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Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 6:36:11 AM

amlonging

Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

I am writing to Dominants. I have met a girl who I seem to click with, as friends. She is very new to D/s, M/s while I am "older " in the journey than she. I was chatting with her and she asked if I was bi because her Dom wished her to be with another woman, and she has fantacies of being with another woman.

I told her it was my expereince that many Doms want their girls to be with other girls for their pleasure, and I really know no Dom, that I have been with that didnt want their girl with another. So I advised her that she must want this as well.

We are getting along famously in chat and in voice chat. Yesterday her Dom chatted with me, then called me on the phone.
He had some advise for a situation I am in and went on, on the phone asking many questions about my history, my type of submission to men.
I answered freely as I am not one to lie or be dishonest when asked a direct question. As we spoke, he talked about the types of submission for him that I would be involved in  as well as what might occur if I topped his girl.
He has given me permission to speak with his girl and demand anything of her at any time I choose.

I spoke with her for 2 hours last night and she was unaware he called me and was, quite frankly and rightly so, IMHO, concerned that I would be serving him. She is, it seems, very monogamous in her heart and mind.
Which I also totaly understand.

Her fear is that because I have more expereince, he will choose me and leave her behind. I have assured her, IF I feel that is coming along, I will tell him of my concern and she will communicate with him more today regarding it.

My questions are simple to you Doms..... would you communicate your real motive (as she kept repeating) to your present girl, if you have not "collared" her?
What do I need to be careful of, in regards to her concerns?
What kind of questions should I ask of him to ensure, his motive is not to "replace" her?

I do NOT find this Dom appealing to me and would never beg his ownership. He desires a painslut of which I am not and his over all personality is one that I would obey him in topping her in his presence, but I am sure I would not submit to him knowing her thoughts and feelings.

Any advice, thoughts.... suggestions ??
Thank you in advance

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

Post #: 1

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 6:49:10 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

The mere fact that these two have such a disconnect is proof enough for me that both are at best inexperienced and at worst, fools.

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 2

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 6:54:58 AM

nattie83

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/9/2006
Status: offline

Personally I would make it clear to the dominant what you want and do not want.
You can't be held accountable for what happens between the dom and the sub, but you can at least decide where you stand and let them both know it. Preferably at the same time, so there are no misunderstandings and nothing is withheld. The latter important since your friend the submissive seems insecure.

_____________________________

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt."
~William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 3

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 6:58:30 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging

I am writing to Dominants. I have met a girl who I seem to click with, as friends. She is very new to D/s, M/s while I am "older " in the journey than she. I was chatting with her and she asked if I was bi because her Dom wished her to be with another woman, and she has fantacies of being with another woman.

I told her it was my expereince that many Doms want their girls to be with other girls for their pleasure, and I really know no Dom, that I have been with that didnt want their girl with another. So I advised her that she must want this as well.

We are getting along famously in chat and in voice chat. Yesterday her Dom chatted with me, then called me on the phone.
He had some advise for a situation I am in and went on, on the phone asking many questions about my history, my type of submission to men.
I answered freely as I am not one to lie or be dishonest when asked a direct question. As we spoke, he talked about the types of submission for him that I would be involved in as well as what might occur if I topped his girl.
He has given me permission to speak with his girl and demand anything of her at any time I choose.

Sounds like he's trying to lay some groundwork for you topping her in the future (and some threesome action probably).

quote:

I spoke with her for 2 hours last night and she was unaware he called me and was, quite frankly and rightly so, IMHO, concerned that I would be serving him. She is, it seems, very monogamous in her heart and mind.
Which I also totaly understand.

I think thats something that she should maybe talk to him about - specifically what he feels her rights are in terms of knowledge of his conversations with others.

quote:

My questions are simple to you Doms..... would you communicate your real motive (as she kept repeating) to your present girl, if you have not "collared" her?
What do I need to be careful of, in regards to her concerns?
What kind of questions should I ask of him to ensure, his motive is not to "replace" her?

I'm confused how she knows his "real motive" if she hasn't actually talked to him about this? I'm also not clear on what the significance is of collaring, how long he belives in waiting for collaring so that I'm just not clear whether it matters that he hasn't collared her. To me it seems like his actions are on par for someone trying to set up a play situation where you top his submissive and bottom to him. I'd ask him straight out what his motivations are if you are unclear about his motivations.

But quite honestly if she believes that she's monogamous and they are new in the relationship (which to me anything under a year or two is still new) then maybe they aren't ready to include others in play? I think thats something you should be assessing as the third person coming in for play.

