Getting to know each other: A lost art?

Getting to know each other: A lost art? (Full Version)

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GeekyGirl -> Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:16:12 PM)
Whatever happened to getting to know someone that you are romantically interested in? Surely I'm not the only person who remembers this phenomenon: Boy Meets Girl, Boy and Girl get to know each other, Boy and Girl become friends, Boy and Girl develop romantic interest in each other, Boy and Girl began dating, Boy and Girl become physically intimate, etc. Is it to much to ask for this kind of thing if you're a submissive? My profile clearlys states that I am looking for a relationship to grow slowly. So why is it that when I am contacted , the first thing a propective dominant wants to know is details of my sexual/Lifestyle preferences? Am I being unreasonable to consider it rude to ask a stranger the details of their sex life? I am looking for a dominant to be my best friend and Life partner. I feel that if he is looking for the same thing, he will make some effort to get to know me as a human being and befriend me before asking me the details of my Lifestyle preferences. I get offended when strangers start asking me what my hard limits are, what sex acts I enjoy, etc. I feel those conversations should wait until I have gotten to know a person a little better. Furthermore, when a dominant begans asking those things right off the bat, I get the impression he is only looking for a sex partner and not something serious. If a man contacts me off this site, he shouldn't have to ask any BDSM oriented questions right off the bat. My profile addresses the basics of whether or not I'm poly, what I'm looking for, how long I've been in the Lifestyle, if I'm willing to relocate, etc. Why not make an attempt to find out about ME before asking about my submissive tendencies? No man is going to dominate me until he's earned my friendship...that comes from getting to know each other and spending time with each other. Instead of asking me what my kinks are, why not ask me about my family, my pets, my career, my religious beliefs, my political leanings etc? In other words, take an interest in me as a human being. You wouldn't introduce yourself to someone at the grocery store and say "Hi I'm bob, how are you? Do you like pony play?" Yet men consider it appropriate to introduce themselves in such a way online. Whatever happened to common manners? Does being in the lifestyle exempt you from that? I just don't consider it appropriate to ask highly personal questions of someone I just met. Am I crazy for wanting a relationship to develop traditionally? I prefer to get to know someone online, proceed to phone conversations, meet for a short date to see if there's any chemistry, and if things go well from there, go on a few more dates before proceeding to anything intimate or relating to BDSM. I don't trust just anyone...I need to get to know the person before I'm even going to consider them as someone I want to dominate me. Does no one else feel this way anymore? I'm starting to think I'm the only one. end of rant

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:22:40 PM)
Having expectations of anyone online is a fast track to annoyance. Have no expectations, be happily surprised when someone does share your values.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:28:08 PM)
When you meet somewhere else, there are different assumptions. On here, the majority of people are looking soecifically for Dom/sub relationships with shared kinks. They ask about those kinks right off, becasue its one of the main goals of their search on here. Just becasue you talk about someones sexual preferences right off, doesnt mean that you have to engage in those practices the first time you meet. Or that they are the only thing you can talk about. I will admit, I do tend to ask someone if they are interested in the same things I am right off. That way we dont find out later on that we are incompatible when and if it does get romantic. However, once it is established that we at least have the same basic interests, then the getting to know you process begins. I think you have to temper what your looking for with where you are looking for it. Hoping to find a relationship that follows a more vanilla learning curve on here is probably not going to happen. Someone is looking at you becasue you are submissive, so they are going to want to find out about your submissive tendancies right off. The getting to know you and earning your trust will happen afterwards, or should at least. They dont have to be mutually exclusive. Just ebcasue a Dom knows what you are into doesnt mean they dont still have to get to know you and build a relationship before you play. It just means they know what to expect once that relationship is built. My take on things, at least. Hope it at least made sense DV

