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Training for Dominants - 2/13/2007 10:54:34 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		So much has been written about training subs yet all the doms who talk endlessly about "training" seem to have just been born magically one day knowing all the right answers. In reality, who "trained" you? Did you start off as a submissive yourself and learn from the bottom up? Did a more experienced dominant teach you their philosophies? Did you read every book you could get your hands on? Did you learn everything you know from chatrooms and websites? I'm really curious because I am a young dominant and still know that I have so much to learn even though I am well in touch with my true nature...now the challenge is learning how to best express it and present it. I talked about this before in the thread on "what are you working on improving" I think it was.

Obviously knowing you are a dom, a sadist, or any other identity is not enough. We have to have role models, people to train us even. Yet, I don't see nearly enough of this being talked about and sometimes feel as if I'm the only one who didn't pop out of the womb knowing how to reach into a submissive's heart and mold it to my liking or all that other shmoopy stuff that gets tossed around.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 2:40:04 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

So much has been written about training subs yet all the doms who talk endlessly about "training" seem to have just been born magically one day knowing all the right answers. In reality, who "trained" you?
 
No-one.
quote:

Did you start off as a submissive yourself and learn from the bottom up?
 
No.  And lol....
quote:

Did a more experienced dominant teach you their philosophies?
 
No.
quote:

Did you read every book you could get your hands on?
 
No.
quote:

 Did you learn everything you know from chatrooms and websites?
 
No.
quote:

I'm really curious because I am a young dominant and still know that I have so much to learn even though I am well in touch with my true nature...now the challenge is learning how to best express it and present it. I talked about this before in the thread on "what are you working on improving" I think it was.

Obviously knowing you are a dom, a sadist, or any other identity is not enough. We have to have role models, people to train us even. Yet, I don't see nearly enough of this being talked about and sometimes feel as if I'm the only one who didn't pop out of the womb knowing how to reach into a submissive's heart and mold it to my liking or all that other shmoopy stuff that gets tossed around.

The actual art of dominating my partner is merely an expression of the needs I was born with.  This is definitely not to be confused with the physical skills of Topping.  Anyone, including submissives, can learn or teach how to use toys, floggers or tie knots etc.... 
 
To me, such skills are merely how we express physical intimacy and are secondary to my greater need of controlling my girl at most levels of everyday life.  The need to control another is not something you can learn or teach, only the means are.
 
And since I have individually unique requirements on how my girl serves, dresses and generally presents herself etc, it's quite laughable to think there are actually doms out there offering to train subs for other Doms.
 
The "training" you're probably referring to is merely teaching or showing your girl how YOU want things done.  Hardly requires a diploma, ay?
 
Focus.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 2:45:47 AM   
internation32


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline 		I was explained how to train and comand respect from a different master who took me under his wing and explained the lifestyle in a safe way

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 3:07:21 AM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		I was mentored by a good friend who had been a Dominant for 6 years when I began to have an interest in the lifestyle. I'm not one of those people who knew from an early age that controlling others was their 'calling'. I learned the fine points of using toys in a manner that would not cause damage to a sub, along with the need for after care. She lent me books to read and was there to answer my questions, of which I had many.

I also learned from reading, chatting with others, in other words 'doing my homework'. I believe I will never stop learning as there will always be others with more knowledge in all areas of the lifestyle.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 3:11:51 AM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		Mentoring from an experienced Dom or couple is an excellent way to develop knowledge and skills. It also gives you time to watch and learn from discussion and observation.

There are even events and conferences that are tracked to for the Doms to learn.  

Being on the east coast and close to the DC area is nice since there are some wonderful events and training academy there in DC.  In addition to the Pansexual kink groups such as BR there are the cross over that include the Leather community and offer outstanding guidance, insight and training, if you are willing to attend and seek guidance.

Check out:
MAsT meetings (www.mast.net/chapters/philly/index.htm)
DCleatherFest (www.dcleatherfest.org)
Master Taino’s Training Academy (www.Masterslavetraining.org)
Master slave Conference (www.masterslaveconference.org)


As a submissive, I cannot begin to tell you how many wonderful Doms and Masters attend these events and trainings. At the Academy it ranges from beginners to long time established Doms attending (but it does leans towards the newer Doms).

It is not just about attending or getting training, it is also about community and becoming part of the larger group, finding friends and support. And networking. The more you establish yourself as a respected Dom, the more others are apt to invite you to private functions, introduce you to subs, and widen your potential opportunity in finding the right partner.

