you said she's not allowed to do sexual things, and anal sex is having sexual contact. It's a contradition

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RE: Help? - 1/24/2007 6:45:47 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hello There,
I am also leary of you becoming her full collared sub under the conditions you present.
1-She's not into monogamy or sex, you are. 2-you fear anal and bi contact and she loves it. 3-You want her to dress seductively & she's not willing to compramise. There's more you've mentioned but that's the jist of this.
Talk about fear of failure, this is destined to leave you unfulfilled and longing for more than she's willing to give in D/s. THis also leaves her unfulfilled as you're not partial to her methods and desires.
You indeed in D/s are very mismatched.
I do not think you're matched well enough to be her sub unless there's compramise. Even then the bending IMO won't be permanent, but rather a struggle for power between you both.

As far as your anal sex issue. I too hate anal. I never would even agree to try it till 2 years ago when I found BDSM. Initially it HURT LIKE HELL, now it just creeps me out and leaves my bowels irritated for days behind the penetration. You can get beyond it being horrible, but will you get beyond not enjoying it? I don't know because in 2 years and limited use I still really don't like it one bit though I do offer it to the one I serve.
Submission isn't about forcing someone to do what you want them to do. It's about bending your will under the other person's for THEIR pleasure.
It's of paramount importance you like what they like in some degree, or in some things so the relationship fulfills your NEEDS too.
I personally understand you love the vanilla side of her and don't want to lose that.
I understand you're problem with having someone.
I just think to force a square peg by sanding it down into a round one is not going to be healthy for either of you.
I would also like to say if she agrees to see only you, then runs out on you to others when she's pissed or dissapointed in you that's another time bomb that's going to blow you into pieces and not very mature of her to begin with.
I actually would fear for you if you end up fully under her as her only sub as I think it's only a matter of time beforethe both of you short circut.
I'd like to suggest maybe monogamy isn't the right choice, much like she's suggesting.
I think keeping her as your good vanilla friend (maybe even girlfriend) and mentor/protector/trainer in D/s may be an option.
This way you're not terribly lonely while you continue to seek the one you match with. She stil lwould have the option to help you explore the anal side of you and train your butt like she wants to.
Remaining open to others on both sides and dealing in healthy ways with the insecurity and jealousy you have is what I think would be wise here.
This way you guys will keep the good parts of your relations without the mismatched desires polluting the mix.
Over all I understand you want to force things to work because you genuinely care about her.
Unfortunately from what you mentioned in the OP IMO she's not nor ever will be your one Mistress.
There are many people who don't match in play that live in this lifestyle in a base vanilla relationship. For example I've often heard of two tops having a mated vanilla relationship and not playing together. Being they know they have these desires to dominate and all is above board playing with others is something that can work for them.
Good luck,
suzanne



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RE: Help? - 1/24/2007 7:11:04 AM   
BBBTBW


Posts: 836
Joined: 5/21/2004
Status: offline 		Eric,

Although tomorrow is not promised, you are still very young and have time to consider all things.  How old is this woman that is pushing you to do and not pulling you into her arms to comfort you?  If she has as much experience as she says she has, she would know that as a newbie you are going to be trepidacious about some things.  That old saying "To Thine Ownself Be True" should ring LOUD bells in your head right now.  I am 40+ years old and have not yet found the slave that fits with me truely. 

I have been in the lifestyle many years and although I am not in a hurry, I would like to find someone.  I know you want someone in your life to be able to LIVE with but don't dive into the deep end without treading water in the shallow end, if only to get used to the temp of the water.

I am curretly talking to a man near my age and we are both in agreement to go S L O W so that we know it is the right thing for us to endeavour upon.  Although we seem to be compatible on many levels, we still have a lot of learning to do about each other.  It would be easy for us to buy plane tickets and visit each other often but to get to know each other and see consistencies in our conversations is the thing that is of the utmost importance at this point.  We are finding true compatibility, not just a few square pegs that fit in square holes and a multitude of round pegs with no holes to fit them in.

I hope my analogies make sense to you and that you take the advice from the others preceeding me.  The ultimate choice is yours....

Ms Loren

"edited to correct misspelled words"


< Message edited by BBBTBW -- 1/24/2007 7:17:56 AM >

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RE: Help? - 1/24/2007 7:52:48 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ErictheRed12662

Now, I did want to clear a few things up... I know a lot of people who have replied simply don't think we work. But, in reality... We have tons in common. She loves poetry, and that's probably one of my favorite things. She loves music, and that's probably second on my list. We have the same concept of religion (Christians), even though we aren't 100% on that one, we talk about it alot and try and understand both viewpoints. We talk about anything and everything and not have to worry about the other one being trully offended. She loves horror stories, and we go see moives together. I love sci-fi and fantasy, which fits in most of the time with a lot of horror movies. Even in things we don't agree on we find some middle ground and it works. I think she's gorgeous and sexy, she thinks I'm cute and loving. If I can think of something I enjoy doing, I can match it with something she loves.



Have you considered just being friends then? Or dating in the vanilla sense?



_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to ErictheRed12662)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Help? - 1/24/2007 5:35:20 PM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		From the original posting to the ones after, you have answered your own question.  However, if you want an off the wall and cuff reply, here's another one.  Try tossing out the titles and simply date.  One final thing for you to consider ... before you 'commit' to anyone about anything, make sure that person has enough respect for you to honor your 'hard limits' or it will NEVER work.  Good luck to you.

Diva



_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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