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ladychatterley -> RE: strong confident subs: a threat or not? (2/12/2007 2:37:46 PM)
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OP--I recognize in your writing a lot of the same defense mechanisms I've had. Like you, I'm a strong, accomplished, competent woman who has been deeply hurt. For me, I had to learn to be vulnerable, learn to be open to being hurt again. Pema Chodron wrote a book called The Places that Scare Us which is one of the most beautiful analyses I've read of this issue (from a Buddhist point of view). Being open to being vulnerable--not stupidly to every person you meet, but selectively to people that you want to be close to, is incredibly difficult. I used to have 2 settings--totally guarded and then, with a few select people--totally open. Neither were healthy. I had to learn to let go of my armour slowly and carefully. And as I learned to be a little vulnerable with a few people, I could take that one step further and be a little more so.
Everyone's journey is different, but for a while I had a really lousy job and I was totally unable to do any of the above stuff until I changed that situation. Once I gave up on my 'dream career,' I stopped feeling victimized by the world and stopped feeling like I could never prove myself enough. (Funny thing is, my dream career is looking possible again, under much better circumstances.)
I don't know whether you can afford therapy, but if you can or your health insurance covers it, you might consider it. It has been enormously helpful to me. BUT make sure you audition therapists. The worst thing is trying to force yourself to change for a therapist that doesn't respect the elements of yourself you like. You must have somoene that is going to affirm you as well as support you in changes YOU want to make. If you can't afford therapy--I'd consider journaling and really look at where you are using patterns that served you well when you were younger but no longer serve your best interests.
For me, I think the quest for a good relationship was doomed to failure until I let go of some of my defensiveness and have the strength to let my mask down.
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