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Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/29/2007 10:55:28 PM   
eroticBBWsub


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline 		I was released 2 weeks ago tonight.  I have spent the last 2 weeks reflecting on the relationship and on the things he said to me when he released me.  I have come to see that, to varying degrees, he was right about some things he said to me.  I do have problems with trust and with letting go.  This was my first Master, my first D/s relationship.  Before meeting him, I didnt even think I was submissive.

My dilemna now is that the main reason he said he was releasing was based on a huge misunderstanding.  Usually, he was very patient with me and gave me an opportunity to discuss things with him that were bothering me.  This was a long distance relationship, and we didnt get to see each other that often. 

In 3 1/2 years he never had to punish me for being dishonest. In fact, other than a couple of mild reminder discipline sessions, he didnt have to correct me much for anything, because I was so devoted to him and to our relationship.  Honesty was his first rule, and it was mine also. 

He went away for a week, and when he came back, he was upset with me.  He didnt believe I was at a long doctor's appt the day before he left, and he didnt believe the reasons I gave for sending him an email before he left.  He tried to have me serve him that night, but I was sick and had to stop.  He didnt believe me when I said I couldnt continue.  He said I was being horribly disobedient.

The issue for me now is that I was diagnosed with a mild heart condition while he was away.  It was why I was at that doctor's appt for so long before he left, and why I couldnt serve him properly when he returned.    He never gave me a chance to talk with him about this, so he still doesnt know.  He just got very angry with me and just released me without any warning. 

I can accept that he doesnt want me anymore.  He has been very stressed out, and I guess that is what contributed to his inability to deal with me like he always did.    But it hurts my heart and my head so much that he thinks I was deliberately, defiantly disobedient to his wishes that last night.   I want to tell him I couldnt serve him properly because I was having chest pains and couldnt breath, and THAT was why I stopped the scene.  He couldnt tell because it was over the phone. 

If I write to him now, telling him about my heart condition and explaining that it was why I stopped the scene, would that be wrong???  He said I was trying to control him, when I stopped the scene.  If I write to him now, will he just see this as me trying to control him now???  I wont ask him to take me back, I accept his decision, even though being released that way broke my heart.

I was totally devoted to him, I love him, and I would have done anything for him.  For him to think I was deliberately disobedient and not submitting to his will hurts me so much.   Should I write to him explaining what really happened, so that I can move on knowing that he knows the real reason I stopped the scene??? Or should I just let go and not contact him, which means he will always think badly of me???

Thank you for your time and consideration.  Since this was my first D/s relationship, this was the first time I have been released.  I do not know what is the best thing for me to do, how to best handle this.  Is my need for closure important enough to try to explain what was going on with me???  Or is the best thing I can do as a loving submissive is to just leave him alone and not bother him now???
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/29/2007 10:58:28 PM   
reverendtorres


Posts: 51
Joined: 10/14/2005
Status: offline 		I'd send him a brief message apologizing for the misunderstanding and explaining what had happened, without really expecting a response.  Simply explain your position, then leave it in his hands as to how he will react.  That way, you not only get the closure you need, but you also don't have to worry that it appears you are trying to control him.

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/29/2007 11:00:34 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		i would write to him and tell him everything you just said. i have a hard time imagining the mindset of a dominant who would release a slave after 3.5 years of honest relationship over something he didn't even give you time enough to tell him. after i was done writing, i would consider if that kind of rash behavior is really healthy for me.

*hugs* best of luck to you. i think it's better to contact him - i mean, he really is being a bit of an ass here (well, more than a bit) by not letting  you explain the full situation, not least because it's due to a medical problem, not something directly under your control.

eta: maybe i misread the length of the relationship and all of that, because i'm uberconfused after reading your profile. but still...it is better to let him know why you stopped the scene - that gives you the knowledge that you've done all you can.


< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 1/29/2007 11:02:34 PM >

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/29/2007 11:09:55 PM   
BlindDescent


Posts: 113
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		Hmmm...sounds to me like he needed an excuse. Most people need to leave a relationship on an angry note due to its sharp boundary. Talking things out just isn't the same. To be released for one incident without explanation seems a bit harsh; but then again when one cedes power to another in a unilateral equation...you are the recipient of whim. It really doesn't matter what you say  or don't say...write or don't write; he left you just as he will leave others. The person who is left is the one left with the raw edges. Do what you need to do to make yourself whole. Do not let him create doubt, just because he wasn't able to 'get off' on the phone. It is a virtual relationship until flesh is consummated; use this as a learning tool for your future.

