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Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/11/2007 2:58:22 PM

touchthesky

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it seems to me that the most naturally sexually Dominant men i know are not into BDSM. In fact i run into alot of Doms who seem almost too accomodating, more like they are Dom in order to fill my needs. I have spoken to the men i know not into the lifestyle about checking it out, since they have frequently complained other women found them too ruff. but in the 3 cases i am thinking of they more or less said BDSMwas too cult-like. I was talking to a friend about this who said he thought we in BDSM try to hide behind the rituals and equipment and run from intimacy. i can't say i agree but its something to think about

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/11/2007 5:17:19 PM

topcat

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Dear TtS-

>>> I was talking to a friend about this who said he thought we in BDSM try to hide behind the rituals and equipment and run from intimacy.<<<

I think that , for many, there is some truth in that. I have certainly had personal experiance of people who seem to be doing this stuff as a tactic for avoiding intimacy. For myself, I can say that the exagerated levels of trust in a SM relationship allows me to connect, to bond, where I might not be able to in a more traditionally framed interaction. It also has allowed me to express myself as a dominant male- to more cleanly and honestly embrace my own nature...

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/11/2007 5:25:58 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Haha, he's right when it comes to a lot of people.

I'll also add that dominant personality does not translate into dominant orientation.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 12:31:01 AM

RavenMuse

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To accomidating? Maybe you are mistaking dominering for Dominance then. Some brain-dead neandertal might not give a shit about the girl and carry on regardless.... aDominant will decide for Himself what feels right to Him... yet if He actualy WANTS to take into account the girls physical state, or emotional state suddenly you have folks like here making claims of "too accomidating".

It is MY damn choise, the way *I* want things to be.... I won't play some fantasy role, I am not simply a life-support system for a friggin' flogger. Nor do I "Hide from intimacy"... If I didn'tcare enought to WANT to take her into consideration, factor her needs into My decisions... THEN there would be no intimacy.... but also then she wouldn't interest Me enough to WANT more from her. her submission would have little value to Me..... If I didn't care then she would simply be a 'bottom' rather than My slave.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 9:52:32 AM

Aine

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I'd have to agree with pretty much everything that has been said thus far.

I'm rather dominant in my every day life, my work, etc. Does that mean I'm purely a Dominant or someone suited to a BDSM based Dominant relationship? Newp.

Also, domineering is a far cry from dominant. Quite the opposite in my opinion.

Yes, people use this lifestyle as an excuse to avoid intimacy. More power to 'em.

Some people find more intimacy -through- this lifestyle. More power to 'em.

Some people have intimacy or a lack thereof with or without the lifestyle. More power to 'em.

I could go on for days. It's moot.

My ex is/was domineering to a point. He is also dominant to a point. I had a long-held-out wish that that would someday translate into him becoming my dominant. Eh....didn't happen. I left...(for more reasons that just that ((whoooole oder can o'worms))).

My current boyfriend is a switch to a point. He's more tentative than I am, and I'm not going to push him. I'm not going to tell him what he is, I have no right. I introduced him to this and that's the end of it. He's the one that has to figure it out. I do what I can to help, he's both dominant and submissive in his every day life, and I don't know what kind of bearing that really has on him in relation to this. Only he does.

I felt that my ex would make a great Dominant. I was looking through rose colored glasses at the time. I subconsciously chose to not overtly introduce him to my interest in the lifestyle. For a few reasons now that I look back on it, though I didn't have those reasons in the forefront of my mind at the time.

For some reason, that fear that I had with my ex and what revealing it would do disappeared when I started dating my current boyfriend. It's been over a year and have we set any kind of 24/7 tpe? Absolutely not. We've not had time to figure out what it is that is, could be, will be, or might not be in the end. And I think too many push that issue with those that they are open about this with. People feel pressured into a certain dynamic that might just blow up in their faces down the road.

