problems reaching orgasm

problems reaching orgasm (Full Version)

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purpleraven -> problems reaching orgasm (2/4/2007 2:46:36 PM)
i'm a sexual abuse survivor, and went through therapy, reclaimed my sexuality, all that good stuff. a former Dominant, to whom i was a consensual slave and with for 4 years, trained me to orgasm on command, which is something i liked, it's my kink to be "owned." it wasn't until after the relationship was over that we both realized we'd made a grave error ... it's not good to give a sexual abuse survivor the message "your genitals don't belong to you, they belong to someone else." or, at least for this sexual abuse survivor, that was a bad message. :( ok, so there's the situation. when i met my Sir, he was able to benefit from the former training, and retrained me to accept his words and other cues. which i think is great, again, it's my kink. the problem is: i have open permission to orgasm on my own, yet no matter what i try, i just can't orgasm at all. i honestly don't know if it's because of the former M/s training, or that in this current relationship my Sir used cue phrases such as "who's pussy is this?" to which i replied "yours, Sir" (again, that's my kink! i love that sort of thing.) we stopped doing that. my Sir giving me carte blanche to orgasm by myself hasn't worked. baths, relaxation, guided imagery, and all that good stuff hasn't worked. i feel pleasure, so it's not a "disconnect" per se. i just don't reach orgasm. i figure there's something we can do together to help me get over this, perhaps something obvious we're missing. anyone else ever have this problem? if so, how did you get past it? i look forward to a good discussion. :)

hisannabelle -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/4/2007 4:42:21 PM)
i did have this problem, and am also a sexual trauma survivor. before i was with my current dominant, i had never had an orgasm. since i've been with him, i've been slowly learning how to orgasm more and more often, and moving towards orgasming by myself...i have never really enjoyed masturbating, but one of the ways he is helping me learn to pleasure myself more is by masturbating when i'm with him and with him talking me through it, etc...that is warming me up more to the idea of masturbating by myself since i'm becoming more and more able to reach orgasm with him by those means. so that's one idea :) good luck to you hugs

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/4/2007 7:35:34 PM)
You're going to have to be trained to orgasm on your own command just as you've been trained not to. It can help sometimes if you imagine yourself giving your orgasm to your dom or to the universe as you do so. That way, even if you do it on your own authority, you're still giving it for anothers pleasure.

Stephann -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/4/2007 8:45:21 PM)
A couple ideas to try: your owner could set a 'time' when you are supposed to orgasm. He simply writes a time on a piece of paper. Later, you read it... and when that 'time' comes, be in the tub or on the bed, or wherever. Focus on his instruction, that you are to obey for him. You'll practically hear his voice in your mind. Another possibility, is for him to simply call you, give you the 'cue' and leave you to it. His lack of physical presence will be lessened a bit, and once you start to work your way off this sort of training, eventually you'll be able to do it yourself. Fantasizing about his commanding you to orgasm... or indeed, remembering events where you were told to orgasm may also help. Orgasms are physical responses to our mental desires. Anything we can be taught to do, we can unteach in time. Stephan

justfortheforums -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/5/2007 12:43:16 PM)
after being released from the same type of relationship...i had problems for months...i would get to a point and yet could not orgasm..it was very frustrating...my former DOM gave me permission and yet that still didn't help. it's been over a year...there are still times when my mind seeks his permission...on those nights I just hug the pillow and go to sleep.

ShogunSensei -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 1:47:24 PM)
If you were to view your dominant's giving you carte blanche to orgasm as an instruction maybe it would help you get to where you would like to go? I also liked LA's suggestion. Just a thought....

mnottertail -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 1:57:03 PM)
How about you don't come cause he tells you to, he lets you have it with a cattle prod?

TchrMasterSteve -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 3:24:46 PM)
My take on this is a little different. My experience is that it is much easier for a woman to orgasm when she stops trying to and lets it happen. I know this sounds like some kind of bullshit Zen, but if you focus on what you are feeling physically and emotionally the orgasm will come (so to speak) of its own accord. Steve

MaryT -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 3:29:55 PM)
Just a couple thoughts: Are you on any medication or supplement that might be interferring (there are many of them)? Have you tried masturbating on your own? I'm guessing that you think the problem may be that you need your Dom to tell you what you want to hear? If that's so and you think it will help, can you just ask him to help you out in that way? Good luck.

purpleraven -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 4:12:18 PM)
thank you all for some great ideas (except for the cattle prod lol) i especially love to masturbate while he's holding me, then i do feel like if i come i'm giving it to him. will keep trying! it's frustrating sometimes, but fun trying if i relax [:)]

SimplyMichael -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 5:49:23 PM)
I think the holding you while you masterbate is great, baby steps girl, learn to do that then try something more difficult, like doing it over the phone, perhaps while he is at work or something naughty like that, then perhaps having to do it alone and telling him. Bottom line is don't force it, relax and just play with it. Another thought is to stop focusing on the orgasm and just pleasure yourself, perhaps make it a game to see how close to the edge you can get and how intense a pleasure you can give yourself and make the orgasm a less central part to it.