Being worried about being replaced is a completely reasonable fear, but really she should be talking to him about her fears, not so much to you. I think it puts you in an uncomfortable position.

quote:

I do NOT find this Dom appealing to me and would never beg his ownership. He desires a painslut of which I am not and his over all personality is one that I would obey him in topping her in his presence, but I am sure I would not submit to him knowing her thoughts and feelings.

Have you told him this? I'd be clear to him about what I'm interested in as well.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 4

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:02:35 AM

amlonging

Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

The mere fact that these two have such a disconnect is proof enough for me that both are at best inexperienced and at worst, fools.

I am sorry you think this and find yourself making this judgement when you know ONLY my view in this other relationship.
To clarify, because of your judgement, I am well aware that they communicate in an almost micromanagment sort of way all during the day, she has more than 20 rules she must follow daily, andjust from talking with them both (on phone) they are not fools altho she might be inexpereinced, I do not find him inexpereinced.

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 5

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:05:34 AM

amlonging

Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nattie83

Personally I would make it clear to the dominant what you want and do not want.
You can't be held accountable for what happens between the dom and the sub, but you can at least decide where you stand and let them both know it. Preferably at the same time, so there are no misunderstandings and nothing is withheld. The latter important since your friend the submissive seems insecure.

Thank you nattie... your advice is greatly appreciated and gives me a few ideas right off. have a great day !

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to nattie83)

Post #: 6

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:18:59 AM

amlonging

Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

I received the uncanny feeling that he was not ONLY laying the groundwork for a 3 some or for me topping her. So yes, I personally must ask him his intentions.

specifically what he feels her rights are in terms of knowledge of his conversations with others.

Yes, I did think of this and did ask her if he told her he called me, He told me he would tell her so, but he didnt, not last night anyway.
I do know, that if in further communication with her, I find out he does not share with her that he called me, I will bring it to his attention and tell him exactly what I think of it.

She has assured me she has spoken to him about everything and even "confesses" the slightest infraction of rules. Last night was the first time I have spoken with him (I should have included that originally). I do not question his motives, she does. But since she in new, only been in this one "relationship", she did share with me that if his motives are more than she has been told, she will not give her all. She assured me she would tell him so AGAIN today. I relly do not feel in the middle...I feel as if I am giving this girl some advice, helping her out with questions....
Personally I think we all need a more experienced sub/slave to bounce questions off of, and I feel priviledged she choose me.

Oh yes, I made it perfectly clear to him, and will do so again, I am not interested in him as "my" dom.

Thank you C~ for helping my clarification thought process.

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 7

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:24:35 AM

nattie83

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/9/2006
Status: offline

You're welcome amlonging, good luck!!!

_____________________________

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt."
~William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 8

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:32:05 AM

LordVelvet

Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

I would question why He is not being honest with the one He is with. That would be a red flag. I think He sees the two for you getting along and is trying to make the most of it for His own wants. Just an opinion.
LV

(in reply to nattie83)

Post #: 9

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:34:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I agree with Michael. As soon as I found out that the chick was unaware of what had happened with you and the dom, I'd apologize for the inconvenience, and politely am-scray out of that situation. I might even be so bold as to send an email to the guy suggesting that he work on his communicating and being open before trying to engage others in their activities.

If you insist on continuing to talk with them, then insist it always be with both at once for at least the first few months and on the first conversation, ask both of them directly what they are looking for and where do they think this might end up.

Adding: It's likely that they are just running headlong into oblivion and haven't the slightest sense of long term security between them yet which makes it very stupid to try and get others involved. But they are listening to their gonads and will do what they can.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 2/6/2007 7:35:57 AM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 10

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:37:53 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

The lack of communication between him and his girl is not one that I find instils confidence.

your choise but it looks like you would be stepping into a minefield.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 11

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 7:51:57 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I am well aware that they communicate in an almost micromanagment sort of way all during the day, she has more than 20 rules she must follow daily

Ouch!

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 12

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 8:24:28 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

In all honesty, it sounds like there is a lack of real *cringe* communication all around. Why keep from her the fact you spoke with her Dom? Why is he keeping from her the "real" motivation behind his actions? No wonder she's insecure; both of you are lying by omission. I feel sorry for the girl and would recommend that she seriously look at the relationship with both of you.

What needs to happen in order to make this work:
Her relationship with the Dominant must be strong and in place FIRST. If she's mono at heart, I'd say that the relationship isn't destined to work. There are plenty of mono Dominants out there, even if you haven't met them.
You both need to be honest with her and each other.
The three of you together need to clearly define your role...it's unclear if you're going to be a sister slave, a fuck buddy or a Top for her.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to amlonging)

Post #: 13

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 8:26:25 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I am well aware that they communicate in an almost micromanagment sort of way all during the day, she has more than 20 rules she must follow daily

Ouch!

