DOM Couples

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WhiplashSmile -> DOM Couples (2/14/2007 10:39:09 AM)
Hello, After making a series of posts on "Ask a switch" forum, I thought I'd make a post here and see what kind of feedback I get. There is a previous relationship which haunts me in a good way. Her and I had a very fluid exchange of power between, yet never submitting to each other in the tradtional sense. The top and bottom roles were one big blur. At times we were actually in complete unison in dishing out and recieving pain and pleasure at the same time. We used a lot of sarcasim and wit, dares and teases. Reading body language and tones in each other voice. Neither one of us actually submitting to one another, if anything submission was internalized, submiting self control to the animal inside. She allowed me to do things to her, she normally would let not have done, and vice versa with me. This relationship lasted for several monthes. It was intense and awesome. It's left me Questioning if I am a DOM Switch, and if she was as well? Perhaps we were a DOM couple? Whatever one of us did to the other, it was understood or expected it would be returned. Everything was maintained on even footing between us. I'm looking to explore more of the dynamics of DOM couple relationships. I would kill to have another relationship like this again, however I am not certain if I should be looking for a DOM Switch or a DOM for this. Also, any information or resources regarding DOM couple lifestyles would be appreciated. Something I can read and compare previous experiences to. Any insight, direction or help would be most appreciated.

SCDommie -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 11:06:10 AM)
That is why it can be wrong for us to put a label on everything. Just be yourself, and what goes, goes. I know people who have started out as subs and became Doms. I know very few Dom/mes who have went from Dom to sub though. It is difficult being a switch. You like both sides of the fence, and apparently your partner did as well. Only you can determine if you are Dom/me or switch. SCD

hereyesruponyou -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 11:14:33 AM)
Have experienced this similar dynamic as part of a whole relationship. It's excillarating and fun and during that time we called ourselves switches. But more than anything i wanted to co-top with this man. Feasting off our mutual deviousness...still awaiting the opportunity

TheShadows -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 11:35:50 AM)
I answered this in "Ask a Master", but it seems to have been deleted or moved. I'll give it another go. My husband and myself are a Dom Couple. I could relate to one of the statements you've made here, as far as our day-to-day relationship. "Everything was maintained on even footing between us." Our relationship doesn't look anything but vanilla. We're just us. The power exchange that occurs between us is on a very even keel. Example: We consult each other on large/expensive purchases. Shit like that. Between the two of us, we're very vanilla, except in bed. NOW...As far as our sexlife goes, we TOTALLY relate to your examples as you listed them in "Ask a Switch". Funny though, we've never identified as switches. We're both very much Dominant, but we're both masochists, to an extent. Dominant is who we both are. Primal/Rough Play is an activity we both enjoy. If I were you, I'd find a Dominant masochist. It works out great for us. Contact me on the other side if you'd like to compare experiences further. Best of Luck, ~MrsShadows~

ShiftedJewel -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 1:54:35 PM)
*My husband and I are both dominant. We both also lack the ability to "switch" so we are now a triad. It just made sense to us.* *Jewel*

