RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (Full Version)

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twicehappy -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 5:17:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

WTF? Why didn't he tell me that two weeks ago?


Hardon maybe?



azzmaster -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 5:29:09 AM)

EVERYONE SHOULD BE UPFRONT ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT PARTICULARLY DOMS. ITS SISSY TO TRY TO TRICK SOMEONE



KatyLied -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 5:29:19 AM)

quote:

He is hoping to convince you.


Yep, those guys are a dime a dozen.  It's frustrating to run into them when you'd like so much more from a relationship than being one of many.



Celeste43 -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 6:04:31 AM)

Or for whatever reason he decided just now that you really aren't compatible and gave you a reason to break it off by claiming suddenly he's poly.

You haven't met him, you didn't lose anything. You did learn that there are many men who prefer monogamous partners while they themselves are poly. Next time be more specific.



toservez -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 8:41:43 AM)

This situation is very typical on sites like this and in real life as well. There are many people that will say anything up front to get a person interested and writing them. Basically a bait and switch approach and after enough communication the real person quickly emerges and while sometimes it is an unconscious coloring of the truth many times as some have already written, it is well if we like each other and have other things in agreement why can’t you be open to this.

It is very clear OP that you would only want a monogamous relationship from your profile and I am guessing everything you wrote to that person. It is a shame but some people are just stupid or have a perpetual wishful thinking disease that has no understanding of what is a big issue and what is a small issue. Monogamy or not is always a big issue to people.




KnightofMists -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 9:34:02 AM)

and um... why didn't you ask if he is Monogamy....

he might of assumed that you might change your mind... "stupid I Know"

but... you assumed that because he was talking and knew you are monogamist.. that he would be too... why make the assumption?


I suppose next time you will ask.  instead of assuming.



Focus50 -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 11:46:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
Did he think that if he talked to me for two weeks, I'd suddenly change my mind about being poly???

Yes.

Most do, once they are emotionally involved.  Most can be at least shamed into thinking they should be OPEN to the idea if they want to be "true subs."

Since you had this particular discussion, yes he should have given you his full answer at that time. 

It's ok, glad you found out now.

Hasn't happened often (lol) but I totally agree with LA here....
 
Focus.



Focus50 -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 12:07:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

and um... why didn't you ask if he is Monogamy....

he might of assumed that you might change your mind... "stupid I Know"

but... you assumed that because he was talking and knew you are monogamist.. that he would be too... why make the assumption?

I suppose next time you will ask.  instead of assuming.

Hafta disagree a little here in that it wasn't an unreasonable assumption for GeekyGirl to make. 
 
It goes to trust; he specifically raised the subject then failed to follow through with his truth on the matter.  I certainly wouldn't wanna be involved with anyone where the onus was always on me to ask the right question....  I can understand to a degree when strangers lie by omission but it's unacceptable from those wishing to be friends or even closer.
 
I'd suggest GeekyGirl dodged a bullet here anyway.
 
Focus.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 12:48:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
..... And then he has the nerve to ask me why I'm not poly. Dude, I already told you...I have self esteem issues and it doesn't work for me. .....
*ugh* people hurt my head.


He may have thought you would go Poly if you could get past your self esteem issues.  If you were to interchange the words "self esteem" with "fear and self doubt" then perhaps you'll understand better.  Often a Dom will try to help a partner past "fear" issues to explore an activity together. 

To better illustrate this point, here's a real life experience.  Keep in mind, I am a SadoMasochistic Dom.   I showed my partner a whip, showed her how to use it, and presented my back to her, and told her to whip me.  She was fearful of doing this, that she would not do it right or cause me great harm.  I had to give a great amount of reassurance in my ability to deal with pain.  Provide her with confidence in her ability to correctly do it.  Yes, to give her a good pep talk.  Even to the point, that if she got it wrong that I would not be upset or angry with her.  I had to help her past "fear and self doubt". Make her feel good about herself for giving me the crack of the whip.  It was important to not damage her sense of self esteem.  Meaning that she needed to be able to walk out the door feeling good about herself.  Amazing as it is, people can feel like complete shit for inflicting pain on another person, and it can damage their sense of self esteem.

I hope this may shed some light on the mindset of some of us Dom types.  I would have asked you more specific questions, regarding if you felt you could do Poly if you could get past your self esteem issues.  I would have asked more details about the specific self esteem issues, and if you were willing to work on those issues.  If this was type of communication which was going on between you two.  Yes, he was pressing the issue, but "perhaps" only to discover how he could help you.

This is just my take on what you shared.  I make no claims that I'm right or wrong. Just adding a little more to think about.




AquaticSub -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 1:10:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

I have it on good authority that when people come out of cryo they cannot control the volume of their voice... and have no internal dialogue.


Is it sad that it took me a minute to get this?



FukinTroll -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 1:19:31 PM)

Well you get 10 points for finally getting there.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 1:22:28 PM)

One more comment, he should have told you that he "Preferred Poly" the first time you guys talked about this subject.  Not waited two weeks to tell you he "prefers it". 