I agree. Is it normal to have so many rules? It sort of sounds like insecurity on his part, too.

It does say on your profile that you are domenant with women, so he might have mentioned that he is giving you permition to controle her.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 14

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 8:31:44 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC
I agree. Is it normal to have so many rules? It sort of sounds like insecurity on his part, too.

It does say on your profile that you are domenant with women, so he might have mentioned that he is giving you permition to controle her.

It depends on the rules.

I can think of a dozen "rules" I follow by the time I get to work. Get out of bed on time, brush my teeth, wear professional clothes and shoes, put on my seatbelt, follow the rules of traffic, remember my keys, phone wallet and lunch, turn on the copier, check the faxes...etc etc.

It depends on how intrusive the rules are to day to day life and how intense each one is to follow. Having lots of rules is exactly what some people want and need and it's nothing to do with insecurity.

On the other hand, a lot of clueless doms and subs mistake having lists of rules for having a solid authority dynamic relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 15

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 9:26:56 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Relationships have expectations and they need to be on the same page and communicated in a direct manor. When adding a third it just is way more complicated and all parties need to understand and work at it knowing it will not go romantically smooth.

A relationship of this nature is only as strong as the weakest person desire and effort for making it work. So in the OP shoes, I would be seriously focusing on the woman and she if she truly wants another in the relationship.

A couple can have different reasons for wanting a third to join them but the other has to understand the other’s reason and motivations and they have to mesh. Entering into poly is not just about what the dominant wants it is what EVERYONE wants and everyone has to be on the same page. The OP and the woman have to also work, like and care for each other from the start. Life is different the theory, a main goal of serving the one you both care about is not all that it takes to be happy in relationships of this nature. You cannot theorize human emotions.

My advice is if you are serious then you have to meet them in person quickly. The questions that pops up in my mind is have all true desires and expectations been discussed by everybody together and not just the dominant directing traffic? Does the other woman really want a poly situation? Can the poly work if the other woman finds out she cannot handle sex with another woman?

To me if you can meet in person you will have much better clues to their relationship and their desires for poly. See how healthy their relationship is. Right now they could be on the same page but working through nerves or it could be the dominant pushing, even if it is subtle, for another and the sub trying to go along to please the dominant.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 9:41:40 AM

obey1

Posts: 227
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline

I agree, there could be several dynamics going on. If there is a list of rules to follow during the day, the theme of those rules might lean towards a more trusting dynamic between the two. As well, this might be a setup between Him and her to find out what she is willing to deal with, even if he is trolling without any immediate interest in finding a third, just exploring His options with her.

He also may lack a certain dynamic with her that He is exploring by trolling other people. Although overall the actions are suspicious and ultimately undermine the idea of trust within an established relationship, He could be simply setting her up, or in fact, may be insecure in what He truly wants even though a very limited amount of communication has occurred. I agree that one year is a new relationship and without moving towards 'collaring' there are still issues that have to be resolved.

In summary, I personally would 'outwait' the situation until the facts become clear before taking any further steps. I would not immediately 'bolt' as the journey is definitely more valuable than the final destination IMHO. You stand to learn a great deal, whether or not it ultimately progresses into 'what He wants'.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 17

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 9:59:52 AM

szobras

Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline

Amlonging,
After reading your post, and your concerns voiced here, for me, i would review just what I was choosing to sign up for. As you have stated, you do not find this Dom appealing, and seem to me to have more interest in her. Your concern for the best interest of all is admirable. If I were to feel that those I were considering to be involved with were not of open, honest, and clear communication between them, then I would surely be wary of the same applied to me. No thank you. Just my opinion. To answere your question. Yes, in this case,I would discuss openly, honestly and forethright with all involved, Collared or not, of my intentions preceeding my discision to pursue them.

< Message edited by szobras -- 2/6/2007 10:11:57 AM >

(in reply to obey1)

Post #: 18

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 10:15:08 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I am well aware that they communicate in an almost micromanagment sort of way all during the day, she has more than 20 rules she must follow daily

Ouch!

I agree. Is it normal to have so many rules? It sort of sounds like insecurity on his part, too.

What has the number of rules got to do with anything. If I want to introduce 100 rules for My girl to follow each day, thats upto Me...... the worrying thing here is that whilst they may talk... they obviously don't communicate... not honestly. the girls reaction showed that!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 19

RE: Is this Dom "trolling" me? - 2/6/2007 10:22:10 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

What has the number of rules got to do with anything.

Nothing if you are into micromangement and desire a girl who can't live her life without guidance and rules every minute. Sounds like a lot of unncessary work to me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 20

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