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RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 7:31:34 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SCDommie

I think you are getting your information from the wront source. The ony real way of learning BDSM is to go real time.

Any Dungeon scene I have been involved with has not stopped because of a safe word from a submissive. Most Dominants obseve behavior of subs very carefully.

I will say I have seen a scene that should have been stopped.

Don't let your fears keep you from becoming the submssive you can be. Books and sites just give you a little of what really goes on.

Respectfully,

SCDomme

I disagree. While you cannot practice BDSM or D/s interactions without a partner, I would much rather be involved in real life with someone who had read something by at least one or two respected authors than someone who heard about BDSM and D/s and entered the "scene" and picked up all her bad habits through listening to others like her who just maybe didn't know shit from shinola and whose only source of verification was a line of 'dominants' lined up ready to tie them, beat them and fuck them...before they moved on to the next submissive.

I don't doubt that there are serious people in the "scene" who never did read a D/s book and yet, because they learned from and listened to people who did, they were operating from more than their own mindset of just what D/s and BDSM is about.

(in reply to SCDommie)

Post #: 21

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 7:35:46 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I've read and written a review of Ruble's book on protocols (the general one, not the sex or culture specific one) so I know what you are talking about.

I am Mistress to Fox unless there is a problem at home.

In the mundane world he usually just doesn't use my name to speak directly to me but would touch my hand or look at me to get my attention.

I don't expect him to refer to me as "Mistress" to anyone else -- I'm not their owner afterall so I only them to call me TammyJo or Ms. Eckhart (or in less than a year Dr. Eckhart).

As to real life times when an owner might make an error with an order or a statment, I go beyond Ruble's idea. Yes, Fox should not call attention to my error but neither should I call attention to his nor to Tom's -- we should each respect each other enough to whisper a question to each other or to ask a polite question that might lead them to a better decision. I think a relationship should be built on mutual respect and caring and I try not to demand more from Fox than I am willing to do myself in the mundane world.

Back home things are, of course, "unfair" but hey it's a heirarchy and that's part of the deal.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 22

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 7:59:35 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...Do you in M/s relationships use a regular day to day safeword?...

No. this slave does not rely on a word for a sense of security or control, within a scene or throughout a regular day. Master gives His slave ample opportunities to express opinions, thoughts and feelings in a variety of ways every day with no need for her to step out of her submission in order to communicate.

as for correction, this slave sees nothing wrong with a Master correcting a slave as they see fit, public or private.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 23

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 8:03:12 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

...Do you in M/s relationships use a regular day to day safeword?...

In the case of my slave it is 'I obey' that keeps her pretty safe.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 24

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 8:08:52 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

In the case of my slave it is 'I obey' that keeps her pretty safe.

Ron

I love the way you put that. Obeying him is what keeps me safe, also.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 25

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 9:10:42 AM

Sunshine119

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

Wow!

This is a subject near and dear to my heart this week. It's been a very bad week. One of the kids my agency serves commited suicide three days ago. My computer crashed twice in the last two days and I have a federal grant proposal due on Tuesday....and it is no where near ready to go. The pressure is unbelievable.....

And, I am gettting a bit out of sorts as I am still expected to do my job, take care of the house, do all the cooking, cleaning, wash, etc and accompany him to the gym and all of his activities. I must admit I was quite the bitch today.

I need an owner break....or at least an emotional break for a few days....at least until the grant is out! The last thing I am feeling today is submissive and really want to tell him to get with the program and help out! (oh...excuse me...he does run the " roomba" because it is fun)

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

_____________________________

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 26

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 9:19:58 AM

hammernhoney

Posts: 268
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

Protocol can have different meanings to different folks.There are seprate protocols for public play ,events etc and ours for in home use may be far different then in public, ours are taught respect and address dominents as sir or maam until other wise told not to.TO let their behavoir be an extenison of their owners yep its differnt strokes for different folks

_____________________________

STEP INTO MY DARKNESS AND LET THE LIGHT OF YOUR SUBMISSION SHINE..