And I think that some people that are pointed towards this thing we do, feel even more keenly the pressure of one side or the other when someone says something to the effect of "I think you'd make a great (insert orientation here)."

I chose to step away from that idea and just opened up the conversation that -I- was into it and what it was for me at the time, I didn't say one word about what I think he might be. He chose that idea for himself and has changed it over time. Where it will go? I have no idea, much like I have no idea where my own orientation might lead me over time.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 10:38:14 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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on the other hand, some of the men i've met online use "dominant" as a sexual kink to pick up women. it's usually "hey, do you like being dominated by a man like me" or something to that effect as a pick up line however when you go further in details about what you like and enjoy, they automatically get turned off thinking you're a sick freak.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 12:22:15 PM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: touchthesky

it seems to me that the most naturally sexually Dominant men i know are not into BDSM. In fact i run into alot of Doms who seem almost too accomodating, more like they are Dom in order to fill my needs. I have spoken to the men i know not into the lifestyle about checking it out, since they have frequently complained other women found them too ruff. but in the 3 cases i am thinking of they more or less said BDSMwas too cult-like. I was talking to a friend about this who said he thought we in BDSM try to hide behind the rituals and equipment and run from intimacy. i can't say i agree but its something to think about

I've never quite understood what a dom is supposed to be. When it comes to BDSM I really don't have the time or the patience to bother with d/s relationships because that just seems to me to be about giving a sub what she wants. Basically if you don't fullfill her needs she is up and away so what is dominant about that? Certainly the women that call themselves subs that I have met seem to have a list of fantasies they want some man they call a dom to fullfill and if he doesn't then he ain't the one. In that scenario to me it is the sub that is in charge and my life style at this time in my life is not about making compromises to satisfy a demanding woman (and yep, subs are demanding and not worth the time or effort). Been there, done it and got the tee shirt and never again. I just have a couple of lady friends I scene with, they like bottoming and I like topping. It leaves me to get on with my life without all the hassle of a whiney sub who feels her pedestal isn't high enough. And yes, I think a lot feel the need to ritualise sex because many (I have met) are fucked up with stupid morals and BDSM is a way of rationalising kink. The times I have heard about BDSM embodying the fantastic concept of consent as if any other forms of sex doesn't have anything to do with consent doesn't bear thinking about. Cod philosophy rules the day for many of these subs because it is a way of being the slut they always wanted to be without actually being a slut in their own eyes.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 2/12/2007 12:30:16 PM >

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 2:48:49 PM

Celeste43

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Possibly they are natural dominants but that does not translate into an interest in protocol, rituals, or s & m. If it wasn't that we're both bondage freaks, I'd say we were vanilla D/s. He takes the lead automatically and we're both happier that way. No protocols, very few rituals or rules and very little toys except for rope, blindfold and gag. And those dratted nipple clamps I keep meaning to lose in the garbage!

(in reply to meatcleaver)

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 4:48:40 PM

touchthesky

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i was specically referring to sexually dominant men, as opposed to Doms, not domineering or demanding men. I mean this whole lifestyle isnt just some secret handshake, it came about because of peoples natures. When i say sexually dominant i mean a man who is an alpha male with a certain coolness and charisma, who takes charge in bed and likes to get ruff in the same way alot of us in the lifestyle do with perhaps less tools of the trade. Women tend to find men like this not sexually selfish but rather satisfying because they have alot of sexual skill

(in reply to Celeste43)

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 5:14:48 PM

MasterGremlin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: touchthesky

i was specically referring to sexually dominant men, as opposed to Doms, not domineering or demanding men. I mean this whole lifestyle isnt just some secret handshake, it came about because of peoples natures. When i say sexually dominant i mean a man who is an alpha male with a certain coolness and charisma, who takes charge in bed and likes to get ruff in the same way alot of us in the lifestyle do with perhaps less tools of the trade. Women tend to find men like this not sexually selfish but rather satisfying because they have alot of sexual skill

Then maybe your assessment of these men is mistaken because you stated to begin with that the women they are with are not happy with the sex they are getting from them. If they are "skilled" then they shouldn't have this problem.