AquaticSub -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 1:41:52 PM)

Hey that's 10 points better then I started with!



DigitBox -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 2:09:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

Did he think that if he talked to me for two weeks, I'd suddenly change my mind about being poly???

Am I being unreasonable to feel he shoul d have volunteered this info upfront? And then he has the nerve to ask me why I'm not poly. Dude, I already told you...I have self esteem issues and it doesn't work for me. I told him that I didn't judge him for being poly (different strokes for different folks) but that he should have told me upfront.

*ugh* people hurt my head.



No you are not being unreasonable to expect him to be that upfront with you.

However the reaility of many men is that they will say all kinds of things to get you to give them what they want. They think if they say the right things to you, you'll drop your gaurd or lower your standards.

Keep your high standards and stick to them.

A worthy guy will be able to be forthright about what he is looking for and not try to weasel his way into your life.

Also I would say keep some of your cards close to your chest. For instance, don't say that you don't do poly anymore because of "self esteem issues". He might take that as you just need time to get used to/get comfortable with it. Just say, "Tried it, it wasn't my thing, now I'm monogamous".

End of story.

That doesn't give him any question as to whether you are dedicated to monogamy.

It doesn't mean guys won't still try to mislead you. I've had guys try and pull something similar. They say they want this but then they sooner or later show their real colours.



Magdalena156 -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 2:24:49 PM)

I run into this problem all of the time too.  My profile is as clear as rain about what I want and I still have people who email me who think that they can convince me to change my mind.  When I tell them no and stop writing them, I guess I'm bursting all of their delusions.

It's rather a shame really that people can't be honest and want you for who YOU are versus who they want you to be.  I would think that part of the Dom's responsibility is to make sure that you be YOU, not to completely change you into something you are not.  Restriction is supposed to set you free.  Sounds paradoxical but it's true.


-m



FukinTroll -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 2:54:51 PM)

Well see there is the problem. You think because you are monogamous that it just wont work with a Poly partner. It has already been established that Poly men love monogamist women. That way we don't have to share them.
 
See, that works very well.

Slurp!



GeekyGirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 3:52:16 PM)

Thanks for all the comments, guys! Mostly I just needed to vent...I really liked this one, and he seemed to really like me. He had been polite and respectful. He'd been attentive, calling me almost every day. On every other issue we seemed really compatible. I don't think he's an evil person...I think maybe he thought he could open me up the idea. Unfortunately, at this point in time I am NOT open to it (not saying that couldn't change in the future...never say "never".) I feel like he wasted my time and led me on to become attached to him. I think since we had already set a time and place for the date, he felt maybe it was time to finally let the truth slip and see how I reacted before actually meeting me. Maybe he genuinely thought I'd be ok with it. As it is, I just felt cheated.

I do feel stupid for not asking HIM if he was poly. When he asked me if I was monogamous, I was very upfront in my answer. I'm a very honest person and I guess I made the mistake of assuming others would be as honest as I was.

As for preferences regarding poly, I am just not into it. I let one dom talk me into it for a brief period and I hated it. I'm an only child...maybe I never learned to share? I don't know...but I do know that I give my heart completely and the idea of my partner even touching someone else makes me boil with rage. I'm not saying my feelings are right...I honestly wish I had the self esteem to enjoy such a situation, but I don't. Knowing my partner is with someone else makes me feel as though I'm "not good enough."

Through the course of my last relationships, I've been in the one poly situation, I've been cheated on a number of times, and on occasion I made the mistake of being "the other woman" myself. Through all these situations, I felt like utter crap because I felt like I was never good enough on my own to satisfy a man. I just want, for once, to be "enough" all on my own. I'm tired of sharing men I love. It makes me depressed and unhappy and I'm just not willing to budge on the subject at this point.

I am very glad that I found out before I met this guy...and I appreciate that he was finally honest (maybe he started to really like me and had a last minute guilt trip?). I just wish he hadn't wasted two weeks of my time.



SirDominic -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 3:57:22 PM)

Even though your profile is pretty specific, you do leave an element of confusion by stating you are not interested in poly in one paragraph, and yet in another you say you are very open minded in your sexual interests. You leave open a crack in the door, and most men are going to take it as a sign they have a chance to get their foot in that door.

Can't blame a guy for trying, if you are vague enough that he thinks it is worth a shot.

Just another point of view.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



GeekyGirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:07:54 PM)

Sir Dominic, I don't see how being sexually open minded equates to poly. I'm open to trying almost anything...but only within the confines of my monogamous relationship. I should think that when I state that I am not looking for a poly partner, that would automatically tell people that my sexual openness is limited to the confines of monogamy. But then obviously I assume too much and give people too much credit.

In this specific incident, regardless of my profile, I did have a rather lengthy conversation about my feelings in regards to monogamy. I feel that when we had that conversation, he should have told me right then that he was not looking for a monogamous partner.



BeingChewsie -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:14:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

I have it on good authority that when people come out of cryo they cannot control the volume of their voice... and have no internal dialogue.



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