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Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 7:54:57 AM

seekshertrue1

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline

I think I must be doing something wrong. I've been chatting for about 3 weeks with a sub and I thought things were going great. We'd talked about him visiting in April. We had discussed LDR and LTR. We'd even discussed marriage. We were moving pretty fast and all of a sudden last night he like slams on the breaks saying we're moving too fast. I was leading and he was following up until last night. He told me he wanted to slow down. I agreed with him we were moving too fast, way too fast. He told me last night he still loves me but wants to take things slow. I'm like ok. He said he still wanted to be mine and he wants me to be his Owner but I'm confused so at this point I've left it all up to him.

I wanted to tell him that he was the one that let me have all this control and now he has decided he doesn't want me to have it all. I think I'm beginning to understand why he's had 2 previous relationships that didn't work. Now, I'm the 3rd.

So am I bad/wrong or was he just a player, playing really well?

_____________________________

Ms. K
Love is given, never an obligation

Post #: 1

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 7:57:28 AM

nattie83

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/9/2006
Status: offline

Sounds like he just does not dare to go for what he wants. I don't think you were doing anything wrong.

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 2

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:01:32 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

When things actually get "real".. some start to get scared. Giving up control is not easy.

It's one of those things that come with the territory. Take it as a 'no harm - no foul" situation. Drop back and punt with this one.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:05:55 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Honestly, if all your contact with him has been online or on the phone you have been unrealistic, not just too fast.

We can be anyone and anything we want online and even over the phone or in letters. Until you have spent time face-to-face and dealt with the happy play times as well as the real life stuff how can you possibly know you love each other or that you are compatible enough to do much more than conversations and a few trial scenes?

seekshertrue1, I'm not trying to pick on you specifically, but this is the same thing I see posted on this group and others and discussed in other venues time and again. To me it just reeks of people unwilling or unable to plan for a successful relationship regardless of it's dynamic. Then they get sad because things fall apart or don't go as they want.

It is all getting tiresome to me to read over and over and over again.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 2/4/2007 8:06:58 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:19:02 AM

valeca

Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

I really can't see anything wrong with this.

It's very difficult to decide to give over complete control after only 3 weeks of communication (none of which appears to be face-to-face). I also don't see how any of it relates to his having two previous relationships that didn't work out--it has only been 3 weeks!

He may very well have wanted to give over full control after only a short period of time, but were you ready to accept it? If so, then I believe he did you both a favour by backing off.

Edit: Used fast reply.

< Message edited by valeca -- 2/4/2007 8:20:13 AM >

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:27:14 AM

DungeonSpain

Posts: 53
Joined: 8/27/2005
From: Benidorm, Spain
Status: offline

He's a loser
Dump him !!

_____________________________

When the going gets tough, the tough beg for mercy

(in reply to valeca)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:31:00 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

So you haven't met him...you've only been talking online and possibly the phone for a couple weeks...

Yet you're talking marriage i.e. a lifetime commitment with him?

HELL YES I think you're doing something wrong. No matter what the chemistry you feel now with someone you have never met, that is not a relationship to build a life with as yet. I think he was smart to back off - not commitment-phobic, but rather a sign of sanity.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship on that level. There's nothing wrong with trying to establish a long distance relationship if you're open to that. However, it's not going to happen overnight, and 3 weeks is overnight. I think you need to get realistic if you hope to establish this type of relationship, because I don't think your expectations at this time that you can have a relationship that quickly on that little contact are nowhere near realistic.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 2/4/2007 8:40:37 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to DungeonSpain)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:39:33 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

deleted because I screwed up the edit function. Doh!

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 2/4/2007 8:41:09 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:41:01 AM

Lorgrom

Posts: 98
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekshertrue1

We were moving pretty fast and all of a sudden last night he like slams on the breaks saying we're moving too fast. I was leading and he was following up until last night. He told me he wanted to slow down. I agreed with him we were moving too fast, way too fast. He told me last night he still loves me but wants to take things slow. I'm like ok. He said he still wanted to be mine and he wants me to be his Owner but I'm confused so at this point I've left it all up to him.

Sounds like a case where the submissive has a bit (of justified) fear. That being the relationship going to fast.
The only thing you may have done wrong. Was leave the control over the relationship to him.
Since this has happened at least two other times that your aware of. It is likely a test he uses (even if he is not aware he is doing it). A test to see how you react/maintain control, when the sub starts to freakout. Your decision to give him the power over how/if/when and in what form the relationship continues. Shows to him that you are not a Dom.

