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No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 12:10:45 PM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I know this is not the first post of this kind..but when it hits home you do start to think. You would think after being in the lifestyle for quite some time and having even given advise to others about how to avoid the pitfalls of believing what you read (i.e. on-line fakes), you would be immune from falling for the same game. Alas..apparently it isn't so. Having just returned from a 5 hour road trip to meet a prospective sub, one that I had communicated with for months on line..only to be disappointed by being stood up by whoever or whatever...reminded me that we all can victims of the on-line player. 3 times faked out in the last year actually if I include ones who I (we) discovered to be fraudulent before trying to meet them. I fear that the game players are starting to outnumber the real people, such a pity. I am partly venting, partly wanting to warn the new people in the lifestyle, of which it appears to be many lately, that you do certainly have to be careful. Me, oh hell I'll get over it, but newbies tend to set up more extreme meetings, not simple dinner dates...be warned, if experienced Dom/Dommes can be fooled..do not think you can't be. Being stood up is easy to recover from, but by the same token..some things can't be. Be safe..be here tomorrow.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

Post #: 1

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 12:21:18 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I fear that the game players are starting to outnumber the real people, such a pity.

Oh I feel your pain....It seems a person's word certainly does not carry the weight it once did. I don't understand it either as it all ends up coming out in the wash. Pointless. Don't get discouraged.....there are still those of us out here who take things seriously and mean exactly what we say.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 2

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 12:30:24 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

the game players are starting to outnumber the real people

Scooter,

Sorry about your day there buddy. I hope the 5 hours was the round trip total.

Sad thing is that at least when it comes to internet originated meetings the gamers have always outnumbered the real. This medium is a breeding ground for fakes. Some are here only to be fake and count it as a 'point' if they manage to fool someone into wasting their time, energy, and expense coming to meeting. Just look at this site. What victory can be claimed by the multi-personality profiles? The answer is the same - only the victory we allow.

Look, failure to try will only have one result - failure. So you have to keep trying. But to insulate yourself from feeling as you most likely do today I'd recommend you adopt my game plan when I was going through the meeting process. First and foremost - NEVER cyber. Next - schedule a meeting as soon as possible, but no more then a couple weeks from initial contact. But the most important part is the third hint - good meeting planning.

Good planning doesn't mean scripting a scene or thinking about how soon after you shake hands in greeting you'll see the person naked and tied to a bed. It means contingency planning. Using your recent trip as an example, you drove 2 1/2 hours, hopefully as I said, your 5 hours was the round trip. What sites were on your way. Hey, it's Indiana, but I know there are SOME!(?). What about where you were to meet? Any clubs, bars, or even the "world's largest ball of string" close by? The point being that if you're stood up you can still enjoy yourself. Don't be banging the steering wheel all the way back from the 2 1/2 hour trip, be smiling remembering what you did and saw. Ultimately you did accomplish something - you stopped wasting time on the loser you were chatting with on-line.

And hey, don't believe any rationalization for the failed meeting. Things like, "I thought you meant Indianapolis Georgia!" or "I couldn't make it because my cat coughed up a hair ball that looked like Jesus and I wanted to get a picture of it on e-Bay." Or the most common, "I had car problems."; should be considered as real as Elvis sightings. Delete the IM name, and block the sender.

There ARE thousands of real folk out there around you in a much shorter radius then you drove this weekend. You won't find them wasting time with the fakers. Best you can do, is toss as much of the chaff in the air as possible to get to the rarer wheat.

Good LUCK! - Don't give up!

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 3

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 1:27:50 PM

Sunriselady

Posts: 17
Joined: 2/15/2005
Status: offline

What can one say but better luck next time? Unfortunately you are correct: none of us are immune. It sure sucks tho doesn't it?

_____________________________

I know I am not yet what I should be, but I thank God I am not what I once was.

As we have all received gifts let us employ them for the betterment of all.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 4

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 1:32:57 PM

Youtalkingtome

Posts: 112
Joined: 12/8/2004
Status: offline

Sorry this happend.But as you already knew it happens a lot.
It has happened to me a few times.
But now I do as Merc said.
Email for a very short time. A couple weeks and try for the phone.
If they won't meet in a couple weeks chances are they never will.
Some will say that is too soon.And yes it is.But it beats wasting time with fakes.
Cheer up.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 5

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 2:03:12 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Aack, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you after driving such a distance. I'm going to assume you've already checked and it wasn't something such as an accident or misfortune that made her miss the meeting.