(in reply to Sunshine119)

Post #: 27

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 9:25:08 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119
The last thing I am feeling today is submissive and really want to tell him to get with the program and help out! (oh...excuse me...he does run the " roomba" because it is fun)

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

What's so bad about sending him an email listing out EVERYTHING you NEED to get done in the next few days (including preparing meals), and asking if he could please take responsibility for 1, 4, 7, 9, and 10 so you can make sure everything goes well without going insane?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Sunshine119)

Post #: 28

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 10:15:14 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: SCDommie

I think you are getting your information from the wront source. The ony real way of learning BDSM is to go real time.

Any Dungeon scene I have been involved with has not stopped because of a safe word from a submissive. Most Dominants obseve behavior of subs very carefully.

I will say I have seen a scene that should have been stopped.

Don't let your fears keep you from becoming the submssive you can be. Books and sites just give you a little of what really goes on.

Respectfully,

SCDomme

I disagree. While you cannot practice BDSM or D/s interactions without a partner, I would much rather be involved in real life with someone who had read something by at least one or two respected authors than someone who heard about BDSM and D/s and entered the "scene" and picked up all her bad habits through listening to others like her who just maybe didn't know shit from shinola and whose only source of verification was a line of 'dominants' lined up ready to tie them, beat them and fuck them...before they moved on to the next submissive.

I don't doubt that there are serious people in the "scene" who never did read a D/s book and yet, because they learned from and listened to people who did, they were operating from more than their own mindset of just what D/s and BDSM is about.

Thank you Both for your views. I appreciate you sharing these opinions.
I actually agree with both of you in many ways.
I do think you must weight what you read with your own life and wisdom. Just reading a book is meaningless if you don't don't ever intend to use it in any way. Much like a good mystery book, it's just for the pleasure of the read.
I also agree to read and experience face to face exchanges is a better way to find understanding in any subject or area of expertise.
I also say to follow any one elses exact idea of how to live a D/s relationship isn't the point, but rather to give you ideas that may mold your outlook is my purpose.

I also agree I'd much prefer to have someone I'm playing with to have learned and studied from books, online, presentations, seminars, workshops, and hands on experience rather than just watching something and winging it like you think you know what you're doing.
I do agree some only have first hand experience, and over time do develop skills also so I'm not trying to discredit any one who learned the ropes in person only either.

For me knowledge is power. I mentioned the OP as I found a lot in this book so far VERY powerful.

And BTW SCDommie you said no safe words in your scenes. Is that because you practice RACK and one will not be allowed or (as I think you mean) that no one has needed to use one with you as you're in tune with that person.
Just FYI I have played heavily the first year I was in this lifestyle and have been very lucky to play with people who've also read me so well I've not needed to use one yet, though I've had one at the tip of my tonger a couple of times so far. LOL Begging has ended up working a couple of times though.
suzanne

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 29

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 10:39:05 AM

GrizzlyBear

Posts: 278
Joined: 3/26/2004
From: Missoula Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill
It's a book called Protocols by Robert J Ruble, PhD

I can't find any information on this book or this man.

Could you provide a bit more info about this source.

Try Kinkybooks.com

_____________________________

GrizzlyBear

"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came. He pushed them. And they flew.
~Guillaume Apollinaire

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 30

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 10:42:15 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

We don't use protocols so there aren't any to step out of. In addition he's more likely to hit an emotional trigger in scene than out and my response, no matter where it happens, is to freeze and be unable to move or talk. He knows when he hits one because my body goes stiff and nonresponsive. Immediately after that is when an anxiety attack comes in.

And I never have to beg for the special right to talk freely to him. I'm supposed to at all times give him any info he needs to know.