mp072004 -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 2:36:50 PM)
I think you would do well to separate "getting tied up" or "getting spanked" from "submitting." This lets you think of power orientation (dominant or submissive) and sensation orientation (sadist or masochist, top or bottom) as independent things. Then, you can identify as dominant and masochistic (and sadistic, if you like dishing it out) and not see a contradiction, as MrsShadows and her partner do, and as mine and I do. You and your imaginary partner have rough and painful times in bed because it's fun and it feels good to both of you, so it's egalitarian, without inequal power. I can't see what's submissive about asking my lover to grip my breasts tightly and enjoying his compliance. There's something submissive about acceding to any request, of course, but that's a level of submission with which I'm quite comfortable--and anyway, whether the request is "pinch firmly" or "stroke gently" is irrelevant there. Some people call what you and your previous partner had a "switching relationship," and I liked the term for a while. However, I've lately grown dissatisfied with it, because the word "switch" seems to imply that the partners who both identify as dominant engage in d/s roleplay when they bottom to each other, and that's not there for me or for the few other dominant couples with whom I've spoken. Mostly, it's egalitarian, as I've said above--it's just like normal sex only with bruises. Although, dominant masochists can certainly incorporate features of d/s when they bottom. It frequently looks like this: <whack!> Dominant bottom: "Slightly harder next time, and a bit up." Service top: "Yes, Mistress." <whack!> See, it works like a massage, or normal oral sex. But hearing the person with the cane in hand use honorifics to address the one bending over seems to fuck with people's heads, which is great fun. How do you attract someone for this sort of anarchic-kinky-sex relationship? I'm sorry to say that personal ads don't strike me as the place to readily meet people who color outside the lines of BDSM sexuality. It's more likely that you would meet someone in a BDSM group, develop mutual attraction, and see how you can figure out how to have sex together. You can attract dominant masochists by advertising as a service top or "submissive sadist," which means that you would do scenes where your partner describes precisely the way he or she wants to be hurt (or tied, or whatever) and you do your best to realize that. I tend to think that there aren't enough good people who present themselves as service tops or submissive sadists, so you may have luck with that. Monica

WhiplashSmile -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 3:35:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mp072004 Although, dominant masochists can certainly incorporate features of d/s when they bottom. It frequently looks like this: <whack!> Dominant bottom: "Slightly harder next time, and a bit up." Service top: "Yes, Mistress." <whack!> See, it works like a massage, or normal oral sex. But hearing the person with the cane in hand use honorifics to address the one bending over seems to fuck with people's heads, which is great fun. Monica Monica, Thanks for your insight. I had actually met this girl through a mutual friend who thought we'd be a good match. I suspect you are right about the personals not being the right place to find somebody similar. I've been trying to establish the qualities and labels for the purpose of communicating via the personals what I'm looking for. It's made me question if I am a Switch or not. I question if I am looking for a Switch or Dom. What trees should I be barking up in this quest. The way we had interacted with like this, with bottom and top a manner of physical position; <whack!> bottom: "Ooooo... you call that a smack? My grandmother can hit harder than that.." top: "You want it harder, you little pain slut, I'll show you" <whack!> bottom: "Ohhh..." top: "Did you feel it that time?" bottom: "I don't know, do it again!" <whack!> bottom: "Ohhh Yes that was a little better!" top: "I'll show you, you little....." <whack!><whack!><whack!><whack!> bottom: <tearing up><moaning><laughing> top: "You think that was funny, you won't be laughing later when you go to sit down!" <whack!><whack!> ..... more of the same and then some... Then her turn at whacking me, with similar dialog of insults and stupid remarks... We never broke down and used titles to refer to one another. A lot of verbal communication to press buttons and humilate one another. We spent a lot of time fucking with each others minds. Again, no use of titles such as Sir, Master, Mistress. If anything we'd use humilating name calling to refer to one another. She tried to get me to call her "Mistress" and I tried to get her to call me master.. Yeah right, cold day in hell before that happen either way for us. Funny, this is stiring up some more memories, recalling things that I totally forgot about it. Since I've started using the BDSM personals, and I would Love to establish another relationship on this level, it's made me back up and analyze where it fits into mix.

PsyVamp -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 4:58:43 PM)
Okay, some of the hottest scenes I've ever done are with switches that are mainly dominant so I can totally relate to that one. Thanks for the reminder, dang it, now I need to go bite some....one [sm=evil.gif] Psy

DommeChains -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 9:57:16 PM)
I'm with Shifted Jewel on this. My husband and I are both dominant so we look outside of each for submissives. We have co topped in the past and it is a total blast. Our marital lives are like any other marriage between two people with strong personalities: respect is required and we communicate openly to minimize conflict. For us we came together as a couple because we are compatible in the whole spectrum of ourselves. Also we know several other Dom-Dom het couples so it's not that unusual a pairing.