LaTigresse -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:28:19 PM)
My sentiments exactly.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:32:51 PM)
I can understand asking someone in a general way "what are you looking for." Asking specific kinks is a bit different than that to me...I'm VERY open minded and my hard limit list has about 5 things on it, so I've just never considered my kinks to be something that would rule me out as a sub..I'm willing to get into just about anything the dominant desires. For me, I'm much more interested in who he is as a person. I can adjust to his kinks 99% of the time..but there are certain vanilla issues I could never get over no matter what. I guess it's just a different mindset. For example, if he was into something off the wall like Alien Bondage Role Play With Anal Probes, that'd be ok with me...but if he didn't like animals or voted for Bush, I wouldn't be interested in him. To me, if we don't agree on a large number of vanilla issues, there's no point in talking about kink...because I wouldn't want a kinky relationship with someone who's vanilla values were drastically different than mine.

FukinTroll -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:35:32 PM)
Providing they do not live in an apartment right?

GeekyGirl -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:36:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FukinTroll Providing they do not live in an apartment right? LOL, I don't care where they live or how much money they make. I'm finanically stable.

Devilslilsister -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:38:28 PM)
Hey now, i had a man pop in an IM last night that said "so are you going to be my slave?" What FUN i had with that. I made a point of mentioning commitment, getting to know ppl, and how does he not know i am 800 LB midget?? i mean reaaaaaally. Course i asked about how he planned to provide and living arraingments (which he replied with "what do you need") I told him a car....... and when he said "where do i send it to?" My first thought was whoaaaaaa maybe this isnt a HNG but some pyscho who wants my address. ::smiles:: so i directed him to paypal. Course i eventually got bored with him and just told him i couldnt be his slave because my Master would have a cow. (purple and yellow dotted one) Point being, there are um, wierd people everywhere. People with different wants needs, blah blah blah. God knows who you'll run into. Just keep sorting through the ones you dont want till you find the one you do want. Its out there, you just have to do alot of sorting and shape shifting.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:43:27 PM)
I agree wholeheartedly. If I cant get along with someone in the vanilla world, I wont be interested in them within the kinky one. However, the reverse tends to be true as well. If we arent interested in the same kinks, its unlikely we will have much compatibility either. I ask about specifics becasue so many people use buzz words and terms that they arent fully familiar with to describe what they are looking for, when I ask something that generic. An answer like Body Worship and Service... well, what exactly do THEY think that means? I prefer to know what someone else is going to expect before I get to know them. Peronsaly, I need to know there will be compatibility in both areas. And unfortunately, telling someone you will be open to 99% of their kinks will more likely get MORE questions, not less. Thats an exciting concept. I dont think your wrong in expecting it, at all. I expect the same thing, overal compatibility. I just think you should worry less about what they ask ahead of time and just let them know that the vanilla is as important as the kink. If it isnt for them, and they dont want to spend the time to get to know you, then you know right off that they aret what your looking for. The easiest way in the world to narrow the field. Tel them you want to get to now the real them before you play. Those seriously interested will have no problem wiht that regardless of their first questions. Those who arent wont be a waste of time. DV

GeekyGirl -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:47:50 PM)
Thanks Diurnal...you make a lot of sense. I think part of my issue is that when a man starts asking me sexual questions, I worry that he's asking them just to get off on the conversation and not out of a genuine desire to know my interests, if that makes sense.

slavemaia -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:54:21 PM)
Well, GeekyGirl, i've checked your profile and it is rather vague so i'm not surprised that you're getting alot of questions. As LA said expectations are a problem - period. i've found particularly as a slave, one of the first things i had to learn about being submissive is to submit - LOL - that means i don't have to voice my opinion, take a stance, be right or anything like that because a Dominant perceives things differently than i. A simple no thank you is plenty. And until such time as an agreement is made and accepted, a polite no is acceptable to everyone. If a Dominant wants information about you that you're not ready to share simply tell him how you feel. It's not a right wrong thing, it's just a difference in approaches. Your impressions are just that - yours. That's another thing i've learned as a slave - i'm not a mind reader and acting like one only creates problems. You don't know anyone's motives and assuming that you do is not a good practice, particularly for a submissive. i wish you luck in your journey and may i suggest that some humility is always attractive.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 6:59:17 PM)
See I actually thought my profile was overly specific as opposed to being vague.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 7:05:26 PM)
Asking what your into, could be innocent information gathering or could be trolling. Asking for details of what you have done in the past, or details of your fantasies and such early on in the communication might be a bit more of a red flag. Like maia said, if your not comfortble answering, then say so. You dont owe them answers just becasue they are Dominant.