Infact, after reading your original post again, it sounds to me that they are the ones who are avoiding intimacy. They sound to me to be the type who treat women like blow-up dolls.
Just my humble opinion.
Cordially,
minxy

< Message edited by MasterGremlin -- 2/12/2007 5:21:01 PM >

(in reply to touchthesky)

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 5:36:26 PM

juliaoceania

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I think that what you think of as "dom" may not be the same as what I think of as "dom". Being dom does not mean one has to want it rough. It does not mean they are bossy necessarily either. It does not mean that they are not accomodating at times to their partner.

To me a dom is someone that enjoys power exchange and they want to be the one to control. It means that they easily and readily assume power when presented with someone that they desire. It means that they are in control over themselves too. A bossy person, one that was very rough with me a lot, and was the opposite of accomodating would not appeal to me. Nor would one that was emotionally distant for that matter.

As for the rest of it, I would not know. I am not into ritualistic relationships.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 7:00:34 PM

CelticPrince

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Topcat,

A well said analogy!

CP

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 7:23:52 PM

Celeste43

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He isn't cool. Indeed when you say cool I think emotionally distant. Been there, bought the tee shirt, never again. And considering their exes describe them as too rough I would assume they were selfish, never noticing their partner's distress.

As far as accomodating, I should hope so. He isn't a mind reader able to do things always right without discussion and adjustments. You seem to believe that a D/s relationship works on different ground rules than vanilla ones. Not so. Being a relationship means that their are two (or more) people involved who have different needs at different times. And unless those needs are met, the people will be unhappy in the relationship and leave it, physically or emotionally. You accomodate each others needs, you give as well as take. Most of all you talk about things beforehand and afterwards. There is no magical, "he will take one look and know you inside out better than you do yourself". That's a Cinderella pipedream and if you keep holding out for it, you'll let real love slip right by.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 9:45:05 PM

touchthesky

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2 master gremlin, sorry if i worded badly, what i said was not sexually selfish but satifying... meaning the women they were involved with did NOT find them selfish they found the man very satisfying... at least the ones who were not looking for a gentle lover.

(in reply to Celeste43)

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 10:41:59 PM

MasterWilliam55

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I have a friend, a submissive girl, a maochist actually who told me her greatest lover was a Dominant who didn't know he was a Dom. He owned no whips or chains, no needles or knives, to prove he was Dominant.....he just was. There is a lesson in that for us all.

(in reply to touchthesky)

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 10:44:22 PM

touchthesky

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to MasterWilliam. that is exactly what i was talking about. Sometimes people just aren't introduced to the lifestyle but they know they aren't really like the average bear

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/12/2007 10:59:18 PM

MasterWilliam55

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to touchthesky: The one who touches our soul...is often the one we least expect. Dominance is about the spirit.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/13/2007 6:43:56 AM

Aine

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I still am of the thinking that just because a person is "dominant" in bed has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they are "A Dominant" in the BDSM or D/s sense.

*shrugs*

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Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/13/2007 6:49:36 AM

KatyLied

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I dated a man whom I consider naturally dominant. He was kinky but not into D/s, of course this was many years ago and we didn't even know D/s existed. He implemented some domly things, like "rules". It was all sex-based, and I think he would make a good Dom in the D/s sense, not just the kinky sense. Yep, he was all that. hehe

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/13/2007 6:55:17 AM

mixielicous

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like many have prolly heard me say Mine & i started as vanilla. i attribute the success of our relationship to the fact that He was a natural dominant, regardless of being oblivious to D/s ... i remember the first time He smacked me - i accidentally scratched His back [very deeply - He has scarred] during sex and He quickly let me know where i stand. it was a great night for both of us, when He realized, not only did i not mind, but i appreciated it. LOL. now He is my Master.

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