obey1 -> RE: DOM Couples (2/14/2007 11:21:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile Perhaps we were a DOM couple? I am not certain if I should be looking for a DOM Switch or a DOM for this. I was neither a switch when I replied on that thread, nor am I a mistress, but I am intrigued by your persistence. In the strictest sense of the term, a Switch is someone who can play either role in any given scene. They have skills in both areas. This terminology tends to come from the Old Guard who had one year requirements if someone wanted to go up the ranks to be a dominant. They first submitted and gained as much experience there on the recieving end. Then they became a switch which meant they were still learning as a submissive, but had enough experience to 'practice' domination, to get better at it. The end result of this is that there are people now who enjoy both aspects of play. There are the power dynamics as well (you will hear the phrase D/s dynamic) but it is IMHO extremely difficult for a switch to accurately participate in a D/s dynamic as a switch D/s with one person. The only exception would be another switch, which is half of your question. The final piece of the puzzle is that usually a switch takes one or the other role throughout any given scenario or 'scene'. Once you are tied up and cannot move it is pretty difficult to 'switch' back magically so normally the scene is played out, possibly with some direction as has been scripted above, higher, lower, harder, etc. In your described dynamic, I highly doubt that you are seeking a switch, nor are you a switch. With most certanity, you are a Domme as was your partner. You were a Domme couple. What you lacked as an element was a third party sub to confirm so that the resulting confusion you now have would not have ensued. With two Dommes and no subs, there is still the erotic power struggle you so gleefully describe. It does not change anything and a high like that can last for months. But with a sub in the mix, the dynamic can be extended so that the normal dominant qualities can be expressed in a one-way flow, which helps with clarity. If you are at all remotely bisexual and you find a Domme that also has relative experience with men (maybe she is a mother) you could even choose a male sub for the third, and also explore cuckoldry. You would not need sexual relations with the sub, only the D/s dynamic. 'They' could clean the house for example while you both play. There are a multitude of configurations, but possibly the most satisfying would be a fem sub who you both could also play with when apart, and when together. That is the best advice I could give you as it will be difficult to find another Domme that would be satisfied 'only' with the dynamic in the Domme couple. The rough play is good, but finding a third somehow is the 'greener grass' where history has shown a dynamic of three is actually more dynamic! But I will leave that metaphysical argument for another thread.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 9:54:28 AM)
quote: I was neither a switch when I replied on that thread, nor am I a mistress, but I am intrigued by your persistence. Yes, I have been persistent. I found myself in somewhat of a Qausi indentity crisis. Words alone are not enough to thank all the wonderful people and their input on this matter. I have actually encountered a few people, which think along the same lines. Simply amazing when going down through the list of similar likes and dislikes. Had one person comment that they felt like they were reading something they wrote. I no longer feel alone. I can resume life and embrace my role, without self questioning it anymore. Thank you very much for sharing your personal insight with me.

obey1 -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 11:22:06 AM)
I will add that originally I had thought you to be female. Now I see your picture was approved. This only changes the pronouns in my reply. I'm sure you'll get the philosophy even if the Dom (male) and Domme (female) parts were inaccurate. In adding a third, unless you are bi-sexual with men, then the sub you seek should be a fem, and the Domme you seek should be bi.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 12:40:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: obey1 I will add that originally I had thought you to be female. Now I see your picture was approved. This only changes the pronouns in my reply. I'm sure you'll get the philosophy even if the Dom (male) and Domme (female) parts were inaccurate. In adding a third, unless you are bi-sexual with men, then the sub you seek should be a fem, and the Domme you seek should be bi. Not a problem, it was understandable for the mix up. I had posted to this section to gain female Domme insight, and posted to the "Ask a Master Section" for male perspectives. I figured the Dommes would know better if she was a Domme or a Switch, and the Doms could help me wrestle with my own issues... LOL. That was my logic in starting duplicate threads spinning off from the "Ask a Switch".

mp072004 -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 5:19:43 PM)
Yup, what you've described now is more like the "normal sex plus bruises" that I referred to earlier. It's fun. I don't think very hard about the anatomy of those unstructured scenes _because_ they are so unstructured and I like them that way, but one blogger has thought about it and articulated her version well. http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/2005/07/observant-reader-noticed-my-comment-in.html Monica