GeekyGirl -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 7:08:45 PM)
That's pretty much what I've been doing....I say something along the lines of "I'm not really comfortable discussing that subject matter with you yet" and then proceed to ask him a question about his vanilla interests. 9 times out of 10, they end the conversation, usually without even saying "goodbye" or "I'm not interested".

juliaoceania -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 7:24:04 PM)
This is what your post sounds like to me You do not want doms to expect anything from you right away. You expect them to respect your expectations. Reality does not work that way, we just cannot expect strangers to respect what we desire. I think it is unreasonable for you to expect them to. You cannot change what these other people emailing you do. You cannot expect them to change the way they are for you. What you can do is be grateful they expose themselves as being the type of people that they are. They were self eliminated as prospects for a future relationship.They have a right to try to find women that will be open to being uninhibited sexually with them. It does not suit you, that is ok! They are looking for the ones that it will be ok with. This is a site about hooking up with like-minded individuals. Some people are so single minded in that quest that they are not even considering others have an issue with their approach. They figure this is a site for meeting people to do BDSM with, in or out of a relationship. They have the right to use the site that way as long as they are not violating the TOS. You have the right to delete their overtures and move on to the next. I have seen this same beef with other people on this site, and personally I know that if I have my ad on a sex site someone is going to email me things about it that I am not into just because I have my profile up. I am a big girl, so I delete it. Nothing you are wanting is bad geekygirl. It is more than ok to want to move slowly. I would suggest that you should focus on those who desire what you do, and delete the others, wish them well in your heart when you do.

toservez -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 8:16:42 PM)
There is nothing wrong with how you want to go about things. It is unfortunate that many people on the site can only talk about sex and therefore even if they are sincere and decent people they look like one track mind losers. I know when I was searching I would write back someone positive and would be disappointed by the next one or two messages devoid of any regular life talk and would write them off. That being said, for many people in this life including myself, do not keep regular things or want regular things first and then introduce the power exchange, sexual and kink but they are together and inseparable from the relationship, without both I probably would not want either. For most in this life, not all, the power, sexual and kink aspects are a pretty darn big thing and a major compatibility issue. Those wanting information in this area are not rude or shallow but how they like to go about things. Your profile gives off no information in general in what you are or respond to but a blanket you are open. If they are looking for specifics or detail histories then I agree they probably are not for you or really anybody. If they though are asking to check for compatibility then they may not be for you but I do not think they have done anything wrong either. Your way is fine and more then acceptable. It is not the only or best way. To each there own and the right person for you will feel the same as you. For that I think your profile is good for screening and be glad that your profile is separating people that might or might not work for you and not judge all the ones who you do not agree with.

kindaeasy69 -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 8:33:15 PM)
I’m curious as to why you haven’t utilized the interests portion of your profile. You have obviously put some time into the verbiage, so why not the checklist? In reading your profile, I find a little about your vanilla interests and that alone might be enough for me to contact you if I thought we were compatible. However, I would want to know about your interests, and quite frankly what turns you on, as that to me is why I am looking here and not on a vanilla dating site. The idea of getting to know someone and possibly even having some sort of feelings develop, and then to find out we are not compatible as far as our kinks, well it’s just frustrating. We all have our wants, needs, limits and deal breakers, so why not at least allude to them in the beginning? I would think, even just to know the highlights in the beginning so that you can focus on vanilla without a need to ask; at least that is how I would see it. For me, what it boils down to is if you had your checklist filled out and you stated, as you do, that you want to get to know someone before discussing kink, I would fully respect that. If however, you provide me no information in the kink department and are asking me to invest a lot of time in getting to know you before you will even discuss it, I would feel we are not compatible at best. Just one guy’s prospective.

