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Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 8:53:42 AM

resademilo

Posts: 29
Joined: 1/27/2005
Status: offline

Yes i know BDSM-ness isn't really a word but i was so bothered by an event today i had to vent it.

I view my messages today and one merely questioned: "Why are you here online in a bdsm context...you are clearly merely kinky vanilla. "

It really does bother me when people waste their time and mine questioning my degree of kinkiness. So on reply i did ask what does it matter to him and then it came out he didn't understand why i was here when i already had a Master. He questioned if i was here showing off and then again mentioned me being vanilla.

1. Why do people think challenging a person is the way to start a conversation with them or is it just meant to be an evasive way of expressing they are pissed off you aren't available?

2. How many people have partners already and come here to socialize and read intelligent conversations about BDSM? I for one think it's important to know what's going on with others in our community. And i like to learn views and share mine as well.

We have a community that is not fully accepted by the vanilla world. But some vanilla individuals come here and in time they learn they are more kinky then vanilla. But it hurts the community when some of our members do nothing but stalk around challeging people and their right to be here or not.

I guess we need a stamp on our birth certificates stating Kinky from Birth!

I just want to tell anyone who is new this: Don't let a person like this insult you and turn you from our community. There are many of us who do care to help new people understand the many facets of the BDSM life. We don't all like the same things. We don't always share the same degree of intensity but we all share our interest in alternative living. And that's all that should matter for us being here.

Post #: 1

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 9:10:42 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

I'm here for conversation and information also. If you check out my profile, there is not much anyone can say about it. I occasionally get junk mail but not often enough to bother me. I think you received the challenge because some people are annoyed that they have to go through so many profiles of sub/slaves who are already taken. I say that they should check out many different sites because others are more personals-based than this one. One of the sites is just full of cock pictures, for instance, so I avoid it. It's a free market.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to resademilo)

Post #: 2

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 9:21:51 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: resademilo
1. Why do people think challenging a person is the way to start a conversation with them or is it just meant to be an evasive way of expressing they are pissed off you aren't available?

It's a way to get you talking to them, a way to get you emotional, and a way to allow them to show off what they know. You wouldn't BELIEVE the messages I get from men once they realize I have a degree in philosophy, it's like I've shouted at them to challenge me on any and every topic of philosophy they can.

I think of it as akin to hitting a girl in elementary school if you like her because you really don't know how else to communicate and don't want the risk of rejection. It's not very mature, but they don't know any other way to do it.

quote:

2. How many people have partners already and come here to socialize and read intelligent conversations about BDSM? I for one think it's important to know what's going on with others in our community. And i like to learn views and share mine as well.

I'm a list junkie, so I'm all over the place on forums and discussion lists. I do have some fairly stable relationships, but I'm open to others. Unfortunately few who message me seem to get that...

quote:

There are many of us who do care to help new people understand the many facets of the BDSM life. We don't all like the same things. We don't always share the same degree of intensity but we all share our interest in alternative living. And that's all that should matter for us being here.

Agreed, unfortunately bdsm is no different from vanilla and every sub-culture has its pecking order and people trying to weed out the "players and wannabes." Also, it takes a high degree of self-awareness to understand the difference between "disagree" and "dislike."

(in reply to resademilo)

Post #: 3

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 9:22:04 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: resademilo

Yes i know BDSM-ness isn't really a word but i was so bothered by an event today i had to vent it.

I view my messages today and one merely questioned: "Why are you here online in a bdsm context...you are clearly merely kinky vanilla. "

It really does bother me when people waste their time and mine questioning my degree of kinkiness. So on reply i did ask what does it matter to him and then it came out he didn't understand why i was here when i already had a Master. He questioned if i was here showing off and then again mentioned me being vanilla.

1. Why do people think challenging a person is the way to start a conversation with them or is it just meant to be an evasive way of expressing they are pissed off you aren't available?

