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When you were new... - 2/3/2007 4:31:58 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

Evening. In hopes of satisfying my instabiable curiousity into understand the ying of my yang, I have a bit of a broad question to post.

When you were new, what were some of the things you had to overcome and change to progress in your own submission? I cant be specific since, as someone who has yet to have the experience of serving, I dont know what to be specific about. I'm just generally talking about issues that you dealt with and overcame in growing as a submisisve or slave.

No right or wrong answers. Anything you want to share to help a relatively novice dominant be more patient and understanding with the problems that will inevitably come up with a new submisisve.

Thanks!

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

Post #: 1

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 5:23:19 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

I'm still new so for me, these challenges are in the here and now.

Fearing what I want the most......... giving up complete control to Him.

Accepting that He charts the course of our relationship, and that it's not about how ~I~ think he should be doing it.
(thank you Celeste for making me see that for what it was)

Needing to see Him more. (we live 2 hours apart)

There have been so many days I've wanted to run away (figuratively, not literally) because I feel I'm flying blind. I'm more than a little anxious about needing to know where I am and where I'm going. I journal my thoughts and feelings to Him everyday and there are times I feel like I'm a whiny bitch because I keep talking about the things that I don't understand. I know every dominant runs their relationships differently and I have to remind myself of that constantly when I read how others run theirs.

We have so much going for us, but there are days I have to work overtime to keep my fears and doubts from overwhelming me into seeking the safe harbor of me being in control of me..... which is not a safe harbor at all, just a familiar one.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 2

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 6:06:43 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

We are still a fairly new relationship; I have been his for about 2 years and we have known each other about 2.5 years. I am still working on overcoming some things and truthfully, I will always be a work in progress since I will never be perfect.

One of the big things that I work on is overcoming my childhood conditioning of how I am supposed to behave. I was raised by a dominant mother who taught me to be a dominant woman. However, that role makes me miserable, but the behavior conditioning is very ingrained in me. If I perceive a hole or weakness in the authority structure out of habit I will step in and try to fill it. Doing that makes me unhappy, but the lack of clear direction from a dominant figure leaves me feeling lost and unsure. My struggle is to break the habitual behaviors and instead of making decisions on my own go to him and ask what he wants.

The other thing that I struggle with is going from an independent person to an inter-dependent relationship of three. I was single for almost a decade and out of necessity I learned to take care of myself first and foremost. Making the transition of thinking about the "I" to now thinking about the "We" is frightening and challenging.

There are other things that I struggle with, but they are not struggles with my submission so much as my desire to continually be a better me.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 3

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 6:19:58 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I like being in control. But when you're constantly trying new things you don't know ahead of time what your reaction will be. I've had panic attacks for no apparent reason I could discern. Burst out sobbing and not from an overload of pain. It's really scary when you have no idea what your response to stimuli will be.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 4

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 6:23:18 PM

innatedesire

Posts: 111
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

Opening up again, initmate communication- After leaving my last relationship I took a few years off to heal and do some soul searching and did not date at all during that time. So here I find myself 3 years later digging out everything that I had buried away, I am getting better but it is a process.

_____________________________

Never under estimate the stupidity of your fellow man

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 5

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 7:20:11 PM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..~smiles~

I think one of the hardest things for me was finally accepting that this is what I was, and needed to be, and to continue to deny it, and hide it to those around me did nothing more than deny them and myself of truth, trust, and happiness.

Probably the other one that mentally is challenged from time to time is the real understanding of to serve and be pleasing. My own mind wishes at times to take control of just what that means, and does try to do it from a greedy standpoint. This in my slavery is a no no.

Well Wishes
starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 6

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 8:11:49 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

When you were new, what were some of the things you had to overcome and change to progress in your own submission? I cant be specific since, as someone who has yet to have the experience of serving, I dont know what to be specific about. I'm just generally talking about issues that you dealt with and overcame in growing as a submisisve or slave.

I had to understand that my submission was relative to the dominant that I chose to submit to. In other words, as a novice there were things that I just could not define about my submission because I had never fully engaged in power exchange. There is this balancing act, being who they want you to be, being who you really are, and compromising these two things without compromising myself. In my first D/s relationship this was not possible. In the one I am in now, it is not only possible, the balance has happened pretty well.

I am tempted to say it would not be possible for me to grow as a submissive without being in a relationship with a dominant, but I think that this idea would be misunderstood and seen as dismissive of those not actively submitting, and I do not wish to negate their experience, or to say they are not growing.. of course all people can grow no matter what their situation, but for me, I grow as a submissive in relationship to my dominant and his vision.

I have grown immensely in the relationship I now enjoy. I have learned how to communicate better, what limits I have, about trust, and anger, and letting someone be exactly who they are. In essense, since I met my Daddy, I am actively learning what unconditional love is. I am learning how to actively apply it to what we share. I am learning how to challenge my fears... all because i am submissive to him. I may have learned these things eventually without him, but the fact remains that because of him I am learning them now.