Raphael -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 8:44:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl Whatever happened to getting to know someone that you are romantically interested in? Surely I'm not the only person who remembers this phenomenon: Boy Meets Girl, Boy and Girl get to know each other, Boy and Girl become friends, Boy and Girl develop romantic interest in each other, Boy and Girl began dating, Boy and Girl become physically intimate, etc. Is it to much to ask for this kind of thing if you're a submissive? My profile clearlys states that I am looking for a relationship to grow slowly. So why is it that when I am contacted , the first thing a propective dominant wants to know is details of my sexual/Lifestyle preferences? Am I being unreasonable to consider it rude to ask a stranger the details of their sex life? I am looking for a dominant to be my best friend and Life partner. I feel that if he is looking for the same thing, he will make some effort to get to know me as a human being and befriend me before asking me the details of my Lifestyle preferences. I get offended when strangers start asking me what my hard limits are, what sex acts I enjoy, etc. I feel those conversations should wait until I have gotten to know a person a little better. Furthermore, when a dominant begans asking those things right off the bat, I get the impression he is only looking for a sex partner and not something serious. If a man contacts me off this site, he shouldn't have to ask any BDSM oriented questions right off the bat. My profile addresses the basics of whether or not I'm poly, what I'm looking for, how long I've been in the Lifestyle, if I'm willing to relocate, etc. Why not make an attempt to find out about ME before asking about my submissive tendencies? I can really see both ways on this. I do agree with your ideal above. At the same time, the argument can be made that you should go ahead and talk about the kinky stuff right off, so that if you're fundamentally incompatible you can find out before you're too deeply invested. I always try to draw a moderate line between the two. I'm sure that's too fast for some, and too slow for others, but it's the best I can do.

juliaoceania -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 10:10:12 PM)
quote: I can really see both ways on this. I do agree with your ideal above. At the same time, the argument can be made that you should go ahead and talk about the kinky stuff right off, so that if you're fundamentally incompatible you can find out before you're too deeply invested. I agree with that. I looked at someone's kinky desires listed in their profiles, and I would ask stuff about things they had listed. If someone was not into sadism I was not into them.

prettichinadoll -> RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? (2/8/2007 11:02:18 PM)
I think it's more or less up to how you filtered people. From personal experience only, there're a lot of people who say they're looking for a LTR but they're really just looking for play partners and some quick fun. That's OK, as long as they're up front about it, and the people they eventually end up playing are also looking for play partners and some fun time. I can totally understand where do you come from, because after a year into this lifestyle, I wonder the same thing. Everything here seems so...straight forward. There's one time, I was in a private party. That's back when I first first started. and there's this dom I met for the first time at the party. At the end of the party, the other doms and subs are all back to the bedroom and start to...you know. He and I are left in the living room. And I thought it's like a costum or something that after play you just have to have sex. so I asked him "are you...?" and he's like "oh no...it's not like i don't want to, you're a very attractive woman, but I just have to know you first." I was so embarrassed...That's why I started to ask myself, where's all the old fashion "knowing people" goes in this lifestyle? Is it the "costume" here that people just have sex, play, having scenes (which may lead to unexpected emotional connection) with people you don't know much? I guess we're sort of the minorities here. Many people come to this lifestyle because the enviornment here are more open, which is a very good thing. but for us, I think we just have to come up with something to protect ourselves. Because we're looking for something different. I used to put a (unecessarily) long long long profile, and mention my limits by the end. and ask who ever email me mention my limits so I would know they actually takes the time to read my profile. That's what I meant by "how to filter people out". And one more thing, don't let other people get you. Don't let them tell you what you are, or what you're not. Don't let some jerks bring you down, and think all the rest of people are like him. To be honest, when I first started, this message board and some jerks' emails often pissed me off. but eventually, I learn to just let it be. Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you deal with it.

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