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/29/2007 11:49:49 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

In 3 1/2 years he never had to punish me for being dishonest. In fact, other than a couple of mild reminder discipline sessions, he didnt have to correct me much for anything, because I was so devoted to him and to our relationship.  Honesty was his first rule, and it was mine also. 

::bold mine::

After reading your journal entries and being unable to figure out the math (3 1/2 years of r/t, but searching for a 'real' dominant from sept - nov of '06: being r/t, but that particular session was phone.. I'm confused to say the least), I'd say just leave him alone. Sounds like it's already too much drama so why add more fuel to that fire? Give him a break .. it's been two weeks. If you were going to write and explain yourself, you needed to do it immediately (or better yet, you should have said something on the phone the night in question.. like, Master, I'm having chest pains.. can we stop, please?!)

If he had wanted to hear from you, he would have contacted you by now. Obviously, he doesn't, so move on. From your profile and journal entries, you really don't seem to be all that heart-broken so what would be the purpose of writing to him now except to try to make him feel bad for dumping you and to make youself feel better for making him feel bad?

Drama. Ick.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 12:05:28 AM   
SirDarkside357


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		What Celeste said may have seemed harsh to some, but It sounds like sound advice to me.

Darkside

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 12:12:57 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		celeste is freaking awesome, and so are all of her advice-giving posts (that i've seen, anyway).

ahem. /threadhijack.

(in reply to SirDarkside357)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 3:51:46 AM   
desires2


Posts: 39
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline 		Without having read your profile, but speaking simply as a woman/submissive, I understand the need for closure.  I am thinking you have waited two weeks to see if he would contact you?  Do what you need to finish this~~write a brief note, tell him what happened, then  mail it.  Look at this as a learning experience, pick yourself up and start again, if that is what you wish to do.  Good luck..~Smiles~

I wouldn't expect to hear from him though..it sounds like he was just looking for an opening to get out.  I am sorry for your loss.

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 4:44:23 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		If you need closure, punch a pillow or write in a journal.  I think he was looking for a reason to release you.  We've seen guys use strange methods when they don't want to break up face-to-face.  Do you think this guy is worth your time if he won't believe the truth?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to desires2)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 6:36:32 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		you can try to write him and explain what was going on. It may or may not do any good. If after three years if  he thinks you were trying to top him that one time then there is something going on with him. I wouldn't bother. It is time to cut your losses and move on.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 6:47:49 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		     For me SSC come to mind more than anything.   I have stopped a scene because I was in trouble, or was physically unable to continue.   Was I controlling, no not in the least.   The way I look at it is this, I am his and I must take care of me because I belong to him.   Although he knows me well, he is not a mind reader.   
    Looking at the situation from the outside, I sort of think he was leading up to this and using any excuse he could to release you anyways.   If you had not have felt a need to stop the scene, I am sure he would have found another reason to release you.   I'd personally let it go and move on.   Who cares if he thinks badly of you?   You did what was right for your health.   I doubt you'd have had the opportunity to respond to him if you'd had a heart attack or something over the phone.    

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 6:53:38 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If you wrote and explained yourself and didn't receive a response...or worse, recieved a negative response, would you feel better? If so, do it. If not, start to put it behind you. But, if you decide to do it, do and then leave it. Don't keep pestering him; he's allowed to react to your actions and his emotions in whatever way he wishes (as long as it doesn't cause harm). He may never accept what you have to say.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 7:11:44 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i think MFM has a great point, quite often we think of pursuing closure because we expect a certain type of reaction from the other person (the fantasy in the head of the happily ever after ending), but we don't think about if they react in a different manner. Have you preplanned in your head how he will react or are you ready for any of a number of different ways that he could react?


What about if you just wrote him a letter and didn't send it, just got your thoughts out. i have found that helpful at times when i needed to get "closure" with someone who was dead.

* Editted to add an additional thought.
heartfelt

< Message edited by heartfeltsub -- 1/30/2007 7:12:57 AM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 7:21:58 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		He was away for a week and came back looking to end it. I'd bet any amount he didn't spend that week alone.

If you want to send him a letter stating that he's an asshole for expecting you to service him while having chest pains and for abandoning you when you were just diagnosed with a heart condition, do so. But don't expect any response. It probably will make you feel better to imagine him suffering from well deserved guilt and that's worthwhile in itself. However it is more probable that he'll be too busy with his bit on the side to even read the letter.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 7:24:23 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		You know there is nothing wrong with getting closure if it is possible. So many times it is never possible. I would not expect his mind to change about releasing you, it takes more than this one incidence to sink a 3.5 year relationship... a lot more.

