What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it?

What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (Full Version)

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tade -> What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 2:58:13 PM)
I've seen a few posts along the lines of "I am meeting my master for the first time" lately. I know that I don't understand the whole online submission thing as a way of life and I am fine with that, but that phrase just struck me as odd. How is it that you(as a submissive) can feel so strongly about someone as to call them your master without ever having even been alone in a room with them? Are you so desperate for the act that you willingly bow down to the first DomlyBear305 that comes along with a silver tongue and good writing skills? I myself would not want such a "slave" as anything more than a chat friend and way to pass the time in between poker hands, online or otherwise. I know it could just be symantics and I know that word Master conjures up all sorts of emotions, but I can't help but wonder how something so meaningful (to most of us at least) could be tossed around so lightly. Then again Love gets thrown around alot without much thought now a days as well. Thoughts?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 3:04:00 PM)
Frenzy. They are so needy to BE in a relationship that they forget what actually MAKES a relationship.

BlindUnknown -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 4:36:27 PM)
It all depends, i guess. i myself consider the term "mistress" stupid, it's so cliche and, like "master", has no real impact to me since everyone uses it. i believe the nicknames given should have meaning, not just on the sub's end but also the dominant's. Also, a D/s relationship, for most people (myself not among them) doesn't require love. You can simply like a person and call them 'master', but, i would advise the sub in such a relationship to avoid the term "slave" since slave is something that requires total 100% trust, if people want to sub online, i don't really care, there are people i'd do that for, knowing personal contact was imminent of course. Other people just need guidance and are clingy shrug

goodpet -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 4:44:12 PM)
I don't see how either. It is one thing to use it as title., Sir X, Master Z, Mitress Y. but to call someone "my" Master and you have not even met yet? LA hit it on the head... very needy and not thinking. it takes a long time to establish the feelings and relationship for a solid Master/slave or Dom/sub. Even with the internet and phone, i don't see how that can happen without face to face meetings. but so many do.. they make a commitment without ever actually meeting the person.. makes my head spin to see them jump in so fast and then whoosh.. they are out again..

ExSteelAgain -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 5:26:31 PM)
Think about the Dom who takes all the time to be an online Master. To me he is just as needy as the sub who accepts it. Come to think of it, maybe they are perfect for each other.

hisannabelle -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 5:31:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Frenzy. They are so needy to BE in a relationship that they forget what actually MAKES a relationship. amen. my previous dominant and i were in an ldr that started out as an online friendship, then after our first rl meeting, we decided to go the way of a d/s relationship, so i knew him very well before it ever came time to defer to him as his submissive. my current dominant and i dated for a little while before deciding that we felt right together, and as we both had previous bdsm experience (mine more d/s, his more s&m), and i really wanted that to be a part of our relationship and he was willing to try it, it kind of became assimilated as the main dynamic in our relationship. i have a hard time imagining, unless a long online friendship or relationship has built up, the possibility of feeling "owned" by someone without having spent at least some time in their physical presence (online relationships aside...i'm referring more to people who meet someone and decide they want to be collared by them and know that it's going to be a real life relationship but don't even wait until going out or scening for the first time before developing the "my master" attachment). as far as online relationships go...that's already being debated on the ask a submissive board with a lot of passionate feelings from all sides. i don't necessarily believe that online relationships can't work, but i do think that in the very long term (5-10 yearsish) they are unrealistic, in my opinion. i can see how, after talking to one another online and by phone for several months, one might think of domlybear305 as their master during their first offline meeting - because an emotional connection has already been established. but there are certainly people who toss around collars like candy as well.

sub10dcies -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 5:37:07 PM)
I completely agree with the theory that these "subs" or "slaves" are just plain desperate. I will also add that not only are they desperate, but I feel that they are completely ignorant to what the lifestyle is really and truly about. Don't get me wrong, I am, by far, no expert on the subject. I am completely new to this lifestyle, BUT I know enough that an online personality can always be far from what reality is. To me, from personal experience with chatting with fellow "subies" I have notice that many are just curious about he fantasy of having a Master, but when it comes down to it, they are way out of thier true elements. But this also holds true to the self-claimed cyber "MASTERS" .. ha, ha .. many of those also need to be watched out for.

