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The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 8:24:06 AM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		i've always struggled with my submission.  Its more a battle with in me.  There is a place i want to go with it - yet at the same time a place i'm deathly afraid to go.  After a very deep conversation with Master last night i'm left overwhelmed, nervous, unsure - yet at the same time wanting.  Slightly confused maybe.

i think, as humans we all maintain control over our lives.  Some more then others.  No matter how far mentally i can go with Master, how much i can give over - i always hold that last bit.  i always hold some wall, some bit of control and i think in reality i hold them as my safety net.  I understand why letting go is hard for me.  My safety net has always been there.  No matter what happens, i've had something to fall back on to pull me out.  Yet at the same time, it hinders me.  It blocks me from being able to give complete trust.  i need that little bit of control.  Yes, i use it with in my relationship and i know i shouldnt.  But i do.  i always have, i use it with everyone.  It is my assurity that no matter what, things will turn out OK. 

Its overwhelming because at this time of my life - i keep mentally telling myself to pull back.  My relationship has been rocky and before i let (see theres the control) things go any deeper i want things to have been great for like 2 years.  Okay maybe 3 plus years.  Things have been great for mebbe 7 months.  Doesnt feel like 7 months, but well i guess thats a long time.  It takes away the whole idea that "things are fleeting"  It sets up the pattern of "ok".  Yet at the same time, i keep looking for things to go rocky again.  My brain says "ayep!" the slippery slope has started.  "Ayep!" its going to happen at X time.  AND THEY ARENT.  It just keeps getting better.  Its leaving me with no excuses to pull back.  No excuses to hold up my walls.  No excuses.  

So anyways, i'm sort of stuck between fear and want.  i do really really want to just let go - but i'm so deathly afraid.  It is SUCH a Risk.  With in my walls, i can handle almost anything.  There is no risk factor.  With in these past 7 months i see the walls going down, hence my wanting to pull back.  To me everything is just becoming riskier.  i'm pregnant, i definetly need my walls! He wants marriage, i definetly need my walls!  The past is the past, but its still the past and i definetly need my walls. 

Gah - so he thinks its time, well long past time.  He wants the trust i give myself, i suppose.  The trust that i can lean on some one and come hell or high water - things will be okay.  

i want too.  i want to be able to reach this place.....   but the fear.  Gah i can barely believe i'm contemplating it.  i feel like i'm setting myself up for disaster.  Yet, to let go, is such a lovely idea. 

Let me sum it up like this :  Its like Master saying "strip naked, we are going to walk through the Bronx"

i'm going to just randomly mull this over in my brain until i can figure out what it is i want to do.  Any advice to help out my mulling things over?  Hopefully some one will know what i'm trying to get at here as its really hard for me to explain


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level
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RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 8:39:37 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i don't know you as well as some on here do, but there is a truth that i have learned in my life that i think might be appropriate. And that is this: "When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of changing, people will change."

Though you did not say this in your post, the sense i am reading (and i may be assuming in error) that staying the same, keeping ahold of that last little bit is not only something that you are starting to long for, but it is also something that your Master is getting less and less willing to go without.

As one whose life has taught me that bad things can and do happen, i had to make the decision to either continue to hold on to my fear in the vain notion that somehow it would keep me safe from bad things happening to me, or i could let go of the fear so that i let someone else into my heart and life. Holding on to fear didn't keep bad things from happening to me, all it did was keep me from a source of help other than myself.

Yes, being vulnerable is a scary thing, but it can also be a place of great freedom. i hope you can find the strength to realize that you are strong enough to not need the illusion of "protection" that holding back is giving you.

heartfelt

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 8:40:25 AM   
viperess


Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings,

Wow, yes i do understand what you are going through and i know what an inner battle that can be. After my first Master was killed i erected some very high walls around myself and most of them i have hidden behind for many years. i knew i could rely on myself and that if i did not lower them all the way i could not be hurt like that again. After all these years i knew going into a Master slave relation that if something happened i could pick myself back up and go on with my life. Looking back i can see where the person most hurt by this mindset was myself. For to many years i went with Masters that i served for reasons other than complete devotion and love. Heck if no one got to close i would not be hurt...wrong. Well to make a long story short my Master would not settle for only parts of me that i wished to give but instead demanded all of me, even the places closed off to others. It has taken a lot of tears on my part, a lot of writing (that is how i express myself as far as my feelings the best), much talking with my sister. It is still something i have to work on on a daily basis as i still try to raise the walls back up at times because i have a hard time sharing parts of my feeling but i have noticed the more i do the freer i feel.

viperess slave of CTDOM4sub 

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 8:42:24 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You have to decide whether the fear is rational or not.

