RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (Full Version)

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meatcleaver -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:16:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

He asked you if *you* were monogomous because that's the way it is.  The female is supposed to be monogomous but the male not.  Again, it's the bull and herd attitude but i maintain that if one looks at the more intelligent animals, family, community and monogomy become more previlent.

You found out before you invested a lot of time and emotion.  Be thankful for that.


If one believes the figures 60% of all people cheat on their partners and successful people cheat the most. I read in one survey one in two men and two in three women cheat. How they can claim this I don't know but survey after survey points to the majority of people cheat on their partner so the majority probably only support monogamous relationships through social pressure. One candid French member of Parliament once said he had never met a politician that hadn't cheated and the moral ones are the worst, which was more or less confirmed by a British politician commenting on a new TV programme about young Parliament researchers. He said you only have sex with someone of the correct seniority, there is a whole social status to it but sex is what everyone is having and not with their partners. Most of the people I meet professionally I know for a fact aren't monogamous. One woman buys work off me regularly and uses it as an excuse to come to Amsterdam for a day or two and she has fun while she's in town. She is pretty sure her husband is aware of what she's doing but prefers to let sleeping dogs lie or maybe he is doing the same himself. As for me, no I'm not monogamous and have no intention of being so. I have no desire to have a woman thinking she is the centre of my universe and fortunately I have a couple of lady friends who feel exactly the same. Why pretend to be monogamous if it makes one feel imprisoned. I enjoy having several intimate female friends. It does mean I am on my own quite a lot but that is how I like it, I can't work when there are other people around me, unless they are modeling for me.



GeekyGirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:28:23 PM)

Meat Cleaver, I think you're right that more people are poly than not...however, if I say I don't want poly, my partner should respect that. I didn't pressure him to become monogamous or to rethink his ways...my comment to him when he said he "preferred poly" was "In that case, we should stop talking...it wouldn't be fair to either of us, because you would always want to be poly and I would always want to be monogamous."

I tend to believe that some people are just wired a certain way, probably due to their past experiences.According to the therapist I was seeing, I have HUGE abandonment issues caused by my father leaving me when I was young.  I have a hard enough time containing my jealousy and suspiciousness in a monogamous relationship...within a poly one, it was a thousand times worse. I always felt that I was on the brink of being abandoned. While I will fully admit that it is a "me" issue, I still think I have a right to say that I need a monogamous relationship at this point and time. That's not to say that the right person couldn't get me over my fears...but he'd have to be the kind of person who understands that I may or may not get over said fear...and if I can't get over it, he'd have to be willing to settle for monogamy.

My previous poly relationship started off mono too...he felt he could "work on my issues" and open me up to the idea. And maybe with time it would have worked...but he started pushing the issue 6 months into the relationship and it was too soon. Maybe if someone was willing to spend YEARS working on my issues, I'd change my mind...but it isn't fair to ask a person to do that.

My aversion to poly also has to do with disliking and distrusting other females. I don't even want female friends, let alone a female that's involved in my relationship or a "sister sub" or some such. I have literally NO female friends and can't see myself ever trusting a female at this point.



angelic -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:35:06 PM)

~fast reply~ i do not think you can equate cheating and poly as one in the same.  i am a very monogomous person; however, there are a few on this board that are poly that i have great admiration for.  They are in poly relationships, but do not cheat.



FukinTroll -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:36:46 PM)

Exactly. Anyone who cheats in Poly has a serious problem.



GeekyGirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:37:16 PM)

Um, when did I say that poly equalled cheating.

I said I felt "cheated" ie, that my time and effort had been given unfairly.



FukinTroll -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:43:06 PM)

I don't think that is what she meant Geeky.



GeekyGirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 4:46:07 PM)

Then I must have misunderstood....I haven't seen anyone say anything about poly and cheating.



azzmaster -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 5:27:52 PM)

so geek girl, whatcha gonna do if u fall in love with a guy n2 poly? huh?



juliaoceania -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 5:30:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: azzmaster

so geek girl, whatcha gonna do if u fall in love with a guy n2 poly? huh?


Isn't that why we ask these things up front? I would not want to date someone into poly. If they lied to me about it, well that would make me question the foundation of a developing relationship, especially if they let me get emotionally involved before they sprung it on me knowing I was monogamous.



GeekyGirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 5:35:44 PM)

Ditto. That's the same thing as when people ask me "What if you fall for a guy who wants UMs?" Um, same principle. I'm very upfront about what I do and do not want, and if I find out he lied to me about it, then out the door he goes.

I'm honest and open...I like people who have similiar personality traits.

The most annoying part is having to justify WHY I don't seek poly. Same as the above example. I shouldn't have to justify my reason for not wanting poly anymore than I should have to justify my reason for not wanting a partner with UMs. I should be able to say, "I don't want this trait in a partner" and leave it at that without explaining why.



NightWindWhisper -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 6:22:05 PM)

quote:

Most men if they are honest would choose poly over mono. Well at least for themselves and not necessarily for their
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

Most men if they are honest would choose poly over mono. Well at least for themselves and not necessarily for their partners. We are hypocrites, nature made us that way, it's all about procreation and never being sure if a child is theirs. Whatever a man's intellectual stand point he can't get rid of his genes and he has no desire to cut off what is in his jeans either.


I guess that I'm not in the category of "most men."  That's a pretty stereotypical answer there.........





adaddysgirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 7:02:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

Ditto. That's the same thing as when people ask me "What if you fall for a guy who wants UMs?" Um, same principle. I'm very upfront about what I do and do not want, and if I find out he lied to me about it, then out the door he goes.

I'm honest and open...I like people who have similiar personality traits.

The most annoying part is having to justify WHY I don't seek poly. Same as the above example. I shouldn't have to justify my reason for not wanting poly anymore than I should have to justify my reason for not wanting a partner with UMs. I should be able to say, "I don't want this trait in a partner" and leave it at that without explaining why.



You seem very wise for your age Geeky.  If more people 1) knew what they really wanted (or didn't want) and 2) were upfront about it right at the beginning and 3) sought out a partner who shared those same goals, we wouldn't have as many people wondering what the heck they're doing together, questioning if their partner is the right one for them, and jumping in and out of relationships. 
 
And this is particularly true in D/s where if limits aren't discussed right at the beginning, then 'anything goes' for the dominant one.....and that power can be very damaging in the wrong hands. 
 
i have had the same issues with finding a monogamous partner.  It hasn't been easy.  Yet i plug along because i know i can't settle for less.....and i always have faith that i will find it.
 
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.  Quite admirable.  Keep up the good work  [:)]
 
Daddysgirl



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 7:11:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
Did he think that if he talked to me for two weeks, I'd suddenly change my mind about being poly???

Yes.

Most do, once they are emotionally involved.  Most can be at least shamed into thinking they should be OPEN to the idea if they want to be "true subs."

Since you had this particular discussion, yes he should have given you his full answer at that time. 

It's ok, glad you found out now.
I think you nailed it right on the head with this answer LA...and I fully agree.........Tempting



GeekyGirl -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 7:13:05 PM)

Thank you :)

I'm young and still learning but I do try to make good decisions.

I have never understood it when people get together without first making sure that they are "on the same page" in relation to important things. I really try to make sure I know a lot about people before I get involved.



novicecourtesan -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/16/2007 7:48:12 PM)

Geekygirl:

I am in the same boat as you about monogamy. I am almost completely sure that I am wired for monogamy because the men I have dated in non-monogamous relationships (open, uncertain, etc) have been fine, but I could never stand the idea of someone else with them. And for me, the idea that I was somehow second place (which I don't know applies to poly relationships), made me furious and miserable. I always felt like I was putting up with something I didn't want.

It is hard being new to bdsm and wanting monogamy, because many people will see it as a sign that you're sexually closed or have set too many boundaries or even are a "fake." And I don't want to be those things; I try to keep a glimmer of possibility that I might be into women, or into poly, or happy to be with someone who dates other people, or whatever the future holds. That is why I am here and I want to be open-minded while truly getting what I desire. I don't think that poly is better than monogamy one way or another; it's sort of how I feel about being a vegetarian and dating a total carnivore. Different view, no problem. But I also don't want to run to monogamy as a refuge from truly experiencing everything I want to or letting my fears hold me in. So it's a constant balancing act.

