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RE: The Last Bit - 2/15/2007 8:37:32 AM

Devilslilsister

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Well. Mr. Michael - i did say he wasnt pushing. It actually started out as another conversation and i ended up letting loose my tongue too much (not holding back) but bah he was making it all so easy. One thing led to another... See, we were really talking about fears. My fears. Some of my reservations. Which i have honestly been keeping those to myself, but well he was making it easy. It went from simple fears - to the big all out fear. i'm not excatly sure how it got there, but it did. So it was.

i said i was a loose cannon - aye? i'm really a loose cannon. Saturday night, i thought something was happening that wasnt.. and well i made a big boo boo. i was convincing Master why we should just be friends and basically end things. i basically told him - this man who has been working hard for 7 months to make our relationship what it should be, who has asked me to marry me, who wants me to move in with him, who i'm going to be giving birth to his child - that i wanted out. For what? For nothing, i saw something wrong and i let fear take over. If it wasnt for some one else showing me my error - i'd of dropped off the face of the earth where he's concerned. All because of my fear. Pretty stupid huh?

So, i think he is thinking about security and safety. You know Saturday night i contemplated walking out in the freezing cold and figuring out how to walk my ass home? It was all so stupid and wrong. So i assume, that in order to stop stupid crap like that happening again, seeing as it was based on fear - we had a long conversation about fear. Which ended in the biggest fear. He thinks, if i can just let go of that bigger fear - i'd be alot better off. i cant argue with his logic either.

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RE: The Last Bit - 2/15/2007 8:55:14 AM

Devilslilsister

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Merc - i've already writen out a response to what you said, yesterday infact. ::smiles:: But it made me nervous to put it out there so i didnt. I feel i owe it to you after your thoughtful post though, so i'm going to try again.

i guess my problem is, i think there would be a substantial difference if things did happen. A BIG difference. The difference would be how i would handle it. i do agree with generating the self fullfilling prophecy, but i've always been told to "hope for the best and plan for the worst" Which i guess is what i'm doing. You are most likely right on the holding back can create failure or not. And you are right, i would regret not giving it my all. I guess my fear is that something could happen that i couldnt handle. I dont want to be one of those people in the old folks home sitting there listing all of my "regrets" or my "if i only...." i suppose that no matter what - everything is recoverable from? I've been in so many situations that have left me broken - that the recovery is the most important thing. When it comes to survival, i am a sure thing. i know that no matter what, i can pull myself through. If i give over all of myself.... then what? What will pull me through? Only i can do that.... BUT i guess realisitically thats not true and only an emotionally based statement from being left out years in the cold when crap was going down.

LOL - i know i ramble. Your words, like everyone, gave me food for thought and i will think on it all and decide what it means to me.

Lady - i'm glad this thread gave you food for thought too = )

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My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

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RE: The Last Bit - 2/15/2007 9:44:50 AM

Mercnbeth

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lil sister,
I understand your position. My goal for posting to this thread or any other isn't to say you are wrong, but to make you think by providing my perspective from experiences. I'll assume I obtained my goal.

quote:

i guess my problem is, i think there would be a substantial difference if things did happen. A BIG difference. The difference would be how i would handle it. i do agree with generating the self fulfilling prophecy, but i've always been told to "hope for the best and plan for the worst"

I can relate to this thought and believed it appropriate in business and in life. It's commonly referred to "hedging your bets". Then something happens in your life, the meteor hits you in the head, and you wonder why you were so foolish. I think you know, a meteor did strike 5 years ago taking everything from my life but life. It was then that I knew that you can never really have a "plan" for a ultimate "worst".

quote:

Which i guess is what i'm doing. You are most likely right on the holding back can create failure or not. And you are right, i would regret not giving it my all. I guess my fear is that something could happen that i couldnt handle. I dont want to be one of those people in the old folks home sitting there listing all of my "regrets" or my "if i only...." i suppose that no matter what - everything is recoverable from?

Forget the "old folks home" worse would be regretting tomorrow what you did today; seeing the people and results of your decision. Personal comfort, assets, and especially health, do not last. Ultimately everyone dies. The saying "He or She who dies with the most toys wins" is wrong. It should be; "He/She who got to play and have fun with the most 'toys' wins". Regretting only that he/she didn't have more time, energy, or ability to play with them." All personal wealth and possessions can be gone in an instant. A wealth of memories and experiences remains even if you are homeless.

quote:

I've been in so many situations that have left me broken - that the recovery is the most important thing. When it comes to survival, i am a sure thing. i know that no matter what, i can pull myself through. If i give over all of myself.... then what? What will pull me through? Only i can do that.... BUT i guess realistically thats not true and only an emotionally based statement from being left out years in the cold when crap was going down.

I've never been broken, but I sure have been broke. Recovery isn't the most important thing; integrity is, honesty is, trust is. Integrity, honesty, and trust in yourself. It is impossible to apply any of those traits to another if you first don't have them for yourself. So you are correct, only you can affect that self confidence. Without having those traits, it becomes almost impossible to recognize them in another. "What will pull me through?" - You! Not the you that feels the result will be "cold crap" but a you that is self warming, self confident, and content that you held no "bit" back in the effort even if the effort failed. Because you can still fail. Success isn't guaranteed by the effort, but failure is not always bad.

It is only my opinion, but one of those held back "bits" may be that part of you which you don't want to accept. You are a "slave" to that part held back.

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

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RE: The Last Bit - 2/16/2007 9:55:25 AM

Devilslilsister

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hiya,

i know you arent saying i'm wrong. You have achieved your goal as your posts do make me think = )

So thats what i'm trying to do, is hedge my bets? You are probably correct = ) i guess i am off, in the idea that you can plan for the worst. Thinking about it, when the worst things have happened, i was never prepared. It always hit me upside the head and startled me. I suppose i think that if you could plan for the worst - then it would make it alot easier to handle.

i believe recovery is important. Lifes situations can change people for the worse, IE they dont recover from them. It can also change them for the better.... but.

i guess i worry that if i give all of myself over, i wont have me to get through any trials or errors. Although i do think that i do accept what i am holding back, unless of course its not what i think it is. i do agree, that the part i hold back - in away - controls me.

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My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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Post #: 24