Simply having a master say "It's time" doesn't make it time.  Masters do make mistakes and I'm sure we can all pull out dozens of subs who regret obeying "just trust me"

If you do not feel this move will serve yourself and your family at this time, then there is no harm to be made in waiting.  If he is committed to you as he says and understands the situation, then it should be fine.

Frankly it concerns me that someone chooses to make the middle of a pregnancy the time to make other big life decisions.

It's not about "letting that last bit go as a slave," it's about making responsible decisions as a woman and a mother.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 8:49:59 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Dear K.-
 
quote:

  So anyways, i'm sort of stuck between fear and want.


Realise it or not, everyday of every life swings on this balance...
 
Take your time, take a breath, take a bath- nothing that big really happens that fast (usually) and you certainly should take this as slow as you can. Really, by the time you decide to make a descion, you usually have already made it.
 
Really, truely, letting go can be the greatest thing in the world- but you do want to make sure that the time is right, that you won't be falling, but rising to it.
 
Hang in there, darlin'- it will be OK.
 
Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 8:56:45 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		I too have had a rocky path.
I too am one with the desire to put up walls and push people away from getting too close.
What I've found is when you let them in the joy comes in with it, and if you keep up your walls you'll never get as close as you'd like to.
I'm not saying go with reckless abandon, but rather with precise and intentioned steps.
Basically you have to decide to S**t or get off the pot.
If you don't take the chance to win, you'll surley fail.
I say maybe a long engagement would be in order.
This way you're moving forward, but not too much pressure to move too far too fast.
suzanne

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 9:18:24 AM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replies.

He isnt pushing anything.  He just put the ideas, thoughts, words out there.  i run where i run with it. 

LA - aye i know, BAD TIME!  i did debate with him why walls are good.  He says that when i drop my walls, i communicate before i act.  i guess i'm abit of a loose cannon right now.

Vipress i understand what you are saying too.  Master said abit of the same last night. 

i appreciate the advice on the illusion concept heartfelt.  You are most likely correct.  Going to have to think on that, and the rest of your replies.

Lawerence, for some reason your post brought tears to my eyes.  ok ok ok, i'm trying not to cry.  silly me, i know, i'm pregnant.  i'm going to stick with taking baby steps at a time then.  You're right.  If it happens, it will happen - no need to worry about it.    Thank you, i've so much on the line these days and its all so scary, but i am going to take your word on the fact that, it will be okay = )

LOL Suz - i'm thinking like a 4 year engagement.  Course Master is thinking like a marriage after the baby is born.  So far i have laid out very good reasons why it doesnt hurt to wait. 


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 9:26:42 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister
Lawerence, for some reason your post brought tears to my eyes.  ok ok ok, i'm trying not to cry.  silly me, i know, i'm pregnant.  i'm going to stick with taking baby steps at a time then.  You're right.  If it happens, it will happen - no need to worry about it.    Thank you, i've so much on the line these days and its all so scary, but i am going to take your word on the fact that, it will be okay = )

 
Dear K.-
 
it will be OK- promise. And go ahead and cry- it's an entitlement of pregnancy<g>.
 
Stay Warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 9:47:06 AM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		Dear Devilslilsister

topcat is always the gentlemanly voice of reason .. and honestly dear he has a similar effect on a large number of the ladies here.

Topcat, I am still waiting for the reprint of city of cedars....

_____________________________

The number 1 cause of stress is reality.

I miss my old Avatar :(

<< I am a depressed procrastinator with Alzheimers -- I am going to end it all.... tomorrow... or the next day.

Now what was I talking about again?

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 9:48:43 AM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		Do you have some groups there you attend? it feels like to me, that you are in need of some subbies friends.. real shoulders to lean on and cry on.  Find some friends to be with if you don't already have lifestyle friends you can be with.

hang in there and let the positive feelings and such soak into your life and try to wash away the negative.

Sometimes when i am overwhelmed i have to stop looking at the big picture. i focus on the little things, the right now, here and now things.. and then try to the next right thing for the moment.  if i just keep doing the next right thing, at some point i notice the big picture is a lot clearer then it was.


(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 10:54:37 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

Any advice to help out my mulling things over?