We are very much not immune to the players. They ramble a good line. They sound serious because a lot of them are; they just chicken out when the time to put up or shut up comes around. Because we are the type of people who do not stand people up on purpose, (I did once after getting a time wrong.. :-( .. Mea Culpa) we tend towards wanting to believe that someone who sounds real is going to be real. This is not a failing in us. You can not distinguish between someone who is honest, and someone who is honest but lacks courage. This person may have really intended to meet you, but just lacked that courage to follow through. I find a lot of people not meeting me turned out to be cowardice.

When I was meeting people, I was stood up 3/4ths of the time. I finally got to the point that if they wanted to meet me, they showed up someplace I was going to be anyway, such as a munch. I had a lot of guys whine that they didn't want to go to something as public as a munch. I'd offer if they actually showed up to sit at a separate table with them. Very very few actually followed through. Probably about the 1/4th I'd been having show up already. :-) I no longer had the frustration of dealing with flakes and yet was still available to those who were serious. I understand this doesn't work as well for males, because you outnumber the females, but it is a thought. Maybe next time, when you have a far away sub, have them meet you half way. If they flake on you, then you've not done so much driving. Also, try to never meet someone who hasn't given you a cell phone or home phone number. Contact them just before you leave the house to go to the meeting. .. Aw hell, you know all that. Just keep your chin up and don't let the morons get you down.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 6

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 2:26:44 PM

mantis65

Posts: 456
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

I have met a lot of great online friends over the years. People that I will never meet in person but love to talk to so that’s the good part of it.

The bad part is there are way more phonies, game players, scammers and the deranged.
I have given up on the idea for the most part of “meeting” someone online anywhere.
I met one local Domiant Woman online that wanted me to meet her last summer on Yahoo Messenger.
I wouldn’t meet her right away because I wanted to get to know her better.
Her messages become strange and rambling and I realized she was very mentally ill.
I am not saying she was bad person… but after getting to know her online a bit I decided going to her house and letting her tie me up would be a very bad idea.

For a lot of people the computer is just a toy and it’s all a game.
You need to meet real people somewhere

Sorry this happened to you
Mantis

< Message edited by mantis65 -- 3/6/2005 2:28:24 PM >

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 7

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 4:57:03 PM

Nikita

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

I done the road trip thing nearly three hours out of london to meet some IDIOT who didnt turm up and turned off hs mobile then i had to wait till 3am for the coach back luckily I had brought a friend and decided to make the most of the situation and went to a club but the experience has made me decide to withdraw my profile as this just does not seem to be happening for me why do they do it??

Nikita

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 8

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 5:22:44 PM

Vorleben

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/28/2005
Status: offline

Several months ago, I met a lovely Dom. We talked for about a month online, and on the phone, and then decided to meet offline. We actually met twice, and I was terrifed he would stand me up... but he didn't.

Two weeks after our first meet, he disappeared without a trace. No email, no call, no explanation. He never returned my emails or calls or anything... just disappeared from the face of the earth.

It hit me so hard, because I was so attached to him early on. He was the first person I had dated in close to three years.

It happens, even after the first meeting.

Am I allowed to say who the person was? We should start a list of people who do this to keep others from being hurt too.

(in reply to Nikita)

Post #: 9

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 5:25:38 PM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I appreciate the sentiments and you just proved you CAN teach an old dog new tricks (not me as old..someone else I am sure..lol). I love the idea of almost insisting on a meeting (if the distance allows it) within two weeks and the idea of meeting at the munch is excellent. As for Nikita, please just because this does happen, take some of the comments said here to heart..it does not only happen to you (or me). Isolating, or perhaps insulating yourself by removing your profile (& yes ..lol, I checked) only sends out the message that they win. Yes, I was discouraged, but no..I won't give up, I will not let them win, It's too important to me as it should be to you. Again..thanks for the comments so far..made the day better, ^5s to everyone.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 10

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 5:55:52 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Two weeks after our first meet, he disappeared without a trace. No email, no call, no explanation. He never returned my emails or calls or anything... just disappeared from the face of the earth

Vorleben,
The situation you describe is, unfortunately, also all too common. It's an example of cowardice, immaturity, and a lack of confidence. Unfortunately it is more prevalent in people representing themselves as dominant. Most often they are 'foreployers'. Foreployers are people who are just interested in a quick physical sensation of some kind. But again, in the long term you should consider yourself fortunate. Was a person who didn't have the backbone to meet you one more time in person to say it wasn't working, the dom you wanted?

