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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 1:28:31 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.


Wow! That's a new one.
 
Tens of thousands of married monogamous vanilla couples have been doing it wrong for years.
 
 Lol, it could explain the divorce rate though.


This is a bdsm thread. Therefore, I was referring to the bdsm population.......duh. Nobody into kink could remain happily monogamous to a totally vanilla partner. Nor could any monogamous relationship last long term with no vanilla common interests. It takes both.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 2/3/2007 1:31:09 PM >

(in reply to twicehappy)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 1:41:08 PM   
GeekyGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Why would a LTR require someone to be completely monogamous?
I think i missed to correlation.

DV


I think the poster was trying to say that a Kinkster would have a difficult time being monogamous with a VANILLA partner. I don't believe she was referring to consentual poly or a relationship were both partners were kinky.

I think she trying to allude to the common excuse, "I cheat on my spouse cause she's vanilla and I need more than that..we have everything in common EXCEPT BDSM."

Although, when reading the orginal post, I wasn't even considering the concept that he might be thinking of dating vanilla girls...when he was discussing difference in BDSM, I thought he meant "I like leather restraints and he likes metal ones" as opposed to "I like kink and she doesn't".

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 1:42:09 PM   
twicehappy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

duh. Nobody into kink could remain happily monogamous to a totally vanilla partner. Nor could any monogamous relationship last long term with no vanilla common interests. It takes both.


Duh yourself, that is not what you wrote. I responded to the post as written.
 
And i'll still disagree with you. Depends on the couple and the individuals within the couple.
 
Perhaps you mean you could not do this.



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(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 1:43:44 PM   
GeekyGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.


Wow! That's a new one.
 
Tens of thousands of married monogamous vanilla couples have been doing it wrong for years.
 
Lol, it could explain the divorce rate though.


Again ya'll are misunderstanding her, I think.

I believe she is trying to say that those of us who are both monogamous AND kinky, will never be happy in a MONGAMOUS VANILLA relationship.

Which I agree with.

ETA: Maybe I only picked up on what she was saying because I feel the same way....I could never be in a monogamous vanilla relationship.


< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 2/3/2007 1:46:17 PM >

(in reply to twicehappy)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 1:56:40 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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Status: offline 		Exactly. Thank you. I just can't understand why so many are  confused about such a simple concept. It truly is amusing.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:02:09 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		You were a little roundabout in the way you said it, and people jumped to take offense.

I understood because I'm in the same boat...How could I, as a monogamouse kinky person, ever be happy with a monogamous vanilla person?

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:08:27 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
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From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I dont know about that either. I have been in perfectly happy vanilla relationships. Its a matter of being happy with the person you are with.  My kink doesnt rule my life, so if I meet someone who I am happy with who happens to be vanilla, I personally know I can be with that person and step away from the lifestyle.  I have done it before. If I werent with Angel and I met someone again, I would do it again. And quite onestly, if thing swith Angel and I for some reason fell to the vanilla and I had to decide between my kink and keeping him, I would step away.

For SOME people, perhaps, being in a LDR or any long term monogamous relationship might require both kink and vanilla aspects.  But not for everyone. I am fairly sure I am not the only lifestyler here who has or would make the choice to take someone they fell in love with over an open relationship, even if they had to forgo their kink for it. 

If I am alone in this position, then please disregard my opinion.  It is, of course, only mine.

DV

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(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:14:18 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		Perhaps it has to do with ones attachment to kink. I would be bored to tears without it. For me, it has to be not just kinky but VERY kinky. That actually contributed to the ruin of my last relationship because although he WAS a dom and WAS kinky he wasn't nearly kinky ENOUGH.

Going vanilla would be out of the question for me.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:14:31 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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Status: offline 		The OP (who is obviously into kink or he wouldn't be on this site) wanted to know which was more important for a LTR kink or vanilla and I said both, then explained why. I specifically said I wasn't bashing polygamists. I've never understood what is so confusing about having both aspects within the same partner. For some reason, this simple concept is baffling to many.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:31:43 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

A long term relationship does not necessarily require monogamy. For the record, I have alot more respect for polygamists than those who go around having casual sex with multiple acquaintences. Polygamists stay faithful within their group and therefore don't spread disease. What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.


Excuse me there is such a thing as safe sex you know. Just because some people decide to have "casual sex with multiple acquaintences" does not mean they spread disease. I think you should consider what you are posting before making sweeping statements such as that.


Safe sex involves no unprotected sex (including unprotected oral) for 6 months just to get an accurate result on an HIV test.

(in reply to susie)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:41:07 PM   
susie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

A long term relationship does not necessarily require monogamy. For the record, I have alot more respect for polygamists than those who go around having casual sex with multiple acquaintences. Polygamists stay faithful within their group and therefore don't spread disease. What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.


Excuse me there is such a thing as safe sex you know. Just because some people decide to have "casual sex with multiple acquaintences" does not mean they spread disease. I think you should consider what you are posting before making sweeping statements such as that.


Safe sex involves no unprotected sex (including unprotected oral) for 6 months just to get an accurate result on an HIV test.