Squeakers -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 6:09:25 PM)
I sincerely think it's all about knowing the person---does a real time first meeting/play session automatically constitute it as being Master slave/sub? Now I can understand the fallacy of speaking online for three days and instant ownership, but on the other hand, I can't see instant meeting instant ownership. For me, I was not looking to hook up when I met my One. We met online and became fast friends and because of the distance at the time, we didn't meet for several years. After about a year there was a very strong emotional bond which only became stronger once we did meet. I for one think it is extreemely possible to have strong feelings for a person without having a face to face. I was fully aware before the first meeting that there may not be chemistry there once we did meet. Luckily the chemistry was there. On the flip side, I have known people who have had a very strong chemistry meeting face to face say at a club, but they don't click on a mental level. Because that chemistry is so strong, at times they move quickly into a real time 24/7 relationship and find that because they have not clicked on other levels, they are on a site like CM complaining because things have changed. I think there is a desperation aspect to some who move things too quickly and it doesn't necessarily have to be limited to just online. As a side note, neither of us are nubes to D/s or BDSM.

Noah -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 6:10:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tade I've seen a few posts along the lines of "I am meeting my master for the first time" lately. I know that I don't understand the whole online submission thing as a way of life and I am fine with that, but that phrase just struck me as odd. How is it that you(as a submissive) can feel so strongly about someone as to call them your master without ever having even been alone in a room with them? Are you so desperate for the act that you willingly bow down to the first DomlyBear305 that comes along with a silver tongue and good writing skills? I myself would not want such a "slave" as anything more than a chat friend and way to pass the time in between poker hands, online or otherwise. I know it could just be symantics and I know that word Master conjures up all sorts of emotions, but I can't help but wonder how something so meaningful (to most of us at least) could be tossed around so lightly. Then again Love gets thrown around alot without much thought now a days as well. Thoughts? What I don't understand is how you can use a phrase like "I'm fine with that" and then go on to deal in so many ignorant and confused assumptions. You assume that questions about desparation will be on point. You assume that any relationship which began online was necessarily conducted with the very first person who came along. You assume that you know whether you would desire such a "slave" (note your derisive scare quotes) without ever even finding out who it is you're talking about or anything about them except the single fact that they happen to be willing to attempt something that quite flummoxes you. I mean if you can disqualify people without so much as ever having a single interaction with them of any kind, I think you are some kind of ninja warrior of long-distance relationships. That is pretty advanced stuff to be doing online, tade. For my part I have to learn a few things about a person, and some context for those things, before I can deem them utterly unworthy of me. I guess you are just that much better at this whole online thing than I am. You assume that something is being thrown around lightly. In many cases I'm sure it is, just as people who meet face-to-fac sometimes throw things around lightly, marry and divorce lightly. collar and de-collar lightly. I'm aware that there are plenty of instances in which the process you're talking about happens with considerable gravity and far more depth of meaning than a spate of commercial dungeon play or in any face-to-face relationships in which people withhold and mislead. Submission happens in the mind and heart. If no one can have access to your mind or heart without being in your presence, then that is just the way it is. I'm not being facetious when I say that if that is the case I feel sorry for you. This is something you don't understand, and yet you cloak your "attempt at understanding" with all sorts of desultory crap. If you didn't understand the first thing about speaking Portugese would you go to a language forum and introduce your "desire to learn about" Portugese with a lot of talk about the various ways in which anyone who speaks that language is deficient, and about how very deficient that language itself is? About how maybe it isn't even a real language at all but just some noises to make in preparation for actual speech? Maybe you would. I don't know you. Do you think that would be the most effective way to expand your knowledge? The problem here isn't semantics. It is ignorance. Yours. And I mean that in a richer sense than just your almost complete lack of knowledge. There is a lot to learn here,and there are good ways to learn it. You just don't give the impression of being very sincere about wanting to.

Squeakers -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 6:15:01 PM)
Excellant post Noah.

adaddysgirl -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 6:28:30 PM)
i recall a couple who did online for around a year. They did emails, chat, phone and cam. After a year, he purchased a collar and sent it to her to wear, without ever meeting her first. She called him Master and he called her his slave. They actually met about 6 months later (yes, she said she was going to meet her Master). Sorry, i don't know how it turned out....lol....but i was hoping it went well for them. i guess people just have to go about establishing relationships in their own way.....whether we may do it that way or not. i personally try not to judge them. But, i have seen on here, where a sub joins up say Jan 1 and by Jan 15, she's a slave to a Master. So go figure! Edited to add: Shit happens [:-] Daddysgirl