For me, it's sort of a crawl v. swim argument. My first sexual experience with a dom is going to be pretty intense. There's going to be a lot that is new. I would like to feel the way I feel with a boyfriend, if only to start. I might find that that safe feeling has nothing to do with monogamy, or that it's necessary for it. I already know that I feel much better about sex with a partner who I know is only with me. So it's my starting point, the one I feel most comfortable with. It may change as I learn more, as I find the right person, whatever.

That said...what most men don't realize is that for the majority of women who feel this way--wired for monogamy but wanting to be open-minded--don't change overnight or in two weeks of emails. It may take years, and it will probably only be for that very extraordinarily special person. That's part of the reason I emphasize it so strongly, because I cannot tell you how many guys will quickly start adding another body in bed with you once they think "open-minded" means "weak-willed and horny." Geekygirl, your complaint is valid. If he thought he could change your mind, that's one thing, but how much did he really ask about you and your desires for monogamy? Not to interrogate or argue with you, but to find out why it's there? If he wanted to really convert you to poly, he would have done it by trying to get to know you and see if the urge is really there.

It sounds like this is a guy who wants to get laid. I'm starting to recognize them; I have a would-be dom who has followed a similar pattern of following his wants and not asking about my submissive needs or even being courteous. He too has become very nice and very attentive after I cut him off,  but I am still suspicious.

So...good luck on your search for The One. I hear it's possible....



meatcleaver -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/17/2007 3:08:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

~fast reply~ i do not think you can equate cheating and poly as one in the same.  i am a very monogomous person; however, there are a few on this board that are poly that i have great admiration for.  They are in poly relationships, but do not cheat.


I think most people believe in poly, they just don't have the bottle to tell their partner. I think half the problem is and this is just my theory and not based on anything other than personal observation, males and females have a propensity towards poly at different times of their life or a situation right for one partner is not for another. Whether people cheat (and it appears most do) or whether they are poly in the open, people appear to be polyamorous by nature. When one is seeking a monogamous rlationship, one is better off keeping this in mind instead of fooling themselves that their knight in shining armour will be forever faithful or that even they themselves will be forever faithful.



NorthernGent -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/17/2007 3:35:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

Am I being unreasonable to feel he shoul d have volunteered this info upfront? And then he has the nerve to ask me why I'm not poly. Dude, I already told you...I have self esteem issues and it doesn't work for me. I told him that I didn't judge him for being poly (different strokes for different folks) but that he should have told me upfront.



Personally, I think if you find the right person, there is enough about that person to keep you interested until you die. To each their own. My opinion, I think you're being far from unreasonable.



Magdalena156 -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/17/2007 7:40:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: azzmaster

so geek girl, whatcha gonna do if u fall in love with a guy n2 poly? huh?


Were it me, I'd get over it and move on.  But that's me.



-m



Magdalena156 -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/17/2007 7:41:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I think most people believe in poly, they just don't have the bottle to tell their partner. I think half the problem is and this is just my theory and not based on anything other than personal observation, males and females have a propensity towards poly at different times of their life or a situation right for one partner is not for another. Whether people cheat (and it appears most do) or whether they are poly in the open, people appear to be polyamorous by nature. When one is seeking a monogamous rlationship, one is better off keeping this in mind instead of fooling themselves that their knight in shining armour will be forever faithful or that even they themselves will be forever faithful.


I'm sorry, but I disagree.  People are not polyamorous by nature any more than everyone is gay or straight by nature.  Some people are, yes.  But not all.



-m




Magdalena156 -> RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... (2/17/2007 7:44:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

Geekygirl:

I am in the same boat as you about monogamy. I am almost completely sure that I am wired for monogamy because the men I have dated in non-monogamous relationships (open, uncertain, etc) have been fine, but I could never stand the idea of someone else with them. And for me, the idea that I was somehow second place (which I don't know applies to poly relationships), made me furious and miserable. I always felt like I was putting up with something I didn't want.


I've dealt with that in so-called monogamous relationships because the guy I was with didn't want to admit that he was wired for poly and couldn't get over the gf he broke up with in order to be with me.  On one occasion this was with someone to whom I was engaged.

After such experiences, I am very firmly convinced that I am not in the least bit wired for poly.  I have indeed given it a try for the sake of openmindedness, but I couldn't get into it.  I could date people casually, but could not be in a serious relationship where the other person or myself was involved with other people.  I think I'm just too intense for that.


-m





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