Edited to add, I was always be growing, or I will be dead...smiles. I did not want it to sound as though I have nothing left to develop within my submission, because I surely do

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 2/3/2007 8:18:48 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 7

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 8:13:35 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I cannot say like some of the others the big things of accepting what I was or anything of that nature. To me when entering into this life that area was very easy and I was drawn to it immediately. My issues I had to overcome were that accepting this way of life and accepting what I had been doing were somewhat mutually exclusive.

It was realizing that I should not care or miss favorite outfits that did not fit in the dress code, to learn not to care what radio station or TV program was on and other things of this nature. It was the letting go of my natural habits learned that I had to get re-conditioned to. It was like my heart and mind did not care or think these things were important but somewhere my body still thought about these things. It was actually kind of funny and scary when I became free and saw myself embracing these petty things again that I felt both happy to indulge and guilty that I was at the same time.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 8

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 8:32:30 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I had to overcome the idea that there was an actual ideal slave to live up to. The only ideal slave to live up to is my masters.

I had to overcome the idea that women in the scene would actually be welcome and supportive to a young sincere desiring to help chick like me. Far more often I received scorn, derision, jealousy and outright insults.

I had to overcome the idea that people actually MEANT "responsible informed consensual adults should be respected." A lot of times they really don't mean it.

I had to realize that most people will never take my advice, even if I know it kicks ass.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 9

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 8:44:50 PM

mymasterssub69

Posts: 566
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

Daddy and i discussed earlier

we both agree there isn't one thing i should change about myself in my submission to Him however there are a few things i do need to overcome which will mold and shape me into a better person. barely 6months in my relationship with Him - so nothing happens overnight because it's going to take time and patience as i continue to learn and grow into a newer me..

_____________________________

there is something infinitely magical
about a Daddy Dom
...something only a little girl
can understand.

collared on 16th Jan 2007 by bigsambaman, my Daddy

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 10

RE: When you were new... - 2/3/2007 9:58:14 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I had to learn not to judge him based on all the men who had hurt me in my life. I had to learn to know what I was thinking and feeling, and then express it appropriately. I had to overcome my fear of losing myself if I fully gave myself over (not realizing I was already lost and giving myself over brought me to find myself). I had to understand that just because a human has a penis, doesn't mean he is worth submitting to. I had to learn to love myself, and to stop doubting myself. I had to overcome intense insecurity issues and worries of abandonment.

I don't think anyone but the man who now owns me could have successfully brought me through such obstacles. There are things I am currently working on, such as remembering that putting him first always results in my own happiness. I am constantly striving for perfection for him, while knowing I will never reach it. There will always be something to work on.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 11

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 1:26:21 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

When you were new, what were some of the things you had to overcome and change to progress in your own submission?

Interesting question. When I was brand, spanking new and just out of the wrapper, I didn't need to overcome anything because I knew it all! With perfection like that, how can there be any improvement?

I did whatever floated my boat, whenever with whoever and had a total blast doing it. I was having fun! Change? Progress? Screw that.. where's the latest paaaaaaarty, dude! It actually took several years for that to get boring and for me to stop and say.. what the fuck? Is that it? That's all?

Eventually, once I was 'older' and had been marinating in the leather vats for a while, I figured out that, yeah, it was 'fun' and the experiences were a blast .. but what else 'could' they be?

When I was 'new' I didn't recognize the possibilities. When I got some time, experience and most importantly, wisdom under my belt.. that's when I figured out that fun wasn't 'enough' and that's when I set about working on 'me' and where I could actually go in submission instead of where I let being a submissive take me. I started to take responsibility and to respect how truly awesome living life as a submissive could be because that was, finally, being true to my nature.

Bottom line, I gave up accepting 'enough' and went on to 'expecting' more.. from myself and my submission (and from those with whom I played and for whom I served). Later still, I even gave up expectations.. but that's for another post at another time. :)

Oh.. and I'm still having fun, just in case anyone was wonderin.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 12

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 1:43:40 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

It took me a while to realize that i am submissive, i am worthy, i am whole.... without anyone to submit to. i embrace who i am, happy that i have found me, thankful for the lessons it has taught me. It has been difficult to be submissive without a partner, i had thought i had to have a committed relationship to BE submissive but i have overcome that and know i am whole and complete and submissive, just as i am.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 13

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 4:04:45 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

Thanks everyone. Wonderful replies as always.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 14

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 4:11:21 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

If its comforting, its not too much better on the other side of the arena, LA

quote:

I had to overcome the idea that women in the scene would actually be welcome and supportive to a young sincere desiring to help chick like me. Far more often I received scorn, derision, jealousy and outright insults.

Dealt with the same shit. I even had a female domme who was the president of a club call me a "fucking loser" behind my back after two internet coversations with me. Still figuring what I did to earn that one. I think I failed to properly kiss her ass as well as it is expected to be kissed.

