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More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:07:21 PM   
softcoresicko


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline 		I've been wondering for quite a while, but haven't really had a chance to ask.  What is more important for a successful long term relationship; shared fetishes or common interests outside of the lifestyle?  Would you consider being involved with someone who shares all of your kinks, but has nothing else in common with you?  Is it possible to be happy with someone who understands all your nonsexual interests, but expects a different type of relationship, perhaps one that doesn't involve fetishes at all?

I realize that this is the sort of question that depends on the people involved in the relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions, so that I know how to approach the relationship search.  Thank you for any comments you feel are appropriate.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:20:10 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		IMO there has to be more than sex and kink, otherwise it's hardly a relationship is it? You'd have nothing in common to talk about during the "down time"

Master and I share interests as well as having our own. We laugh and joke together. The kink is the icing on the cake for us, but if it wasn't there we'd still be in the relationship

*We have been together 3 years btw*

(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:30:20 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I think a LTR would require both to be totally monogamous.  There's always going to be downtime, so it's good to share common interests and be able to have good conversation. As far as totally vanilla long term, that would be a big mistake unless the vanilla partner knew about and had no problem with the kinky partner satisfying his or her urges elsewhere. Otherwise it would never work long term without cheating.

(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:32:04 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softcoresicko

I've been wondering for quite a while, but haven't really had a chance to ask.  What is more important for a successful long term relationship; shared fetishes or common interests outside of the lifestyle?  Would you consider being involved with someone who shares all of your kinks, but has nothing else in common with you?  Is it possible to be happy with someone who understands all your nonsexual interests, but expects a different type of relationship, perhaps one that doesn't involve fetishes at all?

I realize that this is the sort of question that depends on the people involved in the relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions, so that I know how to approach the relationship search.  Thank you for any comments you feel are appropriate.


I'm coming up on 10 years with my slave and 34 with my husband.  I found you have to balance the two. BDSM fluctuates and vanilla pays the bills.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:32:29 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline 		I fail to see where monogamy is a prerequisite for a LTR. LA hop your butt in here.

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:38:36 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Polygamists are also faithful within the group. I just meant that for a monogamous relationship to last long term for someone in the lifestyle, it would have to involve both vanilla and kink. I didn't come in here polygamy bashing.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:42:39 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline
I didn't think you were. I just don’t feel that Monogamy is the prerequisite for LTR. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and haven’t ever been monogamist.
 
I think what makes a successful LTR is absolute honesty, and the courage to voice exactly what you need and be vocal about your wants.

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 4:51:12 PM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline 		To me, they are about equally important.  When I was new to the lifestyle, I owned a few subs considerably younger than me who were really pretty decent subs, but I really had nothing in common with them at all outside of the lifestyle.  On the other hand, I unfortunately have met some men who would be perfect for me vanilla interests-wise--they share my passion for metaphysics and so many of my other interests, but have absolutely no interest in exploring the lifestyle at all. 
 
My most successful long-term relationships (and the type of relationship I again seek now) had a balance between lifestyle and vanilla interests.  We may not have been a perfect match, but there was enough in common with both vanilla and lifestyle interests to sustain a long-term relationship.  These individuals tended to be around my age, plus or minus ten years.  They are people I loved scening with, but also felt very comfortable with for conversation and vanilla activities.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:04:45 PM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		A good blend of both is what I've found works well for me.  If I wanted someone to do my cooking, cleaning, and laundry for me, and have nothing to talk about with them, I'd hire a housekeeper.

As always, YMMV...
~MrsShadows~

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:07:27 PM   
strangelove222


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		I've been in vanilla relationships and despite having similar interests with the people, I still felt like something was missing. In my most recent relationship, I was craving the D/s aspect of the relationship...and I was with someone who didn't have a dominant bone in her body. She bought some handcuffs and one of those novelty store flogger things (yawn), but she was doing it just to please me. I mean, she tried, but it just didn't come natural for her at all. I felt kind of guilty because I wanted to be satisfied, she was a really good person and I didn't want to hurt her. Anyway,  in that case, neither vanilla interests or "kinky" play did it for me. At least not for long-term. We broke up after two months.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:18:26 PM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld


I didn't think you were. I just don’t feel that Monogamy is the prerequisite for LTR. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and haven’t ever been monogamist.
 
I think what makes a successful LTR is absolute honesty, and the courage to voice exactly what you need and be vocal about your wants.


I was with the same Master for 18 years an we were always poly.
 
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:19:46 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.


Oh crap were is that outed in public thread?

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:23:54 PM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.


Oh crap were is that outed in public thread?


http://www.collarchat.com/m_803762/mpage_3/key_/tm.htm#804147

Ps, i sent you a price guide for the Sprint on the welcome back thread and in your private email as well.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:35:16 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
Ps, i sent you a price guide for the Sprint on the welcome back thread and in your private email as well.


Thankies Twice, can’t wait to get it. By the way, how are the clones coming?

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:43:27 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld


I didn't think you were. I just don’t feel that Monogamy is the prerequisite for LTR. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and haven’t ever been monogamist.
 
I think what makes a successful LTR is absolute honesty, and the courage to voice exactly what you need and be vocal about your wants.


I was with the same Master for 18 years an we were always poly.
 
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.


Loki's a lesbian????  Damn, and I was hoping he was a submissive female using some male avatar in order to put her views out there....Damn! Damn! Damn!  There goes my heart again.....

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:46:34 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Loki's a lesbian????  Damn, and I was hoping he was a submissive female using some male avatar in order to put her views out there....Damn! Damn! Damn!  There goes my heart again.....


No worries. Rumtiger will console you. I broke his heart too.

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:47:24 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		It has to be both for me.

Dominant #1 in my life enjoyed all the same activities as me but we didn't have much else in common. Didn't last.

Dominant #2 had all the same vanilla interests but didn't enjoy most the bedroom activities I desired (we were both kinky, just into different stuff.) That didn't last either..

(in reply to Wulfchyld)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 5:50:05 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softcoresicko

I've been wondering for quite a while, but haven't really had a chance to ask.  What is more important for a successful long term relationship; shared fetishes or common interests outside of the lifestyle?  Would you consider being involved with someone who shares all of your kinks, but has nothing else in common with you?  Is it possible to be happy with someone who understands all your nonsexual interests, but expects a different type of relationship, perhaps one that doesn't involve fetishes at all?

I realize that this is the sort of question that depends on the people involved in the relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions, so that I know how to approach the relationship search.  Thank you for any comments you feel are appropriate.


for me it is not a question of shared kink or shared interests outside of the lifestyle... Granted these things are rather important... but they don't need to be absolutely shared in all areas.  I nice balance will do nicely.

However, what is to me very important is each person have the Character Strengths that is admired and respected by the other.  This is also coupled with having shared values and principles.   These two things to me far outweight having shared kinks or interests.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 6:17:03 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		For me, they are almost equal in importance.

I have to have a slave who shares many of my interests but not all of them -- keeps him interesting and encourages him to learn and grow (me too).

But overall we both have to be committed to the Ds dynamic or I stop being interested in being more than friends. I have a lot of vanilla friends all ready frankly.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/2/2007 6:25:25 PM   
Caitriona


Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		I like a good balance of both, which isn't surprising.  My Lord is not only my lover but my husband as well.  We spent a lot more time together out of the bedroom (so to speak) than we do in there so it is important that we can talk and be comfortable together no matter what's going on.  

_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 20
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