Noah -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 6:30:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sub10dcies I completely agree with the theory that these "subs" or "slaves" are just plain desperate. I will also add that not only are they desperate, but I feel that they are completely ignorant to what the lifestyle is really and truly about. Don't get me wrong, I am, by far, no expert on the subject. I am completely new to this lifestyle, BUT I know enough that an online personality can always be far from what reality is. To me, from personal experience with chatting with fellow "subies" I have notice that many are just curious about he fantasy of having a Master, but when it comes down to it, they are way out of thier true elements. But this also holds true to the self-claimed cyber "MASTERS" .. ha, ha .. many of those also need to be watched out for. You "know enough that an online personality can always be far from what reality is." That's terrific. Do you also know that the person you court with for years and eventually marry and live with can turn out to be very different than what he seems to rpesent himself as? And do you know that the liklihood of this rises proportionally with your willingness to proceed based upon your presumptions and preconceptions rather than opening yourself up to actually encounter the person? Do you know that there are people in the world who don't tremble and quake with fear that everyone the meet will lie to them and cheat them and so need to be checked up on and verified like some criminal in a methadone program? These tend to be the people who themselves don't do a lot of lying and cheating. And thank heaven they have ways of recognizing one another and sahring richly together, for the most part without having to fearful, narrow-minded people who deem aything thay can't undewrstand or do themselves to be impossible or deficient. Oh this post of yours is choice stuff. You arrived on this morning's bus and have had a few conversations with a few people and are in a position to perform elaborate psychological diagnoses and to evaluate the character of any number of people you yourself have never even spoken to, never mind met. So this can be done. This level of intimacy with a whole group of individuals can be achieved in a few hours of chatroom lurking. How interesting, Conversely, two people who choose for their own reasons or who are limited by circumstances to communicating at a distance for a considerable time, who take a good deal of time together and share richly of themselves and their experiences, these people are to be derided for coming to conclusions about one another. Are the two pillars of human interaction for you people Lack of Imagination and Ignorance? What I really like about threads like this is the reminder they provide to be grateful for all the people I know who don't live their lives based on preconceptions and prejudices. The irony of it all presents itself when I consider how many such people I count as friends, or more, who I met and got to know online.

adaddysgirl -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 6:46:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Noah This is something you don't understand, and yet you cloak your "attempt at understanding" with all sorts of desultory crap. If you didn't understand the first thing about speaking Portugese would you go to a language forum and introduce your "desire to learn about" Portugese with a lot of talk about the various ways in which anyone who speaks that language is deficient, and about how very deficient that language itself is? About how maybe it isn't even a real language at all but just some noises to make in preparation for actual speech? Maybe you would. I don't know you. Do you think that would be the most effective way to expand your knowledge? The problem here isn't semantics. It is ignorance. Yours. And I mean that in a richer sense than just your almost complete lack of knowledge. There is a lot to learn here,and there are good ways to learn it. You just don't give the impression of being very sincere about wanting to. i really hate to hijack this but people do this all the time here. Many will say is 'i just don't understand how others can do (or get into) xyz'. But they are not really trying to understand it and just accept it for whatever it is.....they really don't want to understand it and would just rather belittle it in some way. Happens all the time. After a prolonged discussion on CP last week, i came across a post of yours which contained a sentiment i wish i had seen while in the midst of that thread. It was perfect for the point i was trying to make. Alas....i saw it too late [&o] and felt it would just drag up a bunch of shit again, so i let it go. But it was a point similar to this one here. Some things (and people) just never change i guess [sm=noway.gif] And i am really not directing this to the OP personally, but to some people in general. DG

amiciaN -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 6:50:46 PM)
My Master NChaka and I started out as friends because I had just started seeing someone who lived a couple of hours away. We talked almost daily as O/our online times were during the same hours. After several months, I had to be tested for muscular dystrophy. The "dominant" I had been seeing had a very hostile reaction when I told him about it and then poofed. It was NChaka who was there day after day as I waited nearly 3 months to get a test that could drastically alter my life's path. Two weeks before my test, He offered me His collar and I accepted, never having met face to face. W/we had chatted (not cybered) via text or video IM at least once a day, often twice and for a couple of hours at a time for 5 months. Once He collared me, I was His all the time, not just online. At the same time, W/we acknowledged that it was not the same as "real life" and meeting face to face was a must though it would be another 9 months before that could happen. The day He put His collar around my neck "online" is just as important as the day He put it there with His own hands. That is the day He became my Master. The night He put His collar around my neck with His own hands is the day the relationship was consumated (and also very special. ). I accepted NChaka's collar before meeting Him face to face because He was the right match for my needs. He was my Friend before He became my Master. He is just as capable as providing the guidance, structure and boundaries I need via video as He is with U/us sitting across the table from each O/other. W/we can see the O/other's face and hear just as well. Is it ideal? No, but it is viable, as is evidenced by the collar that is still around my neck almost a year and half later. Was I desperate for a collar when He offered His? Not at all. If I had been I would have been collared to the man that poofed on me. I had spent almost 2 years exploring wiitwd and refining what my needs and interests truly were and what I thought were the qualities the right dominant *for me* would have. I am NChaka's because He is the right match, in spite of the difficulties of an ldr. The proof that He is the right "One" is in the strides I have made as a person and as His submissive under His loving guidance and care. As always, this is only my opinion and experience. Every person/relationship is different. ymmv P.S. I an sorry for the length of this post and apologize if I hijacked the thread, but there has been a lot of negative reaction to online/long distance relationships lately and I felt the need to point out how at least one came into being and works remarkably well given the obvious limitations. Relationships are good or bad depending on the people involved, the appropriateness of the match, and the connection between them. The medium through which that connection is established and maintained becomes secondary to relationship itself. But just for the record, being physically with and serving my Master in person for a few brief weeks once a year (for now) truly sucks!