Every meeting anyone has, even every ATTEMPT at a meeting should be viewed as a personal success. Knowledge, and ultimately growth only comes from experience - even BAD experiences.

(in reply to Vorleben)

Post #: 11

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 6:07:50 PM

Praevalens

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vorleben

Am I allowed to say who the person was? We should start a list of people who do this to keep others from being hurt too.

In my opinion... YES! You should say who it was... Don't know if the moderators would agree, but maybe you could check with them first... make sure it wouldn't be seen as a "flame"...

(in reply to Vorleben)

Post #: 12

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 6:46:30 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

You can not give personal information here on the forums. There is too high a risk that unscrupulous people could do so just to smear the reputation of someone that is not deserving of a bad rep.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Praevalens)

Post #: 13

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 7:50:16 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Being stood up is easy to recover from, but by the same token..some things can't be. Be safe..be here tomorrow.

I have noticed alot of posts recently about first time meets. I think that you have brought up some excellent points. It is not only the newbies that fall prey to the online players and abusers. We all have to keep our guard up. I would like to relate an experience I had about 2 and a half years ago. Yes, these things can happen even to those of us who have been here awhile.

I met a man online who contacted me from a message board list for a local munch group. The whole "online" thing was very, very new to me at the time and I had never met anyone in such a way. We swapped emails for a couple of weeks and chatted a few times on an instant messenger type medium. I was very impressed by his manners and his intelligence. He was extremely articulate and seemed to have all of the right responses.

One day he asked if I would be attending the next munch which was a few days away. I hadn't planned on it as I had not done much within the community since my ex and I had split a year earlier. After giving it some thought, the idea began to appeal to me a bit more and I really did miss old friends who I had not seen in some time.

I told him that I would be attending and he asked if he might escort me. He wanted to pick me up at my home, which I was just too uncomfortable with. I decided that I would meet him first at a local restaurant/bar that I had played pool for in their league as people there would know me. If all went well and I felt comfortable I would go from there with him. I had several friends who knew exactly what my plans were and who I was meeting. I was to meet them later at the munch.

Upon my arrival at the restaurant, I walked in and saw him seated at a booth. As I headed to the booth, the waitress(who knew me) greeted me and followed me over to take my drink order. I ordered a coke. When she left the table I looked across to the gentleman and met his eyes. It was in that exact instant that I KNEW that something was very seriously amiss with this man. I can not explain it other than to say that it seemed as though there was nothing human behind his eyes. I tried to maintain my composure and chit chatted, small talk with him, although the conversation was purely one sided and he seemed to be making no attempts to connect with me other than to stare. The whole time my mind was racing and feeling as though I needed to get away.

After about 15 minutes I could take no more. I very politely told him that I did not think that the two of us were a good match and I thanked him profusely for his time in coming out to meet me. I told him that I was sorry but that I just thought it best that we go our seperate ways. He never responded in any way. I stood up to leave and he grabbed my forearm.....HARD, hard enough that I had bruises after. I looked at him and told him to please let go of me. He just stared. I took a glance around the bar to assess where help might be located. I once again looked at him and told him that I really thought that it would be in his best interest to let go of me....NOW! He released my arm and I hurriedly left.

I was shaking like crazy when I got in my car. I took off down the road, chastising myself for doing something so crazy as to meet a complete stranger that way....and thanking God that I was away from him. Then almost immediately, I also started to downplay it in my mind. Maybe I had taken him wrong, misunderstood, overreacted.

I came to the end of the street where it ended at a T intersection. The road in front of me was a two way highway. There was a truck coming from my left and I was waiting for him to pass so I could make my right hand turn. The next thing I remember is being in the middle of the highway. I wasn't sure how I had goten there and panicked as I saw cars trying to avoid me. I threw my car in reverse and as I went to back up I realized there was a car behind me that was pretty well totalled. I thought, MY God there's been an accident!. I jumped out of my car to run back to see if everyone was ok. To my surprise, it was the gentleman from the restaurant. He looked at me and said "I'm sorry I hit you". At this point I did not realize I had even been involved in the accident. I looked over at my car and realized that yes indeed, I had been struck.