2. How many people have partners already and come here to socialize and read intelligent conversations about BDSM? I for one think it's important to know what's going on with others in our community. And i like to learn views and share mine as well.

We have a community that is not fully accepted by the vanilla world. But some vanilla individuals come here and in time they learn they are more kinky then vanilla. But it hurts the community when some of our members do nothing but stalk around challeging people and their right to be here or not.

I guess we need a stamp on our birth certificates stating Kinky from Birth!

I just want to tell anyone who is new this: Don't let a person like this insult you and turn you from our community. There are many of us who do care to help new people understand the many facets of the BDSM life. We don't all like the same things. We don't always share the same degree of intensity but we all share our interest in alternative living. And that's all that should matter for us being here.

If you think of BDSM as a rainbow, you not only have a spectrum of colors, but each of the colors has variations of shade and intensity. It is within the spectrum and variations that one finds beauty. Just because I may be an intense blue doesn't give me a right to tell a pale yellow that they aren't part of the rainbow.

If people spent less time judging others and telling them how to live and more time honing their skills and learning more about BDSM we would have a lot more skilled and knowledgeable people to choose from. (or to converse with)

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to resademilo)

Post #: 4

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 11:25:17 AM

ARoseAndAnEye

Posts: 67
Joined: 12/8/2004
Status: offline

if i received an email like that i'd just delete it and forget it.

we're all here because we embrace something special. BDSM makes us all unique. i also love to exercise and workout religiously. the fact that i am not a woman body builder doesn't mean i'm a phony fitness nut. i appreciate the talents of body builders and their commitment and passion for the sport. in the same way, i appreciate those here who either through living style or time ability are able to embrace BDSM with a gusto that i could never attain. my job, my children, my friends and family... they're all a part of what makes me ME. Master and i thoroughly enjoy "kink". its fun. its a diversion. its HOT. But there's also PTA meetings... basketball... football... dinners with friends... in those situations i am the proverbial suburban wife and mother.

Master shares me with a marvelous Mistress in a neighboring town. Mistress and her subs live quite a different life than we do. They travel to dungeons all through the midwest. They play much more often than we are able to and routinely attend BDSM functions and presentations. We are no less BDSM-ers (another made up one!) than they are.

At the end of the day, when my leash is knotted around Master's fist, and i'm kneeling at His feet with my lips against His palm, i know what i am, and i am complete.

~ anna

< Message edited by ARoseAndAnEye -- 3/8/2005 11:27:48 AM >

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Post #: 5

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 1:47:35 PM

littlebuttercup

Posts: 36
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

don't let people get to you. you rock!

_____________________________

sticking feathers in your butt does not make you a chicken.

(in reply to ARoseAndAnEye)

Post #: 6

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 2:40:55 PM

fencerpet19

Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

I got en email just like that too... I can see how it's annoying if your profile is still pending. They want to get first dibs, and don't bother waiting a few days to read it. I had a Master at the time, and I made a good point about how I was on here to learn and that there were tons of other couples on collarme. Fortunately, he listened to me and was much more friendly in later emails. It'll be interesting though, now that I'm swingin' single again

~FP
PS: I can't see how this guy could say you were merely kinky! You're clearly in to BDSM (more so than me) the guy just sounds angry and desperate

_____________________________

"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

(in reply to littlebuttercup)

Post #: 7

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 2:53:14 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access denied. Not allowed to have personal information to throw in my face at a later time.

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 9:50:13 PM >

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Post #: 8

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 3:23:13 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

I figure that someone who challenges me for the things I love has so few things in their own life that give them pleasure, that they have nothing better to do.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 4:01:03 PM

resademilo

Posts: 29
Joined: 1/27/2005
Status: offline

you know come to think of it i was looking at the post ranks and my rank is vanilla. Has me wondering now if this person was so clueless to think the rank titles are lifestyle choices we put up there. haha.

No it didn't get me mad but i wanted to post about it in case some people new to the community have experienced this treatment. It's really sad but it happens too much that ignorant people mess up the fun in anything.