ownedgirlie -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 7:08:08 PM)
Thanks, Noah, for standing for the cause. My Master affected me so profoundly, in both the written and spoken word, that he owned me before I would even admit it. By the time I met him in person, I was already more drawn in to him than I had been to anybody in an extremely long time. After two months of intense, gratifying, amazing interaction, my life had already begun to change. I was mentally and emotionally growing to become fully enslaved to him, because I felt his power, and because of the effect he was already having on the way I viewed myself and those around me. In other words, he was exactly what I needed in a Master. I came to him for our first meeting, to present myself to him in the hopes of becoming his owned slave. By morning there was no doubt in either of our minds. 2 1/2 years later I am involved in the strongest, most life changing, most wonderful relationship I have ever been in, in my life. I look at such posts referring to people like me as desperate and ignorant and can only grin. I suppose those with the most closed of minds can only spew insults at that which they do not understand. But what other defense have they for their own ignorance and short sightedness? I continue to be delighted that I chose HIS way rather than to listen to such advise that would have my life continuing down a very bad path. While I do understand there are many out there who practice some sort of "D/s Lite" online (and off, too), let's try not to lump everyone into the same bucket. There really are exceptions to what you might feel is the only way.

juliaoceania -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 7:48:26 PM)
Perhaps their characterization of their relationship does not work for you, but it works for them. It has amused me when I hear someone that talks about what to wear when they meet their master for the first time, and that sort of thing. It is slightly odd, and personally I do not think I would pose such a question to people, but hey, it is a free forum, right? I sincerely believe that the vast majority of those posting questions like "Should I wear underwear the first time I meet master?" or "I am nervous meeting master for the first time, what did you do when you met your master for the first time?" Understand how it sounds to us that do not operate with cyber collars. I think that the vast majority of these questions are inane (not all, but a lot of them). But not all online relationships are inane because a few post questions like these. I think those that do post questions like the one I mentioned above often have no experience, they do not understand that many that are in real life do not throw terms around like this easily... but at the same time my Daddy has told me that many many many people in real time are just as casual with these terms.. having new D/s relationships every time he sees them, doms that collar every sub they date. Subs that have been collared half a dozen times in a year... so it is not just online people that act like this.. and it is a free world, so people should do what pleases them anyways.

sub10dcies -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 7:54:56 PM)
OK ... I stand corrected .. to a certain point, of course. I do admit that my reply did sound as if I OPINIONATED that ALL on line "relationships" are a product of desperation and/or ignorance. I do admit that there are exceptions,as with anything. But I don't appologize for actually thinking that there are A LOT of people who are do ready to fall in love or to accept a person as their Master or their Sub without actually having physical interactions with them. And NO, I am not referring to sex.. I'm referring to actual experiences. The best example I can ever give is the following .. Have you ever had a best friend, someone that you would give the world to becuase he or she deserved and earned it ... but never in a million years would you care to live with that person, only because you know that, not matter what or how much you have in common, you could never have that type of closeness without it actually sabotaging the relationship? How could anyone really conclude that the on line chemistry will really spill onto R/T? ... My opinion is not based on prejudice thought or presumptions, they are based on having met a few people on line that I truly thought that I had a great chemistry with, then once I actually shared a few R/T experiences with (again, not sexually)then I discovered that I was wrong..