Goodluck

(in reply to internation32)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 3:25:02 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		I started on the other side of the kneel and have learned from many dominants that I respected and trusted.
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to goodpet)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 5:38:51 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		I started from the bottom up and subbed in r/t for 5 years.  However, prior to that time, I was in many relationships where I was considered the strong one in making decisions and setting the pace and direction of the relationship during which time I displayed the propensity for kinky play although I hadnt attached a name to it.  Now, I have a live-in submissive.  Ive read and studied many websites, books and attended BDSM seminars.  Im also connected with my local BDSM community.

I think that my dominance personality is innate; however, what Ive learned helps me to manifest my dominance within BDSM guidelines.  Otherwise, Id be a control freak.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 5:59:57 AM   
SCDommie


Posts: 176
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		Excellent topic.  
I had a Mentor in the beginning to help me overcome basic fears. 
I found a Domme in the same state I was in who trained me in SM tecniques.

It is my own personal opinion that you cannot be born with skills such as milking the prostate, flogging, edge play, etc, and etc. 
It is a constant learning curve for me. 
I have reached the chasity stage and enjoy it.  I would never have known how to do these things without help.

SCD

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 6:10:59 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I learned by making mistakes.

(in reply to SCDommie)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 7:37:32 AM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		In things physical, help or as some call it "training", I don't understand why some people seem to laugh at the idea of being helped along if they are dominant.  In both things physical and mental, discussion of ideas and discussion of technique are never a bad thing in my opinion.

Or that learning from one side to the other is so laughable.  Granted it might not be for everyone, some people are more open to the idea than others, but to laugh at it in my opinion is to laugh in the face of those who have, as though it's not worth anything.  I'm not trying to start a shit storm, but I am also honestly curious as to why people think it's so odd to train as a dominant when first starting out.

Yes, people have their own ideas and their own wants and desires when it comes to how they want their sub (when they get one) to do thing and how they want to run things, but that doesn't mean that you are right in everything that you think.  Discussing those ideas with others and getting new perspectives is never a bad thing.  That doesn't mean that you -have- to change your ideas or opinions.  That's entirely up to you. (and keep in mind I'm using the general "you")

But a sub that sees that a person is stuck in their ways and not open to updating or changing their ideas is not going to stick around if they don't agree with those ideas and demands.  Well a sub that knows better, at least.

Entirely too often I see the fresh new dominants that think they already know everything and that their way is just perfect, snare a fresh new sub in subfrenzy and the whole thing blows up when the sub ends up not meeting or not wanting to meet those "perfect" expectations of the fresh new dominant.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 7:43:40 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I had a lot of experience as a slave/sub/bottom, and all of my ex-masters had encouraged me to learn how to assist them in scenes with others so that helped.  I also attended a lot of demos.  My most recent ex is the one who pushed me towards becoming a competent top.  He would personally teach me things, be my sounding board, force me to get out there.

After that it was mostly a matter of practice, taking it slow, learning as I went from demos and trial and error.

Again, subs tend to flee from anything they see as weakness- a novice dom is a thing to be approached slowly and with hesitation, and only if there is a lot of emotional connection already in place.  That's just how things work in the scene- and it's too bad. 

It's also to do with competition.  The novice female subs are fought over like kobe scraps of meat, the males are to be pushed back as much as possible to eliminate competition.  The novice doms tend to just leap into the frenzy and fake it rather than biding their time (or they give up and marry vanilla only to wreck a family a few decades later when they realize it won't work anymore).

My ex master had a long conversation with me a few years ago when I expressed that I really enjoyed topping, but didn't ever think I'd call myself a dominant.  He said that you can get into the play right away, but feeling right about dominating and feeling like it's just a part of the relationship is something that takes awhile to develop, something that just has to come on its own over time.

And he was right.  I still catch myself sometimes and think "Wow, when the heck did I become who I am?"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 7:49:01 AM   
Lorelei115


Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline 		I learned the physical, "technical" side from reading, attending classes at the FFF, observing others at play parties, and yes, from the other end of the whip.

The psychological side I learned from watching others and my submissive's reactions.

I am still learning, and hope I always will be.