Stop mulling and do. This isn't a thought from your head that he's asking for, but an action from your heart. It's as simply, and as hard, as that.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 11:42:34 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		this slave can't relate to much of your post in that she has never struggled with her submission and has no "back up plan if things don't work out" at the ready, in her mind or within her perception of reality--her truth--since becoming Master's property.  but this slave CAN relate to the hormonal roller-coaster and having the support of one's family in the face of potential relationship issues at the same time, so here's this slave's experience:
 
that "Last Bit"--that back-up plan, to this slave, in all of her previous vanilla-styled relationships was that ultimately, this slave would submit to her partner BUT would do whatever Mom and Dad wanted her to do, because they were her "Master", her source of direction, emotional and financial support--her "owners"-in her mind, if you will, and it didn't matter if she was married or not.
 
it didn't matter where on the planet this slave lived, all she had to do was pick up the phone and sympathy, encouragement, wisdom, direction, $$$$, the moving truck and/or plane tickets would be sent...as long as she was pleasing them.  she could have lived in their house til she died...as long as she was pleasing them.  it was the ultimate safety net, but also the ultimate allegiance was paid to them and this slave went back time after time, until she was convinced that she wouldn't have another "owner", EVER.  too much "conflict of interest".
 
after three years of being single and convinced of that in perpetuity, this slave sought out a Dom to be submissive to, not a Master to be slave to and certainly not a husband, fully ready to keep that way out wiiiiiiide open.  however, thanks to Master,  this slave had a change of heart...and mind.  at present, this slave has embraced being Master's slave and His wife and that way out, while still in existence, is not something this slave perceives as an option anymore.
 
this slave made a very significantly important decision when she chose to surrender ALL to Master and did not do it lightly or without seeking advice from wise folk, thoughtful consideration, prayer and meditation--and when the choice was made, she was ALL in, good, bad, whatever!
 
your perspective of reality is not only important to you, but also to your wee ones, as they look to you to guide them and help shape their perspective---this slave's parents always treated her as a beloved possession, but a possession nonetheless-they chose to have this slave to suit their own selfish reasons, not so she could independently go out into the world and ______.  so even though they might not have been aware of the title M/s relationship, they hammered the concepts into this slave's mind until it became second nature.  who knows, maybe the theory of being born "this way" is true and it is first and second nature, but that's another thread, que no?
 
you either give it all--even the last bit, or you don't.  no value judgement on it~just personal choice.

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 12:12:28 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline 		i don't believe there is actually any such thing as control - only the illusion of it. We like to satiate our fear with the illusion of safety - but there really is none.  A job can be lost, an accident can occur, a plan can crash, a virus can hit you and on and on. So when i recognize deeply that control is something beyond anyone's actual - ha - control, i can relax into my submission. my relationship with Chairman is a reflection of my basic belief that there is no such thing as control. i do not control my submission. If anything, it controls me. Even a Master or Mistress does not really have control over anything as we are all subject to great forces and powers beyond our comprehension, let alone our control.
 
 
 

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 1:41:02 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		slavemaia, very well put and very true. Just like walls give one the illusion of security and safety, control is also an illusion.

heartfelt

(in reply to slavemaia)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 2:49:35 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		i have to disagree on the not having control.  When i used to hitch hike, my safety net was in controlling the situation.  i became personable, interested in them and i controlled the flow of conversation.  Usually in the direction of them talking about a loved one.  i kept them talking and thinking in the direction i wanted and before their story was over - i was at my destination.  I also had back up plans.  LOL  i believe there is control.  i have been controlling the flow of my relationship.  Atleast trying.  (currently doing a terrible job at it)

They are back up plans beth.  i've quite a few them going from small ones to massive out and out detail plans.  Yet if i let go and give that last bit - there is no way on earth i could pull them off.  i'm already starting to lose that edge to be able to pull them off.  i suppose thats why i'm so bothered. 

Thanks TopCat.  i wish i could let go and cry, but i'm a silly girl.  Aye, i know quietkitten.  TopCat is a good guy and i've always looked up to him.

Unfortunetly, goodpet, i tend to have a really bad habit of withdrawling from ppl.  i pull back to sort things out.  i've a great many friends in that are subs and Doms.. i dunno.. its my problem, you know?  As for the focusing aspect.  Really good idea.  I mean really, things are fantastic.  They just keep getting better and if could stop projecting months and years down the road and just worry about "now".  ::smiles:: if i were to go on "now" i wouldnt even be asking this question or thinking about it.  There would be no question.  But i cant help but notice everything that floats around the now. 

i'm taking TopCats advice and sticking to it.  If things come, they come - if they dont they dont.  This doesnt have to be a now decision.   This doesnt have to be a now thing at all.  This can be something i just let flow, like a river.