He tried very hard to persuade me not to involve the police. I am very glad I insisted. He stood over me as I tried to talk to the police officer. I was scared to death. The police officer got in his car to run our licenses. The gentleman stood next to me telling me under his breath not to dare say anything to that cop about having known him in any way. All I wanted was to leave. The cop came back and told me that since my vehicle was driveable and I had refused treatment(dumb move) that I was free to go.

I went to the munch to meet my friends....very shook up. Thank goodness I was with people who knew me well enough to realize that something was wrong with me and insisted on taking me to the hospital. It ended up that I had what they called a coo-counter-coo injury. Kind of like shaken baby syndrome. The force of the crash had caused my brain to drive forward and hit my skull in the front....and then back and hit my skull in the back....causing a double concussion. It also tore the muscles and ligaments in my neck. I was off of work in quite a bad way for the next month.

I did call the officer back and explain things to him. He said they estimated the man's speed at 45mph(in a 25 mph zone), while I was sitting still at the stop sign. I thank God every day that I made it through it ok and that I had the sense enough to listen to my intuitions and not get into that man's car. I shudder to think what my fate may have been.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 14

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/6/2005 10:23:13 PM

Vorleben

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

The situation you describe is, unfortunately, also all too common. It's an example of cowardice, immaturity, and a lack of confidence. Unfortunately it is more prevalent in people representing themselves as dominant. Most often they are 'foreployers'. Foreployers are people who are just interested in a quick physical sensation of some kind. But again, in the long term you should consider yourself fortunate. Was a person who didn't have the backbone to meet you one more time in person to say it wasn't working, the dom you wanted?

And the irony is... he stated in his profile he was hoping to find something long-term, and even posted on this very message board about how to make long-term D/s relationships work. Ouch.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 15

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 12:27:03 AM

NoPinkBalloons

Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
I finally got to the point that if they wanted to meet me, they showed up someplace I was going to be anyway, such as a munch.

I do this too. I tell people flat out that I don't go out of my way to meet ANYONE. I will tell them where I'm going to be anyway, and it's up to them if they want to show up or not. I figure it's better all around for everyone. I haven't wasted my time, because I was going to be there anyway. If we can't stand each other on sight, then it's no loss because there are plenty of other people there for each of us to talk to. No harm, no foul, and no one ends up feeling like they've been burned.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 16

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 1:50:42 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 9:55:45 PM >

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 17

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 5:46:52 AM

Shayna

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

I've been on line for many years and been lucky with in person meetings. But I am one suspicious woman. I ask a ton of questions about the person and their life, looking for any inconsistencies or someone hesitant about revealing themselves. My negative experiences (fakes, people disappearing) have happened before I've met them. The in person disappointements are the usual: I wasn't really into them or they weren't really into me. Dating is a big gamble - because someone changes their mind after being in contact for awhile may just be the natural part of getting to know someone. At any point in the process, someone may decide it isn't working. What's frustrating is not knowing why, but few people have the courage to be direct about that.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 18

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 7:56:25 AM

MsSilvie

Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline

hi Scooter. What a disappointment! But, as you say, being stood up is not that hard to recover from. And 5 hours spent finding out someone is a flake is time well spent. Hope it was an enjoyable trip and you planned for some alternative activity for that area just in case this very thing happened.

I don't think anyone is immune to getting played. The best you can do is stack the deck as much as you can in your favor. And don't make a lot of investment until you get to know the person face to face. I agree if you want a relationship, meeting for coffee or dinner early is the thing to do. Within a few weeks, since you are going to eliminate most of the unsuitables when (if) you meet them.

Sorry again for your disappointment. Things like that can be very discouraging and leave you unwilling to keep trying. But, it's unfortunately all part of the deal of finding good people.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 19

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 2:06:05 PM

afmvdp

Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline

It's just a reality when it comes to sites like this, there are always a large number of people who are here purely for the escape from reality. Sad perhaps but understandable. To many just the delusion is enough to give them their jollys so why seperate from the wife and kids when they can go to a free site or even just pay $20 a month for some cyber.

I've met so many fakes and so few "real" people off the net, I just stopped thinking of the net as a valid source in any way shape or form. I've met a few nice people who I talk to from time to time on a friend level, but none of the people who claimed to be seeing eye to eye with me in the flesh ever turned out to be more than a complete flake or farce. This wasn't always the case mind you, but as of late, it certainly seems that way. Unfortunately predominantly on this site. Which is why my appearance around here is alot more rare these days.

(in reply to MsSilvie)

Post #: 20

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