ownedgirlie -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 8:07:06 PM)
I appreciate your ammended thoughts and agree there are lots of folks out there who enter into relationships out of desperation and ignorance...but this is the case in all walks of life - D/s, vanilla, online, offline. I thought the man I dated for two years would make a great husband, after all. My point was that people shouldn't all be lumped so critically into one bucket. If you stick around the forums awhile, you'll see there are many exceptions to your initial speculation. But I do appreciate your reply. Thank you, and welcome to our humble abode :)

junecleaver -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 8:19:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tade I've seen a few posts along the lines of "I am meeting my master for the first time" lately. I know that I don't understand the whole online submission thing as a way of life and I am fine with that, but that phrase just struck me as odd. How is it that you(as a submissive) can feel so strongly about someone as to call them your master without ever having even been alone in a room with them? Are you so desperate for the act that you willingly bow down to the first DomlyBear305 that comes along with a silver tongue and good writing skills? I myself would not want such a "slave" as anything more than a chat friend and way to pass the time in between poker hands, online or otherwise. I know it could just be symantics and I know that word Master conjures up all sorts of emotions, but I can't help but wonder how something so meaningful (to most of us at least) could be tossed around so lightly. Then again Love gets thrown around alot without much thought now a days as well. Thoughts? The entire tone of your post makes me wary. You are very condescending of something you claim to be with. The word Master doesn't mean that much to me. Honestly, it kind of makes me giggle. Because I think of my friends in high school always saying things like, 'Yes Massah.' when I asked them to do something. Does this make me less submissive? I met my Dominant online. It was clear to me after a few conversations who would be in control if we chose to persue a relationship. Does that count as being desperate? And at the end of the day, does it really matter what two people decide to do or what they decide to call themselves? Does it take away from your power dynamic or the importance of the words Master and slave in your personal life? If it does, I'm kind of sad for you. Submissive is just a label I used to help me find someone compatible with me. It's not a label I gave myself so I could belong to a special group of people or make myself feel better than others.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: What is it you "need" in a master and how do you get it? (1/31/2007 8:27:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Noah quote: ORIGINAL: tade I've seen a few posts along the lines of "I am meeting my master for the first time" lately. I know that I don't understand the whole online submission thing as a way of life and I am fine with that, but that phrase just struck me as odd. How is it that you(as a submissive) can feel so strongly about someone as to call them your master without ever having even been alone in a room with them? Are you so desperate for the act that you willingly bow down to the first DomlyBear305 that comes along with a silver tongue and good writing skills? I myself would not want such a "slave" as anything more than a chat friend and way to pass the time in between poker hands, online or otherwise. I know it could just be symantics and I know that word Master conjures up all sorts of emotions, but I can't help but wonder how something so meaningful (to most of us at least) could be tossed around so lightly. Then again Love gets thrown around alot without much thought now a days as well. Thoughts? What I don't understand is how you can use a phrase like "I'm fine with that" and then go on to deal in so many ignorant and confused assumptions. You assume that questions about desparation will be on point. You assume that any relationship which began online was necessarily conducted with the very first person who came along. You assume that you know whether you would desire such a "slave" (note your derisive scare quotes) without ever even finding out who it is you're talking about or anything about them except the single fact that they happen to be willing to attempt something that quite flummoxes you. I mean if you can disqualify people without so much as ever having a single interaction with them of any kind, I think you are some kind of ninja warrior of long-distance relationships. That is pretty advanced stuff to be doing online, tade. For my part I have to learn a few things about a person, and some context for those things, before I can deem them utterly unworthy of me. I guess you are just that much better at this whole online thing than I am. You assume that something is being thrown around lightly. In many cases I'm sure it is, just as people who meet face-to-fac sometimes throw things around lightly, marry and divorce lightly. collar and de-collar lightly. I'm aware that there are plenty of instances in which the process you're talking about happens with considerable gravity and far more depth of meaning than a spate of commercial dungeon play or in any face-to-face relationships in which people withhold and mislead. Submission happens in the mind and heart. If no one can have access to your mind or heart without being in your presence, then that is just the way it is. I'm not being facetious when I say that if that is the case I feel sorry for you. This is something you don't understand, and yet you cloak your "attempt at understanding" with all sorts of desultory crap. If you didn't understand the first thing about speaking Portugese would you go to a language forum and introduce your "desire to learn about" Portugese with a lot of talk about the various ways in which anyone who speaks that language is deficient, and about how very deficient that language itself is? About how maybe it isn't even a real language at all but just some noises to make in preparation for actual speech? Maybe you would. I don't know you. Do you think that would be the most effective way to expand your knowledge? The problem here isn't semantics. It is ignorance. Yours. And I mean that in a richer sense than just your almost complete lack of knowledge. There is a lot to learn here,and there are good ways to learn it. You just don't give the impression of being very sincere about wanting to. Thank You Noah for phrasing it so much better than I..I know of many relationship that have started on line and continued on line for quite a while without the R/L meet....and have been successful..KOM for one...little pita for another ad infinitum...Different strokes thing once again...:0)...Tempting

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