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:52:00 AM

seekshertrue1

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline

He was wanting those things.

_____________________________

Ms. K
Love is given, never an obligation

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 8:55:37 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekshertrue1

He was wanting those things.

I definately agree that neither of you should have been discussing those things in that time period without having even met.

Does it *seem* like a sane thing for you to do - to discuss spending the rest of your life with someone you've never met and you barely know?

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 2/4/2007 8:56:50 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 11

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 9:11:51 AM

MsCameron

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/14/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekshertrue1

He was wanting those things.

No, he was in love with the idea and possibility of those things.

It's very easy to get carried away but until you sit face to face and really get to know each other, it's all just a fantasy. 3 weeks is barely the start of that.

Have you never known someone that was the nicest person in the world but even the idea of physical contact was repulsive? There are many factors that come into play for a relationship and I'm a firm believer that chemistry is everything. Real life chemistry.

Many years ago I spent some time e-mailimg with a submissive. Chat wasn't big then :) He wrote the most beautiful e-mails. I was in awe. I thought this guy must be something. Well, then we met. He could not converse with me at all. Getting a one word answers was like pulling teeth. I did see him a few more times and realized this was his social personality. In front a keyboard was one thing, in social situations was entirely another. Not a match for me at all.

MC

< Message edited by MsCameron -- 2/4/2007 9:36:46 AM >

_____________________________

I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going...
Lateralis.Tool

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 9:49:28 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekshertrue1

He was wanting those things.

And?

The best way to succeed in any thing is to first be grounded in the reality of what is and is not possible and choosing those things which are most possible.

Feeling that feeling of being in love is intoxicating, literally I believe.

It can be difficult to be objective to the degree we need to succeed in creating relationships that are beneficial to everyone in them and which last as long as both people desire.

If you still want to see what is possible, demand to see him face to face and hang out for a while, get to know each other offline and off the phone/mail. Then find a way to make that meeting happen.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 9:57:15 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

You'd be amazed at how often this scenario occurs online. Quite often. Unfortunately, the internet gives us a chance to explore our fantasies and "try out" what we think we want, but then reality sets in...... There are people who live out entire relationships online, for weeks, months, or even years, but then when it comes time to make it reality, they freak out, can't do it.

Quite frequently, there's a reason called "wife" motivating them to get cold feet. (Or "husband", to be fair) Just another reason to not believe anything you read on a computer screen until you actually see it in real life....several times....

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 10:27:17 AM

Beatmehrdr

Posts: 61
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline

He says things are going to fast because, well, things are going too fast. Take the BDSM out of the equation for now. Meet R/T for a normal, vanilla date, back off, and slow down.

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 11:58:15 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I agree that discussion of marriage after three weeks of communication is too fast. In my opinion, it is too fast even if you were living in the same city.

I wonder if the thought of realizing a relationship that each of you have sought and dream to achieve overwhelmed each of you with excitement, and caused the relationship to move too fast without more practical considerations.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Beatmehrdr)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/4/2007 3:47:43 PM

SCDommie

Posts: 176
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

Take it very slow. I understand that you were telling him what you were looking for. He took it the wrong way and chickened out, which for you is probably the best thing.
If he is afraid to talk openly like that, that may not be your type.
Meet them for lunch and go from there. Train them and then take control. You should not ever just go and collar someone, (although I have) before you have that control. You will know it when you have it.

SCD

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 17

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/5/2007 6:10:10 AM

seekshertrue1

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline

He came back. We've discussed things and there were things going on with him he didn't tell me about. I told him that if he didn't talk to me that this would happen again and the next time would be the last time. We have discussed slowing things down. I told him just because I backed off doesn't mean that shows my weakness. I knew he needed some time. To me, backing off isn't a sign of weakness. To me, its letting things cool down that got heated.

_____________________________

Ms. K
Love is given, never an obligation

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/5/2007 8:00:48 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

He's allowed to give and take the transfer of authority. It's his right. You have the right to react to that.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to seekshertrue1)

Post #: 19

RE: Is it a sign I'm bad? - 2/5/2007 8:08:11 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

If he burns you once, shame on him, if he burns you twice, shame on you. Okay, maybe even twice is okay if there are extenuating circumstances. But three strikes means OUT!

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 20

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