_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 7:49:42 AM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Amen.  Some people don't understand why I say I'm a switch that has no preference to one side or the other.  I have hardly enough experience in things outside of mental to even attempt to label myself or feel justified to do so.  There are a million things I want to learn, and am still after a few years, chomping at the bit.  But considering my situation, I have chosen to go as slowly as I need to and my situations will allow me to go in order to feel comfortable and to keep my partner comfortable.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:12:00 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I learned by making mistakes.


Same here...

I simply do what I do....It has to do with the scenarios I create in my demented mind and then gaining feed back from the sub.....So much of this seems to choroegraphed...from the outfits to particular aspects of play(puppy,pony,daddy..etc)... It all stems to how far you want to take this....it is not something I spend a great amount of time mulling over....

I am particular about who I "get' with so it is rarely just acting out...because IMO that has little meaning....

Have no desire to go to a club or "scene" just because I feel that this is something that is intimate and not for everyone to take part in....However if I didn't have any connection with the sub then I would have no problem with
any of the above in fact would probably make it mandatory that she share her talents with others.....Simply to see how far I could push her....

But then we also come to the topic of "respect", which I'm not sure how much relevance that has in this conversation....But again IMO if  I view someone as strictly as "property" or her only worth can be measured in the sum of her holes....Then I tend to lose interest....It really is a rather fucked up slippery slope.

No...Don't want or need anyone looking over my shoulder....afraid you might be a proctologist. And your breath smells bad and I also think you are just to damn creepy!!



< Message edited by domiguy -- 2/14/2007 8:18:28 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:37:58 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		For me, it's literally been the work of a lifetime.
 
My grandfather was a horsetrainer, and I learned alot about training and behavioral condition from him, along with a lot of observations about how it applied to humans...
 
Tying up my first real girlfriend in HS (and her enthusiastic response<g>) taught me that this stuff could be fun, fuffilling, and really, really hot...
 
As a US Marine, I learned to follow, and to lead, to inspire, manipulate and control others, and that authority is inextricably linked to responsibilty...
 
While I don't do much rope bondage myself, working as a sail rigger has given me a volcabulary of knots, ropes and an inate understanding of engineering principles that apply well when I do use rope...
 
Training in the Martial arts, especially Aikido, gave me skills in the gross manipulation of the human form, body mechanics, and the ability to do a stunning takedown<g>.
 
More to the point of WIIWD, being the protoge/caddy/valet/test-bottom of an experianced dominant gave me a broad, hands on view of the techinques, inner and outer, that make this stuff work.
 
And most important, a few wonderful women who reacted positively, gave positive feedback, forgave my mistakes, critiqued my experiments, and generally taught me that it was OK for me to be who I was.
 

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:41:33 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		For the most part, my training came from the women in my real-time group, in particular a fellow Dominant who acted as a mentor. But, there are formal training programs available. I highly recommend, being an alumni, these two academies:

SM, service and protocol with some spirituality: Master Taino's Training Academy for both Masters and slaves
Spirituality, service and protocol with some SM: APEX Academy in the Butchmanns Tradition

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:46:25 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		As with most everything in my life, my learning process came from a variety of means.  Trial and error is probably on the top of my list. I knew what I wanted, I tried it, made mistakes, corrected.  I read a lot both online and off.  I take what works (for me), leave the rest.  I have had many people in my life, both sub and dom, who have taught me things either by observing them, talking with them or direct training from them on techniques. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 9:35:56 AM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		This is one of those chicken-or-the-egg questions... I'm not at all sure why the anwer would matter.

I could say I got my "training" from abusive parents, school bullies, or even that my inspiration came from some role model celeb...

So what? 

It seems a bit oxymoronic to presume Dominant personalities would submit to "training"...  I wouldn't.  Part of being a Dom is knowing that you've already got what it takes.

If you're simply acquiring as to how and where techniques are picked up, it's the same as with any life experience. 

First learn by watching, then by doing.

....and practice, practice, practice!

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 11:49:23 AM   
DomKen


Posts: 19457
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		I'm dominant. It's not something I learned to be. It is simply the way I am.

OTOH I did learn to play safe. When i was just starting out in the lifestyle I met a very nice couple who showed me how to do many things safely. That included having many things done to me so I know what it feels like and what sort of damage can be inflicted. To have not made the effort to learn how to play safely and to control what is happening in a scene strikes me as arrogance of the sort that gets people killed.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 11:53:55 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		What ever happened to using common sense as your guide?

_____________________________



(in reply to DomKen)
Profile   Post #: 20
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