WhiplashSmile -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 11:03:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mp072004 ...one blogger has thought about it and articulated her version well. http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/2005/07/observant-reader-noticed-my-comment-in.html Monica Monica, Thank you for the link. It is a perfect description of the type of relationship I had. All the SAM remarks, dares, teases and humor. A true Dom/Domme couple at it's best. As Obey1 pointed it, if there had been a third (submissive) in the mix, it would have added clarity to the roles. The comment in this blog post..."It's pretty far from traditional, high-protocol BDSM, ...." nails this on a head. I differ in thought regarding your comment about it being "normal sex plus bruises". Because most of the time in the vanilla relationship world, there are D/s aspects to the relationship. In my opinion this type of relationship requires two Doms or otherwise D/D, to happened. Along with SAM with Sadistic qualities. I'm thinking SASM (Smart Ass SadoMasocist) D/D SASM best describes this special mix. .

BORAT -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 11:09:28 PM)
Me and my goat is both dominants therefore we has hard time mixing with other peoples. There is not being many BDSM scene in Kazakhstan.

DominaSmartass -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 11:17:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheShadows If I were you, I'd find a Dominant masochist. Dominant masochists here, raising hand. I haven't met too many others. I definitely enjoy a relationship where the other person is not too submissive and not afraid to do the things he knows I love no matter what they are as long as he knows I like them. The biggest problem I've had in being personally satisfied with a D/s and romantic relationship in one is that the subs often don't see it as their place to take any initiative. They think it's all about what gets done to them. My current boyfriend is definitely submissive in some ways but he doesn't hesitate to bite my nipples or slap my ass when he thinks the mood is right. So far he hasn't been mistaken. If he did something like that at an inappropriate time or when I was not feeling it, I would just let him know. He can still be submissive and do things like this, in my mind, because I enjoy the spontenaity.

DominaSmartass -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 11:27:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: obey1 In the strictest sense of the term, a Switch is someone who can play either role in any given scene. quote: Not trying to be argumentative, but.... Where did you derive this definition from? IMO, the above is about as logical as the statement that a bisexual person is one who is attracted to anyone of either gender. Just because someone has both dominant and submissive sides of their identity does not mean that they could play either role in any given scene. In fact, quite the contrary, in my own experience I have felt submissive to a very few people in my life and dominant in relation to more than a few but by no means everyone. When it comes to the other 99% of the population, I feel neither dominant nor submissive towards them. I believe this is the same for most switches and this is why it's pretty rare to find couples that switch between themselves. It's much more common to find a couple who are D/s in relation to each other while the D is submissive to someone else and the s is dominant to someone else. Then again after reading the rest of your post, maybe I have misinterpreted what you're saying. PS - the easiest way to switch is to alternatingly use I and i to refer to yourself. This would be how you can recognize a switch online.

obey1 -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 11:28:59 PM)
Yes, going back to many of my original posts...... We speak about fulfilment, irony, lack of love, and ultimately it didn't work in my case...... You have 'graduated' to a certain level where other posts and comments will not do you service except to reappropirate any efforts you have had to find a certain person within R/T traveling distance. I cast my vote that it is a popular notion, and do say that CM is not only the venue with which you might find that. (i.e.) if I could come over and visit you I would love to talk to you in person and would hope that you had arranged a date for us to interview and talk about later...... There is always fun and fantasy to live and explore. It is what ultimately makes us human beyond other words. I would enjoy a session or two with you and your beloved. I could learn from it and shout out my commands as someone with a first-row seat. I guess I too am a voyeur waiting for something better than TiVo.

DominaSmartass -> RE: DOM Couples (2/15/2007 11:30:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BORAT Me and my goat is both dominants therefore we has hard time mixing with other peoples. There is not being many BDSM scene in Kazakhstan. Can uh, we make sexy time? Ah, very nice. Dear lord, we're all going to hell.

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