Good luck and I hope you get better soon.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 8:01:09 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		You can't rely on getting your closure from someone else, the only place closure can really come from is inside YOURSELF!

Find it and move on.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 8:51:59 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

You can't rely on getting your closure from someone else, the only place closure can really come from is inside YOURSELF!

Find it and move on.



I agree with this completely, we have to find out peace within, but sometimes a symbolic act of writing it down and sending it to the person frees us emotionally.

I sent my former dominant a closure letter. I did not hear anything back from him and I moved on, I am in a new relationship that is 100% more fulfilling for me, and happy. I recently sent him a link to a video that I thought he could profit from, after no contact in a very long time. I sent it with no thought of closure or connection, but one person helping another. He sent me an email back, and there was a sense of unfinished business being finished by that. I did not need to hear from him again, but it was nice to know that he wishes me well, I wish him well, and that we are both moving on to happier existences.

No expectation of a response is the best, appreciating one if you get one is ok too. Once it is not all about an "us", it has to become all about "you"

It sounds as though the OP is going to grieve and question and search for closure for a long time, one does not get over a multi-year relationship overnight... but to the OP, it is up to you how long you grieve.. no one else...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 9:19:12 AM   
BlindUnknown


Posts: 66
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		to the <OP>

i'm not quite sure what you want from the relationship anymore.  If it's 3 1/2 years, there are two possibilities.

1) It's a lame pretext to just leave because he sees greener pastures of some kind, or
2) This isn't an isolated incident, and this kind of thing has happened before, and it's one time too many.

i only say the second because i broke off a relationship recently where the girl in question always had an excuse not to talk to me, and i was patient for three months, but it never stopped, and eventually, i realized there was no relationship anymore, no compromise, it was my giving, her taking.  It's been about two weeks since we had our last big fight and all hope evaporated, and it still makes me physically ill (yes that way) i miss her so much. 

i don't want to accuse you of anything, but people are already questioning your honesty.  He may not be contacting you because he wants to distance himself. 

Just thought someone should play devil's advocate.  We haven't heard his story.

< Message edited by BlindUnknown -- 1/30/2007 9:20:21 AM >

_____________________________

Remember...the Dominant has power -in- the relationship, the sub has power -over- it.
Kioku shta ka?
"If Light and Darkness are eternal, than surely Nothings must be the same!"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 9:36:40 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Wow, this can be a toughie for some. I say yes, but don't count on getting it.
I broke it off with my ex-Dominant last Fall, due to a non-consensually abusive incident (and a serious one). However, the caveat is that he belongs to a social organization (not bdsm related) that I also am quite actively involved in, and I periodically see him at events for that group, when we both attend. This happened in mid-January (at a party), and was not a comfortable evening for me at first, but graduallly I became used to seeing him there, as the evening wore on.

Basically, we tried to ignore eachother (the other folks in the group are not aware of our bdsm relationship at all), and I am pretty sure - positive in fact - he wouldn't want any of them to know - they are all "vanilla" (I think, anyway), and he has a pretty high-profile job at a bank, so I think I am in no danger as far as him threatening my own "rep" w/my "vanilla" acquaintances, or anything -  but it's just plain weird for me, though.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/30/2007 9:40:32 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 11:47:07 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear eroticBBWsub, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I would write to your former Dominant what you have proffered to us on the forums.
 
True, each of us (in general terms) have bad days and out of sorts.  However, when there is a change in health conditions, be it physical, mental, emotional and or spiritual; it is hard for everybody involved.
It goes back to the statement made ages ago; when a person close to you has a health issue, like cancer and or a heart condition in your case; everybody has the heart condition and or cancer.
 
Reality is, when there are changes--its out of both the Dominant's and or submissive/slave's hands; it will change how things are done.  If your health is in danger--you have to be the one who champions your health and surviving.  If another won't share the experience; one is better off alone then to deal with your health issues and someone with a bad attitude as well.
 
The time is to invest in yourself.  Invest in yourself.  Indeed you have a right, a need, a duty to have closure.  When you have closure, you close the book on what was.  Another book opens where you start writing on what is.
 
Lass, I hope you get well very soon.  Take good care of yourself.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
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