And yeah i know i'm kinky, i'm so kinky my teddy bears are afraid to close their eyes at night!

(in reply to resademilo)

Post #: 10

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 5:10:39 PM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Makes you wonder doesn't it? Seems odd that in an alternative lifestyle, one that allows about any kind of kink, that there are still those who choose to be judgemental. I prefer to just accept people as they are, possibly make suggestions and then use a disclaimer of "but whatever you want (or think)"..lol.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to resademilo)

Post #: 11

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/8/2005 7:25:42 PM

Praevalens

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

Makes you wonder doesn't it? Seems odd that in an alternative lifestyle, one that allows about any kind of kink, that there are still those who choose to be judgemental. I prefer to just accept people as they are, possibly make suggestions and then use a disclaimer of "but whatever you want (or think)"..lol.

WHAT YOU SAID!! That rocks!!

< Message edited by Praevalens -- 3/8/2005 7:26:58 PM >

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 12

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/9/2005 2:58:36 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: resademilo

Yes i know BDSM-ness isn't really a word but i was so bothered by an event today i had to vent it.

I view my messages today and one merely questioned: "Why are you here online in a bdsm context...you are clearly merely kinky vanilla. "

It really does bother me when people waste their time and mine questioning my degree of kinkiness. So on reply i did ask what does it matter to him and then it came out he didn't understand why i was here when i already had a Master. He questioned if i was here showing off and then again mentioned me being vanilla.

1. Why do people think challenging a person is the way to start a conversation with them or is it just meant to be an evasive way of expressing they are pissed off you aren't available?

2. How many people have partners already and come here to socialize and read intelligent conversations about BDSM? I for one think it's important to know what's going on with others in our community. And i like to learn views and share mine as well.

We have a community that is not fully accepted by the vanilla world. But some vanilla individuals come here and in time they learn they are more kinky then vanilla. But it hurts the community when some of our members do nothing but stalk around challeging people and their right to be here or not.

I guess we need a stamp on our birth certificates stating Kinky from Birth!

I just want to tell anyone who is new this: Don't let a person like this insult you and turn you from our community. There are many of us who do care to help new people understand the many facets of the BDSM life. We don't all like the same things. We don't always share the same degree of intensity but we all share our interest in alternative living. And that's all that should matter for us being here.

I just joined this site a few days ago, mainly to make new friends and learn from others. I have a Master and we have lived together for just over a year. I would say that we are mainly D/s in the bedroom, but because He has health problems I am finding more and more that I am serving non-sexually as well.

We have a little inside joke, about the "invisible BDSM rule book". It's also written in invisible ink, because no one I know has ever seen a copy of it yet we have had people say to us "Oh you are not a real Dom/sub". I mean, who says what is real?

It's real to us, and that's the only thing that matters. When He gets that tone in His voice, or grabs me by the hair, I'm His. When I'm serving Him, in bed or out, I am His. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world

(in reply to resademilo)

Post #: 13

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/9/2005 5:47:13 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash
Seems odd that in an alternative lifestyle, one that allows about any kind of kink, that there are still those who choose to be judgemental.

That's the flip side of people in bdsm being JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

This means they judge and are intolerant and want to be superior JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE in other/mainstream cultures.

Personally I'm ok with judging. Judge away! Just don't expect others to agree.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 14

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/9/2005 6:02:12 AM

MissP

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

I'm fed up with the folk that think that they're better than everybody else coz they've been around longer/go to the "in" clubs/do edgeplay/are "twooer". It dull, it's boring, it's repetitive and it's uneccessary.

Your BDSM is your own, no matter how hard, how long and how much you do it.

Never feel you need validation from anybody else. You don't. It's your life, live it!

_____________________________

MissP xx

http://www.mistress-p.co.uk/

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 15

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/10/2005 7:52:05 PM

Hayvin

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

I think one of the main reasons why I can shrug off such accusations is based on one question:

How can anyone claim to be able to judge at what point "a little kink" becomes "real" BDSM?

