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After Care - 1/30/2007 2:09:30 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		A friend has asked me for advice and i'm stuck completely as to what to tell her having no experience of what she is going through. Shes not a member of CM so i said i would post and see what you good people can come up with.
 
She has got involved in a poly relationship of sorts. There is the Dom, his main sub and her. She knew when she got involved that the main sub was the priority but was told that she would be cared for, cared about etc.
 
They had their first public play on Saturday night at a local club and afterwards she stayed at the Doms house. The main sub slept in the spare room and she slept in bed with the Dom. They were intimate.
 
The next day the main sub and her went to visit the Dom at work and then she was taken home. The Dom called her that night to ensure she was ok and the following day. He arranged to visit her today as she was suffering quite badly with her first experience of sub drop. She waited in all day and finally got a text around 7pm to say he couldnt make it.
 
When she phoned him she was told that the main sub was ill and he had had to go there to look after her. She knows the main sub is ill and does not dispute this. She was told he could not do anything about this and that she had always been aware she was not the priority. He has said he will phone her tomorrow and try to pop over but she is struggling to understand how he can just leave her like this. She feels abandoned, uncared for and completely alone.
 
My question is have you any advice for her? I sure as hell cant think of any other than that i feel it being her first public play, her first drop she should have been better cared for.

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:16:06 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		She's in subdrop and feeling a bit overneedy.  In fact, he's being very generous and accommodating from what I can tell.  Her feelings are understandable (if irrational), but she needs to NOT do anything right now, let it ride itself out and can get more perspective.

For now, everything seems legit, file under "Shit happens" and move on. 

Adding:

If she finds herself with this sort of hyper emotional response every time something legitimate comes up, she may have to re-evaluate whether this relationship with her level of priority is really what will work for her.  I must say it's surprising that they sound like the dom plays regularly, but have only JUST had their first scene together and yet she considers herself committed to the relationship.  There might be a lot of new relationship energy working itself out also.

It's too early to tell anything really but for now, it honestly seems to be going as normal good life should be going.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 1/30/2007 2:18:22 PM >

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:18:50 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I say this in the most caring way, though it sounds cold......I think she's just not really cut out for poly-type relationships, and I think she should just chalk this up to a learning experience and hold out for a relationship where she is truly cared for. 

It's obvious that the dom and sub are emotionally involved and your friend is most likely just fulfilling a fantasy for them.  When you're the "other woman" you do always come second, we all know that. 

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:19:58 PM   
asassylilslave


Posts: 93
Status: offline 		I have to agree with LuckyAlbatross on this. She just needs to ride it out and suck it up.

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:24:21 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Should have/could have.

Obviously no-one can predict these things. I'd say that it's unfortunate but an example of what * the main sub having priority* actually means.

If he's made the decision that his ill sub took priority over another's sub-drop, first public play or not,.......only being more informed than HIM would make it possible to decide that he could have/should have made a better decision, despite what she's feeling.

agirl



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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:30:57 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		 must say it's surprising that they sound like the dom plays regularly, but have only JUST had their first scene together and yet she considers herself committed to the relationship.

They have been speaking for a couple of months and he was always upfront with her about the poly issue. She took her time deciding if it was what she wanted  and they discussed it pretty well from what she has told me. This appears to be a big learning curve for her. He knows she has had bad relationship history and has abandonment issues.
I can see that it is an unfortunate bad timing episode that she does need to chalk up to shit happens but i also feel that sending a text to say he couldnt make it and not exactly making her feel any better when she called him is not maybe the kind of after care she needs.

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:34:21 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
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I think everyone reacts to things differently, especially submissive feelings and sub-drop.  I think until she scenes again and experiences more feelings and emotions, she can't 100% label this experience in a certain way.  People are very quick to label things, assume things or rationalize them ... when in fact they need to pull away from the thoughts or experiences ... let it ride out ... and wait to see how things are in the future again, before deciding what is is and isn't.


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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:42:38 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
I can see that it is an unfortunate bad timing episode that she does need to chalk up to shit happens but i also feel that sending a text to say he couldnt make it and not exactly making her feel any better when she called him is not maybe the kind of after care she needs.

Maybe, but it's what he's willing to give. at this point.  She needs to decide for herself whether that will work for her or not.

And again, this is the FIRST time it's happened.  Mistakes are bound to be made, new territory means growing pains and readjustments.  THIS is why we talk about communication so much- it's the only thing that gets you through this.

And frankly, it was the next day- not an hour or two.  I know drop can happen anytime after an event, but unless she knew ahead of time that her drop usually hits worst the next day and communicated that to him, there's no reason I can see for him to consider her drop a specific "need to be there" event. 

Even then, we don't know how sick the other sub was.

Again, I personally feel that the dom has done everything exceedingly well considering what we can take to be factual at this point. 



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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:50:11 PM   
sensualmagirl


Posts: 1065
Joined: 7/4/2006
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline 		Not giving much advice, not sure I have anything more enlightening to say, but, I had a related question.  What is "sub-drop"? Thanks!

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:52:06 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensualmagirl
Not giving much advice, not sure I have anything more enlightening to say, but, I had a related question.  What is "sub-drop"? Thanks!

The low after the high.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_743958/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#744221
sub drop please help

http://www.collarchat.com/m_649399/mpage_1/key_subdrop/tm.htm#649697
Coming down from the glorious heights

http://www.collarchat.com/m_522013/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#522021
sub drop, definitions, causes, cures, and prevention

http://www.collarchat.com/m_512884/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#513003
Your insight is needed please

http://www.collarchat.com/m_487853/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#488083
sub drop (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_460639/mpage_1/key_subdrop/tm.htm#460834
regaining balance after deep subspace

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202168/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#202459
sub-drop what is it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_345419/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#345462
highs and lows

http://www.collarchat.com/m_398653/mpage_1/key_sub%252Cdrop/tm.htm#399164
subdrop or what?