cjenny -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 5:58:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaryT Just a couple thoughts: Are you on any medication or supplement that might be interferring (there are many of them)? Have you tried masturbating on your own? I'm guessing that you think the problem may be that you need your Dom to tell you what you want to hear? If that's so and you think it will help, can you just ask him to help you out in that way? Good luck. A huge part of why my status is seeking friends only is that I physically don't orgasm due to medication. Sex is weirdly remote in my brain, when I meet up with my Dom I skip meds for the week before. No, I don't tell him, it has never come up. pun unintended I never will tell him unless I am directly asked. Since it would be so moronic to drop my meds, chances are he won't ask. They are not life support meds, just maintenance meds I guess you could call them. Nothing like blood pressure, insulin etc. SSRI's and pain meds for the most part. That is the only time I orgasm, during my quarterly visits with R. A combo of him and dropping my meds. Dang I have been saying too much of me all over the boards tonight lol. Back to the OP, yeah medication makes a huge difference in body chemistry.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 7:07:39 PM)
While I agree that for a lot of people, to simply relax and have fun with it is the way to go, and certainly getting upset and worked up over it is NEVER the way to go- I have found in my own experience and experiences I know from other women who find it VERY difficult to orgasm, that they cannot "just orgasm." It does have to be a focused period of intense concentration to bring them to that point. Again, it's still GOOD concentration, and there's no pressure or negative consequence if it doesn't happen, but if I just lay there for 2 hours and feel it- it just feels good, with no real chance of orgasm.

DominantEngineer -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 7:25:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: purpleraven i especially love to masturbate while he's holding me, then i do feel like if i come i'm giving it to him. I am by no means an expert on female orgasm or psychology but what you said cought my mind. Do you have to feel that your orgasm is for your Sir and not for you in order to reach it? Maybe some "therapy" with yout Sir will help you understand why he has given permission for you to partake in the pleasures of your own body. Then maybe you can reclaim possesion of not only your physical body parts but your orgasm as well.

MaryT -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 8:10:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny That is the only time I orgasm, during my quarterly visits with R. A combo of him and dropping my meds. Dang I have been saying too much of me all over the boards tonight lol. Back to the OP, yeah medication makes a huge difference in body chemistry. On certain meds, Prozac was one, Topamax another, I could become very excited and dripping wet but could not orgasm to save my sanity. It really was torture. Hormones can be a factor too. Being on the menopausal side, I've found Fematril to be most helpful. [:)]

Rainav -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 8:49:03 PM)
I know this is not a sex ed forum, but just because I think I have only had one orgasm in my life.....biology was my major and my teacher said that females do NOT cum. I have had female friends that have told me that they squirt, which to me sounds funny... My question is.....is there a release that comes when orgasm is achieved? Please don't flame me because this is an honest question. The one time that I think I did have an orgasm....the guy thought I was peeing on him and it ruined any enjoyment I had of the moment.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 9:00:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rainav I know this is not a sex ed forum, but just because I think I have only had one orgasm in my life.....biology was my major and my teacher said that females do NOT cum. I have had female friends that have told me that they squirt, which to me sounds funny... My question is.....is there a release that comes when orgasm is achieved? Please don't flame me because this is an honest question. The one time that I think I did have an orgasm....the guy thought I was peeing on him and it ruined any enjoyment I had of the moment. Aw that totally sucks. I know you will be with someone you can feel secure enough in to let go again. Lots of women squirt, sometimes completely reflexively. It's just you enjoying your orgasm, nothing unnatural about it.

BreatheinToMe -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/6/2007 9:34:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: purpleraven i'm a sexual abuse survivor, and went through therapy, reclaimed my sexuality, all that good stuff. a former Dominant, to whom i was a consensual slave and with for 4 years, trained me to orgasm on command, which is something i liked, it's my kink to be "owned." it wasn't until after the relationship was over that we both realized we'd made a grave error ... it's not good to give a sexual abuse survivor the message "your genitals don't belong to you, they belong to someone else." or, at least for this sexual abuse survivor, that was a bad message. :( ok, so there's the situation. when i met my Sir, he was able to benefit from the former training, and retrained me to accept his words and other cues. which i think is great, again, it's my kink. the problem is: i have open permission to orgasm on my own, yet no matter what i try, i just can't orgasm at all. i honestly don't know if it's because of the former M/s training, or that in this current relationship my Sir used cue phrases such as "who's pussy is this?" to which i replied "yours, Sir" (again, that's my kink! i love that sort of thing.) we stopped doing that. my Sir giving me carte blanche to orgasm by myself hasn't worked. baths, relaxation, guided imagery, and all that good stuff hasn't worked. i feel pleasure, so it's not a "disconnect" per se. i just don't reach orgasm. i figure there's something we can do together to help me get over this, perhaps something obvious we're missing. anyone else ever have this problem? if so, how did you get past it? i look forward to a good discussion. :) This happened to me too, but I am not a sexual abuse survivor. I think this is more related to the orgasm control training. For me, it was hearing his voice, and even when he consented, like yours for me to orgasm for myself when I wanted, it still didn't happen. (after a little experimentation I realized I was still focusing on hearing him), and it wasn't until I focused on what was happening to my body at the time, instead, that I was able to orgasm again. But it does take time to deprogram yourself.

Totalmaster4you -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/11/2007 2:47:38 AM)
It would seem that your prefer a more restrictive Dom that takes these controls away from you. That is one of the beautiful things about BDSM is that one can gove over control of their mind and body and still be safe. Many slves/subs like orgasm control and to be trained to orgasm at certain times or places etc become highly erotic. From what you said your problem is not physical {you orgasmed when controled} it's more mental, not allowing yourself to achieve the mental control for completion. Even though you had a trauma in your past for which you have my deepest sympathies you also have a solution which by the way is used on slaves/subs as a means of training, creating the mental attitude for a proper slave/sub etc. I wish you success and happiness.

areyouworthy4 -> RE: problems reaching orgasm (2/13/2007 8:57:11 PM)
I agree with the others - great advice. However, if you just physically want an orgasm - get a plug in back massager - this is the best one... 30 seconds later you'll be addicted. I actually don't even prefer it since it's so quick and I enjoy the process but trust me, it's fail safe. Hitachi Magic Wand

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