Some claim that you can judge by the amount of gear/toys - "Wow, he's blown like, HUNDREDS of dollars on gear, he must be REALLY hardcore Dees!" Interesting, except that it's just as easy for a poser to write a check as it is for a True Believer.

Some would argue that it's the number of skills/kinks that the person has performed/experienced. - "See that guy? I've seen him do everything from Breath Control to Suspension, he's The Real Deal!" This type of statement is even more common, but I would argue that "skills" do not equal "dedication to a way of life," - All it really indicates is that the person has personal discipline, but not necessarily "dedication to the lifestyle."

My personal conclusion? Basically, that there is simply NO WAY for one person to judge another's actual "level" of dedication, no matter how well their target speaks, how much they know, or how much they own. At some point, all you can really go on is the behavior that the person demonstrates over the course of their entire life.

And is the accuser, whoever they are, willing to scientifically and clinically monitor me for the next, say, 50 years? No? Then they have nothing to base their claim on, and they should probably get back to their job of Chartered Accountancy and leave me the hell alone.

(No, I have nothing against Accountants, that last bit was a JOKE)

< Message edited by Hayvin -- 3/10/2005 7:54:23 PM >

(in reply to MissP)

Post #: 16

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/10/2005 9:59:08 PM

phoenix52

Posts: 179
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyShoshin
If you think of BDSM as a rainbow, you not only have a spectrum of colors, but each of the colors has variations of shade and intensity. It is within the spectrum and variations that one finds beauty. Just because I may be an intense blue doesn't give me a right to tell a pale yellow that they aren't part of the rainbow.

What a great way to put it.... i know some people that should really take this to heart.

shannon
(Who has been told she is not a sub, not a slave, and not even into BDSM, all by strangers

)

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Post #: 17

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/11/2005 1:19:41 AM

temptation

Posts: 111
Joined: 2/20/2004
From: heaven
Status: offline

on a BDSM scale, i'm probably at the light end of "kinky vanilla" but at the same time, I think I know as much about "bdsm" as anyone else?

I just choose what i like, because I like it. not because I want to be a hardcore bdsmer or anything.

(in reply to phoenix52)

Post #: 18

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/11/2005 1:23:49 AM

TheycallmeExotic

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

I have felt the same way recently. When I first got into the lifestyle, I found some really nice people online that were willing to help me along. Now years later, I find people are judgemental about everything. I have been told I wasnt a true Domme bc I'd rather have someone clean or massage instead of tie them up. I have had peopl make fun of this sn bc it doesnt say KinnyDommebeatsaSub and that is just stupid. It sickens me when people are judgemental but when someone vanilla says something about the lifestyle they want to get hypocritcal. I say let it slide off your back.

(in reply to phoenix52)

Post #: 19

RE: Challenging A persons BDSM-ness - 3/11/2005 7:20:07 AM

resademilo

Posts: 29
Joined: 1/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hayvin

Some claim that you can judge by the amount of gear/toys - "Wow, he's blown like, HUNDREDS of dollars on gear, he must be REALLY hardcore Dees!" Interesting, except that it's just as easy for a poser to write a check as it is for a True Believer.

Oh Hayvin you hit something there that has always killed me. I remember once i was in a chat room with people i knew from the scene real life. Now i'm not a person for the scene but i've gone to socials (to try and socialize what nerve of me!).

But anyway, someone mentioned how they can't always afford to run out to all the events and buy all this and that. I'm in DC and between the hotel cost and entry fees if you did the circuit of events a month you'd be putting out a few hundred dollars.

So i didn't see nothing wrong with what the person was saying about not affording to prove themselves by possessions and event attendence.

But someone who did have that money had the nerve to say, "those who have steak eat it, and those who don't, can't."

That's the attitude out here and personally I don't find it appealing at all.

(in reply to Hayvin)

Post #: 20

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