I've never done anything so terrible in public that he needs to punish me or dress me down immediately. I'm not sure I've ever done so deliberately in private. What has happened is that we have miscommunication and resultant hurt feelings and then we talk it out with me crying into his shoulder. But punishment for not understanding and not knowing that I misunderstood? Sorry, that wouldn't work it would only breed resentment.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 31

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 11:58:59 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Someone just told me on m E-mail side these books this Dr. wrote are all avialable on Amazon's web site.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 32

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/26/2007 1:35:36 PM

SCDommie

Posts: 176
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

Creative Dominant:

Well, to answer your question, I would say I was neather SSC or Rack.
What I will say is quite simple in the fact that when you are ready to go live in a dungeon scene, you should know what your sub/slave can handle. I observe my slave.
Also, before a scene begins, the Owner or the Dungeon/club should respect limits put on sub/slaves from that retrospect. So, when I walk into a Dungeon, I will tell the Dom in charge certain areas that are off limits. Fair enough?
I have never seen a discussion interupped during a live scene. Maybe it is this location, or maybe I am not in the same page as everyone in this matter.
Utimately, we all have responsibility of securing safety for our sub/slaves.

Respectfully,

SC Domme

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 33

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/27/2007 9:27:49 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill
It's a book called Protocols by Robert J Ruble, PhD

I can't find any information on this book or this man.

Could you provide a bit more info about this source.

This is Nazca's home page, Dr. Rubel's publisher. They used to link to all their authors from this page, but it's not showing today. Perhaps they're updating to add me and Nigel??? ;-)

Master Fire

Ok, I see why I couldn't find any information... the OP didn't spell the name correctly in the first post.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 34

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/27/2007 9:36:15 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I also agree I'd much prefer to have someone I'm playing with to have learned and studied from books, online, presentations, seminars, workshops, and hands on experience rather than just watching something and winging it like you think you know what you're doing.
I do agree some only have first hand experience, and over time do develop skills also so I'm not trying to discredit any one who learned the ropes in person only either.

There are many ways of learning a new skill or new concepts. Some people are visual learners, some are audio learners. Some people learn best hands on, some learn best by reading first, doing later. I am a reading and writing learner. I learn best if I can read it, and then write about it. I then can do it.

Since there are so many ways of learning new skill sets, and so many different types of learners, one would expect that there would be many valid ways to acquire knowledge and skills....

Just my experience with learning things.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 35

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/27/2007 10:22:07 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I have no need or desire for a safeword of any kind with my Lord. Even if I tried, I could not step out of the M/s relationship with him even if only to have a conversation. The protocols are not what defines our relationship. Who we are defines it and who we are together. He would have the authority in this relationship even if neither of us knew anything about BDSM, the lifestyle or M/s relationships. That is just how we relate to each other because of who we are. That we recognize it and seek to enhance the authority dynamic only enriches the relationship but it does not define the relationship.

My Lord will correct my errors and make me face the consequences of my actions in public or private. Correction and consequences do not have to draw attention to you or what you are doing. I think many people underestimate the art of subtlety. A look, touch, hand signal or whispered words are all it takes to correct a mistake I am making. Others are not likely to even notice the exchange. Depending on the severity of the error, further discussion may or may not happen at a time that he considers appropriate.

On another note, we had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Rubel last November when my Lord and alandra were here. My Lord enjoyed the discussions that he had with him. Dr. Rubel will be the guest speaker at SPICE's next monthly meeting here in South Florida. Unfortunately, I will be out of town and not able to attend.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 36

RE: An emotional safe word in Protocols - 1/27/2007 4:49:51 PM

lovingcouple17

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline

Do you in M/s relationships use a regular day to day safeword?

When we are scening or just around the house and something makes me uncomfortable, or makes Him uncomfortable, W/we use "time out" as a safe way to say, i need to talk...it does not mean we will stop totally what is happening, but that we will stop and talk about it and perhaps continue...submissives are not the only ones who need a safe word...Dominants also need to have one...so they can step out and the submissive knows that the word has been called and play is stopping...W/we have used time out a bit, mostly in the beginning, but the other day i called a time out because i was confused over the progression of what was happening...and once i understood, we continued...He used it once because He felt i not using safe word and felt i was over a limit and would not use my safe word...He was right - :) as i don't use it unless i feel i cannot continue...and after the time out we continued....

sebrina{L}

_____________________________

Only in a collar can a woman be free.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 37

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