Congratulations. Now please explain why you make the assumption that people having casual sex spread disease. Casual sex does not equal unprotected sex. Perhaps it does to you and those you associate with, it certainly does not for me.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:46:12 PM   
agirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl


What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.





This is a bdsm thread. Therefore, I was referring to the bdsm population.......duh. Nobody into kink could remain happily monogamous to a totally vanilla partner. Nor could any monogamous relationship last long term with no vanilla common interests. It takes both.


I'm not sure if I qualify myself as into kink to the extent that it's an *urge* that I can't possibly live without......but I can envisage being happy and monogamous in a vanilla relationship. There's a hell of a lot of exciting and interesting people in the world and while I live an M/s life, it's not the be all and end all of ALL ways of being. Each  individual brings the possibility of a new way of relating........it's certainly possible that sans M/s, I'd be happy.

If M/s was stripped away from my relationship, I'd still be monogamous, I'd still respect M in exactly the way I do now and I'd still be happy........I can't see much changing.

agirl



(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:48:22 PM   
asubmissiveheart


Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		 The question was which one was more important, we were never asked to make a choice.

< Message edited by asubmissiveheart -- 2/3/2007 2:54:57 PM >

(in reply to softcoresicko)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:48:55 PM   
softcoresicko


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I dont know about that either. I have been in perfectly happy vanilla relationships. Its a matter of being happy with the person you are with.  My kink doesnt rule my life, so if I meet someone who I am happy with who happens to be vanilla, I personally know I can be with that person and step away from the lifestyle.  I have done it before. If I werent with Angel and I met someone again, I would do it again. And quite onestly, if thing swith Angel and I for some reason fell to the vanilla and I had to decide between my kink and keeping him, I would step away.

For SOME people, perhaps, being in a LDR or any long term monogamous relationship might require both kink and vanilla aspects.  But not for everyone. I am fairly sure I am not the only lifestyler here who has or would make the choice to take someone they fell in love with over an open relationship, even if they had to forgo their kink for it. 

If I am alone in this position, then please disregard my opinion.  It is, of course, only mine.

DV


Diurnal Vampire,

That sounds like my take on relationships as well; the person is more important than the kink.  Although, I have limited experience in relationships in general, so perhaps, as GeekyGirl said, I'd be bored without kink in life.  I was just trying to feel out my fellow fetishicists, to find out how important they considered the kinky aspects of their relationships.

And thank you for your comments, defiantbadgirl; I do hope to have both aspects in the same (monogamous) relationship, so your comments proved quite helpful.  Perhaps I should have been clearer in my original post, so that I didn't stir up so many hard feelings...

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:48:59 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Very simple Susie. How many people do you know that actually practice safe oral sex? This includes no bj without a condom and no oral on females without a female condom. Yet these same people who have multiple casual partners go around bashing polygamists. I could never be polygamous because I'd be jealous, but for those into casual sex to bash a group of people who are faithful within the group while they go out and spread disease is flat out hypocritical.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 2/3/2007 2:52:24 PM >

(in reply to susie)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:51:40 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		Simple---
Safe for me, always. If I figure you for a biter or a spitter,  you get a knife at your throat.

Never caught a whiff of a toothmark on my manliness yet.

Ron 


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(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:52:59 PM   
asubmissiveheart


Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		Many here did not seem to read the OP's original question.
He did not ask you to choose, he asked which one was more important {meaning when you have both in a relationship}.
It was never an either/or situation.  For me vanilla interests mean a lot more for a long term relationship to work.  Most
people spend the majority of their lives in vanilla activities whether they like it or not.  BDSM activities if you are lucky
would be at the most 25% of your time.  Having shared vanilla interests is the only way I would be in a serious relationship
with another person.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:58:38 PM   
softcoresicko


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you very much, asubmissiveheart; your comments are quite appreciated.  I will certainly keep looking for someone with whom I can share my vanilla interests.  Thank you again.

(in reply to asubmissiveheart)
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RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 2:58:48 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Simple---
Safe for me, always. If I figure you for a biter or a spitter,  you get a knife at your throat.

Never caught a whiff of a toothmark on my manliness yet.

Ron 



Nor likely to, I imagine ......grin

agirl



(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? - 2/3/2007 3:02:41 PM   
MercilessMarcy


Posts: 80
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		Which is MORE IMPORTANT ?  Erotic is tickling your ass with a feather, Kinky is using the whole chicken.  One is frustrating, one is invigorating!   Okay, seriously folks, this is a BDSM forum, none of us are going to happily give up our kinks.  That being said, for ME to be happy and not bored to tears I require balance.  I need to enjoy my whole world, not just part of it.  My partner needs to share the same values and standards, same code of ethics.  I can always learn to enjoy theatre in the round, star gazing, power boating, bowling, etc.   I have no problem sending him off to enjoy poetry reading (insert any activity) while I go catch the latest action-adventure movie (insert any activity).  However, what's fun for one is twice as nice for two.  I love sharing the same experience and both of us loving it. Vanilla or Kink.

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