MasterFire - aye its a decision from the heart that my head says "wait think about it"  Master understands i am a thinker.  Which is why as we were discussing it last night, he let me think outloud about it. 

Thank you all for helping me think through this.  Its good to be able to sort things through and out and figure out my step.  Which is going to be what i have been doing.  Baby steps.  Lil half inch steps and of course, focusing on the now.


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 3:18:04 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

They are back up plans beth.  i've quite a few them going from small ones to massive out and out detail plans.  Yet if i let go and give that last bit - there is no way on earth i could pull them off.  i'm already starting to lose that edge to be able to pull them off.  i suppose thats why i'm so bothered.


lil sister,
Why be "bothered"?
When beth showed me her post I asked her why does she thing  people hold back? There were plenty of answers, not the least of which was drawing from the experience of prior failure and the terrible consequences of giving up that "last bit". The point is well taken. But in reality what else is there but you and all your "bits"? If you don't give all your "bits" have you given anything?

I agree with that point but fundamentally there is something additional to consider. Most people never plan for success. Most plan for failure and MUST then hold some "bit" back for that event. The "bit" held back can generate a self fulfilling prophecy of failure, because that one "bit" may be "THE" bit that makes the relationship successful.

The "illusion of security" or even the "illusion of control" are reflections of held back "bits" in the plan for failure. It is an "illusion" if in fact the tragedy occurs and the meteor falls on the head of one partner leaving the other with the reality of being alone. However how would that be different if the meteor hit and you each gave the other every "bit" of yourself? It would be different in only one regard - you'd have no regrets for the time spent together, and you wouldn't regret that you held that "bit" and kept it to yourself.

That is the way we feel.

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 5:25:10 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		What i meant when i said that control is an illusion is this: as much as we think that we are controlling our environment and what happens around us, there are circumstances that will arise that we have no control over, tornadoes is an example or 12 feet of snow. We can prepare as best we can for the storms of life, but we can't control when they will show up and what direction they will blow in from. Hope that makes some sort of sense.

heartfelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 8:34:14 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Seven months is nothing, your pregnant, now is not the time to be making big changes.

Perhaps you are being controlling and refusing to let go AND be making the right not to do it at this moment. 

I cannot imagine being with a pregnant submissive and not putting certain things on the back burner and putting the safety and security of her at the forefront.  I rarely advocate "safety" and take a moral stance here so take that for what it is worth and I would bet others would agree with me.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 9:54:15 PM   
mystictryst


Posts: 125
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline 		Not sure I can add much insight, but I'll toss my thoughts into the ring.

I too have struggled and do struggle with my submission. I was, up until meeting my Master, always the 'dominant' personality and partner in all my previous relationships. Career wise, I was 'take charge' . I called the shots of my life, all ways, always.

Submission sounded like a fun thing to try one weekend. And the first Dom I met is my Master.

It's been a rough 8 years, let me tell you. I had more baggage then a transcontinental 747 (he had baggage like a domestic 747) but together, we found balance.

For us, that was the key. We had to strike that balance of what worked for me 'submissively' and what would work for him as the dominant, he couldn't chose my submission, he couldn't demand it, or really, even request it. It is what it is - and sometimes that's a sarcastic smart mouth, but it is who I am, and it's part of why he loves me. Once we entered the journey together, we found happiness and harmony.

I'm sure you'll both work together to find a balance. Best of luck.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Last Bit - 2/14/2007 10:23:46 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		Devilslilsister, you write beautifully!  You have a clear sense of where you are and what is holding you back.  Is it too corny to say that sunshine is a great disinfectant?  Bring it into the light and it will maybe unravel a little bit?  Thaw a little and that thawing will allow a little more?  I don't think this is a rational/intellectual issue and emotional/visceral ones take a lot longer, in my experience.  Maybe you just need to start by giving a little attention where you are holding back and that little bit of attention (which you clearly have) will allow you to melt just a little.

You are farther along the journey than I am, but your sharing throws a little light on mine and I have a strong feeling that you are doing just fine.

(in reply to mystictryst)
Profile   Post #: 20
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