Is it drop or am I kidding myself?

Depression after a scene

Sub Drop

Nervous sub seeks reassurance

sleeping...


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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 2:53:31 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		I know drop can happen anytime after an event, but unless she knew ahead of time that her drop usually hits worst the next day and communicated that to him, there's no reason I can see for him to consider her drop a specific "need to be there" event. 
Being her first public play and drop i guess noone could have known how she would feel etc. From what she has said she spoke to him on the phone yesterday and was very down which he tried to help with. She said she had got up feeling better today but that when he was unable to come she dropped again.
Whilst i agree with all the points everyone has made im a little reluctant to tell her to suck it up or ride it out. Is there anything she can do herself to make it feel any less painful?

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:06:07 PM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline 		I think the Dom is giving as much as he can, after all he can only be in one place at a time. I am not saying sub drop isnt hard to handle or that she should be left alone but he is contacting her and seems to be trying to help her through it. I am sure he didnt plan for " the main sub " to get sick.

My advice would be to sleep as much as possible, take a warm bubble bath, pamper yourself, talk to friends and ride it out. I know it is hard but not impossible.

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:07:06 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Being her first public play and drop i guess noone could have known how she would feel etc. From what she has said she spoke to him on the phone yesterday and was very down which he tried to help with. She said she had got up feeling better today but that when he was unable to come she dropped again.
Whilst i agree with all the points everyone has made im a little reluctant to tell her to suck it up or ride it out. Is there anything she can do herself to make it feel any less painful?

Yes, read threads reference above.

This is her first scene EVER?  With ANYONE?  But she's been speaking with the couple for months?  Is she brand new and trying out her first ever relationship as a beta-type?

Also give her the point that this is just the first WEEK of their relationship- if things are to make it in the long term, she'll have to keep perspective and deal with the ups and downs without falling apart.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 1/30/2007 3:09:12 PM >

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:14:40 PM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		He appears to have done everything within reason to hold up His end of the bargain.  Everyone also appears to have been upfront and understanding about about the priorities.  It's great to see.


I think agirl nailed it.  She's had to find out first hand what being second in the relationship entails.  Perhaps there's nothing you can tell her that will soothe this bout, but maybe you could suggest, having now experienced this, she prepare herself with a back up means of support so she's better prepared for the next time it might happen.


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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:15:22 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		This is her first scene EVER?
Yes, she has experienced some mild play but never an intense scene.

But she's been speaking with the couple for months? 
Yes shes been speaking with and has met up with the Dom a few times over the past couple of months.
The sub well from what i understand she is an ex of his and they have just got back together in the last few weeks. When my friend started to talk to the Dom she was aware of the sub but just that they were talking about getting back together and he was unsure at the time he wanted to go back. My friend has only had limited contact with the sub but she says they get on very very well.
 
Is she brand new and trying out her first ever relationship as a beta-type?
Basically yes.
 
I think thats possibly why shes feeling it so hard. I guess its all just so new to her and a world full of experiences she feels overwhelmed. She keeps saying she is on a big learning curve and finding it quite difficult.

< Message edited by missturbation -- 1/30/2007 3:18:49 PM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:18:43 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
I think thats possibly why shes feeling it so hard. I guess its all just so new to her and a world full of experiences she feels overwhelmed. She keeps saying she is on a big learning curve and finding it quite difficult.

Wow ok, can't deny that. 

But I WOULD keep reminding her that this is her choice to make and the one she decided for herself what was right.  There are lots of things she can do to take care of herself and make her feel better, but more so it will be time and experience that teaches her.  She's gotta hunker down till then.



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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:22:19 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		maybe you could suggest, having now experienced this, she prepare herself with a back up means of support so she's better prepared for the next time it might happen.

I think thats a great idea thanks.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:29:43 PM   
syreena


Posts: 36
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		While i agree that communication is key here there are some things she could do.  First of all, make sure she is taking care of herself - water, getting her chemicals in her body correct, eating and sleeping well.  Second, i would recommend that she start a scene journal that she can write down all of her feelings good and bad and then in a proper time communicate them to the Dom.  It should be agreed upon before hand that what is written in the journal will not receive any retribution and this way she can write both good and bad feelings - there are many places on line or do it in a regular journal book.  Third, if you can have the Dom give her a small task to do so she can focus on her service to Him.  Finally, continue to be her good friend right now she just more than likely needs to vent and figure out the "overwhelmingness" that she is experiencing.  It could have been that during the scene some emotions that she had buried have been brought to the surface.

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:37:23 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		 Third, if you can have the Dom give her a small task to do so she can focus on her service to Him.

I actually think she may be a little unsure exactly what her service to him is. Whilst they have talked and talked and talked the only impression i get from her is that they are having a casual relationship. What that entails she seems a little sketchy on. Sorry off topic a little there.
 
Im trying to be there for her but i think she just needs a big hug from him and to talk her feelings through which she hasnt really been able to do yet.
 

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: After Care - 1/30/2007 3:55:05 PM   
desires2


Posts: 39
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline 		It sounds like an emotionally challenging scene for your friend to be involved in.  Especially since she has had bad relationships in the past and fears abandonment.  I am not poly~and never would be, but, it does not sound like the Dom can give your friend everything she needs for aftercare if he has another sub to attend to.  I think for it to be a poly relationship he handled it quite well.  Maybe she should re-evaluate what it is she is looking for in a Dom.  If she experiences this type of sub drop and feelings like she did with this one, she might be better suited to find a Dom of her own.  I wish her luck in whatever she decides.  You are a good friend to look out for her and seek advice for her. 

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