Apparently when your new, your supposed to either a) shut up or b) ask really dumb questions. I wish I had been aware of that expectation before going to my first munch group. Most doms quickly started viewing me as a threat and cast their gaze down at me even though they couldnt prove that I was wrong or ignorant in some of my ideas.

quote:

I had to overcome the idea that people actually MEANT "responsible informed consensual adults should be respected." A lot of times they really don't mean it.

Amen

quote:

I had to realize that most people will never take my advice, even if I know it kicks ass.

I dont know jack shit apparently since I dont have the correct credentials.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 4:44:00 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

My narrowmindedness, learning that just because some rule was posted on a community board didn't make it so. I had to find my own comfort zone and work with it.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 16

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 5:06:16 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

this slave was 36 years old and did not know:

** the secret meaning of the words “munch”, “drop” or “frenzy”
** that a Dungeon complete with Dominatrix for hire could be found outside of Amsterdam, or even Europe for that matter.
** that folks gather together in the name of BDSM at specific clubs, groups, in their homes, on internet forums, at conventions, etc.
** that there were workshops and demos available to those interested on improving techniques, scene safety and relationship issues for these people who called themselves Masters, slaves, submissives, Doms, Dommes, Tops, Bottoms, furries, switches,etc.
**that there were folks who actually structured their dating life or their intimate relationship details around a D/s or even M/s model of their choosing.

(this slave actually thought that “Dominatrix” was the only thing that existed in relevance to Bondage or S&M and that it was purely sexual, frankly BEING one or serving one did not appeal.)

In short, this slave had EVERYTHING to learn about labels and the lifestyle community, but submission and service were something she was well-versed in, as natural and comfortable as breathing. this slave has submitted to and served in every relationship she has ever had, be it familial, financial, filial, whatever. Even if that meant “acting” dominant for short periods of time.

this slave was raised in a very closed rural environment by parents who demanded total respect, obedience and submission. she was taught to equate herself with that of beloved property. Nothing belonged to her, not even herself~she belonged to them. Since this slave is female, she was forbidden to touch tools that “men” use, instead she was taught to create “home” out of “house”, to be pleasing & polite, and to find joy in service.

this slave’s relationship with Master is the first intimate personal relationship she has been in where that submissive nature and conditioning to service has been appreciated and used to it’s utmost advantage. Master polishes her submission with His dominance so it shines. It doesn’t have to hide or pretend not to exist to protect itself. this slave doesn’t struggle with it, it is celebrated.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 17

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 5:11:04 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

MadRabbit ,

very good and thought provoking topic :-)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

One of the big things that I work on is overcoming my childhood conditioning of how I am supposed to behave. I was raised by a dominant mother who taught me to be a dominant woman. However, that role makes me miserable, but the behavior conditioning is very ingrained in me. If I perceive a hole or weakness in the authority structure out of habit I will step in and try to fill it. Doing that makes me unhappy, but the lack of clear direction from a dominant figure leaves me feeling lost and unsure. My struggle is to break the habitual behaviors and instead of making decisions on my own go to him and ask what he wants.

Knight's kyra

kyra, i can so relate to what you have written here - it is my struggle as well. Not only was i raised by a dominating mother to be independent of men period, but particularly in regards to sex. i won't even begin to go on about how detrimental this has been in my life and the relationships i have lost because of it...

quote:

I had to learn not to judge him based on all the men who had hurt me in my life. I had to learn to know what I was thinking and feeling, and then express it appropriately. I had to overcome my fear of losing myself if I fully gave myself over (not realizing I was already lost and giving myself over brought me to find myself). I had to learn to love myself, and to stop doubting myself. I had to overcome intense insecurity issues and worries of abandonment.
ownedgirlie

This i can relate to as well as being a constant struggle in the new relationship i am currently in. Throw in the fact of my extreme novice status, and i worry alot about being "good enough". Interestingly, these are struggles that are just as prevalent in vanilla relationships.

i see in my future that i will no longer identify with either lifestyle, that when i have accepted myself and my submissiveness 100%, i will just " be". my spiritual outlook on D/s and my practice of eastern philosophy helps greatly with my personal search for balance, yin and yang....

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 5:24:12 AM

texancutie

Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline

My fear of letting go, and my fear of failure. By my fear of failure, I mean my fear of failing to please him in some area. I wanted to be perfect, and no one is perfect all the time. I didn't realize that striving to do my best, and occasionally not being able to do something, was good enough. The fact that I tried my best for him is what is important, and eventually I will be able to handle a new challenge with grace.

I am still new in many ways, but I do have actual experience now. I also believe you continue to grow in this and things change and new challenges come up over time. Sometimes you seem to hit a wall and then the next time, you are over that wall.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 19

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 5:39:51 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Getting to the point in life where you have complete trust and honesty from your partner where you can truly let go and be just yourself.
Knowing them well enough to know you can put your life in their hands and know they are going to make the wise decision with the power.
Knowing them well enough they are not going to abuse you.

It takes a great amount of time for this to happen. For me I saw abused people all around me so I took a shot at not being a submissive. It took me a few year's to realize you cannot change who you were born to be. Either accept it or be unhappy all of your life. You just have to learn to make wise choices.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 20

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